


The Path of the Stars

by beyondbored321



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Deviates From Canon, Drama, Drama & Romance, Drinking, F/M, Fantasy, Female Friendship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Imprinting, Imprinting (Twilight), Love Confessions, Love at First Sight, Mental Health Issues, Pack Dynamics, Sexual Assault, Slow Build, Soulmates, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 142,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24986737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beyondbored321/pseuds/beyondbored321
Summary: My take on Kim and Jared's epic love story. Twilight if Kim was the main character. Canon couples, mostly. Imprinting, but not on babies (bleh). Some canon divergence starting in New Moon, full canon divergence by end of Eclipse. Healthy mix of angst and fluff, tears and belly-laughs. (I changed the summary because this is my first fic and I didn't know any fanfic terms at first!) Enjoy! Please comment, I love feedback :)
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale, Jared Cameron/Kim Connweller, Lauren Mallory/Original Male Character(s), Quil Ateara V/Jessica Stanley, Rachel Black/Paul Lahote, Sam Uley/Emily Young
Comments: 87
Kudos: 78





	1. Embracing Rain

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: 
> 
> No copyright infringement intended. I’m not profiting off this story, just writing for fun!  
> This story does not reflect the real lives, culture, or religion of the Quileute people. I like this quote from the Burke Museum: “While anthropologists, movie makers, and others may claim to understand it, the spiritual world of the Quileute is a diverse and complex system that only Quileute people are privileged to know deeply about.” If you are interested in learning about the Quileute tribe, quileutenation.org has quality information.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: 
> 
> This story is rated teen, but at times it will include some serious subjects such as mental health, sexual assault, violence, and death. Please use your own discretion and feel free to message me if you have questions!
> 
> I hope you enjoy! I love feedback, so if you have any advice please comment!

Rain made me anxious back in Flagstaff where storms were rare and fierce. The flash floods would wash away the grit, soaking the earth beyond recognition. Maybe that’s why my pulse would climb whenever I saw static building in bruise-colored clouds, even if only through a window. Rain had the power to transform a stagnant world overnight. I’d have to get over my fear though. In Forks it was always raining.

I won’t lie, I wasn’t excited about the move. A few months ago, I never would have seen this coming. Life felt stable. I was about to be a Junior, already comparing class schedules with friends. I worked a studio job stretching and priming canvases for a local artist. I was studying for the SATs. Mom and dad seemed happy. 

Dad left in July. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and watching him cross our tiny lawn, start his car. and drive off. As I fell back asleep, I wondered what urgent errand couldn’t wait until morning. Only he never drove back. Mom was happy in Flagstaff, but I’d noticed a change when dad left. She stopped going out, and then, without any warning, she announced that we were moving to Washington. 

I didn’t fight it. It hurt to see her hurting, and I couldn’t imagine adding to her pain, but I was mad at her for never talking about it, mad at dad for not saying goodbye, and mad at myself for watching silently as he crossed the lawn that night instead of charging down the stairs and into the street. For not knowing that would be my last memory of him, and that memory would not even include his face.

For days I wandered around the place I’d called home almost my entire life and wondered if everything around us changes at once, can we even call ourselves the same people? While watching mom, glassy-eyed, packing efficiently though haphazardly, I couldn’t help but wonder if that was the point. Leave everything familiar behind at once, and try to banish any memories that attempt to follow. 

I wished her luck, silently but earnestly, as I curled up on a pile of loose blankets and pillows in what was to be my new bedroom. Tomorrow would bring furniture, and two weeks would bring school. It didn’t make me as nervous anymore. Two years was nothing. No one ever said the friends you made in the last two years of high school would be your friends forever. I could be whatever I wanted. I could treat these two years as a social experiment even, then start all over again in college. 

That night I dreamt that I stood under a desert downpour, lightning illuminating the sky, letting the rain pound away every part of myself as it pounded the earth, leaving a canvas of silt and mud on which a new life could grow. 

***

The movers came at seven. I blinked at the sunrise, thinking that seven a.m. starts shouldn’t be allowed during summer. There were only three movers, but that was plenty for our small pile of furniture. They had everything inside the house by ten, and then it was just mom and I unpacking unlabeled, randomly filled boxes. I smiled as I pulled a tube of toothpaste out of a box of spices and cooking utensils. 

“Your uncle Quil invited us over for dinner tonight,” mom said. 

“Fun,” I said, trying to sound adequately excited, even though I knew when it was time to go I would want to take a nap instead. Later, when the kitchen was beginning to take shape, I went upstairs to tackle my bedroom and get ready. I opened a few boxes of clothing, and eventually found some of my makeup in a box of pens, paints, and other junk from my desk drawer. Mom and I were similar in the level of energy we put into organization. Oh well. Disorganized people were more creative right? Or was that just something to say to make sloppy people feel better? I got dressed and went downstairs. 

“You look nice,” mom said. She smiled but it looked forced. 

“I’m looking forward to this,” I said. “I haven’t seen the cousins in forever.”

“I think it’s just Quil tonight,” mom said as we climbed into the station wagon. It felt almost painful to fold up in the front seat after spending over twenty hours here in the last few days. It still smelled like coffee and french fries and feet. “Preena might be back at school already.”

“Oh ok,” I said. That was fine by me. My cousin Quil, I believe fifth of his name though I may have lost track, was my favorite anyways. He was the perfect mix of gullible good nature and hilarious antics. I also loved that he was a few years younger than me and frequently willing to take dares. Our parents called us a dangerous combination or sometimes ‘Team Bad Ideas.’

“Kim I wanted to thank you for being such a good sport about all of this,” Mom said. “I--I really appreciate it.”

“Of course,” I said, surprised by how serious she sounded. “It’ll be fun. One last big adventure before college.” Mom glanced over. It looked like she was torn between studying me and watching the road. “I mean I’m sad to be leaving Flagstaff of course.” There was a pause. Mom kept her eyes on the road. “Mom?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I hadn’t really thought of it that way. It’s like an adventure.”

“Of course it is,” I said. I was trying to convince myself too. We climbed out of the car.

Quil swung the door open after the first knock. “Cuz!” He shouted and then threw his arms around me in a hug so tight it knocked the wind out of me. 

“Oh my god!” I wheezed. “You’ve grown!” I hadn’t seen him in years. Last time we were together, he was shorter than me and a lot rounder. Like a little bowling ball. Now we were even in height and he’d muscled up in a big way. “Some glow up dude!” I laughed, not bothering to hide my shock. 

“Wish I could say the same about you!” He cackled. 

“You turd!” I cried, still laughing.

Uncle Quil and Aunt Tina appeared and hugged us at the door. We eventually sat at the table and began to catch up. Apparently Preena was crushing it in college. I felt a little jealous of the freedom and distance she had. Then mom shifted the conversation to me.

“You’re going to school in Forks?” Uncle Quil asked, his eyebrow shooting up a bit.

“I think so?” I looked at mom for clarity.

“That’s right,” mom said. “The house is in Forks.” Mom initially looked into moving back onto the Rez, but the housing waitlist was too long.

“Well Tina’s on the school board, I’m sure Kim could go to school in La Push if she wanted,” Uncle Quil said. 

“The school in Forks was rated a bit better,” mom said, as she pulled apart a piece of bread. “Kim might still be bored in Forks, but it’s the best we can do here.” I frowned, at her but she didn’t look at me. Mom developed this regrettable habit of describing me as a misunderstood genius back when I started acting out in school, which was embarrassing but admittedly my fault because I played into it often. No I wasn’t misbehaving for the sake of misbehaving, I’m just not being challenged. 

“What?!” Quil asked. “She wouldn’t be bored! We would be in the same school!”

I grinned conspiratorially at Quil, while silently wishing that mom wouldn’t be so tactless in criticizing the school. “Yeah I think mom should actually be worried that I wouldn’t be bored enough.” Quil grinned back.

“I think she’d be happier going to school in La Push,” Uncle Quil pressed. “Quil can introduce her to people. And she can connect with our culture.” 

“She’s going to Forks,” mom said, voice flat and stern.

I turned my attention back to my plate. I didn’t like what Uncle Quil was implying either, that I wouldn’t be able to fit in at Forks. The truth was, I’d be just as much of an outsider if I went to school on the Rez. Maybe even more so. Most of the other kids probably spent their whole lives in La Push, and since I hadn’t, I’d be an outsider in a big way. Wherever I went it seemed people saw the half that made me different first. 

I thought mom’s tone would have changed the subject, but the school debate continued. Uncle Quil seemed to have strong, negative opinions about Forks high school which seemed to escalate as the evening wore on. I grew increasingly nervous as I wondered what kind of highschool nightmare I would be walking into in two weeks. After dinner when Quil was asked to clean up, I volunteered to help so I could see if he knew anything.

“So does your Dad have some grudge against the Forks schools or something?” I teased, keeping my voice light. “What’d their football team cheat against yours or something?”

Quil chuckled. “It’s not that.”

“What is it then?”

Quil looked around, leaning as far from the sink as he could without dripping soapy water on the floor. The room was empty.

“Just some people there he’d rather not have you mixing with.”

“What?” I couldn’t help but laugh. This was not the kind of answer I was expecting. I honestly wasn’t sure Quil would have an answer at all. 

“You’ve heard the stories right?” He asked. 

“Some of them.” I had vague, pleasant memories of our grandfather, another Quil, telling us intricate stories which beautifully wove history and mythology together when we used to visit when I was very young. I always asked mom to tell them to me when I was growing up, but each time she would laugh and say she wouldn’t get them right. She read me Junie B. Jones instead. In spite of my poor memory of the details, I loved Grandpa Quil’s stories. “Like Kwalla the great whale? And the raven that put the sun in the sky?”

Quil smiled and nodded. “Do you remember the uh... newer additions?”

I rolled my eyes. “You mean the one with the warrior werewolves and the zombies?” 

“Zombies?”

“I guess they were more like vampires right?” I asked. 

“Yeah,” Quil said. “You know a lot of people believe those stories right?”

“Really?” I smirked. Our great-great grandfather, the first and most eccentric of all the Quils, had taken some creative liberties with the tribal legends. He passed down a few stories that didn’t trace back and had a bit of a reputation for his antics. Most people smiled and rolled their eyes at the mention of the first Quil Ateara and his inventive, fervently self-promoted stories. It was news to me that he had supporters. I shook my head. “I thought the vampire stories were like a metaphor for colonization or something.” 

“What?” Quil asked, laughing.

“Oh come on,” I said, setting down a dish I’d just dried. “Weird looking, pale monsters show up, wreak havoc, and Quiluetes survive by their inherent strength and warrior-like spirit?”

“Hm. Yeah, wow I guess that checks out,” Quil said, nodding. “But no, they actually believe it’s real. Not a metaphor.” 

I snorted. “I mean, I guess that would explain why Grandpa’s all fired up,” I said, keeping my voice low so it wouldn’t carry. “I’m sure he was kind of a captive audience to great-great grandpa’s antics, but what about your mom and dad?” Quil made a face. “What? Are you serious? They’re in too?”

“It’s not just the old people. Mom and Dad definitely believe his stories,” Quil said. “I can tell. The way they talk about them. They act like they know something we don’t. Some of the people in town their age believe the stories too.”

“Wow,” I said. “And what about… us millennials?”

“Of course we don’t believe them,” Quil said, scowling. “Everyone said great-great grandpa was a nut. Well, except for this one group.” I raised my eyebrows. “See there’s this gang--”

“A gang?” I asked, incredulous. 

“I mean,” Quil hedged, “they don’t really do anything bad. At least as far as I can tell. Honestly I have no idea what they do.”

“Well then what makes them a gang?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Quil said. “They call themselves the Protectors. And they meet with Grandpa and the rest of the council.”

“Ah so like a little... special interest group?” I asked, arching an eyebrow. “Delightful. They’re believers?”

“Looks like it,” Quil said, smiling.

“And how big is this anti-vampire youth squad?” I asked.

“Um, there’s three of them,” Quil said.

I laughed again. “So all in all not a huge percentage of the millennial population.”

“I guess not,” he said. 

“Alright, but what does that have to do with where I go to school?”

Once again, Quil leaned away from the sink to ensure the room was empty. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “The Cold Ones,” Quil said. “Great-great grandpa’s vampire-zombies? The old folks on the Rez think some of them go to school in Forks.”

I snorted again. It didn’t help that Quil kept a straight face while he said it. “Of course they do,” I said. “I’m telling you, it’s a colonizer metaphor, and I’m sure that school is full of white kids.”

Quil chuckled nervously. “It’s the Cullen family,” he said. “Apparently they were here almost seventy years ago, and now they’re back.”

“So I’ll be going to school with the OG colonizers’ grandkids?” I asked. “Again, already knew that.”

“No, the same ones. The OG. They say they haven’t aged,” Quil said. 

“Oh come on!” I cried, rolling my eyes.

“I’m serious!” Quil said. “That’s what they think!”

“Ok.” I smiled. “I’ll investigate. Sherlock Kim is on the case.”

“Kim,” Quil said, suddenly serious. “You can’t tell anyone.”

I laughed again at the thought of spouting conspiracy theories at a new school. What a great first impression that would make. “Don’t worry, cuz,” I said. “Your secret is safe with me.”  
Quil seemed immediately relieved, which concerned me even more. I didn’t think Quil believed the stories but clearly he was surrounded by people who did. 

We didn’t talk anymore as we finished the dishes. I was trying to laugh at the whole situation, but it was hard when Quil acted so serious. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as I dutifully dried and stacked plates. Small town life wasn’t good for him. He was going to get sucked up in all the superstition if he wasn’t careful.


	2. New Friends

The first day of school was an exhausting blur, as first days often are. I was handed a schedule and assigned a buddy to show me around. Luckily, buddy Lauren had a wickedly dry sense of humor and all of the best tips for surviving Forks. She also generously filled me in on all of the best gossip. She laughed when I mimed writing down all of the who's-dating-who gossip in a notebook. "For future references," I said, grinning. We were going to get along.

At lunch she introduced me to a table full of her friends. I forgot each of their names as soon as they were said and spent the rest of the period trying to make mental notes as they were repeated by other people while I picked at a soggy square of recently thawed pizza. I had already given up by the time I noticed the Cullens. They practically waltzed into the room. It looked like a perfume commercial: plotless, surreal, but oddly aesthetically pleasing.

"Is that the Cullen family?" I asked Lauren.

She gave me a look. "Do you know them?"

"Uh… I know of them," I said. "My cousin might have mentioned them."

"Who's your cousin?" Lauren asked.

"His name's Quil. He lives in La Push," I said.

"On the Reservation?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"So what did he say about the Cullens?"

With a twinge I remembered that I had promised Quil to keep the family superstitions quiet. I glanced back at the Cullens' lunch table and as I watched them, what once seemed like silly superstitions suddenly felt plausible. They were each pale with dark bruise-colored shadows under unique, golden eyes. They alternated between eerie stillness matched with careful, intentional, fluid movements. They each played with their food, while not actually putting anything in their mouths, as if they were going to as much trouble as possible to maintain the performance of eating, while not actually consuming anything. When Quil told me that Grandpa and the rest of the Council believed my great-great grandfather's stories I had laughed, but now, seeing them here, I couldn't help but believe the stories as well. There was no way this family was human. They _had_ to be vampires.

At that moment, one of the Cullens, a boy with bronze colored hair, met my eyes. His eyes narrowed, a warning at the very least. _Oh my god,_ I realized, shocked. _He can hear my thoughts._ His gold eyes widened for only a fraction of a second before dropping to his hands. He muttered something to his table and then they all froze, locked in the oddest looking, possibly most intense conversation I'd ever seen. Each of them moved their lips impossibly fast, all at the same time. It was terrifying.

"What did your cousin say about the Cullens?" Lauren asked again.

"He wouldn't tell me anything specific," I said, remembering my promise to Quil. "Though I did get the sense that they aren't popular on the Rez. He said he wasn't supposed to talk about it."

"Why isn't he supposed to talk about it?" Lauren asked, eyes wide. I noticed that most of the table was engaged now. No one else was talking, and most of them were staring directly at me. Across the room, the Cullens were pointedly not looking in my direction, but they were all frozen, clearly listening to every hushed word from impossibly far away. I wracked my brain, trying to come up with a plan for damage control, but I was coming up blank.

"All I know is there's some bad blood there," I said. "Something about the Cullens really rubs people the wrong way. I have no idea what they did, but I think the feeling is mutual. I heard they were basically banned from the Rez." I snuck a glance at the Cullens' table. Their expressions were dark but not enraged.

"Banned?" Lauren asked.

"Not like, formally or anything, but basically, yeah," I said. Then I added a heavy sigh. "Best not to talk about it on the Rez. Or anywhere really. I get the sense people don't like talking about it."

I poked my pizza for a few moments, trying to disguise my nerves. Our lunch table was still silent. When I snuck a peek at the Cullens they had resumed pretending to eat as if nothing had happened. For a moment I started to wonder if I had only imagined that they could hear me. I felt more and more uncomfortable as the lunch wore on. Why couldn't I have just kept quiet? The Cullens filed out of the room in groups, and I took a long shaky breath.

I'd hoped that that was the last I would see of them for the rest of the day at least, but when I walked into my Calc class, three of them were sitting together in the back, a blond girl and two of the boys, one who was built like a bear and one tense looking blond. Luckily the mind reader was not among them. They glared at me as I walked into the room. The teacher directed me to an empty seat three rows in front of them, and I could feel their eyes on me for the entire class.

I almost wished the mind reader was there. At least then they would know that I wanted no part in this feud, that they had nothing to fear from me as long as I had nothing to fear from them. I thought of trying to pull them aside after class to explain, but that sounded like a risky plan because I would either have to risk being overheard or risk being alone with them. I would have to try something else. When the teacher dismissed the class, I walked right up behind them and tapped the larger of the boys on the shoulder.

"You dropped this," I said, holding out a folded piece of paper I'd torn from the corner of my notebook. He stared at me, gold eyes boring into mine for a painfully long moment, then took the slip, careful not to let our hands touch. I didn't look back as I walked away from them, but I pictured him unfolding the slip while his siblings peered over his shoulders to read the words I'd scrawled just as the class was ending:

_Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me._

***

After only three weeks in Washington, I already felt a little settled. It's amazing how fast a routine started to set in. Classes were easy for me as they usually were, and it had been easier to get to know people than I'd expected. I realized that new students were a rarity in a town this small, so there was no shortage of people trying to get to know me.

Tyler and his 11-year-old minivan organized a Saturday trip out to La Push for a beach bonfire. Jess, Angela, and Lauren, serial lunch buddies, invited me. I invited Quil and told him to bring as many friends as he liked. The beach was practically in his backyard anyways, and I was excited by the thought of mixing brand-new friends with my cousin and whoever he brought. What could go wrong?

It was still light when we got to the beach and set up. In no time, the sun was setting, a driftwood fire was burning, and we were drinking warm beer and playing tasteless music. I played silent name games for some of the more peripheral friends around the fire. _Mike? Joe? Bill? Jane? Anne? Bree? Does it matter?_ I took another swig of PBR and realized I had downed the entire can. I sighed and reached for another. I wasn't driving of course and I had already decided I was fine with peeing in the woods.

"Kim," Jess whispered. I turned to her. She was so locked in conversation with Lauren that I'd almost forgotten she was next to me. "That guy over there is totally staring at you." It looked like she was trying to signal a direction just with her eyes, but it was too subtle for me so I just looked around the fire. Our party had grown. Several kids from the Rez had joined and were mingling. How had I not noticed? Then I spotted Quil and friends. They'd finally arrived.

"Quil!" I shouted, happy for a distraction from solo name-game awkwardness. I wove my way through the small crowd and over to him.

"Cool party Kim!" He gave a one-armed hug and grinned, as if I was somehow responsible for the party coolness.

"Thanks!" I chirped and then leaned in and stage-whispered, "I gotta confess, I only know like three of these people. It was all planned by," I looked around the circle and pointed with my thumb at Tyler. "I'm assuming his name is Steve or something? He looks like a Steve."

That won some laughs from Quil and some chuckles from the two, lanky, nervous looking friends he brought. Quil didn't miss a beat when it came to introductions. "Kim, this is Jacob and Embry. Jacob, Embry, Kim." He pointed to each of us in turn.

"Jacob, Embry," I said, shaking each of their hands with mock sincerity. "Pleasure to meet you both. Come on, I'll introduce you all to… Jane and Laurie and Amber? Jess and Lauren and Angela? God only knows." Quil, Jacob, and Embry exchanged some nervous laughter and we made our way over. "Hey guys!" I introduced them and Jess and Lauren and Angela made room. The guys warmed up quickly. We had all been talking for a while and everyone seemed relaxed.

It wasn't until much later, when Jess leaned over and whispered, "Kim, that guy is _still_ staring," that I realized she hadn't been talking about Quil in the first place. Quil, Jacob, and Embry weren't the only kids from the Rez at the party. Three older boys sat on the far side of the fire, and, as Jess had noticed, one was staring pretty intensely, directly at me. His eyes were wide, though he didn't look scared. He looked almost...surprised? Maybe that wasn't the right word.

I met his eyes and felt my own narrow, confused. He finally looked down, though it looked like he was almost reluctant to do so. He stared intently at his feet, while one of his friends shook his shoulder, crouching down to whisper in his ear. This had no effect on him. He seemed upset? Nervous? I couldn't tell, but for whatever reason I guessed something was wrong. I wracked my brain but I couldn't place him. He definitely knew me from somewhere. He had to. Why else would he react so strongly to seeing me?

"Quil," I hissed. But he was so locked in a conversation with Jessica that he didn't hear me. I elbowed him roughly.

"What?"

Jess looked over too.

"Who's the spooky guy?" I whispered, jutting my head in his direction.

"Huh?"

"Grey shirt." I chanced a peak. Spooky-grey-shirt-guy didn't pull his eyes from his sandals, but cringed noticeably. _Uh-oh._ I thought I whispered. He couldn't have heard me over the music, could he? "Is he a family member or something? He's staring like he knows who I am, but I'm coming up blank."

Quil laughed. "He's not family. His name's Jared Cameron. He's a Junior." Quil looked over at the group across the fire, but none of them seemed to be paying attention to us now. Jared was still looking pointedly down. Quil leaned over and whispered, "Protectors."

Great. "Yeah but what's his deal?" Quil and I were almost nose to nose. "Like why the staring?"

"No idea."

I half expected him to come over. I almost asked Quil to go introduce me just to end the mystery, but I was a little tipsy at this point to be introducing myself to weirdos, and before I could make a decision, his friends pulled him away. As the night wore on I nearly forgot all about Jared and his unsettling staring.


	3. Movie Night

I sighed at my phone as a text from Angela came in. We planned to watch a movie at Jess’s place tonight and I’d totally forgotten. I’d also promised to go to a family gathering with mom tonight--dinner at Grandpa’s house. Quil had been texting me about it too. He wanted to make sure that I was going so he wouldn’t be the only one under forty in the room. I opened the text from Angela:

_ Can’t wait for tonight! Jess says we should come over at 7. Want me to pick you up? _

I texted back:  _ Sorry Ang, something just came up! I’ll be late. You guys should start without me and I’ll get there when I can!  _ After I sent that, I sent one to Jess.  _ Hey I’m sorry but something came up and I’ll be late tonight! Also is it ok if I bring my cousin? _

She responded immediately.  _ Quil? Yeah bring him!  _ And then:  _ No worries! _

I smiled. They must have really hit it off at the bonfire last weekend.

My mom and I bundled into the car around six. In the middle of our short drive, Quil texted me:  _ heads up spooky Jared is here.  _

I frowned. Grandpa said it was a family gathering. I typed a question:  _ Are there a lot of people there? _

_ No just the fam and him. _

_ Why?  _ And when Quil didn’t respond, I texted:  _ Weird. _

I’d been texting Quil a lot about spooky Jared, so much so that Quil had started using the nickname too, even though they went to school together and Quil had known him for years. Quil said that as far as he knew, Jared wasn’t prone to staring and seemed normal in school, except for his involvement with the self-proclaimed Protectors. He was apparently popular and a bit of a flirt. I couldn’t picture him being either. Quil conceded that his cult/gang involvement had cost him some popularity points. That was fair. Cult/gang involvement was spooky in itself. Maybe he’d also been having a weird night? Though it had felt like that weirdness was mostly directed at me. Tonight would be interesting, but I was relieved that I already had an exit strategy in the works. Mom didn’t know yet, but I knew she wouldn’t object. She was thrilled that I was already making friends. 

“Cuz!” I shouted as soon as Quil opened the door. I hugged him as if I hadn’t seen him in months instead of days. He smirked and played along.

“You’ve gotten taller,” he exclaimed.

“And your hair is longer,” I said, rubbing his recently buzzed head. Then I spotted spooky Jared lurking in the corner. I walked up to him. “I don’t think we’ve met,” I said, reaching out to shake his hand. “I’m Kim, I’m Quil’s cousin.”

He took my hand but didn’t shake so much as gawk at our linked hands. His hand was very warm. He opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, then closed it again, twice, before he finally got out: “I’m Jared.”

I smiled, mostly because I couldn’t believe that in any context Quil would describe this person as normal or popular or a flirt. “It’s nice to meet you Jared,” I said as I carefully extracted my hand and went to greet Aunt Tina and Uncle Quil with enough enthusiasm to make a definitive escape. I made small talk with Grandpa and Quil until we eventually sat down for dinner. 

Spooky Jared sat across from me. I caught him sneaking glances at me a couple of times, but both times when I looked up he quickly looked away. For the most part he ate quietly. The adults talked. Quil and I exchanged glances while I tried to figure out why he was here. Eventually Grandpa decided to make a very late introduction.

“So, Kim,” Grandpa said, “Jared here goes to school on the Rez.”

I didn’t say anything at first, waiting for him to finish his thought, but apparently that was it.

“Uh...cool! Do you um, have classes with Quil then?”

“Yeah we have history and english together,” he said.

“Oh nice,” I said. “Are you a freshman too?”

“No,” he said, clearly embarrassed, “I’m a junior but it’s like a really small school so a lot of the classes are mixed years.”

I noticed Quil smirking. “Are you embarrassed to be in the same classes as Quil?” I asked, feigning indignation.

“W-What?” he said, suddenly looking panicked, “No--”

Quil guffawed, nearly spewing crumbs everywhere, then proceeded to express his own indignation with his mouth full. “Yeah whas wrong wif that?”

Jared looked panicked. I sighed.

“We’re just messing with you,” I said. “It’s what we do.”

Jared, to his credit, grinned and wiped the fictional sweat off his brow.

“I have classes with all different grades too,” I said. “Forks High is pretty small too.”

“You go to Forks?” He asked.

“Yep.”

“What’s that like?”

“Oh top-notch high school experience,” I said, playing serious. “The facilities are gorgeous, brand new Bunsen burners in the science building. That’s huge. And the food is...” I thought back to the sad, soggy pizza and dry, chalky burgers I’d consumed in the last few weeks while I twirled my water glass as if it were wine. “Divine.”

“And the company?” Jared asked. He was smiling too. “Fair?”

“I would rate them as good at the very least.”

“I meant their skin tone.”

I grinned too and then reached across the table to clink water glasses with him. Maybe Jared only needed a minute to open up. For whatever reason, Jared was acting considerably less spooky now.

“It’s not too late to transfer Kim,” Grandpa said.

Mom rolled her eyes. “Not this again. It’s been decided, she’s going to high school in Forks.”

I fought the urge to cringe. “Yeah Grandpa,” I said. “Didn’t you just hear my rave review? You really think I’m going to give up truly  _ divine  _ cafeteria fare? I have priorities. Which are, for the most part food and bunsen burner related.”

“Yeah to be honest our food is pretty much as far from divine as possible,” Jared mumbled. Grandpa and Uncle Quil glared at him. 

“La Push School Cafeteria,” Quil chimed in, as if he were the voiceover in a commercial. “As far from divine as possible.”

“Oof that’s some good honest advertising,” I said, smirking. 

“Enough,” Aunt Tina said. Oops. Forgot she was on the school board. 

“She’s making friends too,” Mom chimed in. Of course.

“Sure am,” I said. I pulled out my phone. “My contacts are so full of new names I have no idea who’s who.” 

I looked at the screen and saw a text from Jess.  _ Timing?  _

“What’s wrong?” Mom asked.

“Ahh, I forgot I promised some friends I would meet them for a movie tonight.”

“Tonight?” She asked.

“Yeah.”

“What time?”

“Like twenty minutes ago,” I said. “It’s fine I can still catch them… Can I go?” I asked, playing innocent.

“Sure hon,” she said. “You can take the car. Your uncle will drive me home.”

“What?” Uncle Quil finally looked up.

“Thanks mom!” I stood up and grabbed my dishes. I noticed Quil was suddenly sulking. “You in Quil?”

His expression immediately brightened. “Heck yes!”

“Great!” I chirped, and then, after a split second of hesitation, I made a snap decision. “Jared? Do you want to come?”

He looked up, surprised. He still struck me as odd, but maybe not quite as spooky as he had at the bonfire. I was curious about him and why Grandpa had invited him, and only him to an otherwise family gathering. Also I figured it took two to tango when it came to awkwardness, so I might as well try not to make it weirder. Quil made a face at me, but I had already decided.

“Come on,” I said. Then I lowered my voice as if we were co-conspirators. “You don’t want to hang out with these dinosaurs all night do you?”

“Kim!” Mom gasped.

“Ooh, sorry mom!”

“Sure,” Jared said.

“Great.”

“Shotgun!” Quil cried, and ran for the car. I rolled my eyes and stacked his dishes on mine and carried both to the kitchen. When I got back, Mom handed me her keys.

“Drive safe!” she said. 

“Will do!”

Quil was already waiting in the car, seatbelt fastened, drumming his hands on the dash. Jared climbed into the backseat.

“Jess is going to be there,” I said casually. 

“The girl I was talking to at the bonfire?” he asked.

“Yep!”

“Nice.”

“She remembered you.”

“What?” Quil’s face lit up. “What did she say about me?”

“Nothing,” I said, “but when I asked her if I could my cousin and she said: ‘Quil? Yeah bring him!’”

“When did you ask her?”

“This afternoon.”

“Oh so you didn’t forget did you?” Quil laughed. “Typical.”

“It’s the long con,” I said. “And you are sworn to silence. You too, Jared,” I added, feeling a little guilty at the sheer volume of cousin banter in the front seat. “Snitches get stitches.”

“Wow. Until now you didn’t really strike me as the shanking type,” Jared said, laughing. 

“You don’t know my life story, man,” I said. “I’ve done things.”

Quil laughed. “Yeah like that time you cut the heads off Preena’s dolls and blamed me for it.”

“Oh yeah, that’s how it starts,” I said.

“Starts young, huh?” Jared asked.

“She was fifteen,” Quil lied.

“I was six!” I cried.

We pulled into Jess’s driveway a few minutes later. Jess invited us in and then mouthed,  _ you brought spooky Jared?  _ Subtle. I just shrugged and gave her my best no-big-deal smile, but I could feel her eyes on my back as I kicked off my shoes and walked towards her living room.

“What’d we miss so far?” I asked. “Oh, and this is Jared. And you guys remember Quil right? He was at the bonfire last week.” Lauren and Angela exchanged glances. I expressly did not mention that Jared was also at the bonfire, though based on everyone’s reaction, they all recognized him. I couldn’t remember if I had talked to Angela and Lauren about Jared, but clearly Jess filled them in.

“Nice to meet you,” Lauren eventually said to Jared. Everyone casually introduced themselves. Angela and Lauren made room for Jess and I on the couch, Quil sat on the floor, his head very close to Jess’s knees, and Jared took an armchair, slightly away from the group. We watched  _ Earth Girls Are Easy.  _ We were just in time for the makeover scene where we discover that under the fur, the three fluffy aliens are actually young Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey, and Damon Wayons. Art.

Normally, I would have had to resist the urge to not ‘Mystery Science Theater’ over a movie of this caliber, but tonight I was distracted. I kept sneaking glances at Jared. For the most part, he seemed fixated on the movie, but our eyes met once. I held eye contact with him for a moment and felt his eyes on me for moments after I had looked away.

_ What’s his deal?  _ It felt as though he knew me, but was determined to pretend not to, which made no sense. I was curious about him. It seemed like since I’d moved here, my life was becoming enveloped in mysteries. I was still reeling about the Cullens. I never spoke to them. They never asked me what I meant in my note, which didn’t assuage my suspicions, though it was possible they were just fully human and entirely confused by my unprompted written promise to sworn secrecy. I was always more invested in facts than fantasy, but the Cullens were abnormal. I wasn’t ready to buy into the most recent, haphazard additions to Quileute mythology, compliments of my creative, chaotic great-great grandfather, but I believed there is a truth in every story, and as a general rule, I trust my eyes. I knew there was something off about the Cullens, and I was determined to tease out the full truth.

I was also determined to solve the other major mystery in my life. Something strange was happening in La Push. There was a secret, and whatever it was, my Aunt, Uncle, and Grandfather were fully aware, while myself, my mom, and Quil were not. I snuck another glance at Jared. He laughed at the movie, which surprised me. I hadn’t been sure if he was actually watching or not. Something told me he had the answers I wanted. My mind reeled with questions:  _ Why was he at dinner with my family? How does he know me? And why is he pretending not to?  _

The movie ended. We all talked for a bit. Jess and Quil locked in a surprisingly intense debate about the movie, Angela asked me if I had written the English essay yet, and to my complete surprise, Lauren struck up a conversation with Jared. They exchanged a few pleasantries and then it was clear that Lauren was flirting with him. Jared did not shy away. For some reason, this was oddly comforting. It felt normal, making me wonder if I’d exaggerated Jared’s spookiness in my memory. But then I thought back to the bonfire and the way he’d stared at me. There’s no way I’d imagined that.

Angela announced that she was calling it a night and I said the same. Jared hopped up immediately, which seemed to annoy Lauren, but she shrugged it off. Quil and Jess were locked in their debate and showed no signs of stopping. 

“Want a ride, Quil?” I asked.

“Yeah, yeah, just a sec,” he said. He pulled out his phone. “Here put your number in,” he said, handing Jess his phone. “We can settle this later.” She laughed and started typing. 

“Night guys!” I said.

“See ya Monday!”

“Bye!”

“Shotgun!” Quil called as soon as we were outside. 

I climbed into the driver seat and held out my fist. “Pound it,” I said. Quil obliged. “That was so smooth, my dude. I’m impressed.”

“I know what I’m doing,” he said.

“I know!” I said, mocking shock. “And you’re a freshman! That’s witchcraft!” Quil guffawed. “You need me to teach me your ways.” 

“Why?!” He asked.

“So I can pick up some hot chicks. Duh!” I looked in my rearview mirror. “Where to, Jared?”

“Oh you can just drop me anywhere really,” he said.

“Wow, so low maintenance,” I teased. “Do you want me to drop you at Quil’s? Do you have a car there or something?”

“No I walked over,” he said. “But you can drop me at Quil’s if that’s easier.”

“Oh so you’re close? Just tell me where to go,” I said. 

He gave directions and I pulled up to a small beige house. 

“This is it.” He slid out of the backseat. “Thanks for the invite, Kim. And the ride.”

“Yeah sure thing,” I said. He waved and crossed his yard in two strides. 

“Is this really that close to your house?” I asked Quil as I pulled away. It didn’t look familiar.

“Not really,” Quil said. “We’re on the other end of town.”

“Oh my god,” I sighed.

“Yeah,” Quil said. “I mean it is a small town.”

“Still though. Why did he want to walk home in the dark?”

“ _ Wow, so low maintenance!”  _ Quil mocked in a high-pitched voice.

I laughed. “Your impressions could use some work dude.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Any idea why he was at dinner?” I asked.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Quil said. “Grandpa said he invited him.”

“ _ Grandpa _ invited him?” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Are grandpa and Jared friends!? Do they hang out?”

“Well remember that--” Quil paused to make quotation signs with his hands “--‘gang’ I was telling you about?”

“Gang?”

“You know, the Protectors? They have meetings with the council, and you know grandpa is on the council.” I froze. “What?” Quil asked.

“The Protectors are that little… anti-vampire coalition right?”

“Yep.”

I tried to think back to the bonfire. Jared, and his two friends who sat on the far side of the fire, Jared staring intensely at me, and his friends eventually pulling him away. Could he have known about my informal deal with the Cullens? I’d brushed off the Cullens’ abnormality, then written them a note, trying to make peace to save my own skin.  _ Is that how he knew me? As the outsider Quileute who protected the Cullens? _ But Jared’s staring, though persistent, wasn’t angry, was it? I struggled to remember his exact expressions through hazy, beer-soaked memories. And he’d seemed a lot more normal tonight. Certainly not angry.  _ But was that why he was here? Was he checking in on me? Following up somehow? Did Grandpa put him up to something? Was that why he was ok with being dropped at Quil’s? Did Grandpa ask him to report back? Or was he worried about me, going to school with the Cullens?  _ To be fair, I’d come dangerously close to a misstep, and had no idea what the consequences could have been.

“What’s wrong?” Quil asked.

“Nothing,” I lied. “Just tired.”

I had to get to the bottom of all of this. I had work to do.


	4. Sherlock Kim

The next few weeks brought no answers. Everyday, I watched the Cullens from across the Cafeteria, but I gathered no evidence or clues. I mused about them, making my thoughts as loud as thoughts could be, trying to incite a reaction from the suspected mind reader. I had no success. Either my thoughts were insufficiently loud, his facade as a non-mind-reader was impenetrable, or he couldn't read minds at all. Regardless, his non-reactions drove me insane. Was I missing a logical explanation for all the illogical things I'd witnessed? Maybe there was no mystery to unravel. The thought alone made me unjustifiably mad. Was all my speculation just a result of paranoia and boredom? What a waste of time.

One day after school, I was driving to the beach when I saw Jared and his two best friends, the so-called Protectors, walking into the little corner store in La Push. I realized it was the first time I'd seen him in weeks, though I'd honestly expected to see more of him.

I still had no theories as to why grandpa invited him to dinner. Jared knew Quil and I were cousins, and apparently Jared and grandpa were on speaking terms. Maybe Jared asked to be invited, but if he had, I had no idea why. Quil assured me that he was not a member of the family and not someone I would have met on my brief visits to La Push before moving here. Quil also agreed that Jared acted strange, both at the bonfire and at dinner. I still considered the possibility that this was because he somehow knew about my interactions with the Cullens, but I hadn't shared that with anyone.

My last theory was that Jared liked me. I wasn't sure how this could be, as I didn't think we'd interacted enough to form strong opinions about each other, but if it was true, it could explain why he acted so strangely around me. I hadn't admitted this to anyone, because if I was wrong I would seem embarrassingly vain, but I was starting to wonder if it was the most logical explanation. But if he actually liked me, why hadn't he tried to reach out to me since that one time? I hadn't given him my number-I didn't offer it, but he also didn't ask for it.

My mind buzzed with endless questions and hungered for concrete answers as I pulled in front of the store, parked, and walked inside. The bell rang as I opened the door. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jared and his friends look up from the magazine they were all studying. I walked right past them and up to the cashier, Sue Clearwater, a close friend of my Aunt and Uncle. She smiled at me.

"Pack of smokes please," I chirped. Her warm smile melted into a frown.

"You eighteen?" She asked. "You wanna show me your ID?"

"Oh that won't help," I said, waving my hand as if I could physically brush away the minor details. "I'm sixteen."

"Oh. Then you can't buy these." She said this in a voice that implied, _duh!_ Which I ignored.

"Fine." I let out my best heavy sigh. "I'll take this please." I set a Tupperware of night crawlers on the counter.

She raised an eyebrow. "You going fishing?"

"In a way." I grinned at her as I handed her a ten. She counted the change slowly, glancing up at me between each denomination. "Thanks Sue!"

"Tell your mom I said hi," she said, sounding more bewildered at this point than annoyed.

I didn't look at Jared or his friends as I walked out. I just sat in my car and positioned my new worms on the center console. I waited until I heard a tap on the passenger window. Jared opened the door a bit and held out a carton of cigarettes. I smiled.

I raised an eyebrow. "You eighteen?"

"Sam bought them."

"Well thank you, Sam," I said. "But I don't actually smoke."

"What were you in there for then?"

"Bait." My grin broadened. "I was on my way to the beach. Do you want to come? Or will your friends mind?"

He blinked a few times, eyes wide. "No they won't mind," he said finally, and climbed into the passenger side.

"Great!" I started the car. And then, because I couldn't resist an opportunity to lay it on thick and test one of my many theories, I smiled at him and said, "then it's a date!"

I studied Jared's face, but I couldn't read his reaction. His eyes widened, but I couldn't tell if that was out of excitement or abject horror. I hoped it was the first. I looked away when I noticed Jared was watching me too, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. I turned my attention to the road, trying to focus on planning out a conversation that would lead to some answers.

"So what's at the beach?" Jared eventually asked.

"Sunshine and ocean breeze," I said. "Nothing special. I was just going to clear my head."

"What are you clearing your head from?" An idea began to materialize.

"Ugh," I sighed, dramatically. "It's going to sound so dumb."

"No, tell me."

"It's this...school assignment," I said. "Well, the assignment isn't the annoying part. It's the guy I was assigned to work with."

"Who?"

"Like, what's his name?" I asked, playing innocent. "Do you know a lot of the kids in Forks?"

"Some of them," he said. "It's not a huge town."

"Ok, so his name is Jasper Cullen. Do you know him?"

I was not prepared for Jared's reaction. I figured he might become guarded if he guessed what I was up to. I didn't expect him to look scared.

"W-what?" he asked.

"What's wrong?"

"You-you're doing a… school project with one of the Cullens?"

_One of the Cullens._ Whatever superstition or world altering knowledge my family possessed, Jared was all in.

"Oh you know him?" I asked, refusing to drop the act. Jared began to tremble a bit, which made me nervous, but I prattled on. "He's a little odd. I don't know, it's like he's some kind of prodigy or something, which is weird because he looks kinda old for a high schooler. Anyways, usually I hate group projects, because I always seem to do more than the other people, but with this Jasper guy, we met to talk about it _once_ , and then he did the _whole thing!_ In like, one night."

"You went to their house?" Jared asked. He suddenly sounded hoarse and was now violently shaking.

"No… we just talked during class," I said. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah." He took a few deep breaths and the shaking slowed down, but his hands were still clenched into fists, tight enough to make his knuckles pale. "Sorry. I'm ok, really. Sorry."

"It's ok," I said, although I was really thinking, _what the hell?!_ "Do you uh-want me to take you home or something?"

"No no I'm ok really." He looked less scared and much more down. Even a little desperate. "I promise."

"Ok then… To the beach!" I forced a smile. "We can clear our heads together."

"Thanks." He smiled.

"Anytime."

I pulled up and parked by one of the boat launches. I opened my door, but then remembered the tub of worms I'd bought. I grabbed the container, found a rock, and, satisfied by the color and texture of the earth beneath it, tipped the contents out and gently replaced the rock. When I stood up, I saw that Jared was watching me, laughing.

"Setting them free?"

"Yeah," I said. "One of my many great crusades. Saving the worms. One Tupperware at a time."

"I thought you wanted bait?" I cringed but felt lucky that the subtlety was lost on him. I wasn't sure how my Aunt, Uncle, and Grandpa would react if they knew what I was poking around in.

"Nah, they did their job," I said. We walked down the pebbly beach. I tried to make sense of his bizarre reaction to my mention of the Cullens, but I knew I had to be cautious. He looked so tense, even in silence. On a whim, I picked up a rock and chucked it into the ocean, yelling as I did. Jared laughed.

"I'm clearing my head," I explained. I picked up another rock and launched it with an elaborate wind-up and an even louder yell. "You should try it. It's cathartic!"

"What does that mean?"

"No idea." I lobbed another stone, screaming at the waves as I did.

Jared scooped up a golf-ball sized stone and casually whipped it out into the sea. It went more than twice as far as my last throw.

"Oh my god, show off a little more, why don't you?" I pretended to be irritated. "Gosh, I didn't know it was a contest, but okay." I threw larger and larger rocks, increasing the theatrics to match. Jared was slowly getting into it. He even shouted as he threw one, which flew so high and far it seemed to hover before it landed. He should be a pitcher or something.

"Alright, alright." I stomped towards the tree-line until I found a massive rock. I managed to lift it, though I needed both hands, and scuttled back to the water like a burdened crab. Jared extended his hands as if to help me, to which I shouted, "Don't you dare, I don't need your charity!" I heaved it into the water. It landed two feet away from us, just barely in the surf, though the resulting splash sprayed both of us. "Ha!" I said. "You may have won the longest throw, but I won the biggest splash!" Jared grinned, and then began scanning the shoreline. "Nope! No way. Game's over. It ends in a tie, now and forever."

"Sounds fair," Jared conceded, smirking. We started walking again. We were quiet again and I was starting to feel bold. What did I have to lose anyway?

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"What did the Cullens do?"

"Ah-" Jared looked instantly uncomfortable. "It's not so much what they did… It's more about what they are." I thought about that. There was a long pause.

"And that's why you're scared of them."

"I'm not." I tried to gauge his tone. It sounded like he was telling the truth, but he reacted so strongly in the car.

"Then how come you had a little… fit when I said I was doing a project with one of them?" I glanced up at him, but for once he wasn't looking at me. "You aren't going to tell me?"

"I'm really not supposed to say."

"Then can I ask what you are?" Jared stopped walking. I turned to face him. We made eye contact, and for once, neither of us looked away. "Can you tell me about the Protectors?" His eyes widened, then narrowed.

"Who told you about that?"

"It's not a huge town, Jared." I picked at a broken nail so I wouldn't have to meet his eyes. "What exactly does it take to join the uh-modern day spirit warriors? More than just champion level rock throwing ability I'd guess?"

He sighed and started walking again. We were almost back at the car by now. I followed him. "I'm sorry. I can't tell you that either."

"Come on!" I whined, unable to keep the frustration from finally bubbling up. "Give me something to work with! Some clues or something! I'm grasping at straws here and no one will tell me anything."

"Sorry Kim." To his credit, he sounded genuinely sorry.

We climbed back into my car. The sun was almost setting now. I saw him watching me, expression guarded. I fiddled with my keys for a moment, then looked him dead in the eyes.

"You want me to stay away from the Cullens." Jared nodded, cautious but serious. "So do my grandpa, aunt, and uncle. That's why they don't want me at that school." He nodded again. I stared out over the water through the windshield, deliberating. Then I turned back to face him. "They really are vampires aren't they?" I asked. He watched me, frozen for a moment, but I didn't look away. Then, to my surprise, he gave the barest nod. "Knew it." I started the car.

* * *

"You can't tell anyone." I sighed and reached for a third chocolate chip cookie. It was possible that they were set out as more of a formality or kind gesture, to ease the tension in what was destined to be a very tense meeting. My first ever council meeting.

"I know that," I said.

"Do you know why?" Grandpa pressed. He was the leader of the meeting, and seemed to be in charge of the bulk of the questioning. Other, quieter attendees included Uncle Quil and Aunt Tina, Sue and Harry Clearwater, Billy Black, and the three teen 'Protectors.' Sam Uley and Paul Lahote, who's name I just learned, stood confidently behind the adults, and, slightly behind them stood Jared, who kept his head down, for once reluctant to meet my eyes. Little snitch.

The urgent meeting had been called a few days after Jared and I talked on the beach, after Jared's, I can only assume, tearful confession to spilling the beans on the mystery I had basically already solved. Now, the adults had to scare me silent. Hooray.

I took a bite of the third cookie, deliberating on grandpa's question. "Is it because it's rude to make fun of people's lifestyles?" I asked with my mouth full. "Or...diets?" I fought the urge to smirk as Jared hid his face in his hands.

"They're vampires!" Uncle Quil gasped.

At the same time, Aunt Tina shouted, "it's not for their sake!"

"Vegetarian ones though."

"What? Who told you that?" Grandpa resumed the role of the questioner.

"Edward Cullen," I said. Cue gasps. "What?!" I whined. "I'm _sorry._ They're _vampires._ Like _literally_. They drink blood, right? How am I supposed to _not_ call them out on it? No one wanted to give me the facts so I went to the source. I cornered Edward at school and I asked him if he ate people and he said: 'I solemnly swear my family and I do not eat people and also do not murder people for sport or any other reason. We even call ourselves vegetarian.' That's a direct vampire quote, straight from the source." Everyone at the table was staring at me, open-mouthed, except for Aunt Tina who now had her face in her hands. Clearly no one appreciated my straightforward mystery solving methods.

I couldn't sleep the night after Jared and I talked on the beach. The excitement of gaining concrete evidence, or at the very least an eyewitness testimony kept my mind awake, and those same thoughts caught the attention of the mind reader at school the next day. I watched from across the cafeteria as Edward Cullen held another fast-paced conversation with his siblings, during which I badgered him with silent questions. _Can you really read minds?_ Alternated with, _I know you can hear me!_ And, _what's it like to be a vampire? You don't eat people do you? Can you tell me what's going on in La Push? How do they know what you are? What's the deal with that? If you eat people I'm really not cool with that… seriously not sure how hush hush I can keep all of this vampire business unless you can… meet me outside in ten minutes and say, 'I solemnly swear I do not eat people and also do not murder for sport or any other reason.' Actually outside is too far and it's cold out there, so let's meet right by that back door uh...now!_

I don't know why I'd pretended to care that it was cold outside. As a mind reader, Edward would be fully aware that I really just wanted witnesses nearby. I'd walked up to the back door and examined a flyer for the homecoming dance. Moments later he walked up, and after a pause-I'm assuming to verify that no one else was within earshot-he whispered, "I solemnly swear my family and I do not eat people and also do not murder for sport or any other reason." Pause. "We even call ourselves vegetarian." And then I'd looked him in the eyes, smiled, and thanked him, because he was beautiful, my adrenaline was out of control, and I was genuinely grateful that he had chosen to trust me with a heavy secret rather than manipulate me into thinking I was crazy.

"We're getting you out of that school," Aunt Tina said, interrupting my thoughts. I rolled my eyes. 'Get Kim out of Forks High' had been like a campaign slogan among all my adult family and family friends on the Rez.

I thought of my mom. "I'm not transferring."

"They're dangerous," grandpa said.

"They're _weird,"_ I corrected, firmly. "And _creepy._ Both by nature. But they aren't evil. Whether they are dangerous is an entirely different question. I'd say they have both the ability and motivation not to hurt people."

"You're wrong," grandpa said.

"Have they hurt you? Or someone you know?" I asked, softly. He clenched his jaw and his expression darkened, but neither him nor anyone else in the room said anything. "And yet you _know_ that they are dangerous?"

"How do you know that they aren't?" Sam asked. "You said they're weird and creepy. Everyone in this room is telling you they're dangerous. So why not stay away? Why not transfer schools? Why take the risk?"

I met his eyes. My hands started to shake. Something about his calm confidence rubbed me the wrong way. "Are you really going to lecture me on risky company, Sam?" As soon as I said it his face crumpled with pain and I felt a flash of hot guilt, but I stood my ground. "The Cullens had their own thoughts on who qualifies as dangerous company."

Everyone in the room had been staring at me the whole time, but now everyone's expression seemed to intensify into a greater version of anger, fear, disgust, pain, shock, mistrust. Part of me wanted to apologize. Part of me wanted to run. Instead I sat frozen in my seat, mulling over the details of the rest of my conversation with Edward Cullen.

In the cafeteria that day, after I had smiled and thanked him in our little meeting by the bulletin board, Edward did not immediately return to his table. Instead he said, "Jared told you my secret. Can I tell you his? I think you have a right to know."

And I said, "yes."


	5. Earth to Nerd

"What do you know about the ones who call themselves the Protectors?" Edward asked, voice low. We were in the hallway now. A few other students and teachers milled around, but no one paid us any attention. I thought about the trio of boys on the Rez. I thought about Jared and his unexplained staring, about Quil's description of the group. I remembered asking him if they were spirit warriors and his answer was, _supposedly._ I also remembered asking if La Push High was monster-free and his answer was, _well there is this gang._ I hadn't given them as much thought as the Cullens, as they never struck me as anything other than human, but something changed in me. Now I didn't trust myself to know what was real or not.

I didn't want to voice any of my theories to Edward though, so I said, "nothing."

"Your thoughts are on the right track," he said. "They are more than a special interest club, tied together by more than philosophy."

I crossed my arms, instantly annoyed. "Are you just going to tell me riddles?"

"You thought all the stories your grandfather told you were metaphors," Edward said.

"Yes."

"And now you know that a piece of them is literal."

"Yeah," I said. "About the cold ones."

"The part about the spirit-warriors is also literal."

I thought about that for a minute. "What are they?"

"We aren't entirely certain," Edward said. "It's some kind of rare genetic condition that appeared in La Push years ago. It's only expressed in men. It involves physical mutations, brought on by heightened emotional state, which reverse once the emotional state… subsides."

I squinted at Edward, trying to make sense of all the technical jargon. "Like, what, they get all worked up and then… hulk out?" I asked.

Edward shrugged. "They turn into wolves."

"And only three boys in La Push, or in the world, have this... beast-mode condition?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Only those three, currently expressing the phenotype," he said, jumping on the opportunity to flaunt his Biology knowledge. The physical trait that goes along with the genetics.

"So women can have the gene, but only men lose their shit in a big, phenotypic way?" Edward nodded. "Ha. And they say women are the emotional ones."

He smirked but was immediately serious again. "I'm telling you this because this affects you."

"How so?" I asked. "I mean, most of my family lives there."

"My sister can see the future," he said.

"Um. Wow. Okay?"

"Most peoples' futures anyway," he said. "Alice. She can see outcomes based on a current set of planned actions. But… the werewolves are different. She can't see them, because there is no intentionality to their actions. They're completely unpredictable. Their lives are ruled by chaos."

I frowned at him because he suddenly struck me as awfully judgmental for a vampire, but I did my best to ignore that. "And what does this have to do with me?"

"Alice can't see your future either," Edward said. "She couldn't see anything. From the moment we saw you from across the cafeteria and realized that you knew exactly what we were. That's what scared my family most. They are used to knowing exactly what to expect." With a mind reader and a fortune teller in the ranks it did not surprise me that they were ill-prepared for uncertainty.

"Why can't she see me?" I asked.

"My best guess is that your future is so entangled with one of theirs that it is impossible to separate your fate from his."

"Oh please." I scoffed. "I am _not_ planning on getting _entangled_ with Spooky Jared."

"Good," Edward said. "He will not leave you alone, but do what you can to maintain your distance."

"Why do you care?"

"They're dangerous."

"Says the vampire."

He sighed. "Accidents happen because of them. I can read minds. You were right about that. Jared," he said the name oddly, as if he thought that the concept of names was strange when applied to the Protectors, "imprinted on you. That's why he's staring."

"Imprinted?" I asked. "So he hatched right before he saw me at the bonfire and now he thinks I'm his mom?"

"Kind of a misnomer. It's just what they call it," Edward said. "Regardless, it's a similar phenomenon in its strength and singularity. It's the closest thing in this world to love at first sight. He'll never stop wanting to get closer to you."

"Hot." I said, dryly. "So what do I… go find a potion or something?"

"There is no cure," Edward said.

"Then what am I supposed to do?" I asked, mouth falling open at the lack of practical advice. "Get a restraining order? How does any of this help me? I'm supposed to what-somehow avoid him while most of my family lives in the same town as him and let him suffer from this horrible... lost duckling disease? So my future reemerges from your sister's psychic void?"

"He doesn't have a choice," Edward said. "But you do. And you need to choose carefully. As I said, accidents happen because of them. Jared is not the first one to 'imprint' in recent years. Sam did, and he lost control near this woman, which nearly cost her her life."

"Emily?"

Edward nodded. _Shit._ I knew Sam Uley's fiance. She was a lovely woman, aside from some nasty scarring, which I was told resulted from a freak bear attack a few hours north.

"Just think about what I said," Edward said. The bell rang and students poured into the hall. Edward let himself be swept away by the crowd while I stood there, frozen.

* * *

I told the whole story at the informal council meeting, editing out the 'imprinting' part, but leaving the part where my future was shrouded in opaque uncertainty, due to my inevitable _entanglement_ with the Protectors. Just for added spooks. Maybe I was also panning for sympathy so I didn't feel as bad about the mess I'd made. The hardest part to say was that Edward had used Emily as an example, but I felt it was too important to leave out in justifying the warnings I'd received, and I wasn't about to forgive the hypocrisies in the assumptions of either party. After I was finished I eyed the plate cookies again. I didn't feel comfortable meeting anyone's eyes. Four cookies was probably okay, right? I took one.

"They can read minds!?" Paul asked.

"Oh you didn't know?" I eyed him as I took a dainty little bite. "Hm." I glanced around the room. Everyone looked thoroughly miserable and I sank into guilt over the turmoil I'd caused.

"Look all I'm trying to say is, from what little I know, it sounds like there's a lot of politics on both sides. You all seem to have really strong feelings about each other." I paused and took a deep breath. "Honestly, I appreciate that you um… invited me to this... side-council meeting? Or whatever this is? To fill me in on all this. But to be honest, I feel like there's something big you aren't telling me." Everyone glanced at Jared. Edward must have been telling me the truth.

"Because the last big secret isn't ours to tell," Grandpa said. And then, to my complete surprise, the room steadily emptied. Sam and Paul helped Billy and Grandpa with their wheelchairs, Sue, Harry, and even Uncle Quil and Aunt Tina, who's kitchen we were currently sitting in, walked out, leaving me sitting at the table, and Jared, with slightly shaking hands, standing against the back wall. We were frozen and silent for a few awkward moments. I waited, thinking he would break the silence, but it became clear that he wouldn't. He looked uncomfortable to the point of misery.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" I asked. He nodded.

We stepped out the back and walked through the woods. I didn't say anything. I wanted to give him a chance to gather his thoughts.

"Kim. I-I'm sorry," he said.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," I said.

"No one's angry at you, honestly," he said. "You just--you're scaring us."

I sighed. Of course I was. They trusted me with big secrets and I had trivialized them.

"I know," I said. "I really didn't ask to be in the middle of all this. It just happened."

I stopped walking when I realized that Jared was no longer walking. I looked back at him. He looked down at his hands, which were trembling. I walked back to him and put my hands around his. The shaking slowed and then eventually stopped altogether. His skin was warm.

"The bloodsucker said your future was too uh--entangled in ours?" Jared asked. I nodded. "That's my fault." I bit my lip to stop myself from saying anything. As hard as it was to watch him struggle, I knew he needed to say it himself. "I--something happened when I saw you at the beach. It's something that happens, sometimes, not very often, it's supposed to be pretty rare actually." He paused. I continued to practice silence. "It's called imprinting. It's when we see someone who's really important, we can feel it." He ran his hand through his hair, and bounced a little on his heels. "Like, your face--god this sounds so dumb. I don't know how to explain it." I realized I was frowning and fought to bring my expression back to neutral. "It's like... gravity? Like someone that pulls you in without doing anything. Keeps you… grounded." He trailed off and I waited until I was sure he was finished.

"So I'm like your rock?" I asked, smiling. "The _bloodsucker_ told me. I just left that part out. Felt kind of personal and I didn't want to expose you in front of your friends and neighbors." His mouth fell open.

"They all know," he said, stunned.

"I also wanted to hear you say it," I whispered. "So I would know if it was real or not. I've been having a little trouble with that. Sorting out what's real. It's going to be okay." His face crumpled and I watched as the walls he'd put up fell away. I could tell by his expression and his reactions that no, he did not know how to explain it, and that yes, it was a big deal. As I stood next to him in the woods, neither of us speaking, I knew I couldn't keep my distance as Edward Cullen advised. I pictured my future growing murkier and murkier in Alice Cullen's mind.

I knew there was no coming back.

* * *

"Be honest, cuz," Quil said, while stabbing at his food with a little more force than necessary. "Are you dating Spooky Jared?"

"No." I laughed. "Though I am starting to feel bad about giving him that nickname."

I was initially flattered when Quil suggested we grab lunch at Gracie's Diner, thinking he wanted to spend time with me. I felt less flattered when I realized that he really wanted to stage an intervention to warn me about the Protectors and Jared. The subject matter also made me nervous as I'd recently been sworn to secrecy.

"Well talk of the town is, you," Quil pointed his fork at me, "and him, are going steady."

I rolled my eyes. "Have you and Sue been gossiping again?"

"What? No I don't hang out with Sue, she's like my mom's age!" He frowned, and then almost immediately smiled. "Oh wait, I get it. You're saying I'm like an old lady."

"Bingo." I took another bite so I could think while chewing. "Yes, we have been hanging out. No, we are not dating." Quil just squinted at me, letting skepticism color his face.

I smiled. To be honest, I had been hanging out with Jared a lot, though I wasn't sure if you could call what we were doing dating. Luckily, Jared was much more relaxed now that he'd told me the reason for all the staring and I didn't run away screaming.

I had been very nervous about the imprinting thing, which I had since re-named 'getting rocked.' I explained this to Jared by shouting, "you've been _RAWKED!"_ At him in the voice of a pro-wrestling announcer while trying and failing to get him in a headlock. The height difference was not in my favor there.

"Get it?" I'd asked Jared. "You said it's like gravity and being grounded… I said it's like I'm your rock… you said nothing which means you agree so… _GET RAWKED PUNK!"_

His response was, "stop screaming, people are staring!"

When I asked Jared what he thought of my new term, he just shrugged and said I could call it whatever I liked, but officially it was still called imprinting. Then, when I explained to him what imprinting means in behavioral ecology, he immediately accepted my new term, solely to avoid comparison to a lost duckling.

It turned out being imprinted on aka. rawking someone was not as painful as it sounded. I thought I would feel uncomfortable, avoid him whenever possible, and dread our meetings as if they were some sort of prequel to an anachronistic arranged marriage or something. Luckily, now that the truth was out, Jared seemed to naturally repel awkwardness and, though he was still prone to staring and seemed a bit too elated whenever we were together, I soon felt comfortable around him.

I hadn't been lying to Quil. We had been hanging out a lot, but so far, hanging out with Jared hadn't felt so different from hanging out with any of my other friends. We spent time at the beach, ate junk food from drive-throughs, drank beer and played video games in his basement. When I first heard it described, I thought that imprinting was a lustful thing, but so far it didn't feel that way. I didn't have many guy friends, so I didn't really have anything to compare it to. Most of the guys I spent time with eventually revealed that they were interested in me, which always made things uncomfortable, but with Jared it hadn't felt like it was moving in that direction. Or any direction really. At first, I wondered if he was being cautious to avoid scaring me off, but as we spent more and more time together, sharing laughter and secrets but nothing physical, I stopped thinking it was a pretense. Jared seemed perfectly content to just be friends. I had the feeling that he just wanted to spend time with me, and had no real preference as to the specifics of our relationship. This wasn't a bad thing, but it was confusing. I had no idea what to feel.

"Earth to nerd," Quil said, tapping his fork on his glass to get my attention. I flinched. I'd been so lost in thought I'd forgotten he was there, and that we were in public.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"Oh my god," he said. "You're in love."

I grabbed the nearest object, which happened to be a squeeze-bottle of ketchup, and brandished it at him like a weapon. "Don't make me use this!" He laughed, and I realized I'd successfully distracted him, but his words weighed on my mind. _You're in love._ Was I?

After lunch with Quil, I grabbed my backpack and told mom I was going to Lauren's to study. Lauren and Jess had been covering for me often. They were both happy to provide an alibi in exchange for shreds of juicy gossip. Jess and Lauren were fascinated that I was spending time with Jared.

Strictly speaking, I probably didn't _need_ an alibi. I wasn't sure mom would care if I was hanging out with a boy--she'd driven me to a string of awkward middle-school dates--but I felt like I couldn't share any details with her without sharing every detail, which I wasn't ready to do. I could tell how relieved she was that I was doing well in school and making friends, and I was happy to let her focus on that.

One time, I mentioned that I was hanging out with Jared before he and I went to see a terrible horror movie in La Push's one room theater. She'd made a face and asked what my other friends were up to that night, which I read in to, because she made a similar face when Aunt Tina and Uncle Quil tried to convince her to send me to school on the Rez, or move to the Rez. It was just a touch of annoyance, mingled with concern and a hint of judgement. Mom wanted her world to be big. She wanted the same for me, and seemed reluctant to admit that she had come back home. So today, as always, I told her I was headed to Lauren's, climbed in mom's car, turned right at the end of the driveway, and then one block over looped back around toward La Push.

Today when I knocked on his door, I didn't hear Jared yelling "I got it, I got it!" as he usually did when he raced his parents to the door. He just opened it and smiled.

"Hey," he said. "Come on in." I stepped inside. The TV was on, but the living room was empty.

"Where are your folks?" I asked.

"They went to the Clearwater's place," he said as he sat down on the couch and took a sip of coke. He looked at me, maybe wondering why I was still standing by the door. He rattled the can in his hand. "You want one?"

"Sure, I can get it." It felt weird to be hanging out in his living room. Usually if we were in Jared's house, we hurried up to his room or to the basement. Jared's mother Maia was probably the most talkative person I'd ever met. Once a conversation started, there was no telling when it would end. Sometimes this worked in our favor. I stayed for dinner once last week and Mrs. Cameron talked the entire time, which did wonders to ease my nerves. But when I was coming to visit Jared, he always raced for the door and we would retreat upstairs or to the basement. Today we had no parents to hide from.

I walked into the kitchen and went right to the fridge but was distracted by the collection of photos displayed on it. All Jared, since he was an only child. I looked at one picture of him. He looked about five or six. He was cute, a little chubby, rocking an unfortunate bowl-cut, but smiling proudly while holding a fish.

"Sorry, I'm boring you, aren't I?" I jumped and whirled around. I didn't hear him come in. Not one step. He moved like that without noticing, rarely making noises. "Sorry!" Then he saw what I was staring at and smiled. "Enjoying the shrine?"

"You were cute." I smiled at him. "But the aging process has been kind to you." He laughed. I grabbed my soda and then we walked up to his room. Maybe he felt out of place in the living room too.

We watched videos on his laptop, a decade-old relic that wheezed from the effort of the task. Then he pulled up Facebook.

"You've gotta show me some pictures of you as a kid," he said. "It's only fair."

I cackled. "What!?"

"Come on," he said, "You saw my greatest hits! I just want to see… your first profile pic." He grinned, wickedly.

"No," I said. He already had my profile open and was clicking back in time.

I could remember my first profile picture clearly. It was a triple threat of early middle school embarrassment, a dangerous combination of overalls, braces, and rainbow barrettes. I was holding Quil's beloved, obese, late cat, Punchie, and smiling like the little shark that I was. I was also tragically allergic to dear, sweet Punchie, and as a result, my eyes were swollen shut and my skin was covered in angry hives in the photo. Usually, I was all for self-deprecating humor. That's why I'd kept the photo up. I'd even shown it to select friends as evidence for my incredible glow up. But in this moment, I realized I didn't want Jared to see it.

I tried to pull his hand away from the laptop, which did not slow him down. He didn't actually seem to notice. Frustrated, I grabbed the top of the screen and pulled the computer mostly closed over his hand.

Suddenly I was irrationally angry. Just over a month ago, he made the ultimate confession, describing a soulmate-like connection. Alice, the literal clairvoyant, thought my future would be permanently entangled with his. He'd said I was like gravity for him. He compared me to a law of physics. And since then, nothing. I was sneaking around and generating rumors while hanging out in his parent's house, playing video games with him. After everything, why did it feel like I was the one who cared?

Jared put his laptop aside. I couldn't look at him. My face felt hot. I wanted to escape. I needed to think of something, some excuse to leave, but I couldn't stop thinking about the way his arm had felt in my hand when I tried to pull him away from his computer.

"Kim, I'm sorry," he said.

"Stop," I said, and then regretted it because it sounded like I was angrier than I was.

"I didn't mean anything by it, Kim." It sounded like he was pleading. "I was just teasing--"

"Please stop," I said. "Please stop talking." He did.

I glared at his door for a moment, then the silence grew too uncomfortable to bear, I peeked up at him. For the first time since he initially confessed his feelings, I got a glimpse of just how important this was to him. It was in the panic in his voice, and now in his eyes. It looked like he was afraid that if he said the wrong thing, or made one mistake, then I would disappear. He wasn't indifferent. He wasn't treating me like one of his pals because that's all he wanted, he was treating me like glass because he felt like he couldn't afford to take any risks. Which meant that if I wanted something more, it was on me to make that clear.

He watched me, eyes cautious, shoulders slumped inward. I took a breath and then leaned forward and kissed him. Just a quick kiss. His chapped lips were hot beneath mine.

I backed up, trying to read his reaction. His eyes went wide. "Oh," he said. Then he kissed me back.


	6. New Normal

I couldn't sleep the night after I kissed Jared for the first time. I lay awake, replaying the moment over and over. Half of my mind dwelled on regrets. _I shouldn't have kissed him like that. I shouldn't have kissed him at all. I made things weird. I should have kissed him for longer. I shouldn't have left so soon._ That's what I regretted most. After kissing Jared, I made a hasty, sloppy exit based on a half-baked excuse. I wished I could forget how confused and hurt he'd looked as I left.

The other half of my mind played those few brief kisses over and over in my mind, savoring every moment, committing every detail to memory. That part of me checked my phone every twenty minutes, midnight and onward, fighting the urge to text him. I was determined to wait until a reasonable hour. Ten a.m. was my goal, but I caved at ten minutes to nine.

_Hey Jared, sorry about yesterday! Are you free at all today? Want to meet up?_

I sent the text but then frowned as I reread it. I probably should have specified what I was sorry about.

_When I said sorry I didn't mean about the kiss I meant about making it awkward and leaving so sudden after._

I sent and reread that message a few times. He didn't respond. I tried not to panic. He was probably still asleep, but it felt like I'd left things on a weird note in my last text, so I texted him again.

_Anyways let me know when you see this!_

I spent the rest of the morning regretting all three texts, fighting the urge to send more, and checking my phone far too often. Jared texted me back just after noon:

_Sorry I was asleep!_

I let out a breath and texted him back: _Rough night huh?_

Jared: _Yeah I had to run._

Jared: _Want to get lunch?_

I looked down at the sad sandwich I had just made myself.

Me: _Sure! Want to meet at Gracie's in an hour?_

Jared: _It's a date._

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and went to get ready. An hour later in Gracie's diner, we sat across from each other in a little corner booth. Neither of us could sit still.

"The waffles here are really good," Jared said.

"They're my favorite," I said. Jared smiled. I wracked my brain for something interesting or relevant to say until the waitress came by to take our order. After she left, I leaned across the table and lowered my voice. "Is it just me, or did she look scared of us?"

Jared swallowed. "Um, I go to school with her."

I raised my eyebrows. "And?"

"The uh, Protectors don't have a great reputation."

"Oh."

"I mean, no one knows what we are."

I nodded, though I didn't think their reputation would be much better if people did know what they were. For the first time I was nervous hanging out with Jared, probably because it was the first time spending time with him actually felt like a date. My stomach felt so tight that I only finished half of my waffle. Jared shrugged and offered to finish mine after he'd eaten his.

After lunch we went to the beach. We walked, stiff, side by side at first but eventually I worked up the courage to slip my hand into his as we walked. I asked for more details on imprinting. He did his best to field my questions, but it seemed like he had trouble putting feelings into words. I could relate to that. Our imprinting discussion led to a half-spirited debate on free-will and destiny. By half-spirited, I mean that I was into it and Jared was less so. He wanted to turn around.

"Why?" I asked.

He looked up at the sky. "It's going to start raining buckets soon."

I frowned at the clouds, which did look a little threatening, but it had been overcast all day and we hadn't felt a drop. "I'm not afraid of a little rain."

He smirked. "Ok, suit yourself!" Ten minutes later the sky opened up.

The rain pounded us as Jared and I ran up the beach and into the woods. We ran from tree to tree, laughing hysterically as we did, stopping under a big fir tree that actually provided decent cover. "Told you!" Jared shouted over the noise of the rain and grinned at me. I wanted to sass him back, but my teeth were chattering. "Oh you're shaking!" I glared at him and he wrapped his arms around me. My anger evaporated. He was so warm.

Rain this heavy usually let up, or at least eased quickly. Not today. Half an hour later it was still pouring. Luckily we were well sheltered under our chosen tree, but before long I started shaking again. We curled up against the tree trunk and Jared eventually pulled me into his lap. I might have been embarrassed if I wasn't distracted by how comfortable I was there. We stayed like that until the rain finally faded to a drizzle, then we walked back to the car, still sopping wet, hands still interlocked.

Half of my life in Forks was entirely mundane. Homework, SAT prep, hanging out with friends. The other half was surreal, like the classes with vampires and dating a werewolf. All of the Cullens had strong feelings about me. Edward must have told his siblings that I was aware of their secrets, and that I was spending enough of my free time with Jared against Edward's warning that they would get no foresight from Alice the Clairvoyant if I were to go back on my promise and reveal those secrets. I could tell from their faces that they resented me for it. The glares I got in calc and across the cafeteria, mixed with the awareness that Edward was probably reading my mind whenever I was within proximity, whatever the proximity for mind reading might be, was enough to make me seriously consider transferring to the La Push School, but I knew mom would never hear of it.

I did my best to ignore how surreal my life had become, but reminders cropped up everywhere. Dating Jared felt normal most of the time, even though he was my first real boyfriend, which was kind of surreal in itself, but every once in a while something undeniably supernatural would happen. On a sunny day, Jared and I walked on the beach again, debating whether La Push could call itself a beach town. Then we heard a wolf howl in the woods.

"Shit," he said. "I've gotta go."

"Really?" I gawked at him, because I secretly still had trouble thinking of him as a literal werewolf, though at this point I was fully aware that his spirit warrior status went far beyond a metaphor.

"Yeah sorry!" He gave me a very quick kiss before sprinting for the tree-line, tearing off his clothes and shaking from head to toe as he went. _What?!_

Eventually I got tired of pretending and I convinced Jared to let me see him fully 'hulk out.' He dodged for a while, saying that to do that I would also have to see him naked, and he didn't think we were there yet. I decided that was more than fair and suggested we find a waist high bush for him to stand behind for the sake of modesty. He eventually agreed, though he seemed nervous through the whole ordeal, which made me feel guilty for pushing. We stood about ten yards apart, Jared behind a perfectly opaque waist-high bush, while he stripped, shaking as he did so. He closed his eyes and the shaking intensified from trembles to what resembled a violent seizure. Then, in a span of maybe two seconds he expanded, erupted in fur, and fell to all fours. I understood why he hadn't wanted me to see. It was terrifying. He thought I would be scared off or disgusted, but at this point I cared too much to let any such feelings show. I swallowed my fear and walked over to him.

"You're huge!" That was all I could think to say, and I did so almost involuntarily. He was about the size of a polar bear. I whispered "jeepers," which he must have heard because he started doing a weird kind of pant-snort that I could only assume was the wolf equivalent of laughter. It sounded so strange that pretty soon I was laughing too. I reached up and touched his cheek. I stood there, staring at him, trying to come to terms with how abnormal my life had become.

Eventually Jared the wolf started walking away and, confused, I followed him. We walked together for a minute, and then he darted off, so fast it was as if he had vanished. I stood there for a moment, shocked. Then I looked around, realizing I didn't even know which way the beach was. Before I had time for more than the briefest flash of panic, Jared jogged over, fully human and fully dressed.

"Sorry," he said, "I didn't really want to phase back right in front of you and I couldn't think of another way to get you to look away."

I gawked at him for a minute. He looked nervous again, guarded for the first time since he'd initially opened up. Luckily, I knew exactly what to say. "Jeepers you're fast!"

He started laughing. "Why is that word so funny?!"

While we were walking back to the beach, he asked me if I was ok.

"Yeah I'm fine!" Odd and frightening as it was, it also felt deeply personal, and I was touched that he let me see it. It was like being trusted with another secret. "I mean it was terrifying. But in a good way. Like, remind me to recruit you if I ever need to get into a gang fight or something."

"A gang fight?"

"Oh you never know what the future could bring." I nodded as if I was serious. "But anyways, thank you for introducing me to your alter ego." I thought for a minute. "Gerard? No that's not quite right. That's like your sophisticated, French alter ego who smokes a pack a day and looks down on people who shop at TJ Maxx. I'll think of something better for your...lupine alter ego."

"I didn't scare you?" he asked.

"I said it was _terrifying_ ," I clarified, laughing, "but I'm glad you showed me regardless. I know it was scary for you too."

"I uh-didn't really want you to see me like that," he said.

"I know," I said. "But I think I needed to. I mean, I _believed_ you, but some things you need to see."

Over the past few weeks, Jared had made several increasingly bold claims, like that he could run from his house to mine, nearly fifteen miles, in under ten minutes. I'd thought he was exaggerating, but when he ran as a wolf just now, following his path with my eyes was like trying to trace a bullet. I was now determined to petition for wolf-back rides, but that was a debate for another day. Jared also claimed that he could read the minds of his pack-mates, Sam and Paul, if they were in wolf form at the same time. Alternatively, they could read his mind. In spite of some previous experience with mind readers, this creeped me out to no end. As comfortable as I was around Jared, it took far longer for me to trust his friends.

From the beginning I was guarded around Sam, and he was guarded around me. I didn't trust him after I found out what happened to his fiance Emily. Sam lost control around her once, phasing, and leaving her with scars on her face and arm. I was tense the first time we all hung out was at the beach, even though the others were all casual. Emily brought snacks. Paul commented that I smelled like a bloodsucker. Jared thumped him. I couldn't take my eyes off of Emily, and eventually Sam noticed. Jared drove me home after.

"You can't stare at Emily like that," he said. "It makes Sam feel uncomfortable."

"Sam should feel uncomfortable."

"It was an accident."

"Oh so attacking your partner is an accident?"

"He didn't mean to," Jared said. "He just...lost control. He was young, he couldn't control his powers at first. He's really torn up about it."

I glared out the window so he couldn't see my face. "So she's scarred, but it's ok because he's sorry?"

"He is though. It'll never happen again."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I can read his mind." I didn't answer. "It will never happen to us," Jared said. "I-I've been like this for way longer than Sam had then. I know how to control it."

I let out a sigh. "I believe you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't." I looked over. Jared met my eyes. "I know you aren't Sam. But you should know that I'm nothing Emily. Emily might believe in second chances, but I don't." Jared nodded, his expression more solemn than I'd seen before. He stopped trying to defend Sam around me.

I tried to be subtle, but I was watching, waiting for Sam to slip up. The longer I watched, the less likely it seemed. Sam gave off a constant aura of maturity and control, probably caused by his almost Shakespearian-level tragic life. He'd dated Leah Clearwater, Sue's daughter, all through high school. They'd been making plans to move in together and to get married. Then Sam transformed, disappeared, and got rawked. He broke off his relationship with Leah to pursue her cousin, Emily. He never told Leah why. I bet she was devastated until the 'accident.' I wondered how she felt after. Angry? Scared for her cousin probably, but maybe also fortunate that she'd dodged a bullet. I wondered where he would be now had he not become a werewolf. His life would probably be so much easier. I believed it when Jared and Sam talked about being in the pack as their burden to bear, but when I was around Sam and Emily, they never gave any indication that their relationship was part of that burden. In spite of what Sam had done, the pain he had caused her, and the fact that he felt he had no say in the matter, both he and Emily saw their relationship as a silver lining. In addition to the somewhat excessive affection, Sam was very gentle with her, and they seemed to move in perfect coordination, as if anticipating each other's every move. Emily's scars marred the image, but otherwise they really did look like soulmates.

It was hard for me to watch them though. They were the only other rawked couple in the world. I was nothing like Emily, and as far as I could tell Jared was nothing like Sam. I already knew I didn't want what they had, though part of me suspected Jared did.

Paul was nothing like Sam or Jared. He was thin-skinned and prone to anger, setting off at the slightest aggravation. I think it annoyed him that both Sam and Jared were pulled in such a different direction from him, leaving him alone. Paul was funny though, as well as unapologetically genuine. I had fun messing with him.

In spite of the tensions and many differences between us, as I spent more time with the pack, I got the weirdest feeling that Sam and Paul accepted my presence. Soon, I felt less awkward tagging along with the pack. I had a theory that the connection of Sam and Paul's thoughts to Jared's extended beyond shared information and into shared feelings. Jared talked about Sam and Paul's triumphs and failures as if they were his own. He called them his brothers, and though they weren't related, it seemed they were that close, if not closer.

Jared spent time with my friends too. Lauren and Jess made frequent shameless comments about how hot they thought he was. I was relieved that in their minds he had finally graduated from the "Spooky Jared" status I had initially branded him with. The downside of this was that werewolves had some freakish enhanced hearing, and he frequently overheard them, which was really starting to impact his ego.

"So according to Jessica, I'm an LA 7 and a stone-cold Forks 10," Jared said, smirking as I drove him home after one of these hangs.

"I don't even know what that means."

"She didn't rank you?"

"Apparently I'm a New Jersey 9 and a Miami 8," I said. "I just don't know how it translates."

"She didn't rate you on the Forks scale?"

"Nope. I guess we'll never know who's out of who's league in the eyes of the all-knowing Jessica."

"Hm," Jared said. "Well I'm far from all-knowing, but I'd say you are a solid 10 across the map. Except for LA where you are a 7."

I snorted. "Thanks. So we're evenly matched then? Maybe Lauren can be the tie-breaker."

"No way. It ends in a tie, now and forever."

I smiled.

Jared and I were fully an item by November. I told mom we were dating. At first her eyes narrowed as she studied me. Later she insisted on having him over for dinner. The evening was initially awkward and my heart was pounding from when we started cooking until after Jared left, but overall it went better than I expected. After he left, mom even said, "he seems sweet." As it always was with mom, I knew there was more that she wasn't saying, but I did my best to ignore her subtle frowns whenever I told her I was going to spend time with him. Surprisingly, the only vocal objector to my relationship with Jared was Quil.

"I just don't trust him," Quil said, for the fifth time. We'd been recruited to clean out Grandpa's garage, which desperately needed the attention. Quil tossed an old chair into the sell pile.

"I thought you were like, kind of friends," I said. "Didn't you invite him to the bonfire that one time?"

"No. He and his friends just showed up."

"Huh. So why don't you trust him?" I asked. I didn't look up from the dusty cassette player I was trying to evaluate.

"That whole group is _off,"_ Quil grumbled. "The _Protectors?_ Like are they serious?"

"Yeah yeah they're real ego-maniacs," I said. Quil didn't seem to care if I was serious or not.

"They move like fucking aliens," Quil said. "It's like they can read each other's minds."

"Uh-huh."

"Are you even listening?" Quil asked. I looked at him.

"Keep or sell?" I asked, holding up my cassette player.

"What? Who would buy that?"

"So… keep?"

"Can you just listen to me for a second?" Quil asked.

"Fine." I put down the cassette player and we sat on some orange crates.

"There is something seriously off about them," he whispered. "Sam disappeared a while back. For weeks. When he showed up at school again he was different. He'd cut his hair and he always looked like he was in pain. Or like he was focusing really hard on something. Then the same thing happened to Paul. He and Sam weren't friends before, they rarely spoke, and then he disappears, shows up with a new haircut and tattoo and... boom. He and Sam are inseparable. It was the same with Jared."

"Spooky," I whispered.

"Kim it seriously is!" Quil whined. "I'm telling you there's something weird about them. Don't you at least think it's weird the way he stares at you?"

"It's a little weird," I allowed. "I _told_ him it was weird, and he said he couldn't help it _because I'm so pretty!"_ I said the last part in a sing-song voice.

"See?! There's obviously something wrong with him!"

"Hey!" I slapped his arm, but I couldn't help but laugh at that zinger. "What's that supposed to mean?!"

Quil was laughing now and I could tell the debate was over. He still made a face whenever I brought up Jared though.

Life was mostly uneventful until early spring, when a new girl showed up at school, quietly entered our friend group, and eventually unraveled all the mysteries I'd once uncovered but now guarded.


	7. New Girl

The new girl's name was Bella Swan. She was very quiet, pretty, but almost painfully shy. As far as I could tell, we were opposite in every way but one: the new girl mystique, a rarity in the quiet town of Forks. She was welcomed to our lunch table by Jess, and almost immediately asked about the Cullens. Jess gave her the basic rundown while I tried not to meet their eyes.

The Cullens and I were on better terms now. I sat next to Jasper in Calc now, and he let me discreetly copy his homework whenever I didn't have time to do my own. I didn't feel bad about it. I constantly fought some level of sleep-deprivation, and he was a walking computer with unlimited free time. Alice sought me out whenever she needed a break from her psychic visions, which I dulled due to my 'Protector-entanglement.' She explained that sitting next to me was the closest sensation to mortal sleep, which I found so weird and so profoundly sad that I allowed it whenever she asked, even though Jared complained about the smell.

Another item on the endless list of weirdness: the pack could smell vampires. Paul made a rule that I had to shower twice before hanging out with the pack. Jared's reactions were stronger. He called the Cullens 'leeches' or 'bloodsuckers' and his lip would curl, edging to a snarl. Whenever he could catch a trace of their scent on me, he would stiffen, looking generally frightened. If I asked what was wrong he would tell me.

"I don't like that they can be that close to you," he said quietly once. "It's not safe."

"Nothing's going to happen."

"They're dangerous."

"I know."

"Would it-would it really be so bad if you went to the school in La Push?" Jared had steered away from this topic for a while, most likely because he could sense that I had strong feelings about it.

"No it wouldn't be bad." I sighed. "But I'm not switching schools."

Jared just stared at me for a long time. There wasn't any reason I could give that he would believe and wouldn't offend him. _I would miss my friends. I don't want to upset my mom. I like having two sets of friends. I don't want to spend every waking minute with you._ _My 'friends' wouldn't stay friends if I wasn't in school with them. I care more about my mom's pride than your fears._ All true, and all too painful to say. Too much honesty could drive a wedge between us. 

I did try to minimize my time near the Cullens in an attempt to avoid the subject. One day, when Alice approached me for her semi-weekly dose of almost-sleep, I hesitated based on plans with Jared. Edward came over and explained that the feeling was mutual. The Cullens thought werewolves smelled repulsive too. Edward told me that Jasper liked to sit next to me in math class because the smell spoiled his appetite to the point where his single-minded desire to eat his human classmates was effectively subdued.

I blinked, shocked. "Happy to be of service." From then on, I let Alice sit near me for whatever calm I was worth.

From the beginning, Bella was fascinated by the Cullens. Unlike me, she didn't appear to be the detective type, she seemed more...enamored. It made me anxious. One day, I asked Edward outright if she knew.

"Of course not," he said.

"What's her theory then?" I asked. He admitted that he didn't know. He couldn't hear her thoughts, which was a development for me. I had no concept of how mind reading worked, but I was nervous for the Cullens' sakes.

I shared my concerns with Jared that night.

"What's new with you?" He asked.

"New girl's getting nosy about the Cullens," I said.

"Really?" He asked. Then he chuckled. "Sounds familiar."

A few weeks later, some people were planning another trip to the beach to celebrate the balmy, sixty degree weather we were expecting that weekend. I'd already made morning plans with Jared and his friends but I said I would meet them there. In the end, Jared and friends ended up tagging along. I invited Quil and his friends too.

In some tragically awkward timing, Lauren pointedly asked Bella why no one thought to invite any of the Cullens to the beach party, just as I walked up with the pack. Jared froze, Paul gagged, and Sam said, in all of his irritating, alpha-of-the-pack authority, "the Cullens don't come here." I would have strived for some subtlety, but it was too late now. I looked pointedly at Lauren, with my best I-told-you-people-here-don't-like-them face and she immediately grimaced, looking apologetic. Luckily, most of the Forks kids didn't seem to think anything of it. I chatted with Quil. Embry hung around, and Jess joined in, but Quil's friend Jacob peeled off to talk to Bella. They really hit it off, and a few minutes later, Bella transformed into an expert flirt and had Jacob walking down the beach with her. I must have really misjudged her awkward-shy-innocent persona. This made me nervous, because what had actually revealed the Cullens to me was Quil, repeating what we both thought were fairy-tales straight from the mind of our eccentric great-great grandfather. That was all it took to motivate me to start digging. I bet it would be enough for Bella too.

"What's wrong, Kim?" Quil asked, noticing I was distracted.

I smirked and tipped my head down the beach towards Jacob and Bella. "Looks like your friend's really hit it off with the new girl."

Quil laughed. "Damn Jake!" I wished he would have said it louder.

"Should we stop him?" I asked, eyes wide. "He might regret becoming a father so young." Quil and Embry cackled, which wasn't the response I was hoping for, though I guess I couldn't expect more, since I hadn't made it clear whether I was kidding or not. Eventually I made my way back over to Jared.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I think your treaty's blown, dude."

"What?"

The pack and the Cullens had an ancient treaty. There were a lot of clauses about who could set foot where-the Cullens were banned from La Push of course-but basically, the main clause was that the Cullens were not allowed to harm any humans, and the pack was not allowed to reveal the Cullens' secret vampire status to anyone. This agreement had more or less kept the peace for decades. I'd almost ruined the treaty once with my general nosiness/gossip-monger/detective habits, and Bella was about to ruin it, because she was hot for Edward somehow. Ugh.

I pulled Jared slightly away from the group and whispered my concerns. He shrugged and said there wasn't much we could do. I was a little surprised by his nonchalance, but I wasn't about to make a fuss if the literal Protectors of La Push weren't. I soon found myself studying her whenever I saw her. Like Edward, I longed to know what was going on inside her head.

A few days later, Jess invited me, Angela, and Bella to go dress shopping up in Port Angeles. There was a school dance coming up, and I'd been torn as to whether or not I would go. Mom would be thrilled if I did of course, but Jess, Angela, and Lauren were all bringing dates. Back in Flagstaff, I'd never felt awkward going with a group of friends, but it seemed that no one did that here.

I had a dilemma to sort out. Apparently, unlike the penultimate teen experience of prom, we were not allowed to invite plus-ones from other schools, which to me seemed, one, silly, and two, not actually a huge deal because I couldn't imagine that the security for an event in the school gymnasium would be airtight. Also Jared was impressively coordinated and sneaky, and could probably get in through the roof or something if he wanted to. He'd also spent enough time with my friends now that I didn't think it would be awkward if he was there. The real worry was potential run-ins with the Cullens. I'd asked Jess if the Cullens ever attended school dances and to my surprise, she'd said they were regulars. I wondered what other odd, human activities the Cullens participated in out of immortal boredom.

This was probably a dealbreaker. Jared had _very_ strong reactions whenever the Cullens came up, whatever the context. I couldn't imagine mixing Jared, the Cullens, and a few hundred human, teenage witnesses would go smoothly. 

In a major twist of fate, Bella had turned down Mike, Eric, and Tyler, who were now going with Jess, Angela, and nobody respectively. _Drama!_ Bella had, in my opinion, cleverly evaded her entire line of suitors with an apparently non-negotiable day trip to Seattle that just had to happen on the same day as the dance. I wish I'd thought of that, because to my complete surprise, I also had a suitor.

A senior on the football team, Eli, introduced himself to me, said he'd been watching me for a while now, which is a terrible way to express interest in someone who doesn't know who you are, and in the same sentence asked if I was interested in going to the dance with him.

"I have a boyfriend," I said.

"Really? Not here though right?"

I rolled my eyes. "His name's Jared, he doesn't go here."

"Right so he isn't going with you," Eli said. He must have interpreted my brief silence as an agreement. "Cool, we can go as friends then."

"Are we friends?" I asked. I wasn't trying to be mean, but I was genuinely confused. I'd never met this person before.

"Come on, you don't want to go alone just because you're dating someone at some other school right?"

"Sorry. Nice meeting you though, Eli."

So I sat next to Angela in the backseat of Jess's car, riding to Port Angeles to offer fashion expertise on a dance I decided not to attend. Just like Bella. We shopped for a while and I got really into it, making up shit about warm and cool color palettes, to which Jess and Angela nodded very seriously. Bella more or less spaced out. I don't think she cared much at all about dresses, which I understood. She was probably just accepting the invitation to be polite. I studied her expression, wondering how much she had discovered about the Cullens. She'd been spending some time with Edward. She was clearly into him. I wondered if she was thinking about him now. A few minutes later she peeled off to go to a bookstore. Of course. Jess and Angela were making final calls on their dresses.

Although I wasn't entirely sure why, I was starting to really like Bella. She was just so unapologetically genuine. Of course she would come dress shopping, refuse to fake any interest in the task at hand, then disappear to go read, expressing her blatant preference for books over idle conversation. Iconic.

Later we walked to the restaurant we agreed on. We sat waiting for our table but we were starting to get nervous. Bella was supposed to have met us by now. Angela suggested we look for her so we got up and left. We tried to back track, back towards the bookstore she'd been talking about, but we didn't see her. Eventually we found her, outside the restaurant with Edward Cullen of all people. She was wearing his coat. He asked if it was ok if he grabbed dinner with her, promising to take her home after. Jess said sure, but I was concerned.

_What the fuck, Edward._ I tried to make my thoughts loud and clear, thinking each word. _She's white as a sheet. What'd you do to her? She looks terrified._ He shook his head a tiny bit. I narrowed my eyes at him. _You promise you aren't planning anything...treaty-ending?_ He shook his head subtly.

"Is that what you want Bella?" I asked casually. "We could wait around if you wanted to ride home with us."

"No it's ok," she said. "I'll see you in school tomorrow."

"Ok cool, have fun guys," I said.

The next day Jess grilled Bella about her night with Edward. It sounded like a date. _What's the scoop, Edward?_ I thought, looking at him from across the cafeteria. He met my eyes briefly, then smiled and quietly stood up and left the room. I waited a moment and then left my table too. He was waiting for me in the hallway.

"She knows everything," he said.

"Woah, really?" I asked. "Did you tell her?"

"No," he said. "Apparently, one of your friends in La Push did. And she pieced together the rest."

_Fuck,_ I thought. _Way to go Jacob, you weak little snitch!_

Edward smiled.

"So, what's the current… treaty status? It isn't like, broken, is it?" I asked. "Because if it is, I'd like a little heads up, you know? So I can pack my bags and get out of the danger zone before any shots are fired."

"We'll consider it a lapse in judgement rather than a breach of trust," he said.

"Whew!" I made a show of wiping the sweat from my brow. "That was a close one. But to be fair Bella seduced him, so really it's on her." To my surprise, Edward scowled a bit. "Oh my god, you care!" I lowered my voice to a whisper, shocked. Then I smiled and put my hand over my heart. "You like her!"

"I-yes," he said.

"Ok that's good. It seemed like you were about to start dating and I'm glad she's not like, blackmailing you into it or something. You know, in exchange for her silence."

He actually laughed at this. I don't think I'd seen him laugh before. Love changes people I guess. Edward started to walk away. I guessed my thoughts were starting to bother him. He turned back to look at me and nodded, smiling again. _Have fun with your new boo!_ I thought. _I hope you make each other very happy!_ I pictured cartoon hearts in my mind, wondering if he could see them. This was mostly an attempt to disguise my annoyance that he was so quick to caution me about Jared, but had no concerns about dating Bella. I tried to push the bitterness from my mind but it kept bubbling up again.

I told Jared about it that night after school. We were watching a movie on his laptop but it died halfway through. He sighed and tried to get it to turn back on.

"Hey have you ever heard of a vampire dating a human?" I asked. He stared at me, eyes wide, completely frozen. His mouth opened and closed a few times as if he was trying to say something, but no words came out. I didn't bring it up to get a reaction, but to be honest it was pretty funny. I couldn't help but smile. "Asking for a friend."

"What?"

"You remember that new girl, Bella, who came to the bonfire on the beach a few weeks ago?" I asked. "Remember how she lured Jacob Black off down the beach and I was all like: oh no, he's gonna spill the beans, and wreck that whole treaty thing, and you were all like: eh what can you do?"

He paused for a moment to see if I was finished. "Yes?"

"Well now, Bella knows _exactly_ what they are. And she and Edward are like, basically dating."

"Who's Edward?"

I rolled my eyes. "The one that reads minds."

"Cullen?"

"Yes!"

"Bella Swan is dating a bloodsucker?" His voice was too monotone to sound like a question.

"Yes!" I said. "Oh my gosh, you're slow sometimes. That's why I asked if you'd ever heard of vampires and humans dating."

"Oh, you really were asking for a friend."

I stared at him to try to gauge if he was actually kidding. " _No,_ I was asking for me," I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "Why would I want to date a vampire? I have four boyfriends already and that's almost too many."

"What!?" Jared started laughing in spite of how serious he was a second ago.

"You're my favorite though," I said. "Probably. Definitely top three."

He flopped back on his bed, finally giving up on the laptop. "You are _so weird,"_ he said. I flopped on top of him resting my chin on his chest so I could look at his face. He pet my hair.

Life went on. Edward and Bella were spending more and more time together, and surprisingly, as my bitterness slowly faded, I realized I was happy for them. Their relationship interested me so much, just because it made the Cullens seem so much more human to me. Maybe immortals were no strangers to loneliness. I tried to imagine what it would be like to live that way, with unlimited time, and no sleep to break up their days or mark the passage of time. The Cullens found relief in each other, and now Edward found relief elsewhere. Bella seemed thrilled too. And who was I to judge unconventional relationships?


	8. Lauren's Legendary Ragers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! As you might have guessed from the chapter title, this chapter is about Kim and friends dr!nking and getting up to shenanigans at a p4rty. If that's not your cup of tea, feel free to skip this chapter! It's not really important for the plot, I just thought it would be fun to write. Also sorry that this chapter is short but the next is longer. Thanks for reading!

It was spring break now, for both Forks and La Push. Lauren's parents were out of town, so she kicked the week off with one of her legendary ragers, which, for clarity sake, usually meant keystone light and around twenty people crammed in a dark room. Forks was a small town after all. I invited Jared and the pack, and Quil and his friends. Sam couldn't make it but Paul was 'so down,' and Quil and friends were all excited too.

Both Quil and Jared scowled when I suggested we all drive together, but Quil and friends did not have car access that night and Jared wanted to go over together, so on Friday, we all crammed into my mom's car and drove to Forks. It was awkward on the way over. Quil sulked in the backseat as I drove. I resisted the urge to laugh at him. I usually gave him shotgun, even when I had friends in the car. Jared and I locked eyes in the front seat and smiled. We must have turned poor Quil's world upside-down.

Lauren's house was dark, but we could hear the music from the street. I found Lauren fast and screamed my 'thank-you-for-hosting' over the pounding music. Jacob asked if Bella was there, and when Lauren revealed that Bella did not accept the invite, Jacob parked himself in a corner, eating broken tortilla chips out of the bag for most of the night. Quil chatted with Jess, which was hard to watch because Mike was glued to her side the whole time. Embry started chatting up a blond sophomore. Paul and Jared went for drinks. Later, I helped Lauren set up a beer pong table and we recruited Angela to play against Quil, Paul, and Jared.

"Who picked these teams?" Paul asked, laughing.

"I did," I said. "And you're all about to get _wrecked!"_

They were not. Quil wasn't very good, but apparently werewolves had some (I can only assume) magically enhanced hand-eye coordination and alcohol tolerances. Also Angela couldn't drink because she was driving and I, a true American hero/idiot, volunteered to drink for her. Five games later and I was a goner.

Next thing I remember, I was sitting on the kitchen counter, sloppily making out with Jared. I was so preoccupied by his lips and tongue on mine that I didn't even notice when the music died. Then Jacob, Quil, Embry, and Paul all butted in to tell us they were ready to leave.

"Go ahead," I mumbled, waving them off, "We'll catch up."

Jared pulled away and I sighed so dramatically that he laughed. Then his face grew serious. "Kim you drove everybody." I just blinked at him. Somehow, that important fact had escaped me until then. Shit. I looked from Jared to Paul to Quil to Jacob to Embry and back again. Was I the only one who was drunk? Seriously? I thought at least one of the freshman would get wrecked. I really thought I could count on Quil, but I could tell by his wary expression that he was fully sober. Jared pulled me off the counter.

"Uh oh," I said. I stumbled and nearly fell, but Jared casually lofted my arm so I wouldn't hit the floor, and then scooped me up like I was a sack of flour. My head spun.

Lauren intercepted us by the door. "She's _not_ ok to drive."

"Don't worry, she's not driving," Jared said. "Thanks for having us Lauren. Really appreciate it. Where are your keys, Kim?" I fished them out of my jean pocket with fumbling fingers and they disappeared. I couldn't see who grabbed them.

"I can drive," Jacob said. "I didn't drink anything."

"What? Aren't you like fourteen?" I mumbled.

"No!" Jacob whined. Jared chuckled. We bundled into the back seat. I was mostly on Jared's lap though my legs spilled over onto Quil and Embry who were in the backseat with us.

"Ow easy!" Embry said, as Jacob tried to slide his seat back.

"Oops sorry!" Jacob said.

"Did we really all fit in here?" I asked. "It wasn't this crowded on the way here, was it?"

"Not for you," Quil said. "You had all the space in the world up there in the driver's seat. You didn't have to ride on Jake's lap."

"Yeah it's pretty nice up here," Jake said. Embry kicked his seat. Then we all lurched forward.

"Oops sorry!" Jacob said. "Forgot there was a stop sign there."

"Wait, who's driving?" I asked. "It's so weird, guys, this looks just like my mom's car."

"Oh god, she's so wrecked," Quil said. "We probably shouldn't drop her at home like this. Aunt Laina will flip."

"That's ok, she can stay with me," Jared said.

"Yay sleepover!" I cheered.

"Can I take the car home after?" Jacob said.

"Yeah I can come get it tomorrow," Jared said. "Thanks for driving, man."

I started to get bored by the technical details. I slumped in my seat, which moved, which spooked me a little, until I remembered that my seat was Jared. He wrapped his arms around me. I was very warm.

"Tonight was _crazy_ ," I said. "Sorry I got so drunk, you guys, I'm not sure how that happened."

"Jared and I curb-stomped you and your friends at pong," Paul chimed in from the front seat.

"Impossible," I said. "I'm phenom-nemal at pong. I would never lose."

"Phenom-nemal," someone whispered, laughing.

"Jacob, sorry Bella didn't show," I said. "But, not sure if you know, but if you don't, I should tell you. She's dating someone else. Did you know that?"

"Yeah, we're just friends," Jacob said and someone next to me sneezed. Or snorted? I couldn't tell.

"Also I think maybe parties are not her thing, but maybe, you should start a book club for pensive girls, or something, and she would come to that?" Someone near me was definitely chuckling now. I thought I was making sense, but maybe I wasn't. "Anyways thanks so much for driving Jacob, you're the best, and also I'm sorry I called you fourteen. It's only because you have a very youthful visage, which, by the way is not a bad thing." Quil laughed so loudly that I jumped. "Oh spooky," I mumbled. "But seriously guys, Jacob is like… the spitting image of that little boy in 'Sharkboy and Lavagirl,' don't you guys think?"

"What is she talking about?"

"It's a good movie," I said, "a cinnamon-amatic masterpiece."

No one commented on that.

"You have to be really quiet, ok?" Jared whispered. I frowned. Why would I have to be quiet? Quil was the loud one. But then I looked around, shocked to see that we were outside Jared's house now. I was folded up in his arms again. I didn't even remember getting out of the car. Where was the car?

"Oh my gosh," I said. "Where is the car? Did Jacob steal it?!"

"No Kim, he did _not_ steal the car." Jared's voice was soft, but it sounded like he was struggling to stifle laughter. "He needed to get home."

"Good. That sweet, baby-faced boy is _not_ cut out for Juvie," I said, solemnly.

Jared chuckled and then said, "Kim please be quiet."

"Are we breaking in?" I asked.

"What? No. This is my house, I have a key. But we have to sneak in so we don't wake up my parents."

I leaned closer to his ear, as if I had a secret to share. "I'm not feeling very sneaky," I whispered. "I'm very dizzy. And if I fall down your stairs it would be loud, and not very sneaky at all."

Jared chuckled. "I'll carry you. You just have to stay quiet."

"Ok," I whispered. He didn't have any issues. He managed to hold me with one arm while he opened doors, and didn't make any sounds. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was lying on his bed, the room spinning, while he carefully pulled off my shoes.

When I woke up my mouth felt like sandpaper. Jared was snoring softly behind me. I spotted a glass of water on his bedside table, but he had his arms around me. I tried to reach for it without waking him, but he stopped snoring as I fidgeted.

"How're you feeling?" He asked.

"Thirsty," I whispered. He gently sat me up and handed me the glass of water. I downed it. Then, looking at the empty glass, "oh sorry, I didn't save you any." He laughed.

"That's ok," he said softly.

"Sorry for getting so wrecked last night."

"It's all good," he said. "I probably should have stopped you at some point."

"Not your job," I said, waving him off. "But if we find ourselves in a similar situation again, you have my full consent to start slapping drinks out of my hands."

"Good to know," he chuckled. "I'd like that in writing."

"I'll get right on that," I said. I looked at him. He was staring at me so intently, that I felt a momentary flash of panic.

He frowned. "What?"

"Did we have sex last night?" I whispered.

" _What?_ " He was somehow incredulous and quiet at the same time. "Kim you were like _dead._ " Phew. It was just the normal amount of staring.

"Oh, I see," I sighed, relieved. "So necrophilia isn't your thing, good to know, good to know."

"Jesus Christ," he said, under his breath. "I'm getting some more water." He crept out and back in so fast it was like he hadn't left. "Good news," he said, handing me a full glass. "My parents are out so I can get your car from Jacob now."

"Jacob has my car?" I asked. "Oh. Right."

"I'll be right back," he said.

"Wait what if your parents come back?"

He shrugged. "Keep the door closed," he said. "We'll sneak you out later. But I won't be long."

I lay back down. I was a bit nervous but also my head hurt. The guilt of getting trashed grew and grew as I tried to piece together what happened last night, but I fell asleep again. I woke up to Jared stroking my hair. I sat up.

"Your car's in the driveway," he said. "What do you want to do? Want me to drive you home? Or you can hang out here if you want. If my parents come home we can just say you came over this morning." I looked down at my sequined top. "Yeah that'd be a hard sell," he said. "Also your makeup's kinda…" he waved his hands around his face. I just sighed.

"Yeah I should probably go back," I said. I stood up. "Uh... I'm really sorry."

"Text me when you get home?"

"Will do," I said. I kissed him, slipped out, and drove home.

I'd been hoping to get to the shower before seeing mom, but luck was not in my favor. She was on the couch when I stepped inside. "Hey hon, how was last night?"

"Um it was really good!" I said. "I slept at Lauren's."

"I wish you had called," mom said, eyes narrowing.

"Sorry," I said. "My phone died, and it was kind of a last minute decision." My excuses were lame and I knew it.

"Uh huh," mom said, looking unconvinced and unamused.

"I'm going to go shower," I said.

"Ok sweetie," she said. I was a little concerned, but I snuck a peak at her expression and she was smirking a bit. I thought of Jared's pantomime of the state of my makeup and cringed.

I pulled out my phone but it was actually dead. Of course. I plugged it in.

I stepped into the shower before the water was warm. I needed to wake up. Also I'd hoped that the cold water would wash away some of the embarrassment I was feeling, but sadly it did not.

After a shower that was long enough that I was worried mom would yell, 'I need hot water too!' I texted Jared:

_Made it home safe! Thanks again for everything! Sorry I was so wrecked XX_

Then I texted Lauren: _Hey sorry I was such a mess last night! Any chance I can swing by and help clean? I'm better now I swear!_

I went downstairs and made myself some toast for the meantime. Lauren texted back right away: _Oh tgod ur alive! Yeah if u dont mind! Thx!_

"Hey mom?" I asked. "Do you need the car right away? I said I would go help Lauren clean up."

"Didn't you sleep over at Lauren's?" Mom asked. _Shit._

"Yeah, I just really needed a shower, and to change my clothes and stuff," I said.

Mom sat down across from me, staring me down like a sheriff in an old western movie. "You're a terrible liar Kim." I just stared at her. "I'm glad you've made good friends here," she said, "but I need you to promise me that you are using your best judgement."

"I promise," I said. I put my plate in the sink, swiped the keys from where I'd left them on the table, and went to the car. My skin prickled with guilt the whole way to Lauren's house.

Lauren was pretty understanding.

"Oh my gosh, Kim," she said. "It's _totally_ fine. We've all been there. And you're far from the worst. Mike threw up on my mom's sofa once."

"Oh my god really?" I asked, eyes wide.

"Yeah."

"How'd you clean that?"

"Eh, we did our best," she shrugged. "But we flipped the cushion." She winked at me, then lifted the cushion to show me the stain. I laughed.

We cleaned for a while. She threw out cans and gathered cups. I wiped the counters and floor until they were no longer sticky. "I like your friends," Lauren said. "They're a lot of fun. They're welcome anytime."

"Thanks Lauren!"

"Also I think your cousin has a crush on Jess."

I laughed. "Oh he definitely does. Too bad for him that she's dating Mike."

"You never know," Lauren said.

"What do you mean?"

"Mike's got a pretty _major_ crush on Bella," Lauren said. "That's bound to blow things up eventually."

"Seriously?" I asked. "Why is every boy after her?"

"I know right?" Lauren said. "I don't get it! She's so quiet and _weird._ Why is Edward Cullen interested in her?"

"Oh," I said. "Well that kind of makes sense."

"How so?"

"He's pretty quiet and weird too," I said, smirking.

Lauren laughed. "I guess it does kind of make sense."

"And as for the others…" I shrugged. "Maybe that's what a lot of boys like."

Lauren snorted, then raised an eyebrow. "Not Jared."

I smiled. "Not Jared," I agreed. "Or Matt." I smiled at her, pointedly. They'd been casually dating since they went to homecoming together. I'd noticed them sneaking off for a bit before I got wrecked. She grinned. "Also thank you for not thinking I'm quiet and weird." She laughed.

"Never."

I picked up an empty can and handed her another. She looked confused. I raised my own in a toast. "To being loud, boys be damned!" She laughed and we clinked cans.


	9. The Cliff

"Oh no thanks," I said. "I'm cool here."

"You don't have to do this," Jared said. I glared at him. I could tell by his tone that he was holding back an 'I told you so.'

"You're shaking," Paul said.

"Just from the breeze," I lied. "You wouldn't know how cold it is, because you can't feel temperature." For effect I coughed, "Freak!" He laughed.

Jared told me werewolves didn't get cold; their abnormally fast metabolisms kicked their body temperatures up to about a hundred and ten degrees, and they kicked off enough heat that they could stay warm in any weather. It was barely sixty degrees today and we were all in only bathing suits, but of course I was the only one who could feel cold. I'd just nodded and added that little fact to my mental folder named 'unavoidable supernatural weirdness.'

We were standing at the top of the La Push cliffs, a massive geological feature of sheer rock soaring up over a hundred feet above the water. We were at what the guys referred to as the launch point. It was the most direct path for jumping, though it was advisable to get a running start as there were some rocks that jutted out about sixty feet down, which also served as a more casual, forty foot jump spot for the slightly less insane adrenaline junkies.

Sam had just jumped. It was terrifying watching him fall, but now he was just a speck, treading water from a safe distance, and waiting for the rest of us. I was supposed to go second.

Why had I thought I wanted to do this? I'd finally lived down the embarrassment of Lauren's party to the point where I felt like I could exist in public again. Maybe I was desperate to do something cool? Jumping was something of a right of passage, at least among the teen boys in La Push. The pack were frequent jumpers. Quil and his friends had gone a few times, although Embry only went once. Plenty of girls jumped too, but there wasn't as much peer pressure for them. There'd been almost none for me, as a girl, and barely a La Push girl. I'd wanted to prove something, but standing here, peering over the edge, I'd decided it wasn't worth it.

"Yeah I'm not going," I said. "Have fun though guys."

"Suit yourself," Paul said. Then he literally backflipped off the edge. I stared open mouthed and leaned over the edge just far enough to see him splat on the water.

"Oof," Jared and I groaned at the same time but Paul popped up on the surface, shaking his head and swimming towards Sam.

"I'm going to be honest, it doesn't look that fun," I said.

"Well, try not to land like that," Jared said. "Paul's really sturdy, but you might, you know, die."

I cackled. "Thanks for the very reassuring advice! But seriously, I'm not going. You go ahead though."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm confident I will be able to walk down to the beach," I said, rolling my eyes. Miraculously, I'd stopped shaking as soon as I'd decided not to jump. Maybe the breeze had died down? "But if _you_ die, I'm going to take all of your super comfy sweatshirts."

"Sounds fair," he said. He kissed me, stood up, ran to the edge and lept. I watched him land too. He crossed his arms military style and cut into the water like a knife, bobbing up a few seconds later. He waved and I waved back. Then I walked down to the beach. When I got there, Jared, Paul, and Sam had already set up a cooler and opened some soda cans. How was it fair that they could _swim_ twice as fast as I could walk? Why couldn't I have some kind of weird superpower? I grabbed a coke.

"Can't believe you chickened out," Paul teased. "No, wait, actually I'm not surprised."

I tried to look sincere. "I just didn't think I could top your performance."

"Performance?"

I stood up to imitate his jump, flopping into the sand. I added my own sound effects and ended with a bow. Jared cackled.

"Oh haha." Paul rolled his eyes. We called a truce.

After a long silence Sam spoke up. "So I hear Bella Swan left town." He glanced at me as he said it and I noticed Jared and Paul were also gauging my reaction. I just shrugged. I didn't know that.

"I guess that would explain why she isn't answering her phone," I said. "Angela was pretty worried about it but I kind of figured she was just buried in a book or something." They were still looking at me, and they all looked somber. "What?"

"Apparently Charlie was pretty down about it," Sam said. "He was talking to Billy about it and Jacob overheard. Apparently she said she was tired of living in Forks and was going back to live with her mother in Florida."

"Hm, that is a bit sudden," I said. "She seemed pretty settled here, I mean she's got a top-notch friend group. I know because I'm in it and am one of the reasons it is so top-notch." I thought that might earn me a laugh, but everyone looked serious. "Also she seems pretty content with her... _abnormal..._ not-really-a-boy toy?"

"That's the concerning part," Sam said. "The Cullens have disappeared too."

"Oh that is concerning," I said. "And odd, because Bella doesn't strike me as the eloping type. Although I'll admit, I'm having trouble getting a good read on her."

"You're right. That doesn't seem like her," Sam agreed. "And they left at different times. Bella and half of the Cullens disappeared the night of the party, but the one she's _dating..."_ he paused to gather his thoughts. It seemed like Sam had trouble wrapping his mind around the concept of dating a vampire. "...was in town until yesterday. Now they're all gone." Sam frowned. "Bella, or any of the Cullens, they didn't say anything to you about leaving, did they?"

"No," I said. Then I couldn't help but be sarcastic. "Which is weird because the Cullens and I are all _best_ friends and they tell me _everything_." Jared looked miserable. Sam and Paul were scowling. "Sorry," I said. "I shouldn't be joking right now, I'm just trying to wrap my head around this. So what, do you think she was kidnapped or something?" I asked. No one said anything. "I mean why would she tell Charlie she was leaving town for good if..."

I felt cold panic, and as I looked at Jared, Paul, and Sam, I realized that they'd already gone over all of this, thinking through every angle. They just decided to bring me into the loop last minute in the off chance that I knew something they didn't. "What's going on?" I started shaking again. Jared put his arm around me but it didn't help. I wasn't cold.

"They covered their tracks well," Sam said, solemnly. "We followed a scent trail about a hundred miles south, but it looks like the trail was fake, laid with her clothes, instead of by her. It ended abruptly in the woods. We found some of her clothes in a garbage bag. We didn't find another trail. They probably got her out in a car, and had her uh, boyfriend stay behind for a few days so Charlie wouldn't suspect the Cullens. They won't have any reason to suspect anything until Bella doesn't arrive at her mother's and by then…" Sam trailed off.

"By then what!?" I hadn't realized I was crying until I blinked and felt the tears roll down my cheeks. "What are they going to do with her?"

I almost didn't notice, but Sam looked pointedly at Jared, who gave the barest nod, as if he was giving Sam permission to continue. "We think they may try to...turn her. Make her like them. That would have to be a permanent disappearance, new bloodsuckers don't have the self-control to not kill for the first few decades or so. And it doesn't always work. They often end up killing the person they try to change, but from the looks of it, Bella is participating, at least to an extent-" I put my hands over my ears and closed my eyes. I didn't care what I looked like. I couldn't listen to any more.

I didn't know Bella that well to be honest. She didn't really socialize much, and I don't think I'd ever hung out with her one on one, only with Jess and Angela. But I could tell she was a good person, sweet and a little vulnerable. I honestly don't think she had a bad bone in her body. And no one deserved _that_.

I'd been duped. I'd gotten a kick out of baiting Jared, by casually mentioning the Cullens. I thought the level of vitriol he had for them was unearned, more of a prejudice than an informed opinion. Edward had confided in me about their quest to lead non-violent, ethical lives, and I'd swallowed it up. I'd been _happy_ for Bella and Edward when they started dating. I'd likened their relationship to mine over the supernatural aspects, but I realized then that I had nothing in common with Bella and thank god Jared had nothing in common with Edward. Edward was an actual monster. He'd lured Bella in and was going to take everything from her.

Jared rubbed my back and pulled my hand away from my ear. "Kim, Kim," he said.

"He's stealing her life." My voice sounded hollow, even in my own ears. Jared said nothing. I think he knew that nothing he said would make me feel better.

The rest of spring break was somber. Jared bought me ice cream to try to cheer me up, and I brought the mood right back down by confessing to him that part of why I was so upset was that I hadn't believed them when they talked about how dangerous the Cullens were. I told him I'd thought of them as _high risk_ but not evil. I even admitted that I'd put the pack in the same box. I thought that would make him mad, but he surprised me with sympathy. He just brushed some hair out of my face.

"We weren't kidding, Kim," he said. "They're monsters. We all weren't just trying to get you out of that school because of their...corrupting influence or something. They _are_ dangerous. The farther you are from that the safer you are."

"You chased them over a hundred miles," I said.

"That's different," he said. "That's our job."

"Are you more dangerous than them?" I asked.

"To them," he said. "Not to you."

"Well that's not really what I meant," I said. "What I meant was, thank you."

"What for?"

"For caring," I said. "About Bella. And not saying something like she brought this on herself."

"I would never say that," Jared said, instantly serious. "He's the predator. This is on him."

I nodded. I pictured Edward, and his smug, confident smile. I felt a more physical anger than I'd ever felt before. I imagined what it would feel like, to have such intense anger that could bubble up inside you that you literally exploded into a different shape. I could almost imagine what that would feel like.

School that week was tough. News of Bella's disappearance had spread fast in a small town. Her father, the police chief was totally withdrawn, snapping at the slightest provocation, and handing out speeding tickets for little reason. Our lunch table wasn't at all somber, it was ripe with gossip. Lauren, who had been vocal to me about her distaste for Bella shared lots of disdain and theories. I felt queasy listening to her one day and spent the rest of the lunch hour in the bathroom, trying to stay quiet when I wanted to scream. Then, the next Monday, everything changed all at once.

Bella showed up to school in a wheelchair. She was broken head to toe, her left leg in a full cast, and bruises and bandages covering nearly every inch of her body. And Edward Cullen himself was pushing her wheelchair.

My heart sped as I stared at him from across the parking lot. For the first time, I was legitimately afraid of him. I pictured him, slowly breaking her body. Regardless of the intention, Bella was hurt beyond measure. Edward looked up, met my eyes, and slowly shook his head. I froze. He looked like he was in pain, and I had no idea why. Then he turned and wheeled Bella into the building.

I texted Jared: _Bella's back._

He texted right away: _Really?_

I texted: _He beat her really bad._

Jared: _Shit._

Me: _She's in a wheelchair._

Me: _Why would he do that to her?_

I didn't wait for a response. I couldn't focus on anything. My morning classes went by in a haze. At lunch I watched as Edward and Alice wheeled Bella over to our lunch table and Edward asked: "May we join you?"

Mike and Tyler slid over to make room for them. I was too stunned to speak.

"What happened, Bella?" Jess asked. I could tell she was nervous asking.

Bella didn't say anything. Edward smiled sadly in the perfect performance of sympathy. "She had a little spill," Edward said.

Alice snorted. "She fell down three flights of stairs and out a window. It counts as a big spill." Bella blushed, her skin turning scarlet in the few patches between all the black and blue. I gaped at them. Their banter was so well-rehearsed. Edward's head snapped up. _Shit._ I ducked my head. I'd forgotten about the mind reading. I felt my heart race. _What was I doing here?_ I couldn't bear to sit there, but I was too afraid to move.

Angela elbowed me. "You ok?" she whispered.

"I don't feel so good," I whispered back.

"Come on," she said. She guided me to the bathroom. I felt his eyes on me the whole way. "Are you ok?" Angela asked again.

"I just-" my heart was pounding.

"Odd," Angela said. "Isn't it?" My head snapped up and I studied her expression. Her eyes were pinched with concern. "That they disappear together and she comes back like that?"

"I-" I wanted to nod. I was relieved that someone else had realized how suspicious it looked. But then I thought about Edward, who was immortal, untouchable, and a mind reader, and I had a sudden conflicting urge to say, _actually I think I saw Edward around town after Bella left?_ I felt like I needed to say this, that if I didn't he would come after me. "I-I don't know," I stuttered instead. I looked at my phone. Six unread texts from Jared.

Jared: _How bad is it?_

Jared: _What kind of injuries?_

Jared: _Want to play hookie today? I'll skip with you._

Jared: _Kim I think you should get out of there._

Jared: _Can you please text me? Just let me know you are ok? This is killing me._

Jared: _Kim I'm coming over to that school if you don't text me._

Me: _I'm ok just freaked out._

Me: _Can I come over after school?_

Jared: _Yes. Pls._

Jared: _You sure you ok?_

I typed _yes_ even though I wasn't.

The rest of the day was just as bad. I was shaking in BC Calc, sitting next to Jasper Cullen. He slipped me a note that said, _Everything is ok._ I felt a sudden wave of relief that I couldn't explain. I was baffled.

Jared threw his arms around me basically as soon as I knocked and bundled me inside. He told me his parents were out. I burst into tears.

"Kim," he said. "Kim, Kim. Shhh, it's going to be ok."

"I don't want to go back there," I whispered.

"You don't have to," he said. "We'll figure something out. We'll have the council talk to your mom."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't focus on anything but the images in my head.

Later that night I stewed in those images. What I'd seen and what I hadn't. I had a habit of trying to fit all the pieces of what I'd seen together, and tying to fill in the gaps. But I couldn't make the pieces fit. And I was up all night trying to piece together the evidence of violence with the way that Edward had looked at me, sad and solemn and scared all at once, his face laid out like an apology that wasn't written for me.

I had a text from Jared when I woke up. _Fake sick today. We'll get your mom to talk to the council tonight._

I stared at those words until the screen of my phone went black, then I turned it back on and typed, _I changed my mind. Something's not adding up. I have to figure this out. I'll be ok. Sorry._ Then I dropped my phone in my bag, got dressed, climbed into the car with mom, and went to school like it was any other day. The Cullens wouldn't strike in public. That school was full of witnesses, and if I wanted answers I was going to have to get them myself.

During my morning classes, I was entirely focused, but not on the lectures. _Edward,_ I thought, _I know you can hear me. I need answers. If you didn't hurt Bella then I need to hear it from you. Meet me in the hall outside the cafeteria before lunch._ I thought this over and over again. Different versions but all with the same message and sentiment. _I don't trust you. If this was you, I'll never forgive you._

He didn't wait for lunch. After third period, he found me in the hall, and waved me into an empty classroom. My heart pounded at the prospect of being alone in a room with him, but I'd come too far to turn back. I followed him inside. He closed the door.

"I'm meeting with you now because we're leaving early today," Edward said. "Alice can't see anything past fourth period, meaning your boyfriend and possibly his... _pack_ are coming to school to investigate. You should probably check your phone."

I flinched. Oops.

"I'm not the one who hurt Bella," he said. "Though that doesn't entirely excuse me from fault. I-" his face crumpled. "I _failed_ to protect her. From someone terrible. We call them trackers. They're the worst of our kind. They kill for sport. My whole family worked together to try to protect her. Rosalie and Esme laid a false trail, Jasper and Alice snuck her out, and Carlisle, Emmett, and I tried to track him down, but he outsmarted us anyway. He got to her, nearly killed her, and I was almost too late to stop him, but I did, just in time."

I stared at him open mouthed. He wasn't lying. I could tell. It was the pain in his voice. I tried to form a question, but he pieced it together from my thoughts before I could form the words.

"I promise," he said. And then he spun out of the room. I fumbled for my phone and when I opened it, I had another explosion of texts from Jared.

_I'm fine,_ I texted before bothering to read them. _I needed answers and now I have them. Edward didn't hurt her, I think it was a misunderstanding._

Jared texted, _ru serious._

I texted: _He said you're coming to Forks HS, please don't make a scene. Everything is ok._

Jared: _What._

Me: _Alice can see the future, I guess she saw a plan in motion?_

It took him a while to respond. The phone lit up. He was calling. I was about to answer it, but Mr. Varner walked into the room.

"No phones out during school hours," he said. "You know the rules."

I slipped it into my pocket. "That wasn't a phone, it's my birth control." His face turned brick red and I walked out of the room, baffled. It looked nothing like birth control, but nothing terrified male teachers more than the female body. I walked towards the building exit. I knew I needed to call Jared back. He was freaking out.

"Kim." I sighed. It was Ms. Mathews, and it was her class that I was running late for. She was hustling in from her smoke break. "Where are you headed?"

"Is it ok if I grab something from my car real fast?"

"Doesn't your mom drive you?"

I mentally cursed small town life. "Not today," I hedged, but in truth she had, so I had no car to pretend to go to.

"Can it wait?" Ms. Mathews asked. "We're both going to be late."

I stifled a groan and walked to class with her. Five minutes into class while she was writing on the board, I slipped out my phone again. I tried to text Jared under my desk. I wasn't even bothering to read texts at this point; there were too many.

Me: _I can't talk now, but I'll come over after school..._

"Is that a phone, Kim?" I tried to slip it into my pocket. "No you don't," Ms. Mathews said. "Give it to me." I handed it to her, swallowing panic, as she tossed it into her desk drawer. "You can get it back from me at the end of the day," she said.

I swear the adults were all conspiring against me. I hadn't even sent that one text. Jared was going to be _pissed._ I just hoped that he and the pack would have the sense to stay away.

Twenty minutes later the fire alarm rang. I thumped my head on the desk.

I started to sweat as I followed the stream of people outside. We milled around in a crowd outside while teachers struggled to maintain order and take roll. I stood on my toes, looking through the faces. I didn't see Bella or any of the Cullens. I guess they took off after all. I checked in with Ms. Mathews while scanning the tree line for Jared, wondering what exactly his plan was. Did he expect me to sneak off?

I sighed, annoyed. I couldn't believe he pulled the fire alarm. Or started a fire. No, he wouldn't do that. At first I thought he wouldn't approach the crowd. There were too many people watching. He'd probably wait until it was over. I heard sirens and two fire trucks pulled up to the front. I was caught up watching when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"C'mon," Jared said. He grabbed my hand and pulled me through the milling crowd. I couldn't believe it. He was playing it off like he was a student and no one noticed. He held me back for a moment, eyes scanning the crowd, and then he said, "ok now," and we slipped behind the back of the building out of sight. And I couldn't even send a text in class without getting caught. So unfair.

He was walking fast, putting distance between us and the school. I had to jog to keep up.

"I told you, you didn't have to come," I said. He stopped walking so suddenly, I nearly crashed into him.

"You didn't answer my calls," he said, his voice soft.

"My phone was confiscated," I said.

"They can do that?" he asked. He looked genuinely surprised.

"It's high school, they can do whatever they want." We walked in silence for a moment. "I can't believe you pulled the fire alarm."

"Technically Paul did."

"They're here?" I asked.

"A little ways ahead now." _Great._ "I'm sorry," he said, running his left hand through his hair. "I just- you're scaring me Kim."

"It's ok," I said. "I _was_ scared too, but it's ok now."

"No Kim, it's not."

"What do you mean?" I asked. I tried to peek at his expression, but for once he wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Because you _should_ be scared, _Kim_." His voice broke, right on my name. He swallowed. "The fact that you aren't scared is what's not ok. They're _dangerous._ And I just don't understand why you're so determined to see otherwise."

My mouth fell open. "I'm not _determined_ to see anything! At first I thought you were totally right. And then I saw Bella and I thought that confirmed it all, and I was so angry. But it didn't add up, Edward looked real torn up. And he was. He told me. He said someone was after Bella, and he was trying to protect her, but the guy slipped by him-"

"Can you even hear yourself!?" Jared stared at me now, incredulous. "You seriously believe that!? You seriously believe what he told you?"

"Well I don't know," I said. I'd been so sure, but I was fumbling now. "It would explain it, and he looked really torn up-"

" _He_ did that to her," Jared said. "Not some mystery monster, ok? _Him._ He tried something and almost killed her. Maybe it was an accident and that's why he looks _torn up._ And now he's manipulating you, and if you hadn't fallen for his _bullshit_ he would have _killed_ you! Do you understand?"

I didn't. I couldn't understand anything. I couldn't think.

"What happened, Kim?" He hissed. "What changed? You were _so_ afraid. You _told_ me you were afraid, and then you go and-meet up with that _leech_ to ask him for his side of the story? Are you serious!?" He was so mad. "What?"

I realized I had taken a step back. "You're shaking," I whispered. He was trembling from head to toe. I took another, automatic step back. My mouth felt dry.

"No Kim," he said. He shuddered, his body falling still. "Kim it's ok. I'm ok." His voice was soft, pleading. He reached out to me, his expression suddenly pained. "It's ok."

I turned around, numb, and started walking back towards the school. Jared grabbed my arm and started towing me away. I gasped.

"Let me go!"

"It's not safe for you here," he muttered, so softly it seemed like he was talking to himself instead of me. "Let's get you out of here."

"Let me go!" I gasped. "They're not even here anymore, I want to go! Let me go!"

"Kim. Sh. Kim. Kim. It's ok." He had both arms around me now. I was struggling and he was trying to calm me down. I wouldn't stop fighting.

"Let me go!" I screamed.

His arms finally loosened and I pushed him off of me. I turned and stumbled back towards the school, reeling, blood pounding in my ears.

"Kim!" Jared called. I could barely hear his voice over the ringing in my ears. "Kim, please stop!"

I didn't even turn around. He was only feet away but it felt like we were walking in different dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the little cliffhanger! (Pun intended). Feel free to vent about it in the comments ;) If three people comment on this chapter, I'll type extra fast and put the next chapter up early. If not, tune back in next Sunday! School is starting up for me tomorrow, but I'll try to keep posting at least once a week. Hope everyone is doing ok!


	10. P-R-O-M-?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There's a brief description of a panic attack in this chapter.

I looked down at the wrinkled, neon orange slips of paper in my hand. "Forks High Prom" was typed in bold in the center of each slip, and right beneath it "one ticket" in a smaller font. Eli, the senior on the football team who had clumsily asked me to homecoming, stepped up his game with cupcakes that spelled "P-R-O-M-?" and since I had trouble turning down food, and was desperate for an ounce of normalcy, I'd agreed to go with him.

This had generated quite a bit of gossip, as unbeknownst to me, Eli was widely viewed as the hottest guy in school, at least among the humans, which might have bothered me or excited me under different circumstances. We'd hung out maybe twice at school since then, to which Lauren had said, _he's hot, I so approve_ , and Jess had said, _what happened? Did spooky Jared get spooky again?_ I had just shrugged and rolled my eyes to both of them.

Truthfully, I was zero percent interested in rando-Eli, who was admittedly hot but almost painfully dumb, but I had no motivation to stop it. Or to do anything. Every morning I ignored shorter and shorter strings of worried and apologetic texts from Jared, and floated through school as if I was dreaming. It felt like I was only reading the story of my life instead of writing it.

After I left Jared in the parking lot that day, I had a panic attack in the school bathroom. I'd never had one before, but suddenly I was so fixated on all of the people who'd entered my life since I'd moved here, who all had some form of formidable powers and vested interest in my life, positive or negative, while I had nothing within my power to stop them. The thoughts rolled into my mind like an oncoming storm, pushing out the illusion of control I'd so carefully maintained. And then I was hyperventilating, and it was so bad that I thought I was dying, and I almost wished I would die. And then it was over, leaving me weak and tired, but so relieved. I was sent home.

That afternoon Jared came by to check on me. He found me upstairs, hiding under a pile of blankets. I didn't even look at him. I yelled at him to leave. Eventually he did.

Mom asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't know. She asked if she should find me a therapist. I told her no. That night she got a phone call from the La Push Council, asking if I would reconsider switching schools. Mom asked me if I wanted to. I told her I would think about it.

I don't know who found me, but word travelled fast. Ms. Mathews apologized to me for taking my phone when she gave it back the next day, for adding to my stress. I told Jess, Angela, and Lauren that I'd had a moment. They said they understood which I appreciated, even if they really didn't. Edward approached me again. He told me again that he didn't hurt Bella. I told him I didn't want to think about it. He told me that I was safe in Forks, that I could go to school wherever I wanted, and he and his family would never hurt me. I said nothing. He gave me his phone number and told me to call if things got bad.

Then things quieted. Everyone forgot about my episode. I hadn't responded to Jared's texts, and eventually I stopped reading them entirely. I tried to forget everything I knew about the town. Everything about the Cullens, and about the pack. The last few weeks had been quiet. Bleak, but normal.

Now, I sat on my bed in a dress I'd borrowed from Angela, hair curled and makeup done, staring at the text exchange I'd had moments ago with Eli.

Me: _You still good to pick me up at 8?_

Eli: _sry somehing came up._

Me: _?_

Me: _You serious?_

Eli: _sry._

I couldn't believe it. I'd been desperate for a distraction, to go and do something normal. Even to pretend something seemed normal. But the truth was, I was dreading tonight as the thought of being stuck with Eli even for one night of small talk sounded like a miserable ordeal. I'd only wanted to stand next to someone for pictures. I wanted this only for other people, so that I could have evidence that I was a normal person, who did normal things. But I knew that if I had gone with him, whenever I looked at the pictures, they would only feel abnormal, because I would see a picture of myself, pretending to smile, standing next to a random boy when I was in love with someone else.

I looked at my phone, then at the wrinkled tickets in my hand, then back at my phone. After a minute of deliberating, I sent a text.

Me: _You aren't planning on going to prom by any chance are you?_

The response seemed to come even before I sent the question. Damn he typed fast.

Edward: _As a matter of fact we were all planning on going. Prom is an important part of the high school experience. Although now Alice is wondering why the entire evening disappeared from her sight just a moment ago. Would you care to shed some light on that?_

I froze. Alice had some blindspots, and her most major blindspot was any involvement with werewolves. Which meant that I was going to ask Jared, and that Jared was going to say yes.

Me: _Would it be terrible if I invited Jared? My other date bailed._

Again, Edward's response came instantly: _Trust me that was a blessing. I don't usually reveal people's thoughts because I view it as an invasion of their privacy, but you should know that Eli is a terrible person with a terrible mind, and I wouldn't advise spending any evening with him, let alone prom. You are more than welcome to invite Jared. I've already spoken to my family. We will be there but we will give you as much space as possible._

I looked at my phone stunned, both because somehow in the last three seconds he had managed to talk it over with his entire family, and that Eli sucked so much that I got the vampire coven's blessing to invite one of their mortal foes to spend a night in the same gymnasium as them. Incredible. I looked back at my phone.

Me: _Hey. I'm really sorry for avoiding your texts. I wasn't mad, just overwhelmed. I'm so sorry._

I sent the text and watched my phone for a solid minute, heart pounding. I almost put the phone down, but then the screen lit up.

Jared: _Are you ok? I'm sorry for scaring you._

Me: _No no it's not your fault! I'm sorry for acting the way I did._

Jared: _Can I come over?_

Me: _Yes._

Then I looked down at my elaborate, borrowed dress and frowned.

Me: _Actually I should probably warn you that I'm in a prom dress?_

Jared: _Ur going to prom?_

Me: _No...I was going but my date bailed._

There was a pause.

Jared: _Sorry._

Me: _Don't be. He was as dumb as a stick. And also apparently a bad person. So it was a fortunate turn of events._

I bit my lip, still torn.

Me: _Would you want to go with me? No pressure if you don't want to. I know it's weirdly sudden._

Jared: _I just need to find a suit._

Jess and Angela were blowing up my phone. I was supposed to meet them before, but I didn't care. I just texted them, _sry, all good, see you at school,_ and gave them no details. But I was starting to think about what it would look like when I showed up with Jared, as if I'd just pulled a sub off the bench. To be honest I didn't care what Jess, Angela, Lauren, or really anyone at school thought, but now my stomach was in knots because I really didn't want Jared to think that. I panicked, starting to think this was a bad idea, that Jared would be disgusted and see me as shallow, and that it was terrible and selfish for me to put him through that on top of everything else I'd already put him through. The anxiety edged towards panic, but before I was pulled under, I heard a knock on the door, and undid the deadbolt with fumbling hands.

The first thing I noticed after a small cascade of emotion at seeing him after so long, was that he looked really tired. The shadows under his eyes looked almost like bruises. He looked thinner. It was hard to tell how much thinner since his borrowed suit was a few sizes too big, but his cheekbones stuck out. He held out a tiny, corsage-sized bundle of wildflowers and smiled, faintly. I tentatively took the flowers, and then, failing to find words, wrapped my arms around him and hid my face in his chest. He hugged me back.

"It's good to see you," he said. "You look nice." I still couldn't speak.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to his chest.

He rubbed my shoulder. "You don't have to be sorry," he said. "I was scaring you. I shouldn't have done that." I shook my head. "No, I mean it. All that was too much for you. It probably would've been too much for a lot of people. We don't have to talk about any of that anymore, ok? I'll keep all that stuff separate." He leaned back to peak at my face. "Wait why are you smiling?"

"Nothing." I felt ridiculous, giggling as I wiped tears from my eyes. "You just sound like some 50's era husband apologizing for bringing up work at home." He smirked.

I pulled out of the hug even though I didn't really want it to end. "So are we doing this?" he asked.

"Only if you want to," I said. "After I texted you, I realized it was a pretty shitty ask after not talking to you for almost a month."

"No, we should go. It'll be fun." He offered his arm and I took it.

"No!" We both jumped when mom shouted from inside. She appeared in the doorway. "Pictures!" She squinted at Jared. Weeks ago, she'd cautiously asked if I was taking Jared to prom, and I'd told her I was bringing 'some gringo.' I hadn't told her about my sudden change of plans.

I looked at Jared. "Run!" Then made a show of running to his dad's car, in tiny little steps, limited by platform heels and a very tight, long skirt. Jared laughed. "Just kidding!"

By the time mom had finished taking her few hundred pictures, we were pretty late. Jared drove slow, but it didn't bother me in the slightest. I didn't even care if we made it to the school. Which reminded me...

"Hey Jared?"

"Yeah?"

"I know that you just instated a very strict 'don't bring work home' policy, but I'm going to break it to give you a _quick_ heads up that," I took a deep breath, "all of the Cullens will be there. _But_ we have their blessing, and also they promised to give us space." Jared smiled and snorted, but didn't say anything. "Whew. That's a relief, I honestly thought you wouldn't take that so well."

"Wait. You're serious?"

_Uh oh._ "Yeah," I said. "I was pretty surprised too actually, mostly because I really didn't think prom would be their _scene,_ you know?"

"Please tell me you're joking," he groaned.

I sighed. "I wish I was, dude. We really don't have to go if you don't want to. I meant to mention this sooner, but I got so distracted by like, seeing you…" I trialed off, holding my breath, trying to read his reaction.

"What do you mean we have their blessing?" He asked.

"Oh my gosh it's _so_ weird, just listen to this." I read him the whole text exchange I'd had with Edward. "Crazy right?"

"Who the fuck is Eli?!"

_Oops._ "Just one of my other boyfriends," I said.

"One of?!"

"Sorry, it is too soon for jokes, isn't it?" I sighed. "Did I mention my date bailed? People act like he's like... the crowned jewel of Forks High since he's the only solid nine at the school who isn't also a creepy, undead vampire, and he's like good at a...sport or something. But he makes up for his looks and sport-skills with his complete lack of a brain and apparently, a terrible personality, so, _really_ dodged a bullet there."

"I can't tell when you're joking," he groaned, shaking his head.

"I know," I said. "I really wish I was joking, but unfortunately all of that was true. Except for the part where I said he was one of my boyfriends. That was a total lie. I only date 10s."

"Oh my god," Jared muttered to himself.

"We don't have to go." I was feeling more and more ridiculous for asking. "We can do something else if you want?"

"Dressed like this?" he asked, gesturing to his borrowed suit. "We should go."

So we went. And it was fun. The Cullens kept to their side of the room, dancing a little too well. They looked like dolls inside jewelry boxes, the way they twirled. Beautiful and eerie. Bella, still in a cast, twirled with Edward, though it looked like he was doing the bulk of the work. Jess and Mike eventually came over and filled me in on the latest gossip.

"What did Eli tell you?" Jess whispered to me. Jared made awkward small talk with Mike, and could probably hear what we were saying, but Jess didn't know that.

"Nothing," I said. "He just said he couldn't make it. Why?"

"Apparently he got wasted at that pregame Matt Brown was hosting and like, couldn't stop puking," she said.

I snorted. "That does sound like him."

"Aren't you mad?" Jess said. "I mean he bailed like what, two hours ago?"

"Honestly I'm relieved," I said, "I was kind of dreading going with him."

"Uh huh?" Jess looked skeptical. She leaned in and lowered her voice even more. "So what happened with Jared, are you guys like, back together?"

I glanced at Jared. Mike rocked up on his toes for a moment, as if he was trying to look taller. Jared just smiled down at him.

I lowered my voice too. "We never broke up or anything, I just...needed a breather."

Jess looked at me as if I was a puzzle she was trying to put together. Then her look softened and she said, "take care of yourself first, ok? Boys come second." I nodded, a little surprised and very touched. "Well you guys have fun!" She towed Mike away.

"Do you want to dance?" I asked. We'd gotten here so late they were already playing slow songs. Jared nodded. We swayed to a few songs. During the first song I could feel his eyes on me, but by the second, I was meeting them. And then I couldn't look away. For a moment, it felt like the whole room was melting away, leaving only us.

I heard a little shriek. "Kim!" It was Lauren. I smiled and waved but didn't let go of Jared. She came over anyway, closely followed by her date and famous pregame host, Matt Brown. They both stumbled on the way over. "Oh my god, Kim, Eli got _wrecked."_

"Yeah sorry 'bout that," Matt slurred. "Holy shit." He gawked at Jared. "You had a backup!"

"I'm right here!" Jared gasped, though not really loud enough for Matt or Lauren to hear.

"Kim works fast," Lauren said. "She is absolutely… iconic! Here," Lauren produced a flask. "Have some."

"I'm all set," I said. "Thanks though."

"You sure?" She asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I want to remember all of this."

"Suit yourself." She was gone.

We danced again, and again I got a little lost in Jared's eyes until something distracted me.

"What?" Jared asked. He turned to look.

"Jacob Black's here," I said, shocked. He seemed nervous, hunched over and walking in alone, right over to Bella and Edward. Edward scowled. He glanced at me for a moment, and I shrugged at him, but as he looked away, it occurred to me that he might have been looking at Jared.

"It's ok," Jared said. He rubbed my back. "He's just here to deliver a message. That's all."

I frowned at him. "What message?!"

Jared fidgeted. "Um...work stuff."

Jesus, that was going to get old fast. I'd thought Jacob was here to mortally embarrass himself by confessing his love to Bella while she was at _prom_ with her _boyfriend._ But Jacob was here on someone's agenda, and the pack was involved. I had a flash of suspicion that Jared might have planned this, knowing they wouldn't have seen it coming and acting accordingly, but that theory dissolved. Jared hadn't known I would invite him. I watched, frozen in shock, as Edward stepped aside and Jacob and Bella began to dance together. It only lasted a moment. Jacob looked uncomfortable. Bella smiled and rolled her eyes. Then Jacob was gone and Bella and Edward were twirling again as if nothing had happened.

I studied Jared's reaction but he didn't seem to have one. I thought about it for a few minutes, puzzling over what that message could be about, and why Jared felt like he couldn't tell me, but as the night wore on I thought about it less and less, and then nearly forgot that it had happened at all.

The ride home was quiet. I was exhausted at this point and Jared had looked tired from the beginning. Part of me felt like I should fill the silence, but I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I think I did nod off for a moment, because I didn't remember when we pulled into my driveway, but I jolted back to awareness as the car rolled to a stop.

"Kim, I-I had a good time tonight." He avoided my eyes, playing with a button on his sleeve. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Yeah," I said. "I'm so glad you came. I had a really great time." Jared bit his lip. I froze, mentally scrambling for the right thing to say.

"Can we meet up again soon?" He asked, eyes still on his hands. "I-you can say no. I mean, it's ok if you still need space, but, I miss you." His voice broke at the end, and the sound made my throat feel tight.

"Yeah," I said. "Yeah. I miss you too. I'm so sorry. I-I don't want space. I don't know what I need, but it definitely isn't that. Are… are you free tomorrow?"

His face crumpled and then he immediately hid in his hands. He was shaking a bit. My eyes burned as I rubbed his shoulder; I was aching from guilt. "I won't go away again," I said. "I promise."

Jared finally pulled his hands from his face. "Tomorrow?" He asked.

"Yeah," I said. "If you're free? Maybe in the afternoon though, you look like you could do with like... fifteen hours of sleep."

"Ok, tomorrow afternoon." He nodded.

I looked him in the eyes and then I kissed him. I'd meant for it to be a quick kiss, but I kept moving my lips on his, as if drawing it out for longer would show him that I meant it. "See you tomorrow," I said. "Drive safe, ok?"

He waited until I was inside the house before driving away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry school is already crazy! I will try to keep updating once a week, but they might start coming at random days, whenever I stumble upon a few minutes of free time :) Thanks for reading and I hope everyone is staying safe! 


	11. Best Summer Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up guys, there are some s3xy times in this chapter! (nothing too graphic though!) So get excited or... avert your innocent eyes? Whatever floats your boat, no judgement either way ;)

Jared looked better the next day, but now that he wasn't in a borrowed suit, it was clear that he had lost a good deal of weight. Otherwise, he looked noticeably less worn. It was amazing what a night of sleep could do. We went to the beach, nothing fancy, but it felt surreal to hold his hand now after not seeing him for so long. Jared seemed nervous at first. We were both quiet. I still felt terrible, and Jared looked on edge, but then we started talking about nothing in particular. We caught each other up on what we had each missed. We made a long, overly specific, and increasingly ridiculous lists of summer plans. Then we started throwing rocks.

Jared, of course, casually lobbed one halfway to the horizon. I squinted, trying to see where it landed.

"I can top that," I said. Jared smirked. I did an elaborate wind up, chucked the rock as hard as I could, but didn't get the angle quite right. It barely cleared the shore.

"Hm, too close to call," Jared joked, dryly.

"No, I was going for style points," I clarified.

He laughed. "Ok, I forfeit then."

We were coming up on our favorite fallen tree. We sat down, looking out on the water, late afternoon sun on our faces. It felt nice.

"You look rough, dude," I said, softly. I hadn't wanted to bring up but I felt like I needed to.

"I know," he said.

"Are you ok?"

"A lot better now."

"I'm sorry," I said. I didn't know if I could ever say it enough.

"I know."

"Jared you-" I paused. I wasn't sure how to say it without being harsh, but he needed to hear it. "I can take care of myself. Really. I have a lot of people looking out for me. Like my mom and…" I trailed off, but tried to refocus. "You don't have to worry about me, even if I'm not responding. I'm ok. I can take care of myself. And I need to know that you can do the same."

I looked at him. He looked scared, sad, maybe a little angry. He didn't say anything. I took a deep breath and plowed on. "Jared I need to know that you'll take care of yourself. Whether I'm around or not."

"Are you breaking up with me?" He asked. His voice sounded like he was being strangled.

"What?" I gasped. "No!" I reached out and grabbed his hand. "No."

He sighed. "Are you leaving? Are you going to stop answering your phone again?"

"No," I said, firm. "Jared, I'm not going anywhere. And you'll be seeing plenty of me because we've got a _very_ busy summer planned." I smiled as I ran through the list we'd been compiling. "We have to jump off the cliffs, which by the way will take _weeks_ of buildup for me. We have to eat everything at Gracie's diner, which yes, you could probably manage in one sitting, but I will need at least four or five trips. We have to sneak into that weird biker bar in Forks, which will take some planning. So much to do." He was calming down, I could tell. "But I need to know that you'll be ok, regardless," I said. "You can't just leave me wondering whether you'll stop eating and sleeping if I ever need space. That's not love, that's emotional blackmail and it's not fair." He flinched. "Promise me."

I held my breath while I waited for him to answer. "I promise."

"Thank you," I whispered. We watched the waves for a while in silence, holding hands and savoring closeness.

"To the greatest summer ever," I said, lifting an imaginary champagne glass. Jared smiled and mirrored me, and said _ting!_ when our fingers touched.

It was the greatest summer ever. For a few weeks, we dutifully went through our rambling checklist. We even went to the cliffs a few times. The first few times we only swam, but a few tries later, I managed to jump off the forty foot ledge. Jared high-fived me, then we tried to kiss while treading water, during which I inhaled some sea water and then coughed it right onto his face. Sexy.

We had a bonfire. I hung out with Angela, Jess, and Lauren. I rarely saw Bella. She spent all her time with Edward and Alice and wasn't very mobile. I spent time with Quil. Lauren had another party and I managed not to get wrecked. Eli was there. He came up to talk to me. To my surprise, he made no mention of failing to make it to prom, then proceeded to flirt with me while Jared was standing right next to me. In response, I introduced him to my boyfriend. I watched as Eli went from fake nice, to sulking in a corner, to so drunk that Matt had to drive him home. I worried that Jared would be upset, but he found the whole event to be hysterical.

He chuckled as we drove home. "Eli," Jared said, in a voice I felt was too shrill and nasally to match my own. "Have you met Jared, my _boyfriend_?"

I laughed. "Why do I sound like a Kardashian?!"

"It's just your voice, babe."

"Hey!" I pounded his shoulder.

Then, by some miracle, I landed a research internship at the University of Puget Sound. Mom was so proud it was embarrassing. _My little Kim is going places!_ She would announce to anyone within earshot. Plus it was a paid internship. Score!

At first, Jared did a pretty mediocre job at pretending to be happy for me. I told him about the lab, and he made it clear that he didn't really understand, and wasn't really that interested anyway, which pissed me off, though I didn't really think it was worth fighting about. He came around in a few days though. The school was a little far, but the hours were fairly flexible. Plus it made Jared feel less guilty about his now annoyingly top secret supernatural vigilante work. Score.

I spent time with the pack that summer too, but they treated me differently, as if they had just discovered that I was delicate. It was as if they were censoring themselves. I caught both Paul and Sam on multiple occasions glancing at Jared as if asking for permission to say something. I went from being almost one of the guys to being Jared's sensitive girlfriend. It was infuriating and a little sad. I missed the banter, especially messing with Paul.

I'd thought that Jared's 'don't talk about work' plan would blow over, but as the months wore on, it seemed like it was here to stay. I didn't see how keeping secrets and communicating less could possibly be a valid strategy, but I knew I had to give it time. He did think that the last time he pulled me too far into his world caused me to stop talking to him for almost a month, so I couldn't really blame him. I knew this would pass.

In addition to pushing through our ridiculous summer bucket list, Jared and I had sex for the first time. One weekend when mom was out of town, I invited him over and planned out all the details of our evening. I snuck a handful of free condoms from the University health center after work, shopped for ingredients for dinner and dessert, and bought a basket full of dollar store candles.

Before Jared had even arrived, I managed to burn dinner and dessert, which was supposed to be lasagna and brownies, each straight from the box, because I was too afraid to attempt anything else. Both were rendered inedible by Chef Kim, so we made mac and cheese instead, which Jared gave a generous five-star review, probably because it was almost nine by the time we'd finished and we were starving. Then we went up to my room. By that point my hands were shaking so badly I didn't even attempt to light the candles.

We kissed for a while and then slowly undressed each other, but after that, neither of us knew what to do. We were both virgins. It took forever to find a good position, and when it came time for the condom, I couldn't even get it to roll down.

"I think it's backwards," Jared said. "You're trying to put it on inside out."

"There's a backwards!?" I wailed.

"Shh, jeez, you'll wake the neighbors!"

Sadly it was all downhill from there. Afterwards, we lay on my bed eating charred brownies chiseled straight from the pan and avoiding each others' eyes.

"Mm," I said. "Tastes like cigarettes."

"So…" Jared said. I bit my lip as I waited for him to finish his thought, but apparently he had nothing else to share.

"We'll get better."

We did. Each time after was a little better than the last. On our third try, he had me hyperventilating to the point where I couldn't feel my fingers or toes. "Where'd you learn to do that?" I asked afterwards, still breathing hard. He just smirked at me. "Have you been practicing with your other girlfriends?"

He laughed. "No."

"Then tell me!"

He looked down. "I asked Sam and Paul."

"Woah!" I stared at him. "Does Emily know?"

"What? Why would I-"

I shook my head. "I can't believe you hooked up with Sam and Paul."

"What!? No, Kim! I can read their minds when we're on patrol and-"

"I really didn't see that coming." I shook my head again, then looked him dead in the eyes. "Live your truth, Jared."

He stared at me, aghast, but when he realized I was kidding, he started shaking with laughter. "You're _so_ weird."

By July, we were addicts. We had a routine down. I continued swiping free condoms after work, and both Jared and I would keep tabs on when our parents would be out. Sometimes, if we couldn't find another opportunity, we would take a blanket and some beers into the woods. We toned it down around friends after Paul and Lauren confronted Jared and I respectively.

By the end of August, I'd finally worked up the courage to jump off the top of the cliffs. We'd eaten everything at Gracie's Diner, though Jared skipped the egg salad, which he said he didn't trust. We also tried to sneak into the biker bar in Forks, but that was a bust. The bouncer took one look at our borrowed IDs and turned us away. We'd had several bonfires at the beach, sometimes with Jared and his friends, sometimes with my friends, sometimes with Quil and his friends, sometimes with a combination. Not much to do in a small town. Jared and I also had another fight.

"I just don't understand why this is such a big deal to you," Jared said. We were on the beach. I was sitting on my favorite dead tree. He was pacing back and forth like a moron.

"Same," I said, cooly.

He sighed, very dramatically. "You know why."

"Oh are we allowed to talk about _work_ again?"

I'd thought this little argument was long over. From prom to graduation, Jared had made no mention of the non-issue of where I went to high school. But apparently, even though we'd never spoken about it, Jared assumed I would happily change schools over the summer. It made no sense. As if I was somehow fully on the same page with him about the danger, but in spite of that, objected to the turmoil of switching schools mid-year.

Jared glared at me. "We stopped talking about _work_ because last time I even _mentioned_ it, you got so freaked out that you shut down and stopped answering your phone for a month."

"Oh is that why I did that?" I said, my tone dripping with sarcasm. Then I narrowed my eyes. "Is that really what you think?" Jared didn't say anything, but he looked confused, so I plowed on. "I stopped answering my phone for a month because one day, I didn't text you for _twenty minutes_ and you showed up at my school, pulled the fire alarm, and then tried to drag me off into the woods like a crazy person!" I glared at Jared as his expression melted from confusion to pain. "So yeah, _sorry_ for freaking out a little!"

Jared sat down next to me, took a deep breath, and put his head in his hands.

"Kim, I would never hurt you."

I didn't say anything. I didn't look at him.

"Kim I-I only wanted to protect you."

"I know what you want," I said. "And I'm telling you no thanks." He was silent for a long time.

"Are you scared of me Kim?" His voice was small and pained.

I sighed. "I'm not scared of what you are. It doesn't scare me that you have powers," I said. "It's not a question of… abilities. It's about impulse control. And intentions. That's what makes someone scary or not."

Jared was quiet for a long time, thinking about that. "You didn't really answer," he said eventually.

"I'm saying it's up to you," I said. "You get to decide whether to be scary or not."

"You aren't scared now, are you?" He asked softly.

"No."

"But I've scared you before?"

"Only that one time."

"I'm sorry," he said.

"I know."

He slid closer to me on our tree and put his arm around me. I leaned my head against his shoulder.

"It sucks that summer is almost over," he said.

"Two weeks," I said. "But Friday was my last day at the lab so we can make them count."

"What?" He asked. "Really? You're free?"

I smiled. "I'll be working two nights a week starting in September, but for the next two weeks yes."

"Wow," he said. "What should we do? We finished our list."

"We can make a new one," I said. "Or not. We don't need a list." I kissed him and he kissed me back.

* * *

School had a campy vibe when we got back. We were seniors now. Kings. Some things had changed though. Mike and Jess were on the rocks now. They fought constantly over the summer. Lauren and Matt were going strong. Angela was also still together with her Prom date, Ben. Also, Edward and Alice had followed Bella to our lunch table since the rest of the Cullens had graduated.

Jared hadn't brought up transferring schools since our bitter talk in August. I was at ease around the Cullens now, though Jared was pretty vocal about the smell. He always lit up when he saw me after school, but I could tell when he thought I smelled because his face would fall almost immediately. It was a little annoying but also very funny. I was thinking about it at lunch one day when I was sitting next to Alice, and I noticed Edward smirking. It was surreal.

I was all but buried in school work. Between working two afternoons a week, SAT prep, which I was regretting neglecting over the summer, college applications, and regular homework, I was all but drowning. Then, somehow, I had to make time for friends and Jared. Jared had started making fun of me for suggesting study parties whenever it was my turn to plan dates.

"I just don't see why you have to spend so much time on this," Jared said. He lounged on my bed while I hunched over my desk like an overworked 18th century scribe. Jared was taking a much more relaxed approach to senior year than I was. "Aren't you like...really smart?" I heard a rustling sound and whipped around. He was playing with some flashcards I'd made for an upcoming Spanish test.

"Jared, don't shuffle those!" I wailed. "They were in order!"

He looked up at me, eyes wide. "Sorry!" I thumped my head on the desk. "I think you need to take a break."

"You're right," I said. I got up from my desk then flopped down directly on top of him. He started petting my hair and I pretended to snore. "Just need a quick power nap," I mumbled into his chest. He laughed and kept petting my hair. I felt...really happy. While he teased me about it constantly, Jared never made me feel bad for being boring or distracted. He was pretty content to do nothing together every once in a while too. So I just focused on savoring every moment. Thrilling and boring. I was falling into a routine, but towards the end of September, something strange happened.

We'd been trying to convince Bella to do something for her birthday, the first of the school year for our friend group. By we, I mostly meant Jess and Angela. Lauren, who had written off Bella as a snob for never coming to her parties, and I, who saw Bella as chronically introverted, were less invested in party planning. I wasn't surprised when she said she didn't want to do anything, but the day after her birthday, she revealed a huge gauze bandage on her arm while we were getting ready for gym.

"What happened, Bella?" I asked.

"I tripped," she muttered, averting her eyes.

I pretended to gasp, playing innocent. "Who tripped you!?"

Then Alice Cullen appeared out of thin air. Spooky.

"C'mon Bella, we're going to be late," she said. Then she smiled at me, grabbed Bella's good arm, and towed her away. It felt so rehearsed. I didn't trust it.

The next day at lunch, I glared pointedly at Edward when everyone's attention was elsewhere. _I know what you did_ , I thought, as I pictured Bella's arm. He just glanced up at me, his eyes dark and sad, and then looked away. I didn't try to confront him again after that, but I couldn't hold back thoughts the way I held back words. Edward, Alice, and Bella acted weird, even weird for them, over the next few days. Then on Friday, Edward waved me into an empty classroom.

"What's going on?" I asked as he shut the door. For a moment he didn't say anything. He looked so miserable I thought he might start crying. Then I wondered if vampires even could cry, which wasn't super relevant.

"I wanted to ask you for advice," he said, which was the most surprising thing he could have said. Wasn't he like a thousand years old?

"Age isn't really a factor here," he said. "I thought you might have a unique perspective on the situation."

"What situation?" I asked.

"Bella wants me to...make her like us," Edward said.

"She doesn't know what she's asking," I said, cooly.

"I wouldn't do it," Edward said. "I know that. It's just…"

"Just what?" I asked.

"I don't know what to do," he said. "I thought... I was planning on staying as long as she wanted me around but… what if she never wants me to leave? What if she never moves on on her own?"

I nodded, noticing the panic in his voice. Even if he didn't change her, even if he left her human, if she never moved on, he would still be stealing her life in a way, slowly, even if only by stealing her time. She would never be able to marry or have kids. She would never have a real relationship.

Edward cringed, clearly following my line of thoughts. But why did he think I could help?

"Is it… so different from what you have with Jared?" He asked, softly, as if he was worried about offending me. Instead, I was floored with pity. He'd been counting on my atypical relationship to justify his own.

"Yes," I said. "It's so different. I mean, now it's kind of similar. Both you and Jared are almost human, but not exactly, but… it's different because he's only like this temporarily. In a few years…" I trailed off because it was hard to look at the pain on Edward's face, but I knew I had to say this. "Jared can walk away from it. Not right away, but in a few years, he can be human for me. And if we want we can," I rolled my eyes, "get married, have kids, grow old and die together. Jared can become human for me. But you can't do the same for Bella. It's not the same. I'm sorry."

Edward recoiled as if I'd struck him. I felt a trickle of fear, knowing what he was, but mostly, I just felt sad. His body was shaking. It took me a moment to realize that he was crying. There were no tears, only rhythmic, shaking sobs.

"What do I do?" He asked, voice broken.

"I think you know." _I think you should leave._ I didn't have the heart to say the last part out loud.

I didn't know what to do next. His face was in his hands, but he didn't move. The room was empty. There wasn't even anyone in the halls. I stepped beside him and put my arm around his shoulder. "I'm so sorry," I said. "Really, I am."

It felt so surreal, standing there with my arms around him. Rubbing his back, like I would for any friend. In one way it felt like many hugs do, an effort to ease a friend's suffering. In another way it felt like hugging a grenade.

Eventually, I let my arms fall. I didn't say a word as I walked out, leaving him there, alone in the dark classroom, even though I knew this was goodbye.


	12. Fallout

Jared's parents were away for the weekend and we planned to make the most of it. I'd showered twice before coming over, the memory of Edward's cold body in my arms earlier that day fresh in my mind. Luckily, Jared smiled when I opened his door, unaware of any scent lingering on my skin or troubled thoughts in my mind. An hour later, he was unhooking my bra, lips moving over mine when his phone buzzed. He ignored it the first time, but it buzzed again. Then a third time.

"It's fine," I sighed. He groaned and looked at the screen. Then his eyes widened. He looked at me and bit his lip. "What is it?" I asked.

"Um… it's a _work_ thing," he mumbled.

I rolled my eyes and scowled. I could not believe that he was still being secretive about all the pack stuff.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I have to go, but I'll make it up to you I promise!"

"What kind of a work thing?" I frowned, crossing my arms.

"Uh, like a minor emergency?"

"Does it have anything to do with the Cullen's leaving?" I asked.

He froze, pants half on. I don't know why he bothered. Knowing _work_ they were just going to come off again. "How did you know?"

"Oh, you know we can't really talk about _work_ ," I said, rolling my eyes, but my tone was a little too bitter for it to be playful.

"Why didn't you say something!?" I looked up at him, shocked that he was suddenly so tense.

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, Kim. It matters." He was tense, almost business-like. It made me nervous. "Do you know where they're going?"

"I didn't ask."

"Are they going to...change that girl?"

"Bella?" I asked, surprised. "She's not with them."

"She's missing," Jared said.

"She's not with them," I said, voice firm. "Trust me. She wasn't invited this time."

Jared shook his head in disbelief.

"You're going to go look for her?" I asked.

"It's my _job_ ," he said. I sighed and lay back down, irritated that I was faking a sleepover with Jess to end up sleeping alone in Jared's empty bed.

"Check the woods behind her house first." I wasn't sure, but I had a hunch that Edward would leave her by her house. She probably ran into the woods for space. Or she tried to follow him and got lost. Jared didn't say anything in response, he just buttoned his pants and left.

I started to worry lying there, awake and alone. What if Edward took the opposite of my advice? I tried to remember exactly what I'd said earlier in that classroom. I think I'd told him it wasn't fair to keep her between two worlds. What if instead of deciding to leave, he decided to pull her into his world entirely?

I realized I couldn't sleep here in Jared's bed. What if they didn't find her? I imagined Jared coming back hours later, tired and irritated from a fruitless search. He wouldn't want to take it out on me-I knew that-but he would be annoyed that I hadn't told him what I knew. And if Bella was in danger because of me, I wouldn't be able to bear the guilt. I got dressed, grabbed my phone and keys, and left. An hour and a half later, I was home, pacing around my room in pajamas, when I got a text from Jared:

_You were right she was in the woods._

I heaved a sigh of relief and texted him back. _I'm glad she's safe._

Jared: _Sorry about earlier._

I didn't respond.

Jared: _A bunch of people are going to have a bonfire to celebrate. Wanna come?_

Me: _Celebrate what? Finding Bella?_

Jared: _Because the Cullens left._

Me: _Go ahead, I'm tired._

Jared: _U sure?_

Me: _Yeah have fun._

I flopped on my bed. I definitely wasn't in the mood to celebrate. I was relieved that Bella was ok, but she wasn't really _ok,_ was she? I pictured her, aimlessly wandering into the woods. I thought of the pain I saw in Edward's eyes when I told him he couldn't be with her. Had I done the right thing? I turned out the lights, buried myself in blankets and tried to wrestle with the gravity of what I'd done.

I didn't tell anyone about my part in the Cullens leaving, not even Jared. I was distracted all weekend, and he could tell. He asked me what was wrong a few times and I said nothing, and when he pushed, I said I didn't want to talk about it.

It was a little funny, because otherwise Jared was incredibly chipper. After sleeping well past noon on Saturday from his nearly all-night bonfire party-which he described in detail as the party of the year that he could not believe I missed-he was all smiles on the beach. Jared was outwardly thrilled that the Cullens were gone and, I'm sure, inwardly enormously relieved that I would not be going to school with them. In spite of all that cheer, his smiles melted into genuine concern whenever he saw me sulking. His cheer was annoying, but it was sweet that he cared so much about my mood.

"Are you mad about Friday?" he asked, eyes wide. "I didn't want to leave, you know. Sam put out an order."

"Of course not," I said. "I'm glad you found her."

"What's wrong, Kim?" Jared asked.

I sighed. "It doesn't have anything to do with you." He looked hurt by that so I quickly changed the subject. "How did she look?"

Jared cringed. "Not great. Sam's the one that saw her but I saw because…" I just nodded. "...she looked, really out of it. She looked really sad, kind of numb maybe? It could have been a lot worse though. He didn't hurt her or anything," he sighed, relieved even just to be saying it. "For whatever reason, he left her behind, didn't try to change her or anything."

I nodded. "That's good," I said, even though it really wasn't, because Sam found her lying in the woods looking sad and numb.

"She'll be ok," he said.

I just nodded. I figured I would have to wait until Monday to know how bad it was.

Bella wasn't in school. She wasn't in school all week. No one seemed to know where she was. The Cullens were supposedly in LA, moving suddenly when their father got a job offer. No one seemed all that concerned about this, except to speculate that Bella had run off with Edward. I texted her on Tuesday:

_RU sick? Need English notes?_ But of course she didn't respond.

I told Jared about it on Wednesday.

"She's at home," he said. "Billy Black heard from Charlie."

"Is she ok?"

"Um," Jared rubbed his neck. "I think it's not great. Charlie was thinking of sending her to her mom's for a bit."

I nodded, weighed down with remorse. "Maybe… a little distance will be good for her?"

"Yeah," Jared said.

In spite of everything, I still thought I had done the right thing. She would go home to her mom. She would be far away from all of this and she would get better in time. But next Monday she wasn't with her mom, she was back in school.

Bella looked awful. The closest comparison I could draw in my mind was old movies about lobotomy patients. Her face was totally blank, eyes staring, but seeming not to see anything. She looked thinner, as if she had somehow lost weight in just a week. The dark circles under her eyes were so vivid they looked like bruises. The worst part, other than her blank expression, was her posture. She was almost doubled over, as if she were trying to hold herself together with her arms. She sat with us at lunch, but she didn't buy any food or speak to anyone. Angela tried to talk to her and put half a sandwich in front of her but she didn't touch it. It was as if she didn't even know that Angela was there.

There was no change the next day. Angela, Jess, and I met in the bathroom after lunch.

"She...she won't talk to me," Angela said. "I asked her what was wrong and she just shook her head, but I don't even know if she heard me."

Jess bit her lip. "I mean, I can guess. Edward probably broke up with her before they left. I bet she wanted to do long-distance, go to college together, all of it, and he wanted to date LA girls."

"It surprises me a little though," Angela said. "They both seemed pretty into each other."

"Yeah but there's no way he was as into her as she was into him."

"I don't know," I said.

Jess raised her eyebrows. "Seriously?"

I shrugged. "You never know. He was good looking, but kind of _odd._ And pretty intimidating. Maybe he had trouble getting close to people too."

Jess nodded. "Fair."

"It's not that important," Angela said. "But I tried texting Alice. She's not answering."

I froze. It didn't surprise me that Alice wasn't answering but I was momentarily caught off guard that Angela had thought to text her. I had to remind myself that Angela and Jess thought the Cullens were human, and that this was a normal breakup, for the normal reason of moving to a new town. It would look different through their eyes.

Angela noticed my reaction. "What?"

"Nothing," I said. "It's just… I can't believe she wouldn't respond. I mean, I guess she probably told Edward, but you would think he would feel pretty bad if he knew what kind of state she's in." Angela nodded.

"Is her dad doing anything?" Jess asked.

"I heard he was going to send her to Florida to spend some time with her mom," I said. "I wonder what changed."

We all thought about that. In the end we had no ideas on what to do or how to help.

Jared came over that night, since my mom was out late. We were lying on the couch, with the TV on, but neither of us were really watching. Normally I loved lying with him like this, the little spoon in his supernaturally warm arms, but I was in a dark mood today. I told him about Bella.

"Shit," he said. "She didn't go to her mom's?"

"No," I said. "I'm not sure what happened."

"Still," he said softly. "I know it looks bad now, but in the long run she's way better off."

"Is she?" I wasn't asking him really, just doubting myself. "I really thought so, but now I'm not so sure."

Jared sat up a little, trying to peak at my face. I wouldn't meet his eyes. "She was in love with a monster," Jared said. "There's no way that could have had a happy ending."

"What if it was too late?" I whispered.

"Too late for what?"

"Her happy ending," I said. I wasn't expecting to cry but I felt a tear pooling on the bridge of my nose. "What if she lost the chance for a real happy ending the moment she saw him?" Jared didn't say anything, so I plowed on. "What if this ending is worse than the other?"

"Don't joke."

"I'm not joking," I cried. "You didn't _see_ her."

Jared sat us up and pulled me into his lap, holding me so he could see my face. He wiped away my tears but I still couldn't meet his eyes. "I saw her that night," Jared said. "She looked...really bad. But she'll get better. Nothing's worse than… _that._ "

"Well I didn't see her that night but-" I searched for words. I was trying to think of a better way to describe her than by comparison to a lobotomy patient and I flinched when I realized who else Bella resembled. I pictured Jared on prom night, how he'd looked thinner and exhausted, so worn down as if he'd lost the will to take care of himself. The only difference was Jared's expression. He'd been alert to the point of excitement, but that may have been a recent change. He was excited to see me, excited that I was talking to him again. I wondered what he might have looked like, hours earlier, when he wondered if I would ever speak to him again.

"What?" Jared asked.

"She…" I paused wondering if I could really share this with him. I decided I should. He wouldn't like the analogy but he would definitely understand. "She looked... like you did. She looked the way you did when we went to my prom. After I'd stopped talking to you. She looks empty. Like she only had one reason for existing, and it was ripped away from her."

Jared shook his head, expression darkening. "It's not the same."

"What if that's just what happens when you fall in love with a monster?" I whispered.

He was shaking his head over and over. "No. What? What are you saying? You're _not_ a monster. And it's not the same. The way I feel about you, and the way she felt about him. You are my reason for existing. That's the way _I_ feel about _you_." I blinked at him, shocked. He never talked like this. "So don't talk about them like that. For Bella… it's just an addiction. She's like, going through withdrawal right now but after she gets through it she'll be better off. Trust me."

He was staring at me. I couldn't pull my eyes from him either. For a while I couldn't speak. "I hope you're right," I said, finally. He didn't say anything, he just held me. I took a deep breath. "You probably are," I said. "It actually wouldn't surprise me if their breath smells like opium or something."

Jared somehow managed to laugh and shudder at that at the same time. We laid back down and went back to pretending to watch TV, but I was actually starting to feel better. Withdrawal actually made some sense. It just had to run its course.

Weeks wore on and Bella did not seem to improve with time. There was something robotic about the way she moved through the school, as if she was somehow existing without experiencing anything. Angela, Jess, and I were all concerned, and at first we did our best to try to help her, but as far as we could tell, nothing we tried resonated with her in any meaningful way. And eventually we gave up. Not in any spoken or marked way, but one by one we made fewer and fewer attempts to draw her out of herself, until each of us stopped entirely. I stopped bringing her up to Jared. Sam asked about her a few times the first month, but eventually he stopped too. Bella only spoke when asked a direct question, and sometimes that even took a few tries. Even the teachers stopped calling on her. She floated through school, haunting the halls like a ghost.

I thought about her less and less. Senior year was not an easy undertaking. Now, in addition to trying to make time for friends and Jared, my part time job, and my homework, I'd fully thrown myself into the college application process. It was challenging for me for a bulk of reasons, especially because it was a secret.

I felt a little silly, hiding my essays in drawers, writing drafts in the library before school, reading campus reviews under my desk during class, but to me I felt like the whole process felt really personal. This was because I was afraid that either I wouldn't get in anywhere worth attending, or that I would get in somewhere I desperately wanted and wouldn't get the aid I needed. I didn't discuss plans with friends because I didn't want to drag them onto that potential roller-coaster of emotions. I didn't even discuss specific plans with mom. All mom knew was that I intended to go and planned to apply to FAFSA, but I gave her no indication of where I was looking. I also expressly forbade her from gossiping about any part of the process. The last thing I wanted was for her to gossip with everyone she knew in town about how I was a genius and she always knew I would get out of this town and go places or something like that. College was a political issue around here because most kids stayed local, often opting for community colleges or commuter schools, which was definitely more practical, but not my first choice. Or my mom's.

That's why, most of all, I wanted to keep it a secret from Jared. College came up in conversation once, back when I was studying to retake the SATs.

"Why?" he asked, flipping through one of my completely filled prep books.

"I want a 2200," I said. He snorted, not realizing I was serious, and I wasn't going to tell him otherwise. "Did you take them?"

"Yeah," he said. "National average!"

"Aye!" I did a little 'raise the roof' move. "Average! Are you going to go to school next year?"

"I'll probably take a gap year," he shrugged. "You?"

"Haha, we'll see," I said. "Apparently you can't just show up, they have to accept you so...fingers crossed!"

"You'll get in somewhere," Jared said. "Don't you work at Puget Sound? I bet you could get in there."

"I don't know," I chuckled, "I think the PI has realized I'm not the science prodigy I claimed to be when I applied."

Jared laughed. "Well then you'll just fib your way in somewhere else, easy."

At the time, that was true. I messed up constantly at the lab, but recently, to my complete surprise, the PI introduced me with glowing praise to one of his old classmates who was now a Professor at Columbia. After talking with her in the lab, and then a few emails back and forth, she encouraged me to apply.

At first I was dismissive. One, there was no way I would be able to get in. My grades were decent, but since Forks didn't offer AP classes. I only had a few from sophomore year back in Flagstaff. Second, until that conversation, I had never imagined going that far away. A year ago I would have felt differently. I'd been uprooted before, and I didn't really have roots in Forks last fall. I did now.

Whether Jared went to school next fall or not, there was no question that he would be staying local. Sam had put aside college to stay in town, and I knew Jared and Paul planned to do the same. Their choice was supported by the council; it was as if it was a sacrifice they were expected to make for the good of the town, a part of their supernatural duties, an obligation they owed in exchange for their powers. When we had talked about college that one time, Jared was very easy going, but I was almost certain this is because he thought I would be commuting like everyone else. Going out of state was rare.

In spite of the many complications, fantasies of going to Columbia encroached every waking dream I had. I started to imagine a new life for myself in New York City, going to a prestigious school, meeting new people, going to restaurants, and concerts, and eventually clubs and bars. I had trouble fitting Jared into my already ridiculous fantasies. I couldn't picture him there in the streets I'd only ever seen on TV. A square peg in a round hole. In spite of the many obstacles, Columbia rapidly became my first choice, and without telling anyone except the PI of the lab I worked at, and the Columbia Professor I'd been speaking to, I carefully filled out my application and sent it out, pouring all of my fantasies into one overpriced online form.


	13. 1000 Dollars Deep

"How come we don't hang out anymore?" Quil asked, face neutral, tone bitter. In truth, we hadn't made plans to hang out in a while.

"Sorry cuz," I said. I didn't look up from the soapy dish in my hands. Quil and I now routinely washed dishes together after family dinners. Uncle Quil's booming laugh echoed in from the other room. Quil and I grinned, but didn't drop the subject.

"Seriously though," he said, "don't you ever get bored of Spooky Jared?"

"Quil!" I laughed, "I told you not to call him that!" Then I sighed. "And no, honestly I don't see him that often either."

"What?" Quil asked, but I just shrugged. Unfortunately, it was true. Between my schedule and his mysterious _Protector_ duties, which had ramped up in the last few weeks for undisclosed reasons, we saw each other maybe once or twice a week. Admittedly, that was a lot considering how busy we both were.

"We should make a plan," I said. "Hang out soon."

"Yeah, what should we do?"

"Bonfire maybe?" I suggested. "We could make it a party." Quil made a face, surprising me. "Or we could do something else… some one on one cuz-catch-up-time? Either way, just let me know."

"Ok," he said.

"Are you still into my friend Jess by any chance?" I asked, casually.

He pouted. "I thought she was dating that thumb?"

I cackled. "Mike?! Yeah, I guess he does kind of look like a thumb! Oh my god, I never noticed! But they aren't dating anymore. They broke up over the summer. I thought they might get back together when school started again but I think they're actually officially done."

"Wow," Quil said. After a moment of thought he said, "yeah a bonfire would be fun." I smiled.

That Saturday, Quil and I put our plan into motion. Quil brought Jacob and Embry and I invited our entire lunch table and-with Quil's reluctant blessing-Jared, Paul, and Sam. I was determined to keep mixing Quil and his friends with the pack until they got along. Sam brought Emily. Mike and Jess sat at opposite sides of the circle. Mike started a deep conversation with Tyler. Quil chatted with Jess, cautiously at first, but in no time they both smiled and giggled. Jared and I, each the perfect model of maturity, began sword fighting with flaming sticks from the fire. Then, to my complete surprise, Angela and Ben showed up with Bella.

Bella looked as she always did these days: dark, deep set circles under her eyes, uncombed hair, and eerily blank expression. I noticed Sam staring at her, shocked. She probably looked more or less similar to the day he found her lying on the ground in the woods. Other people started to stare and conversations grew hushed all around the fire. I hopped up to attempt some damage control.

"Yay, you guys made it!" I called, walking over to greet them. I rubbed Bella's shoulder, as I was often tempted to do, just to confirm that she was still real, and not the ghost she resembled. "Help yourselves to some of our finest Keystone Light!" Ben smirked and took a can.

"Don't peer pressure the minors," Sam called from across the fire. I rolled my eyes out of his line of sight. Having recently turned 21, he was now the official provider of beer and unwanted wisdom, as opposed to before, when he was the unofficial provider of those same things.

"She's a minor too," Emily said laughing.

"Which makes it all ok," I said, turning to wink at her.

I made room for Bella, Angela, and Ben between me and Jess. Angela and Jess chatted. Bella sat next to me, firelight reflecting in her dark, empty eyes. I gave her Jared's sword fighting stick and we poked at the fire together. I felt Jared, Sam, and Emily's eyes on us, but we didn't say anything. I noticed Jacob making his way over and then slid closer to Jared, making room for him between me and Bella.

"Hey Jake. Got smoked out, huh?" I asked.

He sat down. "Yeah, it's rough over there."

I offered him my sword-turned-poking stick and he took over my fire poking duties. He made small talk with Bella and to my complete surprise she engaged. He made fun of her fire tending technique, and her face lit up in a smile that only seemed a little forced. I waited for her to fade, to lose focus and go blank as she did whenever Angela or I tried to talk to her for more than a few seconds, but she didn't. For reasons unknown to me, Jacob had an immediate effect on her, focusing her attention and shaping her mood. For the first time in months, she was completely present.

I was transfixed the whole night. I kept meeting Angela's glances. She looked as shocked as I felt.

Over the next few weeks, Bella looked different in school too. When I got lunch with Quil at Gracie's Diner, he said Jacob and Bella were hanging out a lot. They were repairing some old motorcycles she'd bought in a yard sale. That was surprising too, as Bella didn't strike me as the biker type, but I was happy for her. The only fact that marred my celebration was the awareness that nothing Jess, Angela, or I had tried worked in any remote sense. Overall, I was too relieved to be mad. Clearly she found what she needed.

Quil also admitted that he had been spending time with Jess, to which I high-fived him across the table. He joked about our mixing friend groups and I smiled, realizing I was far less stressed than I was a few weeks ago. Bella was going to be ok.

I dropped Quil at his house then drove to Jared's. I rang the bell twice, but no one answered. I peeked in the window, then at my phone. I frowned. Jared had cancelled for the third time this week.

Him: _I'm really sorry._

Him: _It's a work thing._

I was pissed that he still, after like eight months, felt the need to keep most things supernatural secret from me, as if they would have no effect on my life if I ignored them. Without any details, I didn't know whether to be angry or scared for him.

Me: _Working hard or hardly working?_

With the message I sent a screenshot I'd been saving of a local news report with the headline: _Hiker Missing: Third Disappearance this Month Stumps Police and Causes Mass Panic._ It was obnoxious, but I didn't appreciate being treated like I was stupid. I drove home.

I pulled out my phone to text Jess to see if she was free instead. I planned to ignore Jared's text but I couldn't resist opening it.

Jared: _We're trying._

I sighed. Me: _I know. But you don't have to pretend like it isn't happening. I'm not scared._

Him: _Don't go in the woods though! Don't go out alone. Srsly._

I scowled, chucking my phone on the bed. What did he want from me?

All I knew was the pack was in some hot water. There had been a few disappearances in our usually sleepy towns. Two hikers had disappeared and no bodies had been recovered. There was speculation in town that this was because of a string of freak bear attacks, but I knew better. One hiker reported seeing giant bears from a distance. Had he been closer, he might have realized that they were freakishly overgrown wolves. My understanding was that the pack was chasing the real threat, turning up too late to help but just long enough to churn the whole town into a bear-related frenzy. But sure, let's just say things were hectic at "work."

I didn't want Jared to know how nervous I was. It was getting harder and harder to find time to see him, and when we did hang out, he looked so beat that I felt guilty keeping him from sleep. What if he messed up because he was too tired? Tired from staying up to see me? So when he said he wanted to see me, I would ask if he'd slept, and when he would say he could stay up, I would tell him to sleep first. I did my best to play it cool and not to let on how scared I was for him, but in truth, some nights I would lay awake for hours, staring at my phone, waiting for him to text me that he made it home ok.

To make matters worse, a week later, Quil stopped speaking to me. Embry had joined the pack. Jared told me how it happened. Apparently, Quil had bailed on him to hang out with Jess, Jacob had bailed on him to hang out with Bella, and Embry, feeling very single and alone, had gone for an angry run on the beach which ended with him exploding into an enormous wolf. Luckily, the rest of the pack were in their wolf forms at the time, trying to follow a trail in spite of the rain, and were able to calm him down through their shared mental link.

It took a new werewolf a few weeks to gain control over their powers. Anger was what caused the transformations, and for some reason the werewolf condition and anger seemed to exacerbate each other. In the first week, sometimes for several weeks, werewolves phased in and out of their wolf forms with very little intentionality or warning. So Embry was skipping school, trying to sweat out the aches that came with the early transformations, and get his anger in check well enough to control his dangerous transformations.

When he returned to school, he was ordered by Sam not to tell anyone what had happened, and to stay close to the other pack members so they could keep him in check. This silent avoidance had understandably upset Quil and Jacob. It also undoubtedly creeped them out because the exact same thing had happened when Paul and Jared joined. But he hadn't been friends with Jared or Paul. Embry joining the pack was a betrayal to him. Quil also blamed me. He was pissed at Sam and the pack, and pissed at me for dating Jared. He'd sent some angry texts at first, and now he wasn't responding to mine. I knew I needed to get back on speaking terms with Quil somehow. Not just for my sake, but also for his. Vampires proximity might be the biggest factor in making a normal teen boy a werewolf, but anger, isolation, and bitterness were all upped the risk substantially. I needed to do some damage control.

Later that week, Bella started to make a plan to get us all together for a movie. She wanted to invite the lunch table and Jacob and his friends. Since Quil was, as far as I was aware, currently Jacob's only friend, I was sure he would attend. Perfect. I told her I would go.

I texted Quil the day before: _Are you going to this movie thing?_

Quil: _Is your boyfriend coming?_

Me: _He's not invited._

Me: _How are you getting there?_

Quil: _Jake._

Me: _Do you think I could get a ride?_

Me: _My house is right on the way. Mom needs the car._

Quil: _Fine._

On Friday after school, Jacob pulled up in a little red car and I climbed into the backseat.

"Is this the car you were working on?" I asked, shocked.

Jacob smirked a bit. "Yep."

"Amazing!" I gushed. "You've got talent!" Jacob didn't respond. I could tell he was mad. I paused, trying to decide if now was the best time to enact my plan. This would be a terrible place to make them angry, as we were in very close quarters, and one of them phasing would be car-shattering, but I probably only had them alone for a minute. I sighed, deliberating, when Quil broke the silence.

"Where's your boyfriend tonight?" Quil asked, his tone bitter. It was as good an opening as any.

I put on my best scowl. "Probably with that _stupid_ gang of his. I bet they're punching each other in the stomachs to firm up their cores or something like that." I played up the resentment and glared out the window, silent for a few moments. "Guys I-" I swallowed. "I'm really sorry about Embry. It's all my fault." I saw Jacob and Quil exchange glances in the front seat.

"How is it your fault?" Quil asked. He sounded a little incredulous, but his voice was soft.

"It-ugh it's really stupid." I paused for a minute, biting my lip. Then I sighed dramatically and rolled my eyes. "Jared told me that Sam was going to try to get Embry to _join,_ and I straight up bet him a thousand dollars that Embry would _no_ t be that stupid. And now, what do you know, I'm a thousand dollars in the hole!"

"What?!" Jacob asked. I couldn't tell if he was mad or just genuinely shocked, but I plowed on. I was committed now.

"I know. It's insane. My guess is, Sam went to Embry, Embry said _no way_ , and Jared probably went and offered Embry 950 dollars or something, because honestly I just think he wanted to win at something, and for some reason he actually believes I'm loaded. But jokes on him. He's never going to see that money, because, shocker, I don't have a thousand dollars lying around!"

"Oh my god," Jacob said..

"What a dumbass," Quil breathed, shaking his head.

"So heads up," I said. "I couldn't pay up, so I had to go double or nothing on both of you, so if Jared offers either of you like _nineteen_ -hundred dollars to join his stupid little club, say _no,_ because there is no way you would ever see that money anyways because there is no way I will ever come up with it. _But,_ " I said, grinning, "if you guys don't join, _and_ in the off chance that Jared is somehow sitting on a mountain of cash somewhere, I'll _split it_ with both of you." To my relief, Jacob and Quil were both laughing, almost hysterically now, as we all pinky promised on my deal. I took a deep breath, relieved. Of course they were happy to laugh at Jared's expense.

"What if Jake and I join?" Quil asked.

"Well then I guess I'm fucked, cuz," I said. Quil guffawed. "You wouldn't do that to your favorite cousin would you?"

"Quil you gotta admit it's tempting," Jacob laughed. "What's Jared going to do anyways if you can't pay him?"

"Well if he does start pushing me on it, I'll just tell him I've found a wealthy bachelor who's agreed to assume my debts after our marriage," I said. "I'm sure he'll be thrilled."

"Oh my god," Quil laughed.

"I actually really hope Embry is like, on his case." I snickered. "Like a loan shark. And that Jared is all like, 'I'll have it by Saturday I swear!'" I deepened my voice into an unflattering impression of Jared, which I might have felt bad for if his impressions of me were more accurate. Quil and Jacob both cackled. I almost smirked at the thought of one of them joining the pack, forcing Jared and Embry to watch this exchange.

"Right," Quil said, chuckling. "But if Jared fesses up, I guess Embry will be coming for you."

"No offense but the dude weighs like ninety pounds," I said. "I'll take my chances."

They laughed again and then were quiet. Embry had been kind of a beanpole, at least he was until he'd phased. He was bulking up fast now. I hoped Jacob and Quil weren't thinking about that now.

When we pulled up at Bella's she was already outside with Jess and Mike the thumb, who were standing awkwardly far from each other.

"What happened to Ben and Angela?" I asked.

"You didn't hear?" Jess asked. I shook my head. "Ang has a stomach bug. Poor thing." I nodded sympathetically.

Mike drove. His car was big enough for all of us. The group dynamic was instantly odd. I was worried it would feel awkward, as I was in a rare kind of fifth wheel position, but I was actually thrilled to be a fly on the wall. Jacob and Bella instantly fell into a rhythm, chatting comfortably in the backseat. Jess, who was riding shotgun, twisted her torso around almost entirely to talk to me and Quil, but mostly Quil, while completely ignoring Mike who was in the driver's seat. Before we had reached the theater, their flirting had progressed from subtle to brutally obvious. Mike glared out the windshield, knuckles white as he clenched the wheel. When we got to the theater he glared resentfully at both Jess and Bella. The thought that Mike was somehow bitter about both Jess, who he had broken up with more than six months ago, and Bella, who he had never even dated, at the same time, was endlessly entertaining to me. He sulked through the first half of the movie before racing out of the theater without warning.

Quil went to check on him. Turns out Mike had the stomach bug too. We drove home.

That night I was exhausted but in good spirits. Quil and I were on speaking terms again. Bella was looking better, more alive than she had since Edward left. The guilt that had been gnawing away inside me for months was finally subsiding. I checked my phone again. As usual, Jared had promised to text when he was done for the night. Then I felt a cold trickle of sweat and a sudden wave of nausea. I barely made it to the bathroom before violently vomiting. I guess I caught the bug too.

After nearly an hour of toilet-side agony my phone buzzed. I almost ignored it, but I'd been starting to crave Jared's _home safe_ texts and the thought of ignoring was almost painful. My heart raced as I unlocked the screen, and sank as I read Jared's message. Jacob had just joined the pack.


	14. Office Drama Undisclosed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I'm posting a little earlier today because I've discovered I write this fanfic to procrastinate on my growing pile of homework. Oops! Thank you all for the lovely comments! It's so nice to hear your thoughts, predictions, likes, and dislikes, and it's amazing to see that real people have found this somehow and are clicking and sometimes reading and enjoying. Thank you all! <3 :)

It felt like weeks before I had sweat out the worst of the stomach bug, but in reality it was only one day. I felt weak after. Shaky and hollow. Jared offered to come over but I told him not to. Mom brought me cups of ice chips to stay hydrated, and then heated some broth for me when I started to feel better. I texted Bella. She was feeling sick and said that Jacob was sick too.

I still felt shaky when Quil showed up at my door, banging and yelling my name. I groaned. I wasn't ready for this. Mom told him I was sick and that he should come back later. I thanked my lucky stars and fell asleep for the rest of the day. Quil came back to my house after school on Monday. We went for a walk.

"Tell me what the fuck is going on," he said through his teeth. "And don't you dare lie."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I don't know."

"Bullshit."

"I'm serious," I said. "Jared doesn't really talk about what he does with his friends. When he blows me off to hang out with them he calls it 'work.'" I drew quotes in the air as I scowled. I didn't have to play up my annoyance at that particular habit of his.

"How can you _be with_ someone like that?" Quil asked, aghast. "What's the appeal, Kim?" I shrugged. He spat. "I don't get it. And I don't get why the hell you're acting like Embry and Jake had a choice in this. I know they didn't."

I felt bad about the 1000 dollar bet story. It might have worked if Jacob hadn't joined, but now it was like a slap in the face to Quil. He glared at me. "I know you know more than you're telling me."

I frowned. I wasn't supposed to tell him anything, but because I wasn't in the pack and under magic orders, it was physically possible for me. "I don't know what they do," I hedged, "but I know what they call themselves."

"The Protectors?" Quil asked with heavy sarcasm.

"I think they believe it."

"Believe what?"

"That they're protecting people," I sighed. "I don't know why they are singling out your friends. I don't know what they are doing or what they are offering. But I think they make a compelling case, beyond bets or money." Quil glared at me with such vitriol I half expected him to start shaking and phase on the spot. But he didn't shake.

"Tell your _boyfriend_ and his friends to stay the fuck away from me," he spat. Then he stomped off.

"Quil!" I called after him, but there was really nothing I could say. He didn't look back.

As the week wore on, my mood worsened. Jared texted often, mostly to say that he was alright but that he couldn't meet up. I told him I wasn't upset even though I was. I knew what he and his friends were trying to do but it didn't seem like they were making all that much of a difference. More people were disappearing. Police and hunters were setting traps and going out to shoot the killer 'bears.' It felt like we were living in a small town serial killer documentary. Jared insisted, through text, that he was being careful but I couldn't help but be angry that he was out there, risking his life when it didn't seem to be making any difference.

Bella spiraled. The clarity that she had gained through hanging out with Jacob in recent months seemed to be fading. She looked increasingly listless. Angela and Jess asked if I knew anything and I confided that Jacob was distancing himself.

"Poor Bella," Angela said.

Jess rolled her eyes. "That girl needs to find a sense of self-worth that isn't based on what a boy thinks of her." In spite of what I knew, I couldn't help but agree.

When I finally saw Jared again, he looked exhausted.

"Ok," he said. "It's uh… it's not going so well."

_You think?_ I kept my expression neutral and fought the urge to say something sarcastic.

"We keep missing them," he said. "Every time we get there just a second too late." I stayed quiet, hoping he would offer up more information. Instead he asked. "How are you?"

I frowned. "Not great," I said. "Quil's pissed." Then Jared smiled. "What?"

"Nothing," he said, still smiling. "I liked your loan shark story." Then he frowned. "Except for the part where you marry a wealthy bachelor to settle your debts."

I smiled too. "I didn't think you would _love_ that part, but hey for a thousand bucks?"

"Not for a million," he said, solemnly.

"Gross," I groaned. "That's so cheesy." He laughed and kissed my hair.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked.

"I think we should tell Quil. And Bella."

"Wait, what?"

"It's not fair to either of them. Quil's pissed. Bella's spiraling."

"Kim you can't."

"Quil is likely to join soon anyways. And Bella already knows most of it," I said, counting off the benefits on my fingers. "It's not really fair for either of them not to know. Quil just lost his two closest friends and if he's kept in the dark he's more likely to do something stupid. And Bella has dealt with the supernatural before. She knows how to handle that stuff. She knows how to keep secrets. And she might be able to help you." Jared stared at me, open mouthed, shaking his head slightly. "It _is_ vampires right? That's what you're chasing? That's what's killing those people?" Jared said nothing, which I took as a confirmation. "Well Bella's something of an expert. She knows more than we do."

"No," Jared said.

"I'm not going to spill any of your corporate secrets," I said as I rolled my eyes. "I'm just asking you to think about it."

"It's Sam's call," Jared said. "He ordered us not to tell anyone."

"I know. I meant all of you." Jared sighed and flopped down on his bed. His eyes were closed. He looked beat. I rubbed his hair. "Want me to go so you can sleep?"

"No stay," he mumbled. I smiled and lay down next to him. I put my head on his arm.

"It's nice that we can finally talk about work again," I whispered after a few moments. Jared didn't answer. His breathing was deep and rhythmic. I carefully sat up and slipped out of his room. He needed sleep.

* * *

There was a thick envelope in the mail the next day, mixed in with the usual bills, ads, and catalogues. The return address was from Columbia University. I dropped the rest of the mail in the street and tore open the envelope, then and there. The first sentence on the first page started: "We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted…" Then the tears in my eyes blurred the rest from view. I scooped up the rest of the mail I'd dropped, dumped it on the front table, and carried the envelope up to my room. I read the letter twice, and then a third time, expecting the print to rearrange itself into a more believable message. But it was real. And I wasn't dreaming. My chest was so tight, with excitement, nerves, fears, doubts, elation, worry that it was almost painful. I held the packet in my hand for almost twenty minutes, until I felt so overwhelmed that I slipped the pages into my desk drawer and then lay down on my bed.

_It's not real yet,_ I chastised myself. _I still need to hear back from the financial aid office to find out if I can actually go._ But in spite of the obstacles ahead, I felt the fantasies materializing in my head in a more tangible way.

I felt like I had a weight on me, as I went through school and life over the next few days. I kept it a secret. Jared stayed busy. Quil stayed angry. Bella stayed hollow. My boss at the lab asked if I had any news. Decisions were coming out and he knew it. I said I was waiting to find out about aid and he smiled and said congratulations, and that something would work out. I smiled back and thanked him, hiding my annoyance. Financial aid would only seem like a non-issue to someone who'd never needed it.

On Saturday night, I got a surprising text from Jared.

Jared: _Bonfire 2nite?_

Me: _Sure! Who's going?_

Jared: _Pack only. Plus you and Emily._

I frowned at my phone, confused, when another text came in that raised more questions than it answered.

Jared: _We're celebrating._

My breath caught in my throat. He couldn't know could he? I hadn't even told my mom yet. Jared picked me up in his dad's car.

"Hey," he said. He kissed me when I climbed into the front seat.

"What are we celebrating?" I asked, cautious. He grinned but didn't answer as he pulled back into the road. "C'mon tell me!" He glanced at me.

"We got one of them," he said.

I raised my eyebrows. "You killed a vampire?" He nodded. "Wow! That is a cause for celebration!"

He laughed. "You sound surprised!"

"To be honest I was starting to wonder if you had it in you," I teased.

"Ugh! That hurts!" He thumped his heart. "So little faith."

"So… one down… like nine to go?"

"Nine?!" He cried.

"What? I wouldn't know because you don't talk about _work_."

"There were two," Jared said. "We think they were a mated pair. We killed the male and now we just have to kill the female."

"Oh, too easy," I chuckled.

"We'll get it done," he said. "But tonight we are celebrating."

I was confused by this move of letting all guards down while a likely vengeful vampire was at large, but what did I know? I was hardly an industry expert on this mysterious, unspoken line of _work_.

"What's wrong?" Jared asked. I must have been frowning.

"What if this is what she's expecting you to do?" I asked.

"Who?" Jared asked. He sounded completely serious. I frowned. He was so slow sometimes.

"The female," I said, trying to sound sinister. "What if this is all part of her malevolent plan?" Jared was chuckling now. "And when you're all good and drunk, I pull off my human skin suit and feast on your flesh!" I hissed and then bit his shoulder for full affect.

"Oh you couldn't fool me," Jared said, unfazed. I frowned. "If you were a bloodsucker I would smell it."

"I forgot about that," I admitted, totally derailed. Then I laughed. "It's been so long since you've made me shower before we could hang out."

"Yeah," Jared smiled. "I don't miss that."

"The Cullens?" I asked. "Yeah I think only one person really does."

"How is Bella?" Jared asked, suddenly hesitant.

"Um," I hesitated too. "She… she's not great. Kind of like before, but not as bad. Jess and I were talking about it actually. Jess thinks Bella puts too much of her sense of self in the boys she's dating. I don't think she's wrong, but I guess it would be kind of a blow if both your first and your second relationships ended in total ghosting." Jared was quiet for a moment.

"They'll be able to hang out again soon," Jared said. "Soon as Jake gets his transformations under control."

I shook my head. "It won't be the same." Because there would be something between them then. A festering unspoken secret. Bella might speculate as to what Jacob disappeared to everyday, what undisclosed work drama was always stressing him out, but she would have even less to go off of than I always did.

"It will be something," Jared said. I didn't answer. "Something- _weird_ happened today."

"What?"

"When we caught up with the leech today, Bella was there with him."

I froze. "One of the Cullens?"

"No it definitely wasn't one of them," Jared said. "We know what they all look like. But she definitely knew him. They were talking. Really threw us off though. At first we didn't attack. We were technically on Cullen land, and it looked like it might be… a friend of hers or something. We waited until we were sure it was going to kill her."

"Is she ok?!"

"Yeah, yeah she's fine!" Jared said. "We stopped him."

I sighed. "I ought to buy you a drink sometime, sheriff," I drawled, in my best cowboy voice. Jared smirked. We were quiet for a moment. "Seriously, you should all talk to Bella. Clearly she's involved in this."

Jared frowned and didn't say anything but I had a hunch that he agreed.

The party was already going strong by the time we got there. Everyone was roasting hot dogs and s'mores over the fire. It was cute. I met eyes with Jacob across the fire who was wearing a severe expression and a new short haircut that everyone in the pack wore. To my surprise he smirked at me.

"You lost the bet," he said. Everyone in the circle started laughing.

"Goddamit, Black we had a deal!" I returned to my cowboy voice and spat in the sand for affect.

"What's this new accent?" I heard Paul whisper to Jared, who just shrugged. I ignored them.

"Now if I don't cough up I'm a goner!" I said, playing hysteria. "These loan sharks've been following me everywhere."

"Wait aren't the loan sharks me, Jake, and Jared?" Embry asked, raising one eyebrow.

"He follows me everywhere!" I pointed an accusing finger at Jared, who just smiled and rolled his eyes. I turned and locked eyes with Emily. "They can smell fear," I whispered. I reached out for her hand and she took it delicately, looking entirely overwhelmed by my antics. "If I die, tell my story!" Sam shook his head. Jared hid his face in his hands.

We ate our hotdogs and s'mores. The boys recounted their victory. I cringed at the part where they waited, trying to decipher whether Bella and the mystery vampire were friends, but otherwise I was happy to be in the loop. Then they talked 'business' for a while. How were they going to kill the female?

"She's been more elusive than the male," Sam said. "She doesn't draw attention to herself and she doesn't stay in one place for long. But this might change soon. We've killed her mate. So she will either flee out of fear-"

I snorted. "She won't flee." Everyone fell silent and stared at me. "She's _not_ going to _flee,_ " I repeated. "If you really killed her mate, she's not going anywhere. She's not going to try to make you hurt for it, regardless of the personal risk."

Sam stared at me for a moment, eyes narrowed slightly, before he finally collected himself and continued. "Or she will seek revenge, which will make things easier for us. If she attacks us, we just need to stay together, make sure she can't catch any one of us individually. We'll have safety in numbers." Everyone around the circle nodded solemnly.

I frowned, letting the pieces fall together in my mind. I thought of the Cullens and the way they moved in their little pairs. Alice with Jasper. Emmett with Rosalie. Edward with Bella. Like they were orbiting each other, like twin planets, trapped in the gravity of their partner. Like Sam with Emily. It dawned on me that I knew exactly what type of revenge a vampire would seek.

I took a deep breath. "I think… that death isn't a punishment for their kind," I said. I felt the eyes of everyone on me. I scrambled to try to put my thoughts in order. "I mean, their days are endless. Their lives don't have any real meaning because they have no real ending. They just kind of exist, but they find comfort in each other. Their mates are the one thing that gives their existence meaning. The female, she wouldn't view it as murder. She would view it as a... theft. A really serious theft." I paused to choose my words carefully. "I don't think she'll just want to kill you. I think she'll want to make you hurt for it. And she would uh... want the punishment to match the crime." There was a long silence around the crackling fire.

"So, what… she would steal something from us?" Embry asked. He sounded confused at the beginning of his question but trailed off into understanding at the end.

As I looked around the circle, all eyes were on me. Mine eventually settled on Emily. Sam's gaze had shifted from me to her as I looked at her. Fear was beginning to color Emily's expression. Sam's expression morphed to abject terror. I pulled my eyes down. I couldn't look at either of them. Jared was starting to shake next to me, but when I put my hand around his, the trembling slowed.

"Where's Bella?" I asked. My voice was soft but it carried easily now that the only competing sounds were the waves and the crackling of the low fire. "Her scent was in the field, and you came in to save her. The female might start there. Might consider that a lead…" I trailed off as all eyes fell on Jacob, who looked panicked.

"Probably at home," he said. He was already standing and started to walk off. He was shaking. "I'll check."

"Wait," Sam said. Jacob froze. "Embry, Paul, go with Jacob. Check the house, make sure Bella is safe and that the female hasn't been there."

"Also if you talk to Bella, tell her what's going on," I chimed in. "And ask her what she knows about the vampire in the field." I turned to Sam. "You said she knew the male. Maybe she knows his mate. Even if she doesn't, she knows more about vampires than we do."

"We know enough," Sam said.

"You can never know too much," I pressed.

"I'm grateful for the insight you've shared but-"

"But I've never _dated_ one," I said, firm. Jared gagged a bit theatrically. "Bella will know more than I do."

Sam looked back at Jacob, who stood still but looked very impatient. Embry and Paul were frozen beside him.

"Tell Bella everything," Sam said, "we'll be at my place." Jacob, Embry, and Paul sprinted off.

Jared nodded. "C'mon Kim." He grabbed my hand and towed me to the car. While Jared drove, I texted mom.

Me: _Is it ok if I sleep over at Lauren's tonight?_

Then I texted Lauren.

Me: _I told my mom I'm sleeping over at your place tonight. Cover for me? Thanks boo!_

Lauren texted me back right away: _Sure thing babe!_ This was followed by a string of increasingly suggestive emojis. I snorted.

"You're taking this well," Jared grumbled.

"Just setting up my alibi," I said. I looked over at him and his expression was tense and miserable. "Hey. It's going to be ok."

"I'll keep you safe," he said, nodding.

"I know," I said. "Sorry for _totally_ killing the vibe at the barbecue. Ugh, I'm such a downer, right?"

He laughed, though he sounded a little hysterical. "I can't believe we thought we could take a night off. To _celebrate._ " He was shaking his head back and forth. It looked almost like he was trying to get water out of his ears.

"I mean," I rolled my eyes a little. "You probably do need to take _some_ nights off. Sleep isn't really optional, is it? You just need to know what you're up against."

Jared didn't say anything to that. We pulled into Sam and Emily's gravel driveway, right behind Sam's car. Jared opened the door before he killed the motor. He poked his head out the door a bit. "We're clear," he said. Then turned off the engine. I realized he was smelling the air, and made a conscious effort not to comment. We followed Sam and Emily into the house.

It was cute inside. Emily had eclectic tastes. "Sit, sit," she said, smiling gesturing to a yellow sofa which was somehow bright and tired looking at the same time. I sat, marveling at how she could play gracious host so well, as if supernatural threats on her life were a part of her daily routine.

Sam and Jared debated in hushed tones whether they should stay inside or try to put up a perimeter. Emily put a glass of ice water in my hand. After a brief whispered debate Sam decided to go outside and phase in case the others were trying to make contact, while Jared would wait inside and listen for the signal, which was barking of course.

Emily settled down in an armchair and stared out the window. I watched Jared as he paced back and forth in the kitchen. Eventually he locked eyes with me and froze. Then he came over and sat down and put his hand around mine. I tried to smile at him to show that I was ok. I wasn't sure what my expression looked like but it definitely didn't set Jared at ease, so I focused on keeping my face blank. After what felt like hours, but was probably only thirty minutes, Sam came back inside.

"It's ok," he said. He looked much calmer than he had when we went outside. He walked over to Emily to rub her shoulder. He looked at me. "You were right. About almost everything." I didn't comment. "You were right about the way the leeches view revenge. Mate for mate. But you were also right about asking Bella, because apparently the two leeches in Forks weren't a pair. The Cullens killed the female's mate last spring, and now she's after Bella."

Jared sighed, clearly relieved, a split second before I let my head fall back, where it collided audibly with the wall behind the sofa. "Ow," I said. "Sorry, I forgot there was a wall there." Jared sniffed in a poor attempt to conceal laughter. "It's just...ugh poor Bella," I said. "That girl has like zero luck."

"It'll be ok," Sam said, calm. "We're not going to let anything happen to her. We'll keep up a perimeter at all times. We'll run in shifts. And now that we know what she wants, hopefully we'll be able to wrap this up sooner." Sam focused on Jared now. "Once she starts making passes again we'll run an outer and an inner group. The outer group will let her slip by and then we can collapse on her."

Jared nodded. "How do we split groups? Two on inner, three on outer?"

"Maybe."

"We could put Jake and Embry on the inner."

"They're too new."

"The outer will have more work though, Jacob's a natural."

"Not if she slips by the outer. Maybe Jacob with one of us and Embry with the other two?"

I tuned them out as I battled conflicting emotions. I was relieved that I wasn't really in danger, and then guilty that I was feeling relieved because Bella was, and scared that Jared would be on the front lines.

Jared didn't seem remotely scared now. He was excited, strategizing with Sam, a total one-eighty from when he thought I was in danger. What an emotional roller coaster I'd put him on tonight. I met eyes with Emily, who looked just as wary as I felt. Clearly it wasn't news that the pack had no fears when it came to themselves. They thought they were invincible, and it seemed like only Emily and I realized that that kind of reckless bravery could get them killed.


	15. Catalyst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault

The pack had no luck in the next few weeks. They kept up the patrols. The female made a few attempts, but didn't fall for any of the traps that the pack set. It seemed like she was always one step ahead of them. I speculated with Bella.

"Maybe she has some sort of extra-sensory perception," I said. "Like Edward or Alice." Bella winced and seemed to fold inward on herself. _Shit._ I forgot about that. It seemed to cause her physical pain when someone mentioned the Cullens. Especially Edward. I thought apologizing might make it worse, so I just waited for her to recover.

"I don't think so," she said. "Hm. I mean, I'm not sure. The only thing is, I think Edward-" wince "-would have noticed if she did. He would have read her mind when they showed up in the field. He probably would have told me if she had powers."

I thought about that. He might have had reasons to keep secrets from her, but what did I know? "Maybe she has something latent," I wondered. "Like an ability that she doesn't consciously use. Maybe something even she isn't aware of?"

"Like what?"

"Luck?" I asked, shrugging. "Jared says she keeps slipping by at the last minute. Maybe she's lucky in a supernatural sense."

Bella frowned at nothing and didn't say anything.

Friday was the start of spring break, both in Forks and in La Push. Mom had a girls' trip planned in Florida for the same week, which was fine by me. I was excited for a relaxing week with no adult supervision. The only downside was that the whole pack, including Jared, was still working a pretty heavy schedule. Quil, who in spite of being angry enough to avoid me entirely, had somehow managed to avoid phasing, meaning the pack had no new members to share the burden. The pack eagerly waited for him to join, but I dreaded the thought of it. I wanted the pack to have as much help as possible, just not from my cousin.

In spite of the obstacles, Jared was able to come over after our last day of school. He lounged on my bed as I wrote him a schedule to simplify his busy week. That's just the kind of thoughtful girlfriend I am.

"Saturday morning," I dictated to him as I wrote each word. "Kill. Vampire."

Jared chuckled. "That's been on my to do list for a long time, Kim."

I ignored that. "Saturday afternoon… shower… and nap." Jared smiled. "Saturday night… Lauren's party?" I raised an eyebrow at him.

He frowned. "I don't know if I can make it."

"I know, I know. You have to protect the civilians and all that jazz." I waved off his concerns. "But 'kill vampire' was your major scheduling conflict, which is why I moved it up to Saturday morning for you."

He rolled his eyes. "Wow thanks, Kim! How thoughtful."

"Anytime! Ok, back to the schedule. This Sunday through next Sunday. S-E-X." I wrote the three letters in caps across the rest of the page. "With me, not with anyone else. Simply no time on the schedule for any of your other girlfriends."

He laughed and then mumbled, "I can barely keep up with one."

I held up the schedule for him to appraise. "Any questions?"

"Yeah," he said, and his eyes glinted as they trailed from me to the schedule and back again. "Why do we have to wait until Sunday?"

I dropped the schedule and kissed him. Twenty minutes later we were breathing hard. Sweat beaded on every inch of our skin.

"What are we doing tonight?" Jared breathed. "Do you have a condom?"

"Yes!" I gasped. "Top drawer." I motioned to the desk. Jared got up and rustled in the drawer a bit, for longer than I expected. My breathing started to slow down. I wondered if I'd put them somewhere else. When I sat up Jared was standing by the desk, mouth open, staring at a thick envelope in his hands. _Oh no._ He finally looked at me, eyes wide with confusion.

"Columbia?" He asked, his voice soft and a little high. "Isn't that in New York?"

It was a moment before I could speak. I still hadn't told anyone about the acceptance. I still hadn't confirmed with the school, even though I'd found out the aid package was better than I'd expected and the deadline was looming closer and closer. Right now, I felt all the weight in my chest of the two fantasies I'd been obsessing over-the one I was currently living in, and the one that was becoming more and more tangible with each passing day-and I knew in that moment that I couldn't have both. I would have to choose. Worse than that. I'd chosen already, and my choice came with a cost.

"Yes," I whispered. "New York City."

"That um-that's really far." I nodded, my throat tight. "Are you going?" I nodded again. "Why-why New York, you could have gone anywhere you wanted…" he trailed off and I felt tears pooling in my eyes.

I swallowed. "I want to go there." He started to shake. "I-I'm sorry. I couldn't think of a way to tell you."

"So what..." he chuckled, but the sound was closer to hysteria than humor. "What was the plan? You were just going to... disappear next fall? You weren't going to say anything?"

"No, no I was." I insisted as I wiped my eyes. "I just hadn't thought of how yet…" Jared dropped the envelope back in the drawer, but he kept staring at it. I waited for him to say something, waiting for him to meet my eyes, but he was silent for so long, eyes trained on that secret letter in my desk, that waiting became agony. "Did you think I would stay here forever?"

Jared turned to face me. His expression changed. He was reeling before, but now his voice was hard. "I didn't think you would go somewhere so far away that I can't follow you. Or even visit you," he said. "I don't want you to move to the other side of the country."

"What about what I want?" My guilt warped into anger to match his. "Am I supposed to base every choice I make around what's convenient for you?"

"No, Kim," he spat, "but if you _actually_ care about someone, you're supposed to consider their feelings and talk about big decisions, because that's how relationships work."

"Then maybe we have different opinions on how relationships work," I snapped.

Jared stared at me, shocked, as if he was giving me time to take back my words. I didn't. Jared went from completely still to shaking so violently that it looked like he was vibrating. Then the rage on his face broke into a sudden flash of panic, and he turned and ran. He threw open the door and raced down the stairs. I heard the front door open so I knew he made it outside before he phased. I didn't get up. I just put my head in my hands and cried.

* * *

The next morning I stared at my phone screen, scrolling through the string of texts that I'd sent to Jared. He had not responded to any. I sent the first one last night and the last one ten minutes ago.

Me: _I'm sorry please come back._

Me: _Jared please, I'm really sorry please can we talk?_

Me: _I know you're upset but can we talk about this?_

Me: _Are you awake?_

Me: _Let me know when you get this!_

It seemed our situation from last year had reversed. I felt especially guilty for not responding to his texts the last time we had fought. It hadn't even been a day yet and it already sucked.

I'd been rehearsing what to say. _What's four years when we have forever?_ Or, _I'll come back on breaks and you can come visit me in New York._ Or, _we can talk on the phone every night._ But I knew it wouldn't be the same. There was no way that I could move to the other side of the country, go to college while he was essentially stuck, frozen in place and time by circumstances outside of his control, without driving a wedge between us. I needed a plan for damage control, fast, but I was coming up blank.

As the day wore on my mood soured even further as I went from sadness and guilt to anger. _How could he hold this against me? Why couldn't we talk about this without him giving me the cold shoulder or literally exploding?_ I tapped my palm with the back of a fork over and over as I watched a cup of mac and cheese revolve in the microwave when I heard my phone ping. I lunged for it but felt heavy disappointment when I read the text.

Lauren: _Ur coming 2nite right?_

I scowled and dropped my phone on the table, but then it pinged again. I frowned at the screen.

Lauren: _Come early k? I need someone fun 2 start the party ;)_

I bit my lip. I wasn't in a fun, party starting mood. I'd been a wreck all day, swaying from sad to anxious to mad and back again, but I really wanted a distraction. And a drink.

Me: _Sure. What time?_

Lauren: _Yay come now!_

Me: _Ok if I sleep over tonight?_

Lauren: _Sure!_

I ditched my mac and cheese, threw on a black dress that both mom and Jared hated because it was short and low cut, threw on some makeup and got in the car. I pulled up in front of Lauren's minutes later.

"Kim!" She cheered as she threw open the door. "Record timing. And cute dress!"

"Thanks!" I said, attempting a smile. "I like your top!"

"No Jared tonight?" She asked.

"No."

Her eyes widened at my expression. "What's wrong babe, you guys in a fight?"

"Yeah maybe," I said.

"You wanna talk?"

"Not really," I said, but then I thought about it. "Actually can we?" She nodded. I sighed. "Maybe you can tell me if I'm being crazy." I relayed the conversation to her as accurately as I could remember.

"Ooh Columbia?" she asked. "Congrats! And yeah that sounds real tough, Kim."

"What do you think I should do?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I mean what can you do really? You really never talked about it with him before?" I shook my head. "That's tough. I mean Matt and I were always on the same page. We're breaking up at the end of the summer."

My mouth fell open. "You planned it?"

"Well it's not like we have it on a calendar or something," she laughed. "But we talked about it. I don't want to be tied down to someone. I want a real college experience. Matt wants the same. We're lucky I guess. Some people try long-distance at first but you know how that goes." I didn't. "Sorry, Kim. I'm guessing Jared didn't take it well?" I shook my head. "So… are you guys like broken up now? Or-"

The doorbell rang before I could respond. "Sorry, one sec!" She ran to answer it. "Matt!" She squealed. I went to make myself a drink. My mind was spinning. Did Jared think I was breaking up with him last night? I tried to remember exactly what we'd both said. Would he want to break up with me if I left? I hadn't thought of that. Was Lauren right about long-distance being hopeless? Even in my fantasies, I had come to terms with the thought of Jared and I being apart while I was at school. It just wasn't feasible for him to be there. But I hadn't considered that if I chose Columbia I might be giving him up forever.

We were supposedly soulmates, bound by magic I didn't understand. He'd said so. He'd always been so certain that I felt certain just by his confidence. But now doubts were creeping in. Too impatient to wait for the drink I'd mixed to kick in, I took a shot and immediately followed it with another. Then I chased those with the drink I'd just made. I couldn't even taste the alcohol in it after that, so I poured a little more vodka in. Anything to quiet my panicked thoughts.

"Kim?" I turned around. Then scowled.

"Oh, hey Eli," I said, coolly. I wasn't overly excited to see the would-be-prom-date that stood me up the day of. "What brings you back to Forks?"

He shrugged. "Spring break."

"And you're spending it here?" I asked, dryly. "I'm so sorry."

"Haha," he said. "Where's the boyfriend tonight?"

"Out with friends," I said.

"Damn shame," Eli nodded. "He's out with friends and you're here, looking like this." He smirked as he gestured vaguely to my outfit, which I was now regretting.

"Yep. Excuse me." I pushed past him back into the living room. I looked for someone else to talk to. I scanned the room and it wasn't looking good. There were only a few people here. I was regretting committing to sleeping over. I was so tired that I felt dizzy and I just wanted to be home. Then I spotted Mike. I'd never been so happy to see him.

"Hey Kim," he said. "How's it going?"

"Good," I lied.

"Hey do you know if Bella is coming?" he asked.

"Not sure," I said. I was relieved to be talking about something other than where Jared was. "But probably not. This isn't really her scene, you know?"

"Yeah I guess." He frowned. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot," I said.

"What's the deal with her and that guy, Jacob? Are they like, together?" He asked. "I thought they were fighting, but now she's spending all her time with him again."

"I honestly don't know," I said. "I know he's into her. And they do spend a lot of time together, but I don't think they're technically dating."

"Huh," he said. He seemed to cheer up at my assessment. We chatted for a little while longer, but I didn't want to get stuck with him so I finished my drink and used that as an excuse to escape and make myself another. In the kitchen, I spilled a little vodka on the counter and hastily mopped it up.

"Kim!" I turned around.

"Jess!" I cried, relieved to see a friendly face. She hugged me.

"Oh my god, you look amazing!"

"Thank you!" I said. "You do too!" Then I noticed Quil beside her. "H-hey cuz."

He glared at me, saying nothing. I blinked hard, trying to clear my head, but it didn't make a difference. I couldn't think of anything to say. Jess looked back and forth between us, eyes wide. I hadn't told her that Quil and I weren't speaking, and based on her expression I guessed that he hadn't told her either.

"Where's your boyfriend?" He asked, coldly.

"He's not here," I said.

"Out with _friends_?" Quil sneered.

Jess looked from me to Quil and back, eyes wide. "I'll give you guys some space." She stepped around Quil to escape the kitchen.

"No, it's fine," Quil said, glaring at me before following Jess out of the room. "I don't have anything to say to her." They disappeared, and then I was alone.

I didn't remember what happened next, but somehow I made it to the couch. I remembered sulking, dizzy and completely miserable. I thought about going up to Lauren's room, but then I remembered Matt was here, so I had to wait for the couch. I sulked, just trying to remain upright until people left so I could go to sleep. I remembered Eli was sitting next to me, though I didn't remember why, or for how long. I vaguely remembered his hand on my bare leg, but I could have imagined it. He was talking to Matt but I didn't remember anything about their conversation. Then, I vividly remembered throwing up on Lauren's carpet.

"Fuck," Matt gasped.

"No Kim!" Lauren whined. She and Eli hauled me up and helped me stumble to the bathroom. Lauren got me water. "Aw you were doing so well before!" Eli said something I didn't hear. Then, a little later I heard Lauren whisper to him, "yeah she's having a rough night. I think she and Jared just broke up."

I heard a soft cry as she said it, and then realized the sound had come from me. It hurt just to hear her speak the words.

"Oh shit," Eli said. I didn't remember how long I was in that bathroom. I didn't remember leaving, but I remembered standing by the door, held up by Eli, in front of Lauren.

"I can drive her home," Eli said to Lauren.

"You sure?" She asked.

"Yeah," Eli said. "I'm sober. No problem."

"You are a _lifesaver_ ," she said. "Thank you so much." She turned to me, pouting sympathetically. "Feel better Kim!"

I didn't like this plan. For some reason it made me really uneasy. But I couldn't find the words. I just blinked at her. She smiled.

Next thing I knew, I was in Eli's car, and he was laughing.

"Jesus, fuck!" He gasped, still laughing. "You are _out_ of it!" I realized his hand was up my skirt.

"No, no," I stuttered as I frantically tried to push him away. He didn't seem to care. Tears sprang in my eyes as I tried to hit or kick, but I felt slow, weak, clumsy, as if my arms and legs were under water. He was laughing harder now as he wrestled me, pinning both my wrists in one of his hands. He wanted one of his hands free.

"Relax, Kim," he said, "we're celebrating."

"Stop!" I screamed. He moved his free hand under my bra.

The driver side door flew open and Eli was dragged out. "What the fuck?!" Someone yelled. "What the fuck?!"

_Jared?_ I blinked, shocked, but as my vision cleared, I realized it was Quil. He punched Eli in the side of the head. Eli collapsed onto the ground. Quil swore again.

"Kim? Kim?" Jess was there in the car next to me. "Oh my god Kim." I wanted to tell her that I was ok, but I was sobbing and couldn't find the words. She pulled down my skirt and adjusted my dress. "Are you hurt? Kim? Oh my god." She started crying too. The last thing I remember from that night was Jess's hand on my cheek, her thumb brushing away tears, lying, softly, that everything was going to be ok.

I woke up at home. Someone had left a trashcan next to me, but it looked like my aim last night was sub par. I grimaced, head throbbing as I went to clean it up, but then I started retching again and gave up.

I was still in that same dress. I stripped it off and chucked it in the hamper, but then I thought about it and threw it in the trash instead. I never wanted to see it again.

I found Quil sleeping on the couch. He looked up when I stepped in. I froze, not sure what to say. _Sorry? Thank you?_

"Are you ok?" he asked.

I nodded, even though I wasn't. "Thanks," I said softly. "For getting me home and...everything."

"Yeah," he said. He looked concerned. "You're...you're really ok?" he asked, his brow furrowing. "Jess said she heard you broke up with Jared." I shook my head. Lauren must have texted her this morning. I had to find my phone.

"No, we just had a fight," I said.

"Is that why you were drinking so much last night?" Quil asked. "Is that why you were so upset?" I didn't say anything. "What did he say to you!?" Quil demanded. I shook my head. Quil's voice softened. "Kim, do you want me to call somebody? Like your mom or anyone?" I felt the tears come back. I shook my head. Call somebody? I didn't want anyone to know. Quil and Jess knowing was bad enough. "I can stay around-"

Someone knocked on the door.

"I'll get it," Quil said. I sat on the couch after he got up and put my head between my knees. I heard voices from the doorway. Whatever the conversation was, it was taking longer than I would have expected. I got up and crept closer.

"Not a great time, Jared," I heard Quil say. I froze, stomach lurching.

"Is she still asleep?" Jared asked. He sounded annoyed. "Look, she said she wanted to talk, she was texting me like all day yesterday-"

"I said it's not a good time," Quil snapped, "I'll let her know you stopped by."

"Look Quil, I don't care whether _you_ think it's a good time or not, ok? I'm not here for you. Is she home or not? I'll wait around if she's sleeping-"

"No, you won't!" Quil snapped. I flinched. I didn't want them to fight. I couldn't take anymore. "I _said_ she doesn't want to talk to you."

"Quil, it's ok," I said. They both turned to look at me.

"Kim," Jared said, his annoyed expression faded to concern, probably because I was obviously in rough shape. "Can we talk?"

"I-" I shut my eyes. I was in no shape to talk, but now would have to do. If I sent him away it would make things worse, especially if Lauren was telling the whole town we'd broken up. I shook my head as I scrambled to remember what I'd planned to say. "Yeah," I said, "just a minute."

"Are you fucking serious!?" Quil spat. "You're going to _talk_? Are you going to tell him what happened last night because of how upset you were?"

"Stop talking," I begged. I didn't want Jared to know yet. Not like this. Not ever. Quil's entire body shook. "Jared didn't have anything to do with it."

"Do with what?" Jared asked. "What happened?!"

"You're defending him?!" Quil snarled. He turned on me, shaking violently. He was so angry, but his voice broke, moving closer to a sob. "You're _seriously_ going to keep on acting like he's fucking _perfect_ , well where the _fuck_ was he last night-" Jared grabbed Quil's arm and pulled him away from me. Quil turned and threw a punch at Jared, but Jared caught his wrist, and dragged him outside, towing him around toward the back of the house. I got up and followed, stumbling after them from several paces behind. I heard snarling and thumping a little ways ahead in the woods.

Quil had finally joined the pack. I'd never guessed that I would be the catalyst. I walked back inside, trying to forget that werewolves could read each other's minds when they were in wolf form, meaning right now, Jared was seeing everything that happened last night through Quil's eyes. I went back to the couch, lay down, and closed my eyes and pressed my palms over my ears in a desperate attempt to force out every every memory and feeling in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I know this was a heavy one to read. It was hard to write. I was compelled to write it because the scene where Bella is stalked and nearly assaulted in the first Twilight book doesn't sit well with me. I don't like that it was just one unfortunate event in a slew of many to befall poor Bella, where Edward can swoop in and save her, just to show how strong and capable and dateable he is. I hate how quickly a traumatic event segued into a romantic evening, and how immediately it was forgotten.
> 
> I also don't like the way that scene perpetuated the generalization that I, and probably many other young teens reading Twilight held of sexual assault is the kind of crime that only happens in back alleys, committed by faceless bad men on random women who walk alone at night. While this kind of assault does happen, this generalization diminishes the experiences of most victims who were attacked by an acquaintance, friend, or family member. Sexual assault is a vanity crime, committed by people who are steeped in entitlement, motivated and poisoned by toxic masculinity, and who feel threatened by and/or wronged by their victims. The blame in back alley assaults is clear cut, but for some reason, outside of alleyways, the focus is too often wrongfully shifted to the victim, on what they were wearing, where they were, and how much they were drinking. Too often we ask what victims did or did not do to keep themselves safe, and not why their attacker chose to commit assault in the first place.
> 
> On average, 1 in 6 women in America will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime, but certain groups are at higher risk. Trans people are at higher risk than gender conforming people. Men are at higher risk while in college and prisons. Some races are at higher risk than others. Indigenous women are at the highest risk in the US. 1 in 3 indigenous women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime, with 90% of assaults on indigenous women being committed by non-indigenous men. (US Department of Justice and RAINN)
> 
> If this chapter reminded you of your own life, you are not alone. If you live in the US, RAINN has a sexual assault hotline and an online chat available 24/7. If you don't live in the US, look up sexual assault support services in your country. Seek support, comfort, and love. You deserve it all.
> 
> If you want to help, there is a lot you can do. First, if a friend confides in you and shares their story, listen. Offer love and support. Also, have conversations with friends about consent. Hold friends accountable if they make sexist jokes, slut shame, or victim blame. Lastly, if you are in a position to do so, consider donating to RAINN and other organizations combatting sexual assault, human trafficking, or domestic violence. (I can't post links here, which is dumb, but I trust your internet skills)
> 
> Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now. You are all loved.


	16. Here to Save You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Violence (nothing gory) and discussions of sexual assault

I must have fallen asleep. Jared was there when I woke up, sitting on the other side of the couch with his head tipped back against the wall. He looked over at me when I started moving, eyes bloodshot, expression grim. I locked eyes with him but after a moment it became so painful to look at him that I pulled my eyes away.

"How're you feeling?" he asked.

"Not nearly as fabulous as I look," I mumbled. He didn't laugh.

"What can I do?" he asked.

"Do?" I shook my head. "I need some water." I meant to get it myself, but Jared was already in the kitchen by the time I'd sat up. He handed me the glass. "Thanks." I sipped it slowly, head still throbbing.

"I'm serious Kim," he said. "I uh-I saw what Quil saw." I kept my eyes on my water glass. I tried to keep my expression neutral but I could feel that I was failing. "Let me know what you want us to do about it." Jared spoke slowly and deliberately. "We could... make him sorry."

I shivered when he said the word _we_. "He barely touched me."

"You might not remember," he said, softly. "I should have been there."

"I remember enough, and it's not your job," I said. Then I groaned. "I shouldn't have drank so much."

"It's not your fault. I'm serious Kim. Let me know if you want us to do something about it."

"Can you turn back time?" My voice sounded so bleak, that he flinched. He didn't say anything, and I instantly felt guilty for pouring the helpless feeling I was weighed down with on Jared. "I'm sorry, I just, I don't want you involved."

"I don't mind."

"What would you be willing to do?"

He looked intense. "Anything."

"Then can we pretend the last two days didn't happen?" My voice broke. "Just for a little bit?"

He watched me his face tight for a moment but eventually he nodded. We settled on the couch. He wrapped his arms around me. We didn't talk.

That afternoon I finally tracked down and charged my phone. When I turned it on it was flooded with texts.

Jess: _Hey Kim, thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok! Let me know if you need anything! Here for you!_

Lauren: _Kim, I'm soooo sorry! I cannot BELIEVE what that disgusting bag of shit did! He's dead to me and everyone else too. Call me when ur awake ok? Love._

Angela: _Jess told me what happened. I'm so sorry. Let me know if you need someone to talk to._

Bella: _Jess told me what happened. I'm here for you! Let me know if you need company._

Quil: _Hey l_ _et me know how ur doing._

Quil: _Also sorry for being such a dick before_

Quil: _Also not relevant but I can't believe you didn't tell me! I'm crazy fast now cuz, this werewolf thing kind of rules._

Quil: _We can't hang out for a while. I still explode when I get mad. It's crazy. But let's talk on the phone._

Tears welled in my eyes as I read the messages. I wanted to feel grateful that they were trying to be supportive but mostly I was mortified. I would rather no one knew what happened. My breathing sped. How was I supposed to pretend that last night never happened if everyone knew about it? My throat felt tighter as I texted them all back. I thanked them all, but asking them to keep this between us.

Jared stayed with me. He spent the night, made food and watched me eat it. He didn't ask hard questions, didn't bring up Columbia or last night or other things I wanted to forget. When he had to run the next day, he drove me over to Emily's. I sulked in the car, resentful of the implication that I needed to be babysat, but he was adamant. Said it was work related. I thought that was bullshit, but when we got there, Bella was there too, and I started to wonder if maybe he was telling the truth. Emily wouldn't let me sulk. She recruited Bella and I to make banana bread with her. Apparently it was a three person project.

The next day, Jared asked if I'd given any more thought as to what I wanted to do about Eli. I shuddered and told him I didn't want to talk about it. He frowned.

"The council might want to know if you have a decision," he said after a cautious pause.

_The council knows?!_ "I don't need to make a decision," I sighed. "He's only home for a few more days. He's going back to school. It's not like I'll have to worry about bumping into him around town." I shuddered as I thought about it. Thank god he'd graduated. Jared made a face.

"What?"

"It's just," Jared bit his lip. "He's at college right?" I nodded. "What if he does it to someone else?" I went cold. I hadn't even thought of that. I didn't want revenge. All I wanted was to forget. To unwind the clock and skip just one of Lauren's parties. And if that wasn't possible, I just didn't ever want to see him again. But he probably _would_ hurt someone else if I did nothing. Still, I hated the ideas of setting the pack on him. Not that I didn't like the idea of him being scared, I just didn't want it to be my friends scaring him. I didn't want them anywhere near him. It was bad enough that they all saw what had happened from Quil's perspective. And I knew I was lucky that my friends were taking my side, but I couldn't turn back time. No one would forget. And the more the people who cared about me knew, the less they would see me the way they did before. At best they'd see me as a helpless victim, at worst a drunk idiot. Or a slut.

I did some googling at home while Jared showered down the hall, looking at other options. I looked into filing a police report, but blanched at the idea of getting Lauren in trouble. She'd been hosting. We'd all been drinking. On top of that, I dreaded the thought of reliving that night with strangers who, based on most of the horror stories I was reading online would probably ask me what I'd been wearing and how much I'd had to drink. It was bad enough being a victim. It would be infinitely worse to be blamed for it.

Jared stayed with me whenever he could, but he still had a vampire to track. He didn't drive me to Emily's, but I realized I felt better with people around. So whenever he left, I hung out with Jess or Lauren or Bella. I hung out with Emily too. Angela was traveling but she called me from California. I thought about my options. Why weren't there any good options? I thought about sending an anonymous email to his school. I thought about telling his mom. I thought about egging his house. I was coming up with fantasies easily, but grasping at straws when it came to solutions. There wasn't one.

By Wednesday, I felt the overwhelming urge to break something, but I couldn't think of a way to do that legally, so I went to the beach to throw rocks. It wasn't as fun as it was with Jared, and far less satisfying than I'd thought it would be. I even tried screaming as I threw one, but it didn't feel like a release. If anything I was angrier leaving the beach than I'd been when I arrived.

When I got back to my car I scowled. Someone had parked right behind me, blocking my way out. Then my skin went cold when I recognized the car, and the person standing next to it. He glared at me.

"You've got a lot of nerve," Eli spat. Quil had given him quite a bruise, a nasty dark purple shape blooming across most of his cheek. My heart pounded and my fingers went numb. There was no one else on the beach. No one within shouting distance. My phone was in the glove compartment in my car. And if I ran and he chased me, what then?

"Move your car," I said, trying to keep my voice level, as I walked around to the driver side of my car. "You're blocking me." I tried not to show any fear, but my hands trembled as I opened the car door. He closed the distance between us in a second and slammed the door shut.

"That's kind of the point, Kim," he said. I took a shaking step back and he took two steps forward. I backed away from him and he followed. I tripped and caught myself on the hood of my car, then kept backing away. I couldn't breathe. "You _really_ fucked things up for me. Your _psycho_ friends have been going around, telling everyone I _attacked_ you. Even Matt and Tyler are acting like I'm some kind of rapist, which is just _bullshit,_ because you were asking for it all night and I _barely_ touched you! And then, your big Indian friend _attacked_ me." He pointed to the violet bruise on his cheek.

I'd backed into the trees now, numb with fear, but he was still gaining on me. I tripped again and this time fell on my back. I tried to scramble to my feet but he kicked me in the side. I coughed, my vision clouding for a moment, then cried out when he planted his foot on my shoulder. I cried and started to shake.

He leaned down, putting all his weight on my shoulder and sneered at me. "You and your friends are going to ruin my life, spreading these shit lies about me," he hissed. "You're going to pay for what you did." I grabbed his ankle, trying to shove his foot off of my shoulder. He teetered and fell. I tried to scramble away but he grabbed my belt. I screamed and tried to kick. He punched me in the side of the head. My vision clouded for longer this time. Everything seared in white. I tasted blood in my mouth. The trees around me shimmered before eventually coming back into focus. I screamed again as I tried to pull away, but I the force behind the sound waned. "Don't even try," he grunted, pinning my hands again. Again. "No one's here to save you now."

He was right. No one was here. I was so alone. I started to shake. This person, who had already taken too much, wanted to take more. My fear transformed into something else. Gone was the fear of the judgement of strangers, the desire to just let him slip away and bury the guilt of letting him go, free to hurt someone else. I wanted to set the cops on him. Set the pack on him. I wanted to burn him to the ground. Rage, hot and strong filled me. I could feel it, heating my chest and head then filling me from my fingers to my toes. Somehow it grew from there, seeming to expand even after I had been filled. I wondered how my body could possibly contain that much anger. Heat. My shaking intensified, speeding to a violent tempo. Shocked, I realized what was happening.

Eli froze. "Why are you smiling?" He asked, a flicker of fear flashing in his eyes for the first time.

"Because no one's here to save you either."

I phased.

It was more painful than I'd thought it would be; more painful than being punched in the head. Kind of like that, but all over my body, mixed with a feeling of every inch of my skin being stretched. Torn. Jared and his friends did this every day. Did it hurt this much every time?

Seconds later, the pain faded and my senses immediately heightened. Eli was thrown off of me as I transformed. I stood on four legs, heard the rustle of every leaf beneath him as he tried to scramble away from me, terror laid plain on his face. I realized with wonder that I could even hear his heartbeat, speeding and stuttering. I could smell his fear.

I leapt on him, thrilled by the power hidden in my coiled muscles, and then by the sound of the air being forced from his lungs when I landed. My front paws were so massive that I had to keep them tightly together to fit them both on his broad chest. I could have easily pinned him with one paw if I'd wanted to. He struggled, weeping, trying to push me off, but I barely felt his hands batting at my paws. Every shred of his strength was nothing compared to even a fraction of mine. I leaned in and snarled in his face, savoring the terror in his expression that amplified as I got close.

_Kim stop!_ I froze, shocked. I wasn't hearing that. My senses were so clear, my ears so finely attuned to my immediate surroundings. It was coming from inside my head. And it sounded like Sam. Then I remembered. Werewolves could hear each other's thoughts when in wolf form. And the pack was all out today, chasing the female. I felt the others, who were all wordless in shock. It seemed that out of everyone, I was the least surprised by what had just happened. I vaguely heard Paul thinking, _a girl?! A girl?!_ Over and over, like a record skipping. I felt someone panicking? Embry? Then sorrow. _Cuz?_ Quil was there too, his thoughts half a question, half a lament. He'd been worried about me.

I had an audience. Did I care? Yes, I supposed I did, but not enough to let that stop me. _Stop! Kim stop!_ Sam's voice was louder now, firm in my head, but it paled in comparison to my rage. I studied my claws. So sharp and tempting. Lethal. One swipe maybe? I imagined raking one paw down his face, and the marks that would leave. I considered the right amount of force. Not enough to kill him, just enough to leave an ugly scar. I just wanted him to look a little uglier on the outside, to reveal just a hint of the grotesqueness hiding beneath. Wouldn't that be fair? He should look at least as ugly as Emily, I reasoned, who'd done nothing wrong. I felt a sudden flash of intense sorrow. Sam's, I realized. Not my own. I pushed the unwelcome feeling aside and raised one massive paw.

_Kim._ I froze. It was Jared. His thoughts were soft, pleading. My heart ached and my rage subsided, just by a fraction, but it was enough for me to realize that I could see through his eyes. He was running, sprinting through the forest towards the beach. Towards me.

_Please Kim._ I was mesmerized by the trees that flew by him as he ran, but Jared paid them no mind. His thoughts were on me. _There's no going back,_ he thought. _If you do something, you have to live with it. You don't get to take anything back._ I wasn't worried about that. I didn't think I would regret hurting him, but I realized, as I felt Jared there in my mind, that I couldn't bear for him to see me do this. What if he never looked at me the same way? I wanted so badly to get even, but was I willing to give up _that_?

A sudden reeking smell distracted me. Urine. _Oh gross, he peed himself!_ I felt a chorus of mental laughter, mostly from Quil. Somehow that was enough. A small shred of justice in an unjust world. I sighed and stepped off Eli.

Eli didn't move for a moment, petrified in fear, but then he scuttled away like a crab, got to his feet, tripped, got up again, and ran. I heard his car start and his tires squeal as he sped away.

I was confused to feel an enormous wave of relief wash over me, but then I realized that this relief wasn't my own. The relief belonged to the others. My pack. I felt what they felt. Then, to my surprise, slowly but undeniably, I felt a gentler relief that was entirely my own. I couldn't explain where it came from. Couldn't put the feeling into words. Eventually I realized, that in spite of what he had done, I hadn't let Eli turn me into a monster. It was an odd realization to have while standing on all fours, hyper-aware of my tail for the first time, but I realized that I was still me. Capable of quick thinking, optimism, and mercy. I had not-I would not let anyone take that from me. Least of all Eli. He'd taken enough.


	17. Mostly Fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thought I would post a little bonus chapter this week! How did people feel about the twist last time? Hope it wasn't too...twisty? Also, I'm a few days late, but happy Indigenous Peoples' Day!

_I don't know, team,_ I thought, doubting myself moments later. _What if he tells someone? Maybe I should've… vanished him?_

_Vanished him?_ Jacob asked. He thought that was an odd way to put it. I didn't really understand how I could tell who was who. Thoughts didn't have voices, not really. More of a mental tone. But somehow it was remarkably easy in this space to match thoughts to their owners. Even easier than matching voices to speakers.

_Right,_ I thought back. _Kill him, I mean, but also I would have had to hide the body. Dispose of the evidence and such._ I pictured rolling his body, wrapped in trash bags of course, off the back of a truck into a swamp, with dramatic swells of orchestral music in the background.

_Yikes,_ thought Paul. _Someone watches too many serial killer shows._

I realized with a flash of panic that the rest of the pack could see my internal montages. I would have to keep those under wraps somehow.

_What?_ I thought. _There's good tips in there. I watch for research purposes._ It was obvious in my thoughts that I was kidding. Even more obvious than it would have been when I was speaking. Thoughts, and the intention behind the thoughts were plain. There were a few nervous mental chuckles. Not laughter so much, just the feeling of it without the sound. It was easier to call it laughter though. I wasn't sure what else I would call it. Mirth?

I realized I could dig a little deeper if I wanted to. Sense quieter-no quiet wasn't the right word-more like, less pertinent thoughts. Thoughts that weren't put into words or meant to be communicated. I could sense that each of them were shocked that I had phased, and now pondered what it meant for the pack, and how uncomfortable it would be now that a girl had joined.

_Ugh you're right!_ The sarcasm in my thoughts resonated clearly. _Sorry for crashing boy-time, my dudes! What a drag!_ I wasn't particularly sorry, possibly because I had little respect for the sanctity of boy-time, and partly because I was flushed with poorly concealed excitement at the prospect of finally being in the inner circle of unspoken office drama. Besides, the idea that only men could assume a lupine-alter-ego and hunt and kill bloodthirsty monsters was _so_ 1950s. I could tell that Quil thought that was funny, but I could feel annoyance from some of the others. My fur bristled. _Hey_ _if anyone's to blame, it's Eli, for filling me with such a... masculine rage_. That was met with mumbles of silent agreement especially from Quil, and from Jared, who in spite of cautioning me against killing him, seemed to hate him even more than I did. That hatred rippled through the rest of the pack, the feeling magnifying as it passed through the pack, ruffling fur as it went. Quil remembered saving me that night. It was almost worse from his perspective, seeing me like that. Not quite, but almost. I shuddered, trying not to think of how it had been from my perspective. I felt the chorus of sympathy, grief, and anger from the pack anyway.

A new understanding of the pack dawned on me. How they supported each other. How they so easily reached agreements. How they functioned as a group. Why they seemed to move in perfect synchronization, as if they were one body instead of six.

_Or seven?_ My thoughts sounded like a question, even to myself. I almost felt like I was intruding, like an outside observer as opposed to a true member. It didn't help that I could feel Sam speculating as to why his orders hadn't worked on me. As the alpha, I shouldn't have been able to ignore him when he told me to back off. I thought it was because I was so mad that I had been able to tune him out.

_Shouldn't have mattered,_ Sam thought.

I sensed that Jared was getting closer. I traced his path in my mind as he raced through the trees. I started to step towards him. It was so strange at first, moving on four legs, but the moment I found the rhythm, I picked up the pace. In no time I was amazed at how fast I could move. Even then, I knew I'd only reached a fraction of my potential speed when I saw Jared.

We slowed to a stop in front of each other. I hadn't seen him as a wolf since that one time he had phased in front of me, close to when we had started dating. He looked the same, thick, dark grey fur and a massive build. But then I remembered that he shouldn't seem so enormous now. I was a wolf too now. Shouldn't we be the same size? I guess it sort of made sense-he was bigger than me when we were human too-but the difference was even more apparent now. He was at least two feet taller than me, when we were on all fours. Then I saw what I looked like through Jared's eyes.

I was far from the terrifying beast I'd pictured myself to be. I was _small,_ at least compared to Jared. My fur was stark white, the color of snow, and I was impossibly fluffy. I looked like a giant cotton ball, perched on narrow, pin-like legs. The only features that were visible were my dark eyes and nose. My ears weren't even visible. They were completely buried in fur. _Oh my god,_ I thought in horror, _I'm adorable._

_You're so small!_ Jared's thoughts were practically a giggle. I could tell he was enjoying this. The others thought it was funny too.

_Why am I so fluffy?!_ I wailed, surprised when the sound came out as something close to a howl.

_It's based on how long your hair is,_ Jared explained. _That's why we all cut ours short. You can cut it if you want._ We were both picturing me with short hair. I would look like a boy if I cut it that short, but this fluff was really too much. Maybe there was a middle ground. Bob cut or something. Or a bowl cut. I giggled internally as I pictured it. I would look like Jim Carrey. Or one of the Beatles.

_You might want to think twice on that,_ Jared advised. _You'll probably be even smaller after a haircut. I think you're mostly fluff._ Jared stepped closer and snuffled around near my face.

_What are you doing?_ I demanded. His breath moved my fur around. _That tickles!_

_Just wondering if there are ears under there,_ he thought with a silent giggle. _I can't see them._

_This is so unfair,_ I groaned, plopping down on the ground.

Jared traced the direction of my thoughts until he understood. _You wanted to look scary?_

_Yes! I wanted to look scary!_ I howled again. _Why can't I be the badass kind of werewolf? You get to look big and scary. I look like an overgrown Maltese! Like you should all call me Snowball or something. I can't believe that poo-bag Eli was scared of_ this _._ I looked down at my paws. They were still huge, but far less intimidating next to Jared's. _How embarrassing for him. Like being scared of a poodle._

_Well, a person who turned into a poodle,_ Quil interjected. _I can see why that would be a little freaky._

I thought about how it had happened. What I'd said before I transformed. I guess it was a little badass.

_You knew what was happening before you transformed?_ Sam asked.

_Yeah,_ I thought. _Because it was just like how you all described it._ Also I had Quileute blood. My mom was an Ateara, just like Quil.

_But you're a girl,_ Paul thought, just confused. There was no mention of female werewolves, in any of the stories. Maybe I was the first? Of course I probably wasn't. It wouldn't be the first time women were left out of the narrative. They all thought about that. None of them had considered that possibility before. Typical. Just went to show how badly they needed a girl on their team. This was met with a lot of disgruntled thoughts.

_Plan?_ Jacob asked. They had been following the female's trail, an effort which I had interrupted. Sam was considering doubling back towards town for the day. Jared strongly seconded that opinion. For some reason, he really wanted to get me home. I could tell he did not like the thought of me joining the fight. Ever.

I scowled at that, irritated by the implication that I wouldn't be capable of helping. I expected Jared to back down, or clarify, or even double down, but he just tried to keep his mind quiet. He was trying not to think about me at all, and failing. Curious, I tried to figure out why. I prodded a bit, pushing into his mind, and his clear discomfort about the thought of me chasing the female with the pack. Jared continued to fight against my mental intrusion. _Please?_ I asked. He sighed, then stopped trying to hold me away. His thoughts flooded through me and I was floored.

In addition to my endless, fruitless speculations on werewolf and vampire physiology, I'd also given a good bit of thought to imprinting and what caused it. I'd tried many times to imagine what Jared might feel for me. What Sam felt for Emily. What getting rawked felt like, and why it happened in the first place. Jared had told me it was like finding your soulmate, and knowing instantly; love at first sight. I knew it was strong enough to convince Sam to break up with Leah after a three year relationship so he could be with Emily, after just one meeting. For Jared to not be able to take his eyes off me. Jared had described it as gravity once, which I remembered thinking was cute but super cheesy. I remembered speculating that it was some kind of a pheromone signal, just more precise and much stronger than signals for humans, which I thought could be explained by his heightened sense of smell. I'd imagined it as an elevated, more extreme spark of attraction, nothing more, as at the time, I didn't believe in love at first sight.

But there was nothing within my understanding of any field of science-biology, chemistry, or physics-that could explain what Jared felt for me. Not imprinting, or pheromones, or even gravity. Planets and stars in the vacuum of space drifted towards each other on the basis of proximity and mass. But the pull on Jared was greater than a planetary drift, and wasn't influenced by mass and distance. It wasn't physics. It wasn't chemistry either. Chemistry could cause the initial spark of attraction, so it was my first guess. But love happened over time. The spark was usually weak, and the flame had to be delicately kindled, carefully over long periods of time. That's why in the real world, soulmates were made, not found. But Jared and I, against all laws of science, had started with a roaring bonfire, one that at first only he could see, but that I could see more and more of every day. Getting rawked could be something else entirely. Something not currently within our collective realm of scientific understanding.

I thought of Alice Cullen, who could see every possibility and eventuality unfold in her mind, and as a result, could understand the benefit and cost of every choice she ever made. Perfect clarity. Clairvoyance. Jared and Sam were not clairvoyant-they couldn't predict the future any better than anyone else-but I couldn't help but make the comparison. Because when Jared saw me on the beach that day it wasn't a chemical signal that drove him towards me, it was _recognition_. It was as if he had somehow seen our entire lives unfold, as if he had experienced every moment we would have together, every kiss and fight and tender moment, building a fire over the years as we fell in love and grew old and eventually died together, only to be thrown back in time, stranded on a beach with no memory of the lives we'd lived together, just a roaring fire, a beacon of light guiding him to a life and love he didn't realize he'd already built.

Not science. Magic. Those words weren't so different. Science was everything that could be explained. Anything we couldn't explain, we called magic.

I could feel the others, listening to my musings. Sam thought about Emily. Jared thought about me. Both of them liked the way I described it. Sam imagined growing older, his lifetime with Emily. All seven of our interlinked minds fell quiet for a moment.

_Honestly that's what it feels like,_ Sam thought.

_I never really knew how to explain it,_ Jared admitted. _I thought you knew._

_I do now._ I was elated, seeing into his mind. It was like a massive weight was lifted off of me. I honestly thought I was floating. Never again would I worry that he would get bored of me, that his feelings for me would fade, that he would grow out of this and leave me. I couldn't believe that just days ago I was worried that he wanted to break up with me when I told him about school. Now, I could see with complete confidence that he would want to try to make _us_ work, whatever happened next, and for the rest of our lives. I felt mingled mental laughter and eye-rolls from the pack at the thought of Jared wanting to break up with me. I felt silly for panicking, and then relieved that I felt silly.

_I wanted to tell you how I felt,_ Jared insisted. _I just couldn't find the words._

I looked into his eyes. _Because there are no words._


	18. The Reckoning

"How're you feeling today, Kim?" Jared asked. I narrowed my eyes at him. I was naked, wrapped in a huge beach towel and lying on Emily and Sam's offensively yellow couch. Mom had returned from her trip, so Sam and Emily kindly lent us their house for what Sam referred to as "an adjustment" and what everyone else called "the reckoning."

For some reason Jared was smirking at me, and that smirk was infuriating. He knew I was in pain, aching from the constant fever and countless transformations, and it looked like he was enjoying it. I glared at him, teeth clenched, hands shaking. He laughed. "That bad, huh?" He raised an eyebrow. "Kim?" I gritted my teeth as the tremors spread from my hands to my shoulders. Jared sighed, scooped me off the couch like I was a sack of flour and chucked me unceremoniously out the back door. I phased before I hit the grass.

_You piece of shit!_ I growled as I spun around to leap on him. He stripped off his shorts, the only piece of clothing he'd been wearing, and phased to defend himself. I leapt on him. _Tossing me in the yard like trash when YOU are the one that pissed me off in the first place!_ I snapped my jaws at him, trying to get close enough to sink my teeth in somewhere or tear at him with my claws. He batted my attempted strikes away with one massive paw.

_Well good morning, sunshine,_ Quil greeted me. I could hear the smile in his thoughts.

_Shut up, cuz!_ I continued to grapple with Jared. _Or I'm coming for you next. I know where you live!_

_Jesus christ,_ thought Paul, laughing. _She's worse than I am!_

_I don't know dude, you set the bar pretty high,_ Embry admitted.

Jared managed to pin me down. I writhed around in the dirt, snarling at him, but I knew the fight was lost. So far I hadn't been able to break free once he'd pinned me. It didn't matter what I tried. He was just too heavy.

Although Jared usually won out little sparring matches, two days ago, I'd done some damage. I'd been cutting my hair in an effort to tone down my adorable canine fluffiness. I was going for a chic, chin length bob, nothing fancy, but I was working with kitchen scissors, and my skills left something to be desired. Every fix I tried to make turned into a bigger problem. It was longer on one side than the other, and raggedly uneven in the back. It looked like I was wearing a wig. A crooked wig that had been modified by blind barbers or feral cats. Jared opened the door at this point, and immediately burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. I phased instantly, catching him off guard that time, probably because he was laughing too hard to notice my shaking. I raked my claws across the chest before he was able to react, tearing through his shirt and his skin. The blood dripping on the floor scared me so much that I phased back almost instantly. I saw how it had looked through Jared's eyes later, as if someone had let the air out of a very fluffy balloon.

He was ok. Werewolves healed rapidly. His cuts closed in seconds. Even broken bones healed in days. I still felt bad about it though. So bad that I went outside to sit in the rain and wouldn't let him come near me. He didn't let me sulk for long. He followed me outside, and from a safe distance told me not to worry about it, because scars impressed girls. I muttered, "not when they hear that a girl gave them to you." He laughed so hard at that zinger that he had to go back inside. We both knew he couldn't protect himself when driven to hysterics by my ridiculous antics.

Since then, we'd developed a routine. When I started shaking, he'd get me outside, phase, and basically sit on me until my anger subsided enough for me to be able to phase back, which took a while, because it was infuriating to be sat on. Also to lose almost every fight you picked.

Jared sat on me, waiting patiently.

_I yield!_ A soft whine accompanied my thoughts.

_You know I can tell when you're lying right?_ Jared was enjoying himself. _You know, since we can read each other's minds and all._

_Ugh!_ I growled and started squirming around in the dirt again. _It's not fair! You win every fight!_

_Good thing too,_ Jared thought. _If I didn't, Sam and Emily might not have a house to come back to._

_Thanks Jared!_ Sam thought.

_No problem!_ Jared thought back, as he casually lay down on top of me and pretended to take a nap.

_Ugh!_ I growled again, finally giving up for real. Jared cautiously rolled off of me. _It's really not fair that you keep winning._

_I've got more practice._

_Yeah._ I allowed it. _Also you're bigger, which is cheating._

_How is that cheating?_ I was kidding and he knew it.

_But I'm faster!_ I charged off into the trees. Running had become part of our routine too because I really liked it. It was thrilling to move so fast. Jared raced after me. He might be stronger, but we had learned that I _was_ faster, which surprised everyone including me, since I was so much smaller than everyone else.

_Maybe we should help the others?_ I thought, slowing so Jared could catch up.

_Help._ Jared scoffed. _You can't even win a single fight against me. You're useless._

_What!?_ I stopped running, sat down right there, and pouted. Jared stopped too. He was debating sitting on me again, partly to prove a point, but mostly because he thought it would be funny. I glared at him, but I saw through his eyes that he was not intimidated. I used him as a mirror to work on my canine stink eye.

_You are helping,_ Sam thought, clearly exasperated by the constant distractions. _You're on the reinforcements team._

Embry and Quil were also on team 'reinforcements.' They were, however, in position, poised to strike if Jacob, Paul, and Sam were able to herd the female towards town. It didn't seem like as much was expected from Jared, whose primary responsibility was babysitting, and me, whose primary responsibility was being sat on.

_I know, but I am faster so shouldn't I be on team speed?_ I asked. I imagined me, a fluffy white bullet, captain of feminist representation, leading the chase. Snowball, they would call me: scourge of blood-thirsty monsters and also toxic masculinity.

_No,_ Sam thought, firmly.

_Not the boss of me,_ I grumbled, which momentarily distracted Sam further, as none of the others were able to talk back to orders, and he was still fixated on that. _Snowball the Bold! That's what they'll call me._

_Jesus Kim,_ Jared sighed.

_You're right, that was rude of me. Sorry, Sam._ Sam was starting to get nervous about his orders not working. According to the stories, no pack member could resist alpha orders. Beta orders had to be followed by anyone but the alpha, and so on. So, Sam speculated that if I wasn't bound to follow Sam's orders, perhaps I outranked him. I rolled my eyes at his concerns. _Possible,_ I thought, with obvious sarcasm. _I've always considered myself to be 'alpha' material. But also, I'm either the first of my kind or no one bothered to remember literally anything about my predecessors. So we will never know. Maybe I am the one true alpha and will kill you in your sleep in a mad power grab? Or maybe girls don't have to follow orders? Or maybe I personally just have sub-par listening skills? We may never know._

I, a budding scientist, had tested my alpha potential by trying to order Jared to get off of me during one of my many wrestling match losses. This was, one, unsuccessful, and two, extra fun for Jared. I'd thought this had resolved the debate, but now Sam was speculating that maybe _Jared_ , who was currently the beta of the pack might actually be the alpha, and that _I_ was actually the beta, and that he'd somehow ranked beneath both of us. I, again a budding scientist, had been goading Jared to try to order me or Sam to do something to put the theory at rest.

_Sam's working. I'm not going to bother him. And why would I have to order you to do anything?_ He teased. _It's way more fun to just overpower you._ In spite of his more vocal thoughts, inwardly he was scared to try. Historically, alpha feuds were resolved by lupine duels that ended in bloodshed and death, which Jared was hoping to avoid. He didn't want to fight anyone, and he didn't like my chances against Sam. I tried not to get riled by Jared's overwhelming lack of confidence in me.

_Wow,_ I thought. _I didn't realize we're in the 1600s! Maybe after Sir Bossy-Pants and Sir Sits-a-Lot have their medieval duel, we can go and accuse some neighbors of witchcraft for thinking the Earth is round! Fun!_

I wondered why I was so cranky. Was this part of it? Maybe it was because I was super hungry. Jared was neglecting his babysitting duties. I was probably about to faint and then immediately starve to death.

_I made breakfast!_ Jared howled indignantly at the accusation that his babysitting skills were anything less than perfection. _But you didn't have time to eat it because you were busy trying to kill me!_

_Right right._ I remembered then, but tried to brush past the embarrassment. _Mistakes were made, on both sides, mind you…_ Jared rolled his eyes at that. _But I would be perfectly happy to make peace and come together over waffles._ I hopped a little as I thought the word 'waffles.'

_I made eggs,_ Jared thought.

_That's fine, I guess._ I actually really wanted waffles right then. Maybe Jared had a waffle iron.

_Nope._

_Darn._

Gracie's Diner made great waffles. I could probably eat like seven or ten right now. But I couldn't be in public, sadly. Because of the unpredictable and dangerous transformations. Also because I was pretty much out of clothing. And also because of the totally embarrassing DIY haircut I was sporting. I usually didn't get cravings like this. Maybe this was part of the werewolf experience? Was being a werewolf like a few years of constant PMS? Was being a werewolf like being pregnant?

_Who are you asking?_ Quil laughed. Oh right. Odds were slim that any of the six dudes listening to my silent musings had ever birthed a child. Maybe Jacob though? He was baby-faced and mysterious. If anyone could achieve a biological impossibility it was him.

_What?!_ Jacob was so thrown by my assessment that he skidded to a halt.

_Focus!_ Sam scolded. _Both of you,_ he added.

_Oops._ I tried to keep my mind quiet and focus on the vampire situation, but I felt bad for thinking that just because Jacob was baby-faced and mysterious that that meant he could cheat biology. Also I couldn't stop thinking about waffles, even though those were off the table.

_God her thoughts are loud,_ Paul groaned.

_Is this what all girls' brains are like?_ Embry wondered.

_Back to the house for the next best thing?_ Jared thought, picturing the now cold eggs, which I thought would be unappetizing but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Shit, he would know though, because of the whole mind-sharing thing.

_Fine,_ I huffed, thinking about waffles.

_Tell you what,_ Jared said. _If you can make it between now and noon without phasing, I'll go buy you waffles from Gracie's._

I drooled a little at the thought, which wasn't that embarrassing because it was very hard not to drool in wolf form. But then I realized noon was four hours away, which would be impossible. Over the last few days, I'd phased about every twenty minutes while awake.

_Try though,_ Jared said. _Nothing to lose._ He tried to keep his thoughts light but I could tell how exhausted he was. I had to try for him. I wondered if I could manage to nap for four hours.

_Shit!_ It was Paul. We all watched through his eyes, frozen, as the female sped in and out of his line of site, bright red hair and shiny porcelain skin flying through the forest. Then, as if someone had flipped a switch, we were all running. Paul, Sam, and Jacob sprinted after her, fanning out in case she changed course. Sam began picturing a diagram in his head, an overhead, almost like a football playbook, of where each of us should be positioned to head her off. Jacob started making edits. Embry and Quil picked the two points closer to them, leaving the other two for Jared and I. I took a few strides towards one point, but Jared wanted me to take the other, which he thought would be a bit farther from the action. For the first time in days, I didn't fight him on it. I raced towards the farther position and he ran for the more central one.

I felt tense once I'd reached my position, like a coiled spring. The vampire was in Paul and Jacob's sights now. Sam closed in his flank. We crept forward, narrowing the gaps through which she would be able to escape. The vampire veered right. We adjusted course. We realized, just a moment too late, which gap she was aiming for.

The female shot past me, less than a hundred yards between us, and less than a hundred yards between her and Jacob. Jacob didn't slow his pursuit. I charged after her, paws pounding the earth. The rest of the pack was running full speed too, trying to catch up.

I was faster than all of them. Faster than everyone in my pack, and faster than the vampire we were hunting. I gritted my teeth as I sprinted harder, passing Jacob and gradually closing the distance between myself and our target.

_No!_ Jared's thoughts were desperate. As close as thoughts got to shouts.

_Kim stop!_ Sam ordered, but as it had in all previous attempts, his orders had no hold on me.

_Stop!_ Jared tried to make an order for the first time, but his attempt had no effect on me either. I didn't slow. I barely heard them. Something clicked in me. Maybe it was her stench, or the knowledge of what she was, the picture in my mind of the corpses she'd drained to sustain her immortal life. This was why I was here. I was only meters away.

Then something changed. My vision, which up to this point had been remarkably clear in wolf form, started to lose some of its color, and the outlines of objects started to waver. Everything was enveloped in an odd, grainy texture, and drained of color. It looked like I was in a sepia toned movie. It was as if I was looking at a world that was printed on a canvas, one that obscured my entire view, that only resembled the world I was in. I almost slowed, overwhelmed by the sight of it, but also the feeling. There was a thrumming in my ears, like rushing blood, or pounding waves. And then, as suddenly as it arose, it subsided again. First I felt the earth beneath my racing paws, then I realized, with a sudden shock that we weren't in the forest anymore. Stormy sky loomed in front of us.

_Watch out!_ This warning was basically a mental scream from all of the pack at once. I skidded to a halt just in time, sliding to a stop less than two feet away from the cliff's edge. My heart pounded. The vampire didn't slow. She leapt off the edge. I leaned over, watching her fall. When she cut into the water nearly a hundred feet below me, I traced her bright red hair under the surface until she sunk far enough beneath the white caps that I could no longer make her out.

_What now?_ I whined. _She could pop up anywhere!_

The others were thinking strategy. We could line the beach and scout for where she would pop up. I shook my head, trying to clear the remnants of the unexplained vision I'd just had, then ran to follow them.

_Not you,_ Sam thought, picturing my beautiful, fluffy self.

_Seriously?_ I whined, slowing to a stop.

_Yes._

_But-I can help!_ I insisted, though even I was starting to question that. I was the fastest, sure, but what would I do with a vampire if I caught one? I wondered what would have happened if I hadn't been distracted by that weird hallucination and actually caught up to the female. I imagined our skirmish would be short-lived. I imagined me, a literal cotton ball, leaping at her, only to be punted off the cliffs, flipping head over heels off into the sky. Majestic.

Paul appreciated my comedy. The others did not. Sam bristled. Jared panicked.

_Kim you almost died!_ He caught up to me on the cliff tops. _You realize that right?_ He swiped angrily at the ground between us, claws gouging granite into gravel. I froze. _You almost died._ He had a different much darker image in his head. He pictured me slipping over the edge of the cliff, hitting the water, and then being torn apart by the vampire, my crimson blood staining the waves. The image was so graphically imagined that I shuddered. Jared cringed both at the image and my reaction. He felt bad for upsetting me, but he couldn't stop picturing it. Like a waking nightmare.

_Fine,_ I nearly gagged. _I-I'll go back._ I darted around him, racing for the house. Something dark was dawning on me, some small sense of dread. The gravity of what I was now a part of. The novelty was fading and I didn't want to be stuck here anymore, trapped in the minds of Jared and the others, my mind laid bare for them to see. I wanted out.

_Kim._ He ran after me. I ran faster. I had almost died. I recoiled from the guilt, from the image in his mind that was now replaying in my own. I tried to breathe deeply once I reached the house. I just had to calm down, then I could phase back. Fall asleep, stay human for as long as possible and forget. But the harder I tried to slow my heartbeat, the more it sped. I couldn't breathe.

_Calm down calm downcalmdown,_ I chanted to myself. But trying to force myself to calm down was like trying not to think of something that was stuck in my mind. Impossible. I lay down, put my paws over my muzzle and tried to block out the world, but then all of the negative thoughts I'd buried rose to the surface, and all of the noise was inside my head. I tried to empty my head, aware of my audience, but thoughts bloomed in anyway. I thought about hyperventilating on the bathroom floor at school. I thought about the sound of Eli's laughter. I thought about dying.

I'd been trying not to dwell on or even acknowledge how much the others did not want me here. I was an intruder. The pack was a brotherhood that was thicker than blood, and I was an outsider. I was only half Quileute. I didn't grow up on the Rez. I was from a different world. Worse, mom had disparaged the town by acting like coming home was akin to surrender. That she was too good to live on the Rez, participate in the traditions, and send her kid to their school. And, even if only by a fraction, I'd bought into her beliefs by defining my successes on scales that weren't really my own. And by maintaining my ability to leave.

I could feel the discomfort radiating from the others at sharing the deepest contents of my mind as they scanned the waves for the vampire. They empathized to a degree, as they experienced second hand what it felt like to live between worlds, and to be an outsider in every circle you stepped into, but mostly, they offered perspective. I saw through their lives what it was like to be stuck in one world, recruited for a higher cause they didn't know existed. They didn't have the option to leave. Or the time to worry about trivial things like fitting in or making their parents proud. They had bigger problems.

_We,_ Quil corrected. _You're one of us now._

_Yeah,_ Paul thought. _Don't think we'll let you chicken out on us after one little brush with death._

Jared made it to the house. I watched myself through his eyes, touched by the sincere care he felt for the miserable pile of fur in front of him, though I didn't think his pity would help. I thought about running off into the woods where I could at least suffer out of sight, since out of mind wasn't possible. But before I could even stand, I felt a warm, massive weight on top of me, pinning me to the ground, like a weighted blanket. Jared just couldn't pass up an opportunity to sit on me, could he? For some reason it helped. I almost felt like laughing. The negative thought spiral I was trapped in was broken, and in moments I was human again.

He rolled off me. I sat up, dazed by the merciful quiet that greeted me. No thoughts other than my own. Jared was pointedly not looking at me. I was confused at first but then I remembered that the others were probably watching from his perspective, and I was naked. I hugged him anyway, though my arms couldn't reach far around. He let out a low whine.

"Not gonna lie," I said. "I had a rough day at the office."

He still wasn't looking at me, but I saw him roll his eyes. I petted his head once, then turned away to step into the house.


	19. Lies of Omission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: FYI this chapter is a little long! It was originally going to be two chapters but I smooshed it together into one. What do you guys prefer? Little chapters more often or bigger chapters less often? Let me know if you have an opinion! Otherwise you'll probably get a random mix haha!

By the time Jared made it back inside, I was wrapped back in my giant towel which was my wardrobe of choice for the reckoning, and had just demolished the cold eggs.

"Sorry I didn't save you any," I said, smiling sheepishly as I handed him the empty serving bowl. "They were uh...delicious." I sounded unconvinced, but he didn't react.

"It's ok," he said softly, taking it from me. "I can make some more food."

"Good!" I said. "I didn't want to be a pain or anything but I'm still _super_ hungry." He didn't react to that either. I tried to piece together what was upsetting him. Or more likely what was upsetting him most. "I-I'm sorry about before."

I held my breath while I waited for him to answer.

"Kim are you ok?" He asked. I nodded. He didn't look up from the empty bowl in his hands. "I didn't know about... what happened after we pulled the fire alarm in your school."

"I'm ok," I insisted, though my voice was soft. Jared set the bowl down, took a step forward, and put one arm around me as if he couldn't decide whether to hug me or not.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "It uh-felt really scary."

"I know," I said, mystified about the idea of a second-hand panic attack.

"Does that happen often?"

"Only a couple times."

"I'm sorry about-" he paused, gathering his thoughts for a moment, then went with "-everything. For making you feel like you aren't as much a part of this as the rest of us. You should know, for whatever reason, you are supposed to be here."

My throat felt tight. I realized it didn't really matter to me what the others thought. As long as Jared was on board. But since I had read his mind, several times today, I knew he really wasn't. "You don't want me there."

"Of course not, Kim," he said. "Of course I don't want you to be a part of this. It's _dangerous._ Why would I want you fighting vampires?"

I frowned at the empty bowl in front of me. "You're such a hypocrite."

"What?"

"What does it feel like, wondering if someone you care about is going to get hurt doing something dangerous?"

I expected him to get defensive. And then I would say something cruel. And then he would say something dismissive. And then I would phase again and he would have to wrestle with me in the yard until I was calm enough to phase back. But instead he just looked sad. And I felt tired.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Me too," he said. "I guess that is kind of a double standard. It's not just that though. Things get weird in there," he said, wincing a bit. "And really awkward."

I cringed a bit too. It was awkward from the moment I'd phased.

While Paul had been thinking _a girl? A girl?_ He had also been desperately trying not to think about the dream he'd had about me a few nights before, and everyone else tried desperately not to acknowledge it. It turned out all of the pack members had some level of residual attraction to me and Emily especially, but also to Bella, due to Jacob's strong feelings, and Jess, who Quil had been spending a considerable amount of time with. Shared feelings were a symptom of shared thoughts. It was uncomfortable for the others before, and it was infinitely more uncomfortable for them now that I was around to witness it.

"I know," I said. "Finding out Embry's in love with me was pretty wild."

Jared laughed but it sounded forced. I smirked at him. Unlike Paul, who had developed a sort of residual attraction to me and Emily through sharing the thoughts of Jared and Sam, Embry had developed a crush on me pretty much as soon as we met at that first bonfire since I'd moved here. He'd thought I'd looked cool, hanging out with Juniors at a different school and chugging beers like a sailor. He'd gotten caught up on the way I smiled at him when I shook his hand. I'd meant it as casual, friendly, with a touch of sarcastic formality, but he remembered it differently. I was drunker than I'd remembered, hair and makeup messy and eyes bright with excitement. But he'd never said anything to anyone. He was worried it might upset Quil, and he was quiet when it came to his feelings. He spotted me on the beach holding hands with Jared a month later and was crushed.

I was shocked. I thought he'd been awkward and shy because he was an awkward and shy person. Little did I know. Jared had freaked out at him a little at first, inflicting more than the typical level of hazing. Poor Embry. Jacob and Quil, who were also unaware, teased him relentlessly, but they'd made a pact never to tell me, both to spare Embry the embarrassment and because Quil insisted my ego was already inflated enough. What happens in the shared-brain plane stays on the shared-brain plane, I guess? But the shit hit the fan when I unexpectedly joined the pack and saw first hand. Embry panicked every time I'd phased so far, even though I told him it was chill.

Jared was still frowning. "Seriously, it's ok," I said. "It's ok that it's weird. There's not really anything we can do about it. There's nothing normal about this."

"Just let me know if I can do anything to make it easier," Jared said. I smiled. He always seemed to know what to say. "Ok… Food?"

"Yes please!"

"Let's see what they've got." Jared started rooting through their fridge and cabinets. A week ago it would have felt intrusive, but compared to seeing the contents of someone's mind, helping ourselves to their food felt insignificant. "Mac and cheese?" Jared asked, holding up a five pack of boxes.

"Yes!" Jared made all five boxes in one giant pot and we ate it straight out of the pot, passing it back and forth until it was empty. I patted my stomach, though it wasn't nearly as distended as I thought it would be. I was full, but I definitely _could_ eat more. The super metabolism was maybe the most exciting power of all. After we ate, Jared and I napped on the couch. When we woke up, Jared looked at the clock and smiled at me.

"What?" I asked, still sleepy.

"It's been five hours," he said. "Your personal best."

"What about when I was asleep last night?" I asked.

"You woke up in the middle of the night to phase. Twice."

"Oh right," I mumbled. "What was I mad about?"

"The first time you had a dream about pants with fake pockets," he chuckled.

"It just doesn't make sense for them to exist!" I cried. Then I pretended to start shaking. Jared's eyes widened.

"Kidding!" I giggled.

"Punk," he mumbled, poking my arm. He didn't mention the second time, though I shuddered when I remembered-I'd had a nightmare about Eli. I tried to push that from my mind.

"I don't want to jinx it but… I feel better."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He kissed me. It was funny that I'd just started to feel like I could chance wearing the last set of clothes I'd brought, but now I felt lucky that I wasn't wearing them. He trailed down, kissing my neck, my collarbone-

We both froze at the sound of footsteps outside the front door. I rewrapped my beach towel-turned high fashion garment and slipped into the spare bedroom to put on the last of my real clothing. I heard the voices through the door as I got dressed. It was Emily. She was looking for Sam. She sounded upset.

I didn't notice the shaking until I realized I was having trouble with the button on my jeans. Oh no. I was trapped. If I phased here, I would destroy the room, but if I couldn't make it outside in time, I risked hurting Emily. _Calm down,_ I begged myself as the trembling grew. _It's probably nothing._ But I knew I wouldn't be able to convince myself. I lay on my stomach on the carpet. I counted the colors in the threads. I pictured walking on the beach with Jared. I counted to five as I inhaled, and five as I exhaled. The shaking slowed and then stopped. I couldn't believe it. I was afraid to move.

"Where is Kim?" I heard Emily ask.

"Guest bedroom," Jared said.

I opened the door.

"Is everything ok?" I asked. Emily's eyes were bloodshot. I went to stand by Jared just in case. I took his hand so he would feel it if I started shaking.

"My uncle Harry had a heart attack," she said.

"Is he going to be ok?" I asked.

"He's in the hospital," she said. "It's bad."

"I have to let the others know," Jared said to me. "Will you be ok?" I looked at Emily's tear streaked face.

"Is it ok if I wait outside?" I asked her, my voice small. "Nothing personal."

She nodded, and Jared and I stepped out. Jared met my eyes for a moment, then ran for the tree line. I focused on breathing and trying not to think, but the shaking had already started.

Harry Clearwater wasn't that old; he was about my mother's age. He had two children, Leah, who was a year older than I was, and Seth who was only fourteen. I didn't know him well but he and Sue were on the council and the family came to the dinners Uncle Quil and Aunt Tina hosted sometimes.

Jared came running back before I had too much time to think.

"I'm going to go to the hospital with Emily," he said. "The others are going to meet us there. The female hasn't reappeared since this morning. Jacob and Sam are going to find Bella and then meet us there."

I nodded.

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

"I'm coming," I said, though part of me wanted him to say that it was a terrible idea.

"Ok," he said.

We climbed into Emily's car. Jared offered to drive. I sat in the backseat behind Emily, piecing together an emergency plan to unlock the door and jump out if I started to slip, but I didn't think it would come to that. The car was quiet and the mood was somber. When we arrived at the hospital, only Emily was allowed back. Family only. Jared and I sat in the waiting room, holding hands. He squeezed mine every time it shook.

Moments later, my mom walked in with Uncle Quil and Aunt Tina. Her eyes widened at me. At first I wondered if she was that surprised to see me here, but then I remembered my botched haircut. She hadn't seen me since she left for her trip, and I'd been out of the house and dodging her texts since then, for a good reason that she knew nothing about. She pursed her lips at me. Aunt Tina left a chair between us for her, but she sat on the other side. It felt really childish, but I didn't have the energy to get worked up. Uncle Quil and Jared spoke in hushed tones. My hearing was better now, so I didn't have any trouble making out their words.

"The others?" Uncle Quil asked.

"On their way," Jared said.

Embry, Quil, and Paul arrived soon, later followed by Sam and eventually Jacob. Jacob's dad, Billy Black came with Charlie Swan, Bella's father who was pushing his wheelchair.

"Emily?" Sam asked Jared.

"She's in the back," he said. "They said family only right now." Sam nodded and sat down with us.

We sat for hours, saying little. The only sentiments shared were shock and sympathy.

"He was so young."

"I didn't know he was sick."

"Poor Sue."

"Poor Leah."

"Poor Seth."

"They'll be alright."

"Sue and Leah are tough as nails."

Two hours later the family came back into the waiting room, faces streaked with tears.

"How is he?" Aunt Tina asked Sue. She shook her head.

Uncle Quil and Aunt Tina had everyone over for dinner. No one had much to say and for once, not even the werewolves had much of an appetite. Seth cried openly, while Emily rubbed his back and spoke soft words. Sue and Leah were frozen, expressions stoney, eyes red. Sam eyed Quil and I warily, as if one of us might burst. Jacob ducked out early to check on Bella, who had apparently jumped off the cliffs today, alone, and almost drowned when the rip currents pulled her under. Of course she did. Then mom asked if I was ready to go home. Jared raised an eyebrow.

"You sure?" Jared whispered, just out of earshot of my mom. I nodded.

"I'll text you tomorrow," I promised. We left.

Mom was silent in the car at first. Then she sighed.

"You cut your hair?" She asked.

"Yeah," I said, trying to keep my voice light. "I wanted something a little different. Shorter for summer." She did not look convinced.

"Kim what happened to you?"

My first instinct was to say "nothing," but that would have been such a colossal lie. What hadn't happened to me in the last few days? Everything had turned upside down since before spring break.

"Everything's going to be ok," I said, which was admittedly probably the least reassuring thing I could have said, especially because it sounded like I was trying to convince myself.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" She asked. My throat tightened further.

"I know." Never had that been less true. Even though I was sitting in the car right next to her, I felt a distance growing between us. Keeping secrets was a bit like lying, and the bigger the secret, the more expansive the lie.

* * *

I felt marginally better, watching the sunlight stream through my own window the next morning after a successful night of sleeping and not exploding. I scarfed down a frightening quantity of eggs, then checked my phone. I had a text from Jared.

_How are you feeling today? Are you coming to the funeral?_

I texted him back. _I'm ok. I'm coming._

I got dressed and frowned at my ridiculous hair in the mirror, trying a few clips and a hairband before giving up and pulling them all out again.

We met at the community center first. When mom and I arrived, mom went to go speak with Sue. I went to find Jared and the others. The pack stood in a tight circle. They looked tense.

"Hey." I shouldered in between Jared and Sam. They all exchanged glances. "What?" I asked. I felt a single tremor roll down my spine at the tense atmosphere. Jared grabbed my hand and squeezed hard. I met eyes with Leah across the room. I took a deep breath to steady myself. "I'm ok," I told them.

"There's been a change of plans," Sam said.

"The Cullens are back," Jacob growled.

"What?!" I asked, eyes wide. "All of them? For how long?"

"I don't know," Jacob said. "Bella recognized the doctor's car."

"Where?"

"Outside her house," he said.

"Oh my god." I couldn't believe it. After everything Bella had been through they just came back? I knew one moment with Edward would undo months of progress. She was just starting to get better.

"Outside?" Jared asked.

"I'm ok," I said through my teeth, but I noticed my hands vibrating. "It's just-that's so unfair to Bella! How dare they?!" I kept my voice quiet, but the pitch was shrill.

"Outside," Sam said. We all went, walking around to the back where we wouldn't be seen. My shaking slowly subsided once we were outside. I might have been imagining it, but Jared looked a little pleased with my reaction. Our opinions of the Cullen's had been an ongoing debate for us, but it seemed we were on the same page now.

"Who was it? How many of them?" I asked Jacob.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" I asked. My hands started to tremble again.

"I wasn't about to just walk in on them," he said, incredulous.

"So you just let her walk in alone?" I deadpanned. "What if it was a trap?"

He paled. "I thought about that-"

"So you just didn't care enough to check?" I asked, cooly. Jacob glared at me. He was starting to shake too. Jared tried to step between us and both Jacob and I shoved him out of the way.

"Easy," Sam said. I took another deep breath to try to temper the shaking.

"I think we should check to try to… assess the damage," I said, keeping my voice as level as possible. "We need to know how many are here and how long they are staying. We should also let them know about the female." I looked at Jacob and sympathy started to seep in. It had to be hard for him, watching Bella choose them over him after everything. "I can go if you don't want to," I told him, gently.

"What?" Jared asked.

"I'll go," Jacob said. "Bella's my friend."

"I know," I said. "She's my friend too. I'm not expecting her to be the problem though." I considered that for a second. Jacob would be the best one to talk to Bella, but of all of us, I was the best one to talk to the Cullens. "Let's go together."

"What?!" Jared's mouth fell open. Jacob frowned.

"Yeah, that's probably best," I said. "I'll do the talking. You can be the muscle."

"Are you serious?" Jared asked, though his voice lacked the tone of a question. All the joy he took at seeing my anger towards the Cullens return evaporated.

"Ahh, you're right," I sighed. "I _am_ pissed to be honest. Jacob, how about _you_ do the talking and _I'll_ be the muscle?" Paul snorted. I watched from the corner of my eye as Jared's eyes grew wider and wider, but I was too busy planning to acknowledge him. "You go in and talk to Bella, and if things get hairy, give a signal, and POW!" I punched the air in front of him. "In comes Snowball! Death by maltese! How embarrassing would that be for them?"

Jacob nodded, his expression serious. "Let's go."

"Great," I said. "You can drive, I rode over with my mom." We walked toward the car. Jared followed us, shaking his head.

"Wait, just wait," Sam said, frowning. We paused, looking back. "Take Embry too. And no fighting. Don't go in the house. Just find out what's going on and report back."

We piled into Jacob's car. I climbed into the backseat next to Jared who looked very bewildered by the way the conversation had progressed.

"Please stay in the car," Jared said to me.

"I'll go," Jacob said.

"Are you sure Jake?" I asked. "I know I'm like a- _baby wolf_ and all, but I feel like you might be a little more upset about all of this. You sure you're ok to...potentially talk to the Cullens?"

"Are you?"

I laughed. "I mean, I have before. We weren't friends or anything, but I have done group projects with them. Also I used to cheat off of one of them in Calc."

"Are you serious?" Jared asked. It was becoming his line.

"Yeah." I frowned. "My grades dropped a bit after they moved."

"I'll do the talking," Jacob said again.

"You do know I was kidding when I said I should be the muscle right? I don't really have any." I examined my bare arms, in case any muscles decided to appear unannounced overnight. Alas, none had.

"I can handle this." He sounded confident. I bit my lip. I hoped he was right.

Jacob pulled up outside their house. The black Mercedes sat in the driveway.

"Leave it running," Jared instructed. He hopped out to take the driver's seat, ready for a quick exit if we needed one. Jacob walked up to the door in just a few tense steps. He rang the bell, already shaking.

Bella answered the door a moment later. Jacob looked nervous. I could hear them easily from the car.

"Can I talk to you a minute?" Jacob said.

"Of course you can, Jacob," she said. "Come on in." She stepped back to let him pass, but he hesitated, looking back to the car. Embry shook his head at him. That seemed to piss Bella off, but her annoyed expression melted to confusion when she saw me in the backseat. I winked at her, adding some finger guns. She frowned at me too. Jacob went inside.

Embry groaned. "This is going to be bad."

"What?" I asked. Embry groaned again. Clearly they had little faith in him. "Why did we let Jacob play diplomat then?!" I asked, incredulous. "Should I go in there?"

"No," Jared said. "He's the one who broke the plan. He wasn't supposed to go inside. We just have to wait and see how this plays out."

I sighed. "Let's hope he can pull this off."

I got more and more nervous as the seconds dragged into minutes. Embry fidgeted in the front seat. Finally, after what felt like an hour but was maybe two minutes later, I heard Bella scream from inside: "Stop that! Argue when we get back, let's go!" Then, Alice Cullen darted out the door and hopped into the Mercedes. She pulled it right in front of us and threw the passenger door open. Bella stormed out of the house, a backpack slung over her shoulder. Jacob was close behind her.

"Please Bella," he said. "I'm begging."

"Bye Jake. Sorry." My heart sank. I could tell by her voice that she was crying. Bella ran for the car, leaving Jacob violently shaking in the yard. As they sped away, she yelled, "take care of Charlie!" Jacob fell to his knees then phased, it was surreal to watch someone crumple and explode in the same moment.

In spite of my shaking hands, I opened the car door, stripped off my dress, and tossed it in the backseat in one fluid motion, moments before I phased. I'd felt it coming, knew I wouldn't be able to stop it, and only had one black dress now. The rage chorusing through me was too massive to contain.

I followed Jacob into the trees, fuming as I thought about what I had just seen. Only a fraction of my anger was directed at Jacob. The rest was directed at the Cullens.

I felt Jared as he phased just beyond the tree line. He wanted to know what had happened and why I had reacted so strongly, but I couldn't make my thoughts coherent. The rage was overwhelming. I couldn't forgive Alice for dragging Bella back into her dark world. I knew why she was here. She couldn't bear to watch her brother suffer, and he was too weak to stop her.

I felt Jared and Jacob's mingled confusion. They both thought the Cullens had left Bella behind out of disinterest. I realized that I had never told them. I hadn't even thought about the Cullens in so long, but now I remembered every detail of that day in school, confronting Edward after Bella had "tripped." He'd wanted validation from me. He'd wanted to liken his atypical relationship to mine, and I'd told him we had nothing in common. That unless he stayed away from Bella, he'd been stealing her life one way or another, fast or slow. I remembered how he cried. How I'd held him in that classroom as he fell to pieces. How he'd muffled his tearless cries against my shoulder. He'd suffered, but he understood. Jacob and Jared watched my memories in wordless shock.

I thought about Bella's progress. Months of silence and numbness, followed slowly by a hard earned sense of normalcy. Humanity. I'd lost sleep, wracked by guilt at the thought that I'd ruined this girl forever, then breathed an enormous sigh of relief when she met Jacob and started acting like a person again. And then in one night, his meddling family had ruined any chance of her happiness, her _life,_ undoing months of progress in a single moment.

Jared fixated on my memory of hugging a vampire in an empty classroom, convincing him to leave. He remembered being puzzled by how upset I'd been when they left, and having no idea why. He'd been bothered by it, thinking that I'd been closer to the Cullens than I'd let on, or closer to Bella. He remembered that one night, right before we were about to have sex, getting a text from Sam that the Cullens and Bella had disappeared. He remembered my cool confidence that Bella was safe, thinking about how it clashed with my constant worry for her welfare. He'd never made sense of that moment. Never registered my worry as guilt. He'd had no idea of the role I'd played in their decision to leave. Jacob fixated on the memory too.

_Please don't tell her,_ I asked him. I tried to play down the emotion in my words. I shouldn't have bothered. It was possible to do when speaking, but not here. _When she comes back? Please don't tell her what I did. I don't want her to know that he left because of me._

_I won't tell her,_ Jacob promised. I was touched by that. _If she comes back._ I saw in Jacob's mind that it was a rescue mission. Edward thought Bella was dead, and he was about to do something stupid. I guessed that excused Alice, though only marginally. Of course she couldn't stand by and watch her brother destroy himself.

_Thank you,_ I thought. But deep down I knew it wouldn't matter. Edward and I had come to an understanding in that classroom. Bella's only chance was to think that Edward was indifferent to her. Now that she knew the truth, there was no coming back.

_It's not over,_ Jacob insisted.

If we were human, I wouldn't have responded. I wouldn't have wanted to hurt him. But I couldn't edit my thoughts, and of course he could hear them. _It was over the moment she got into that car._


	20. She Wolves

When I eventually phased back and tracked down my dress-which rode back to the funeral in the backseat of Jacob's car driven by Embry-I had missed the entire ceremony. Afterwards, the pack gathered briefly in Emily's house to talk strategy. I noticed Sam and some of the others glancing at me as they tried to make predictions on what the Cullens would do next. I offered a few predictions, but not with overwhelming confidence. I didn't know what they would do next, and I was bewildered that I'd somehow become the resident expert on vampire behavior.

I suggested we wait. Charlie would undoubtedly keep Billy posted on anything he knew about Bella's whereabouts, and Billy would inform us. Sam agreed. He planned to go back to Sue's. He'd been helping her around the house. I frowned. I'm sure Sue appreciated the help, but I could think of one person who wouldn't.

Leah was not privy to pack secrets. She still had no idea why Sam left her so abruptly, and she likely never would, as outside of pack members, their magically discovered soulmates, and council members, the existence and inner workings of the pack were mostly secret. Everyone in La Push knew about the "gang" but had no idea what they, I mean we, actually were.

Sam drew up a schedule for patrol shifts. I was not initially on it.

"Where am I, Sam?" He stared me down, face blank. I stared back. He put me down for tomorrow morning, six to noon, with Jared, even though they were already the larger group. The meeting eventually dispersed and I got a ride home from Jacob.

"Are you sure you'll be ok alone at home?" Jared asked.

"I'll be ok," I said, nodding, even though I'd made it clear that I was not fully under control yet. "I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" I kissed him and left.

I crept into the house, heels in my hand. I wanted to minimize time with my mom tonight just in case.

"Hello Kimberly," she said the moment I stepped through the front door. _Shit._

"Hi mom," I said softly.

"Where were you today?" She asked. Her voice was even but I could almost feel the effort she was exerting in forcing it to stay that way.

"Um, I wasn't feeling very well…"

"You and-all of your friends?" Mom asked. "You all left together. For two hours."

"I, didn't realize," I fumbled. "I was feeling kind of sick, so I went for a walk and Jared came. I don't know what Jacob and Embry were doing."

"But you knew they were the ones who were gone," she drawled. _Shit._

"They came by later. To check on us." My lies were falling flat and I could tell.

"You played _hookie._ From a _funeral,"_ Mom fumed. I opened my mouth but I couldn't think of anything to say. "Tell me what's going on. Now."

"I don't understand."

"Don't play dumb. You think I can't _tell_?" Her voice was starting to crack. My throat felt tight. "You're different." I swallowed. I had no defense for that. I _was_ different. Everything was different. "I want to know what he's gotten you into."

"It's not his fault."

"What's not his fault, Kim?" Her eyes were wide with panic and brimming with angry tears. "What is it?!" I shook my head. "Is it drugs? Tell me what it is!"

I shook my head. "I need to lie down." I stepped around her and headed up the stairs.

"Talk to me!" She was yelling now. "Don't you just walk away, talk to me!"

I shut my bedroom door. It slammed. _Shit._ I still didn't know my own strength. She was going to think I was mad. I'd thought I couldn't make it worse. I was shaking now and starting to cry. I tried to parse out how much of the shaking was from crying and how much meant I was in immediate danger of exploding, and the fact that I couldn't tell made the shaking worse. I stripped out of the dress as quickly as I could, chucked it in the closet, and then paced, naked and breathing deep, trying to slow my heart rate. I must have taken hundreds of trips across my tiny bedroom. The shaking didn't slow or build. It was level, a thrumming, constant reminder of just how little control I had. Would it really get easier like they said?

Most of the pack members' parents knew what their sons were up to. The only exceptions were Embry, whose mother was not Quileute, and me. Mom was an Ateara, about as central to the bloodline as you could get, but she'd moved away from home when she was young, and now that she was back she showed no interest in getting involved. Embry kept the secret from his mom. So would I. Sam offered to fill in Embry's mom-their relationship was degrading already-but Embry said that he didn't mind keeping the secret. It was important.

I didn't really care about secrets, and I wasn't worried that my mom would expose me, I just didn't want her to know. I imagined her sitting down with the council and the pack, learning that her daughter was going out, cosplaying as a giant war-poodle to fight dangerous, immortal beings with her boyfriend, cousin, and a handful of other reckless teen boys. Secrets would be bad for us, but the truth would be worse.

I paced until my legs and mind were numb and the shaking finally subsided. Then I set my alarm, responded to some texts, curled up on my bed and fell asleep.

I felt groggy when my alarm went off. It felt silly to put clothes on when I was going to take them off so soon. Was this what maxi dresses were designed for? No, of course not. They were perfect by pure coincidence.

I crept downstairs and curled my hand around the doorknob, but froze when I heard rustling behind me.

"Where are you going?" I considered just slipping out anyways. Her voice was soft enough I could probably pretend I hadn't heard her. But then she might follow me.

"I couldn't sleep," I said.

"I heard your alarm," she said. _Shit._

"I was just going to go for a walk, that's all."

"Without shoes on?"

"My sandals are on the front step," I lied.

"You're grounded." I looked up at her, shocked. She'd never grounded me before. Not that I'd never done anything to deserve it before, more because she wasn't really the grounding type. "Go back to bed."

She watched me as I walked past her, back into my room. I paused, deliberating, as I listened to her bedroom door close. Then I wrote a note:

_I'm sorry. I really have to go. I'll be back by tonight, promise. Love you. -K._

I left the note on my pillow, slid the window open, and took care to leap far enough to clear the bushes. I didn't make a sound as my bare feet hit the grass, dress billowing out around me. I ran for the trees. I carefully stripped off my dress and tied it around a branch, took a few more steps, then gave in to the shaking.

_Late!_ Quil thought as soon as I phased.

_Sorry, got held up._ I thought back to my exchange with mom.

_Yikes,_ Quil thought, then he barked a laugh. _You're a terrible liar._

_I didn't expect her to wake up!_ I howled. _Who wakes up at six?_

I felt Quil and Jared there. I tried to think back to the schedule, but I couldn't remember who we were missing.

_Embry,_ Quil thought. It's ok, he can catch up.

_Where are we headed?_

_Full perimeter,_ Jared thought. _The vamps are still gone, so the plan is to keep running the outer loop until they come back. If they come back._

_Sounds good!_ We were all curious about what was happening on Bella's 'rescue' mission. If they would return or not. Part of me wished they wouldn't. I wouldn't know what happened, whether they lived or died or eloped or broke up. I would be haunted at first, by memories of the poor, frail girl who was swallowed by a supernatural world, but eventually I would forget. Quil ran toward Jared. I shook my head and ran to meet him there. I decided to sprint, since for the rest of the day I would be stuck going at their pace.

_Wow so modest cuz,_ Quil thought, sourly, but he quieted when he felt my joy at moving so fast. It was hard to describe, soaring through the forest, weaving in and out of trees on instinct. It was almost meditative, like my problems couldn't possibly keep up with me at this speed. All other thoughts were pushed down. I nearly collided with Jared when I reached him. I hadn't expected to be able to get there so quickly.

_Jesus,_ Quil thought, but this time he wasn't making fun of me for showing off. He was stunned by my speed. He dug in and pushed himself to go faster.

_How should we kill time until he gets here?_ I mused.

_Hey!_ Quil snapped.

_Oops, you weren't supposed to hear that._

_I have an idea,_ Jared thought. His mouth opened in a dopey grin.

_Uh oh._ I followed the direction of his thoughts, but it was too late. He pounced. _No you don't!_ We wrestled rolling over and back. I came close to victory once, but he managed to pin me. I batted him with my paws. I didn't need to read his mind to know I wasn't doing any damage. I felt his mirth and growled.

_Sorry guys!_ Embry's thoughts came in scattered.

' _Bout time!_ Quil teased, but backed off when we saw why he was late. Embry had fought with his mom too. She'd grounded him.

_Omg twins!_ I thought with sarcastic cheer. Jared stepped off of me. I felt the guilt radiating from him when I remembered how she tearfully demanded to know what Jared had 'gotten me into.'

_Kim I-_ his thoughts weren't really coherent.

_She thinks it's drugs._ I rolled my eyes. Then I turned to Jared trying to look serious. I could see through his eyes that serious expressions were not my forte in maltese form.

_Or human form,_ Quil chimed in.

_Ugh!_ I scowled at him, derailed.

_Kim, you know you can sit out for a little while if you want,_ Jared thought. _I mean we have plenty of people now, and I know how much you hate fighting with your mom._

My fur bristled. It was obvious that Jared did not want me here because he was worried about me, not because he was concerned about my relationship with my mom. He back-pedaled, immediately trying to deny it, but I pointed out that he'd never thought to suggest that to Embry. Embry desperately tried to remain neutral. In fact, he wanted mentally withdraw from the conversation, which of course only made his presence and his discomfort at being used as a comparison more obvious. Also, Embry had no interest in sitting out. _Same,_ I thought. Jared sighed. It was a symptom of being left in the dark for so long, which Jared felt guilty about now. At the time he didn't even realize it had bothered me. I'd thought he was doing it to bother me. It was kind of amazing how much we had misunderstood about each other.

Embry and Quil had caught up by now. We set off to start running the perimeter. Quil led the way and Jared took up the rear. I fell into pace with them. After dozens of laps around the town, with no sign of any vampires, a new consciousness seared into our minds. We all cringed at the anguish and fury it carried. It didn't make sense. The other group wasn't supposed to relieve us until noon. But the feelings took on a familiar shape. Grief.

_Leah?_ I gasped.

Leah mentally screamed and physically thrashed around her tiny living room. We watched in shock through her eyes as she broke a table with her paws, then swiped at a chair. One of the pieces flew into Seth, Leah's younger brother who'd been standing, frozen in the corner. He crumpled to the floor, blood pouring from his hairline down into his wide eyes.

_Leah! Leah!_ We all called her name, but our thoughts were drowned out by hers. I turned and sprinted towards the Clearwater's house. _Please!_

_Slow down!_ Jared ran after me. The others followed.

_Oh my god._ Leah's panic grew at the sight of her brother on the ground. He started to seize and shake. Sam appeared out of nowhere. I'd forgotten he was staying with them.

_Leah stop!_ Sam barked.

_What's happening to me?_ She howled. Then she recognized the tone of Sam's thoughts and a growl built in her chest. _Get out of my head!_ She swiped at him, nearly clawing his muzzle.

_Stop!_ Sam ordered. She swiped again. _We have to get out of the house!_ Sam shouldered her toward the door, but Leah was frantic.

_Seth!_ The anguish was clear in her thoughts. _What's wrong with him!?_ Seth shook. _I must have really hurt him!_

When I reached the house, Sam was wrestling with her, trying to get her out the back door. She fought him, her movements frantic and panicked. I didn't slow as the house loomed into view. I ran right through the open back door, leapt clean over Sam and Leah and onto Seth just as he phased.

Seth immediately threw me off. I'd hoped for a closer match. Seth was only fourteen. In our human forms, I was about a foot taller than him and at least thirty pounds heavier. This was not the case in our wolf forms. He was easily as large as the others, paws maybe twice the size of mine. All four of his legs connected and launched me into the back wall. I coughed, shocked, as the house shook and my head rang.

Then the color drained from the room. All the textures, glass, wood, and fabric went soft and grainy, fading into one surface. The ringing in my ears faded to a thrumming static. It subsided as quickly as it started. Reality reared back up in the form of burning pain. Seth's teeth punctured my shoulder, and my blood stained my fur. I could sense Jared's panic, which gradually became my own. He'd reached the house.

_Seth stop!_ Sam ordered. Seth's jaw fell open. I felt the alpha order second hand. Seth _had_ to let go. He had no other option. It hadn't felt that way when Sam tried to give me an order. Then I remembered it also hadn't worked on Leah.

Jared was there then. He grabbed Seth with his teeth and tugged him outside. I lay still, shocked, but the wound on my shoulder scabbed over in seconds.

_God there are so many of us now,_ Quil thought as he reached the house. He was right. There had been three for almost three years. Then six more in the last two months, four of us in the last week alone. Including two girls and one fourteen year old. There was no precedent for this.

One thing great-great grandpa's stories made unwaveringly clear was that werewolves existed to protect the town. If that was true, our sudden population growth meant something big was coming. Jared and Quil were listening to my train of thought. The others were distracted. There was too much going on.

Leah and Seth reeled. Sam and the others were trying to explain what was happening, what they were a part of now, whether they wanted to be or not. It was overwhelming, listening to so many thoughts at once.

Jared came back into the house to check on me. He sniffed my shoulder.

_It's ok,_ I reassured him, noticing the sting fading. _I'm sorry._

_Why couldn't you just stay with the group?_

_I really thought they would be small like me!_ I had meant this as a private thought, but private thoughts were not an option here. Quil internally snickered. I sulked. All of the other guys were bigger than me in human form, either in height or weight, so it made sense that they were bigger than me as wolves too, but I was about the same height as Leah and significantly bigger than Seth. As a wolf, Leah, though smaller than the guys, was still bigger than me. Also, it really didn't make sense for Seth to be such a massive bear of a wolf when he was such a little tater tot of a boy.

_Tater tot!?_ Seth was indignant at first, but then a little smug when he realized he was bigger than his sister in wolf form. Seth's mind spun as he tried to piece together what was happening. He was starting to fill in the gaps with what he saw in our minds. _That's what the gang is?_ He asked eventually. _A wolf pack?_

_Bingo,_ Embry thought.

_Wow,_ Seth thought. _How come nobody told me?_ We all thought about the treaty, the promises we had all made to keep our lives secret. Embry and I thought about our fights with our moms. Sam thought about Leah, crying when he wouldn't tell her why he had disappeared. _Oh,_ Seth thought.

I tried to keep my thoughts subtle, but I was excited that Leah was there. We weren't close by any stretch, but I was relieved at the notion of not being the only girl. Like Paul had when I first joined, I thought, _a girl! A girl!_ Though my thoughts revealed celebration rather than shock. I'd felt so out of place, like I'd slipped through the cracks somehow, but her presence was evidence that that was not the case. I wasn't an anomaly.

But as Leah gradually recovered from the shock and I was able to clearer read the shape of her thoughts, I started to realize the discomfort sharing her mind would bring.

We all knew about Sam and Leah's relationship. They'd dated for years, all through high school. And we all knew that it had ended badly. But none of us had known that she was still in love with Sam. It was a thousand times worse than Embry's crush. Leah's feelings for Sam and her feelings of violation at her private thoughts having an audience were so palpable that we all cringed. She couldn't hide her thoughts and we couldn't have tuned them out if we tried. She had never gotten over Sam. She hurt every time she saw him, or Emily. Until the recent death of her father, it was the greatest source of pain in her life.

_Leah I-_ Sam couldn't put his thoughts into words but it was clear that he hadn't known. He was sorry. _I couldn't really-_ he trailed off again as he thought about Emily, and what he felt when he saw her face. Jared echoed him, thinking about me, trying to explain the strange and powerful phenomenon of apologies and explanations did not help Leah.

She howled, radiating pain as she backed away from us, but physical distance did nothing to weaken the connection of our thoughts.

_What can I do?_ Sam asked, desperate, but his pity only made Leah howl more. Her anger crescendoed with every thought Sam had. Neighbors were going to start coming if we couldn't quiet her down soon.

_Get out!_ I snapped at him. _Phase back! We should all be phasing back, clearly she needs privacy!_ I rolled my eyes. I felt like I was living in an Onion article: _Five Mind-Reader Boys Still Can't Figure Out What Women Want._ Typical. Was it really such a shock to Sam that he wasn't helping? I felt Sam's embarrassment at my scathing criticism.

_Sorry,_ I thought, even though it was clear that I wasn't. Sam darted into the trees and his mind disappeared.

_You guys got this?_ Quil asked. We nodded and he disappeared too.

_We should head into the trees,_ Embry thought. We did. Seth was calming down now.

_I can go too,_ I thought gently, towards Leah. _It'll take me a minute,_ I pictured my dress, hanging from a tree by my house. _But I can get started if you want me to go._

She didn't answer. Seth phased back. Embry phased with him and they walked back towards the house. She wanted to be alone, but was also afraid to be.

_You should phase back too,_ I thought to Jared.

_You sure?_

_Yeah_. Running might help Leah, and there was a good chance Leah would be too fast for Jared to keep up.

He groaned. _Fine, have fun, speedy._ He ran off and his mind disappeared. It was quiet when it was just us.

_Running does help._ Leah didn't answer. _Come on, l_ _et's find out who's fastest!_ I charged off. Leah was smaller than the guys but not quite as small as me. She was fluffier now, since her hair was currently longer, but she didn't look quite as ridiculous as me since her fur was grey instead of maltese-white. Leah sprinted after me.

_Oh my god,_ she thought when she realized how fast she could move.

_Amazing, right?_ I slowed to let her catch up, and then we ran side by side. I could tell that she could run faster if she pushed. _Go for it,_ I conceded. _I can tell you're the fastest. You should see what full speed feels like._

She dug in, gaining speed. I breathed, relieved as I felt the knot of pain in her chest loosen, even if only by a fraction. We raced. Eventually Leah slowed and I caught up.

_Why are you doing this anyways?_ She asked. _Staying here, in my mind. You have some kind of angst kink or something?_

_Angst kink? Oh no I'm strictly into BDSM._

She stumbled, laughing. _Jesus._

_Yeah,_ I smirked. _Sometimes I make Jared sleep on the floor._ That actually had happened before. I didn't have air conditioning, and over the summer, sharing a twin bed with him could be unbearable. Once I got so hot that I rolled him off the bed. He just looked at me, pouting for a moment before falling asleep on the floor.

Leah thought that was pretty funny too. _Thanks, for… staying._

_No problem. Running helps._

_What could you have to run from? Your life is perfect._

I pictured my mother's tear streaked face as I snuck out of the house. I remembered what it felt like when Eli kicked me in the ribs by the beach, and then moments later when I nearly killed him but didn't, afraid of becoming a monster but knowing that I'd be partly responsible if he hurt someone else. How helpless I had felt. I thought about Bella, how I'd convinced the Cullens to leave, watched it destroy her, and never told her the truth about it. Now she was apparently flying to Italy, to maybe die because of me. I pictured the last memory I had of my dad, crossing the lawn in the middle of the night without even glancing back at the house.

_Sorry,_ Leah thought, breaking my spiral.

_No, I'm sorry._ I shook my head, trying to focus. _I didn't mean to make this about me. I know that I can't say I know what you're going through, but I'm here for you._

_Thanks._

_I've never lost a parent. Or loved someone like you loved Sam._

_Yikes,_ Leah thought. _I'd say I promise not to tell Jared, but next time he reads my mind…_

_No that's not what I meant._ _Of course I love Jared, but love usually takes risk. You have to make yourself vulnerable. The more you open yourself up to a person the more you risk losing. In the real world, love takes courage. Loving Jared isn't the same because he can't leave. I never had to risk anything. And honestly if I hadn't met Jared I don't know that I ever would have._

I hadn't meant it in a sappy way. I thought about my parents. My mom had taken all the risks. She made herself vulnerable in every way and then watched everything she'd built fall away.

_It was different for me,_ Leah thought. _I never thought of falling in love as taking a risk. For me it was natural. Just part of life._

Leah thought about Sam. She thought about how they met in school. She'd had a crush on him and convinced a mutual friend to find out how he felt. He'd liked her too. She thought about early dates. About happy and sad moments. She thought about how Sam had gotten close to her father. She thought about a day, years ago when she and Sam bought six orders of chicken nuggets on a whim and ate them on the beach, laughing as they ate until their stomachs swelled. Sam vanished the next day. He'd left no note, gave no indication of wanting to leave. He just disappeared. Leah looked everywhere. She involved the police, who found nothing. Sleep evaded her, and when she did catch it, it came in fits and starts, filled with nightmares of him dying. Getting kidnapped. Shot. Buried. Or stepping off the cliffs, not bothering to jump far enough to clear the rocks at the bottom.

When he returned, her relief was short-lived because it wasn't _her_ Sam that came back. It was a scared, fragment of a person inside of his body, who not only refused to talk to her about what had happened and where he was, but avoided her almost entirely. Her cousin Emily had been so worried about her she drove down from Seattle to stay with her. Then Sam had seen her. Suddenly Emily was visiting all the time, and spending most of her time with him. She'd moved back to La Push by the end of the Summer. Emily wouldn't talk to her either. She'd lost both of them.

Then Leah thought about the day before her father died. They'd been fishing, the whole family packed in their little motorboat. Her dad, whose aim was usually perfect, managed to hook a tree. He jerked the rod but the line didn't come free, so he just reeled them in, rod bending precariously, tugging the whole boat with him. Sue giggled and Leah and Seth broke into fits of laughter as he stood up to detangle it, saying, _I swear I saw a snapper up here!_ It was perfect. Everyone was happy, with no idea of what was to come.

_I didn't know I was risking anything,_ Leah thought. _I never looked at the world that way, thinking about everything that could go wrong. Thinking everything good in my life to go up in smoke in an instant. You never know how much you have to lose until it's gone._

I shuddered. Leah sighed. _Thank you. For running with me today._

_Any time._ I thought about inviting her over, in case she didn't want to go home yet. I figured Sam wouldn't be at her place, but then again, they probably wouldn't leave Seth alone. Then I remembered that I was grounded.

Leah offered an idea. _What if we get your dress, then go to my house and you can run in and grab me some clothes, and then we can go to the beach?_

_Cute!_ I thought, thrilled at the idea of hiding from mom for a little while longer. Leah snorted. It also involved more running which was a plus. As we ran, I filled Leah in on all of the "work" drama I could think of. She was fascinated by some parts and horrified by others, just as I had been. I could tell she was morbidly curious about imprinting.

_I know, it's so weird right?_ I started nerding out. The council said getting rawked created favorable genetic matches, making more wolves, or bigger, stronger wolves, but that theory didn't hold much water. If defense was the goal, then shouldn't werewolves be predisposed to be super promiscuous? Getting rawked was the opposite. More likely, imprinting had a different function. Maybe it was meant to keep the pack close to the town and gave them further motivation to protect the people that lived there.

Leah was not comforted by any of this. All she could think was, _why Emily and not me?_

_I don't know_. I hoped she would find relief soon, whatever shape it came in.

_Thanks._

I gently freed my dress from the tree and bundled it in my mouth, trying not to drool excessively. _Ok, next stop your house!_ It didn't take us long to get there and by the time we made it, we both felt calm.

_Bring snacks too!_ She thought, picturing a bag of chips in the cupboard and some diet cokes in the fridge.

_Yay snacks!_ I took a few deep breaths and then welcomed the sensation of phasing back. It felt like I was folding inward. I stood up and slipped on the dress.

"Be right back," I said to Leah. I walked towards the house. Seth, Embry, and Sam were all in the kitchen. They all looked up at me.

"Hey guys," I said. "Where is Leah's room?" Seth stood up to show me, but Sam waved him away. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Sam led the way, back through the trashed living room.

"How is she?" He asked.

"Better," I said. "She's calming down, I think I can get her to phase back in a few. Then you can uh...start up the patrols again.

He nodded. I started opening her drawers. I found an old shopping bag in the corner. "Good. Sue's going to stay with Emily so that Seth and Leah have time to adjust. I was going to stay with them."

I paused to stare at him. "It doesn't have to be you."

"I just-" he trailed off.

"I know you feel bad," I said, carefully folding a shirt so I could avoid meeting his eyes. "But you being here is _not_ going to help Leah." He didn't say anything. "Jared could stay. Quil could stay. Maybe I could stay if I can get my Aunt and Uncle to cover for me. It doesn't have to be you." I stood up with the bag.

"She can't avoid me forever," he said.

"Doesn't mean she should be trapped with you for the reckoning."

He met my gaze. "Should I go now?"

"Not yet, we're going to the beach for a bit."

"Were you guys friends before?" Sam asked.

"I barely knew her before," I admitted. "But nothing's stopping us." I grabbed the cans of coke and chips Leah was thinking of. "Bye guys." I turned to Seth. "Your sister will be home in a few hours." He nodded.

Twenty minutes later, Leah and I sat on the beach, popping cans of coke and watching the waves. The chips were gone in seconds. We fought over the last of the crumbs.

"What happens now?" She asked.

"We join the pack," I said. "We hunt vampires, protect the innocent, and demolish damaging gender-normative stereotypes by being faster, smarter, and all around better than the boys."

She stared at me, expression completely blank for a moment before melting into laughter. "Oh my god." She looked me dead in the eyes. "I'm in."

We clinked cans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally Leah is in the mix! I hope you guys liked this chapter. I know it was a thicc one haha! Small note, against all better judgement I've decided to attempt nanowrimo this year. For anyone wondering what that is, it's basically a challenge to write 50,000 words of a novel during the month of November. I've never done it but I've always wanted to try! Has anyone here done nanowrimo before? Let me know! Any advice is appreciated! 
> 
> I'm going to try to keep on top of this story as well, but if I miss a week or post a short chapter here or there that's why! Thanks for sticking around!


	21. Hookie Squad

Spring break officially ended Monday, but since I was still considered a high explosion risk, I played hookie with Leah, Quil, and Seth who were also high explosion risks, though some more than others. The official ranking was as follows:

 _Ugh,_ Leah groaned. Her paws pounded the earth as we ran the loop. _Please stop thinking about your stupid rankings._

 _You only think it's stupid because you're last,_ thought Seth, who was currently ranked first, as the least likely to explode. _King of Control and Collectedness!_ I'd mentally called him that once, and he was determined to remember it. Somehow, Seth had achieved a remarkable level of self-control in an impressively short amount of time. I had no idea how he'd managed it, in spite of being able to read his mind. He was a remarkably level-headed kid. _Thank you,_ he thought.

Quil was in second. He'd probably be back in school tomorrow or Wednesday. _Ew school,_ he grumbled, _that's the prize?_

 _The prize is bragging rights,_ I clarified. I was in third, but I was also claiming the title of 'Most Improved' seeing as my first two days had been a rollercoaster of endless transformations and I was lucky that anyone in my proximity had survived my wrath. Leah was currently in last, our volatile vixen.

 _Hmph,_ she scowled. She didn't like her title as much as Seth liked his.

 _There's still time!_ It was important to maintain a growth mindset for such things. _Now for the speed ranking…_

 _No!_ Quil and Seth practically shouted. They were third and fourth in our little sub-pack. I was second. Leah was first and she knew it. This was a happy silver lining for her. Speed was more important than strength. At least that's what I was telling myself, since, of the whole pack, my speed ranking was second, behind only Leah, and my strength ranking was dead last.

 _Sorry champ,_ Quil thought, though he wasn't very sorry at all, as a notable sore loser of the speed category. We had, of course, taken a little pre-run break this morning to test our strength rankings. This was after the graveyard shift of only Sam made it back home and therefore couldn't tell us not to. Quil won, Seth was a close second, Leah a solid third, and me, dead last. Quil had even more fun pinning me than Jared had.

All said, I appreciated our little mini, school-skipping pack. It was like Leah and I formed our own little team, team speed, and each brought in a kid sibling or cousin for entertainment, or filler.

 _Jesus._ Quil was annoyed, but not necessarily angry. He knew I was kidding of course.

 _You have to admit sub-groups are kind of nice though, right?_ I asked. _Way less chatter._

_Not when you're on the team._

_Oooh I'll need some ice for that burn!_ But then I thought about it. _I can't really do anything about it. Thoughts just kind of… spill out._

Seth laughed. _Yeah,_ _I can't believe I used to think you were cool._

 _Me?_ I asked, floored. _Cool?_ Did Seth even know who I was?

 _I don't know._ _You were always hanging around with the gang. No one else could get close to them._ Seth had seen me with the pack many times. He remembered one time when I was playing chauffeur, driving Jared, Paul, and Sam around town. He saw us at bonfires too. He knew Jared and I were together, but he saw how I acted with all of them, like I was part of the group without playing by their rules. I hadn't thought of it that way.

 _Wait what do you mean 'used to'!?_ I asked, indignant.

 _Well now I know what you're a doofus!_ He was filled with glee.

 _Doofus?!_ I rippled with exaggerated anger. I sped up and leapt on him, trying to unbalance him. He stumbled, front legs toppling. Would this be the time? He rolled and I was thrown. After a brief struggle he had me pinned. I bucked, almost unbalancing him, but he managed to right himself. _Ugh! Fine! You can keep your strength ranking._ I secretly hoped Leah would be able to unseat him soon though. For feminism.

 _You can't have secret hopes here!_ Seth jeered. He was right.

 _Can we focus?_ Leah did not like having to slow down more than was strictly necessary. Without her it would probably take us an hour to do just one lap.

' _Aye captain!_ I mentally saluted her. _As soon as this scruffy fiend gets off me!_

Seth did not appreciate being called scruffy or a fiend but got off me anyways. We kept running.

Minutes later, a sharp scent hit us all at once. Quil and I recognized it first hand.

 _Bloodsucker._ Quil's fur bristled. We fanned out.

 _Seriously?_ Seth asked. _What do we do?_

 _Relax,_ I thought, _it might be Alice._

 _Who the fuck is Alice?_ Leah thought.

 _Alice Cullen,_ I thought. _The Clairvoyant._ I felt their confusion. _Did I tell you one of them can see the future?_ They all groaned. _Also one of them can read minds. It's fine they're harmless. Supposedly. But there's also a chance that this is a trail from the female that's been killing everybody and framing our innocent, fluffy pack, so stay alert!_

 _Stay alert?! That's not a plan!_ Seth howled. _What do we do?_ His panic was contagious. This was an eventful first day for the newbie sub-unit, less than a week on the job.

 _Yeah who allowed this?_ Quil thought. Then he remembered that Sam wanted to give Leah space and it made sense for us to take a shift since we were all skipping school anyway.

 _Everything's fine._ I tried to convey confidence. _If it's the Cullens, we're protected by the treaty. Not that we should antagonize them. If it's the female, there's only one of her and she's never attacked directly either. Let's just follow the trail and see where it goes._

No one objected. I took the lead, setting an easy pace. The trail ended at Bella's house. _Alice's trail._ We all sighed. But then doubt began to creep. I circled the house. There was another scent. A different vampire.

 _Two?_ Quil was starting to panic.

 _Easy,_ I thought, even though my heart felt a bit heavy.

 _What?_ Quil asked.

 _It's probably another one of the Cullens._ I couldn't be sure of course. And obviously it would be better to have them around than Victoria. But still. I couldn't help but feeling like I'd lost. I thought of Bella after they'd first left, and how she was later on after she started hanging out with Jacob. The thought of all that progress coming undone in a moment was almost as demoralizing as the thought of an encounter with Victoria was scary.

 _Should we follow it in the other direction?_ Leah asked. _So we can_ _be sure?_

We all agreed. We set off. Again I led, in the same measured pace, resisting the urge to sprint ahead and find out sooner. We crossed the border for the inner loop, the loop I recognized second hand from Jared, Sam, and Paul, which they ran when the Cullens were around. It was almost completely grown over now.

We followed the trail farther and farther into the woods, towards the outer loop. Then we saw it, the big white house looming in front of us.

 _Is that the Cullen's house?_ Seth asked.

 _It has to be._ My eyes travelled from the nearly waist-high grass, to the wide glass windows, to the several car garage. _That lawn hasn't been mowed since they left. They probably didn't even bother to sell it. No one else around here has enough money to live in a place like that._ I felt the nerves building from the others.

 _What now?_ Leah asked.

 _We should go,_ I thought. _They might be home._

Later that night we all sat around Emily's tiny kitchen table. There weren't enough chairs for everyone. I sat on the counter next to Leah, who was making a conspicuous effort not to make eye contact with Sam. Jared leaned against the counter on my other side, hand casually grazing my leg.

"Tell me again," Sam said.

"We found a scent trail," Quil repeated. "Two different leeches. Both ran between Bella's house and the Cullens' house."

"But you don't know for sure that it was the Cullens' house?" Sam asked.

"Right," I said. "We're inferring based on the 'spook' factor." I smiled. Sam scowled, clearly annoyed that I wasn't taking this more seriously. My phone pinged. Actually my text town was a wolf whistle, which immediately altered the atmosphere. Paul barked a laugh. "Sorry!" I yelped. I needed to change that ring tone. I pulled the phone out to silence it. It was a text from Jessica. I unlocked the screen, figuring Quil could do the talking. We were all on the same page.

Jess: _Hey you ok?_

Me: _Yeah I'm doing ok! Except I think I caught another stomach bug, ugh would you believe it?_

Jess: _Oh no that sucks? I'll keep notes for you!_

Me: _Thanks!_

"Well we should try to figure out for sure," Sam continued. "Until then we should stick to the inner loop. Jacob, have you heard anything from Bella?" He shook his head, looking miserable. It occurred to me then that there was another way I could find out.

Me: _Hey Jess, I heard a rumor that the Cullens were back in town._

Jess: _OMG YES it's insane! Edward and Alice were back in school today. Can you believe? And Bella was glued to Edward's hip all day like nothing even happened._

Me: _Holy shit! God Bella! WHY?_

Jess: _I know!_

Me: _Are they just visiting?_

Jess: _No, I asked Alice, apparently Esme really hated LA so the whole family is moving back. Crazy right!_

Me: _Fucking insane._

Jared elbowed me. "Focus," he whispered, gently. I flashed my best awkward grimace and handed him my phone. His mouth fell open as he read. "Guys?"

Everyone looked at him. "What?"

"The Cullens are back," Jared said. "They were in school today." He showed Sam the phone, and he made the same face as he read.

"Can someone please just read it aloud?" Leah snapped. Sam obliged.

Jacob's face crumpled in pain when Sam read 'Bella was glued to Edward's hip all day like nothing even happened.' I realized I might have to add him to the list of all the people I had wronged by trying to make things right back in the fall. We were all silent for a long time.

"So what now?" Embry finally asked.

Sam sighed. "We fall back. Go back to running the inner loop, ease up on patrols. We can assume Bella will be safe," Sam said. "Well, from the female at least."

Jacob shouldered past Quil and out the door. No one tried to stop him. He was shaking like an unbalanced centrifuge. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hid my face.

* * *

"Do you want to tell me where you've been?" Christ, her ears were sharp. Every day since the funeral, I tried to sneak back into the house, which often went well given my new magically enhanced stealth, but every once in a while, ended in miserable failure.

"I was with Leah."

"Clearwater?" Mom asked, eyes widening a bit in surprise.

"We've been hanging out the last few days," I said softly.

"Well that's kind of you," she said, levelly, "but you need to tell me where you are going. Always."

"I'm sorry," I said. She didn't say that I couldn't have gone because I was grounded, which surprised me, but I wasn't about to bring it up if she didn't.

"What's going on with you?"

"Nothing's going on-"

"I left for one week," she said. "One week. And when I come back it's like…" she shook her head. She wasn't crying but I worried she might start soon. "...I don't even recognize you anymore. You're _different._ And the fact that you can't tell me why is really scary." I swallowed, trying to ease the tightness in my throat, but I didn't say anything. "What happened when I was gone?" I shook my head. She sighed, glaring at her hands. "Angela and Jess came by the house yesterday."

Oh no. "What?"

"They were worried about you because you haven't been in school," she said. "They said you were sick."

"Did they say anything else?" I had no plans of telling mom about Eli. I didn't want anyone to know actually, least of all her. I was especially worried now because he knew my secret. I didn't think he would say anything about our encounter in the trees by the beach, but if he was pressed he might say something. And where attention went secrets slipped out.

"What else would they have said?!" She asked. "They honestly thought you were sick! You can't even tell your _friends_ why you're skipping school?"

"I'm really tired," I said, shaking my head. I was exhausted, but also starving. Only I couldn't bear the thought of her studying me while I ate. I would have to sneak down for food later.

"You are going to school. Tomorrow. I will drive you."

"Ok," I said. I walked up the stairs. She didn't say anything else.

I opened my phone. I had a text from Jared.

Jared: _Text when u get home ok?_

Me: _I'm home._

Me: _Had another fight with my mom. She found out I've been skipping school._

Jared: _I'm sorry. Want me to call?_

Jared: _Or I can come over later if you want._

Me: _No I just want to sleep. But thanks though._

I deliberated for a minute, wondering if I should tell him that mom wanted to drive me to school tomorrow. We'd had a plan about the completion of my high school education, and by we, I meant the pack. Quil had talked to his mom, my Aunt Tina who was on the school board about my interest in transferring for the last few months of senior year. I'd been excited. For one, it was a ridiculously short period of time to transfer. I would be in and out in a flash, and wouldn't have to finish those awful year end projects and papers I'd been putting off. Second, post-grad plans were far from solid, but I wasn't planning on sending out any more applications. Sam pulled me aside after the funeral to let me know that I should defer from Columbia. He explained that it would be really risky for me to be out on the other side of the country with no support system, but that after one year it would probably be safe enough for me to go. I didn't love that part of plan, but I had to admit that it made the most sense. The biggest downside was that it was sure to drive a larger wedge between my mom and I, especially if I couldn't tell her why I was transferring or why my post-grad plans involved a mysterious gap year for undisclosed reasons. On top of that, I was still daydreaming, brainstorming ways to bring Jared to New York with me, but there were so many holes in that plan, to the point where it never extended past a fantasy.

Also on my mind, if I transferred to La Push high, I would be able to more or less start over once again. I wouldn't have to face pity from Angela and Jess, apologies from Lauren, or the resentment I would feel towards the Cullens, and maybe towards Bella. I could just disappear, reinvent myself once more in another school, and then rinse and repeat for college. Also, since La Push high was even smaller than Forks, I would definitely have classes with Jared, and any opportunity to spend time with him felt precious, especially now with the possibility of a looming end date.

On the flip side, we wouldn't be having this debate if I hadn't joined the pack, and my reasons for wanting to switch schools were entirely independent of that. It felt like I was running away. And as much as I didn't want awkward glances and pity from my friends, I didn't want to disappear from their lives entirely. I would have to see them at some point or another.

Whatever I did, I'd be pissing someone off. My mom would be pissed if I switched schools. I could maybe appease her by accepting the Columbia offer, which she did not know existed, but if I ended up not being able to go, she'd be disappointed. And Jared would not be thrilled if I accepted it before we talked again. But Jared and Sam would also be worried if I went to Forks high tomorrow. Maybe I should text Jared? I could leave a note for my mom, sneak out before she wakes up tomorrow? But she would kill me when she found out if I skipped again.

For the first time I considered telling her the truth. Not the whole truth, but the part that had no magic at all. That I went to a party over spring break and was attacked. That I was embarrassed and hiding from my friends. That I was collapsing from the middle and splitting at the seams. It was true. And she would understand. But when it came down to it, I didn't think I could handle her pity. She would never look at me the same. And if she knew about _that_ , it would scare her infinitely more every time I inevitably had to sneak out.

I knew she would react strongly because the pack reacted strongly. I tried not to think about my nightmares when we were together, but memories seemed to surface uninvited. Jared even sat me down and asked if I'd thought about therapy. I'd just gawked at him. Laughed without humor. _Therapy is expensive,_ I'd said. What I didn't say is that I didn't want to go because I wasn't ready to talk about it. I honestly didn't know much about therapy, but I did know that I had no desire to relive anything to do with _that_ with a stranger. I started to shake.

"Get up, we're going to be late."

I wasn't shaking myself. Mom was shaking my shoulder and glaring at me from the side of the bed. I sat up, confused, then looked down and realized I was still in the jeans and shirt I'd had on yesterday. I realized, horrified, that I'd fallen asleep last night mid-debate on what to do about today. I glanced at my phone, wondering why my alarm hadn't gone off. It was dead. _Oh no._

I hunted for my charger, panicking when I couldn't find it. My stomach dropped. I'd left it at Sam and Emily's house last night.

"Now Kim!" Mom yelled from downstairs. I threw on a change of clothes, raked a comb through my hair, brushed my teeth, and grabbed my bag. I felt dangerously unprepared, equipped with no phone and with no plan. Mom glared at me from the driver's seat as I slid into the car next to her. It was going to be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all my US friends, I know this was an incredibly stressful week but WE WON! Democracy isn't dead! Does anyone else feel more relaxed than they have in 4 years? Trump's about to get the full 2020 experience. He caught COVID, got fired from his job, and soon he'll get evicted from his house. And he got burned by Greta Thunberg on Twitter. Look it up for some good healthy belly laughs. So to Trump I'd say... BYE BITCH!


	22. Welcome Back Jerk

Mom watched me warily out of the corner of her eye as she drove. I stared out the window, planning. I could walk around the back of the building, slip into the woods, and phase. I was supposed to be on the morning patrol and soon they would be wondering where I was.

But when mom pulled up, right next to Angela, who smiled at me and waited to walk inside together, I knew that was a bust too. Lauren might have lied for me but Angela was a rule abider. And if I yelled, _cover me!_ and raced around to the back of the building, she would freak out.

"How are you feeling?" Angela asked.

"I'm ok, thanks," I said. I probably looked pretty ill though, with my disheveled no makeup look. "Starving though. Want to go to the cafeteria?"

"Sure!" She said. I bought four breakfast sandwiches and a coffee. She watched, eyes wide, as I demolished the first. "Want one?"

"Oh I'm good." I shrugged and started to plow my way through the second.

"Oh, do you have a phone charger I could borrow?"

She frowned. "Not on me, sorry."

"Damn."

"I uh… I like the haircut," she said.

_Shit._ I'd completely forgotten about that. "Yeah," I said. "I felt like a change."

I started to feel pretty self conscious after my third sandwich but I opened the fourth anyways. I probably looked like I had just experienced, or was on the verge of, a psychological break. Maybe I was.

"Hey, you're back!" It was Jess.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm feeling a lot better."

She looked at the pile of sandwich wrappers in front of me. "Um...what happened to your hair?"

"Tragic lawn mower accident," I said, nodding, trying to look somber. She smirked but didn't laugh. "Hey, do you by any chance have a phone charger I could borrow?"

"Do you have an android?" She asked. I sighed and shook my head. Then I had another idea.

"Hey, actually could I text Quil on your phone?" She hesitated and then it was my turn to smirk. " _Jessica Stanley_ ," I said, as if I were a concerned parent. "What sort of-disreputable nonsense is on your phone?" I laughed but stopped when I realized she and Angela weren't laughing too. "Wait, did something happen?"

"He uh-hasn't been responding," she said, looking down.

"Really?" I asked. I tried to look surprised, even though I remembered then that it made perfect sense that Quil was avoiding her. He still wasn't supposed to be around people yet. Today was his first day back at school, under the careful watch of Jared and Paul, though I'm sure if things went well he would be wanting to see Jess again soon.

She shifted, looking uncomfortable. "Did he say anything to you?" Inspiration struck.

"I mean, not in person," I said. "He's been grounded."

"What?"

"Yeah for like most of spring break," I said. "He didn't tell you?" Jess shook her head. "Ah, he's probably embarrassed. I don't even know what he did, he wouldn't tell me." Angela and Jess exchanged glances. I hadn't expected them to have a reaction. "What?"

Jess took a deep breath and she and Angela exchanged glances again. For some reason, I felt nervous. "We _heard_ that Eli was acting really cagey." My breath caught and my heart sped at the mention of his name. Why was I still scared of him? It made no sense for me to be scared of him now. "Lauren said that Matt told her that Tyler was trying to meet up with him before he went back to school, and said that he was acting really odd. Like he was scared or something. He said Eli looked like he got roughed up."

I swallowed, trying to regain composure. "I mean, Quil punched him at Lauren's party. That probably left a mark." Angela and Jess exchanged glances again.

Jess sat down next to me and grabbed my hand. "Kim, we didn't want to tell you this… but Matt and Lauren confronted him about… what happened at the party-" I flinched "-and Lauren said he was absolutely remorseless. Pissed Lauren off beyond belief. But sometime that week he did a total one-eighty. He's… Matt said he's acting all paranoid. Or terrified."

I shook my head as if I didn't understand, even though I knew exactly why he was terrified, and was trying not to show any signs of smugness at that ounce of justice. _I'd scared him_. "Sorry," I said. "I just-I've known Quil forever and... he's a teddy bear. I just can't picture him _scaring_ anyone."

"Does Jared know?" Jess asked. There really wasn't any point in denying it. I nodded. "How'd he take it?'

"Oh, he was thrilled." I rolled my eyes. The first period bell rang, but we ignored it.

Jess sighed. "No offense Kim, but... some of their friends are kind of scary. And Quil and Jared are not exactly...petite? They could have done some damage if they wanted to."

I sighed too. "I really doubt it, but Jess, if you don't mind, could you text Quil and tell him that my phone died but I'm at school and everything is ok?" She looked confused and concerned but nodded. I gathered my sizable pile of trash and headed to class.

As soon as I stepped out of the cafeteria, I already felt hungry for lunch. I watched the clock tick by in my first four classes, and when the lunch bell rang, I raced to the cafeteria to get a good spot in line. I would have to bring snacks tomorrow. This endless appetite was ridiculous. Is this what teen boys felt like all the time? No wonder they act so insane all the time.

Once I had my precariously piled tray in hand, I caught a glimpse of Edward and Alice Cullen, who had the audacity to sit at _my_ table on either side of Bella as if nothing had happened. I sat down across from them.

"Hey," I said, forcing a smile. "Welcome back." My thoughts said otherwise, but only Edward would know.

Edward and Alice froze, eyes wide as they looked at me, as if _I_ was the one overstepping some unspoken but totally obvious boundary. "Thank you, Kim," Edward said, finally, voice even.

Bella looked up, her smile fading to confusion and concern, probably at the state of my hair. She revealed no awkwardness or discomfort from her immediate proximity to the Cullen siblings. I on the other hand quickly developed sympathy for Jared, who'd made me shower after school whenever he felt I smelled too much like them. The Cullen's cloying stench permeated the room. I breathed through my teeth and resisted the urge to gag.

I should have felt angrier. It should have been hard for me to maintain control. One sight of Edward, even without the repulsive smell should've tested the limits of my self control. I should have been shaking to the point where I would have to leave the room to maintain the secrecy of the pack. In spite of all of this, I felt my anger wane. I felt numb. I was in mourning.

Bella looked different, lit from within as if everything was right in her world. The way she and Edward existed next to one another, even their postures catering to one another, I couldn't deny that they both looked like they belonged where they were.

Bella's only chance at life was Edward staying away. He knew this. I'd explained it to him. He'd understood, yet he ultimately failed. I'd thought he was strong enough, but I'd overestimated him. He was far weaker than he looked.

I heard a soft snap, and looked up, realizing Edward had broken a plastic knife under the table. He let the pieces drop. Alice shot him a warning glance, which he ignored. We glared at each other across the table. Bella watched us, looking nervous and confused.

"Oh my god, Kim," Jess scoffed from behind me. I turned to see her walking towards the table, unaware of the tension. "Your friends have been blowing up my phone. I looked for you between every period but I couldn't find you."

"Sorry!" I stood up, grateful for a distraction. "Can I borrow your phone?"

"Yeah." She unlocked it for me. I walked to the single bathroom at the far end of the building, reading messages as I went.

Quil: _She's at school? With you?_

Jess: _Yes?_

Jess: _Where else would she be?_

Jess: _Also why didn't you tell me you were grounded?_

Thankfully, Quil didn't answer that. I would have to fill him in on the plan as soon as I got a chance.

Unknown Number: _Hi this is Jared, Kim's boyfriend. Can you give her the phone? I need to call her._

Jess: _Hi Jared, this is Jess. I know who you are. We've hung out several times? I'll see if I can find her between classes. Or I can have her call you at lunch?_

Unknown Number: _Have her call me as soon as you can._

Unknown Number: _Could you not find her?_

Unknown Number: _Do you know if she's still at school or did she leave?_

Jess: _Didn't see her between classes. Lunch in an hour. Is she ok?_

Unknown Number: _Can you give her your phone if she's at lunch?_

Jess: _Yes. Is she in some kind of trouble?_

I cringed. If Jess wasn't worried this morning, she definitely would be now. I read a message from a different unknown number.

Unknown Number: _Hi Jess, this is Kim's friend Sam. When you see her could you tell her to call me?_

Jess: _Sure Sam, I'll add you to the waitlist._

Unknown Number: _?_

I stepped into the bathroom and locked the door. I called Jared first. He picked up before the first ring finished.

"Kim?"

"Hey Jared," I said. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out, I just, I fell asleep before I plugged my phone in, and it died, so my alarm didn't go off, and then my mom came in and drove me to school-"

"Kim you need to get out of there."

"Why?" I felt a bead of sweat pooling by my hairline. "Did something happen? What's going on?"

To my surprise, he sighed. "What do you mean what's going on? You're one of us now. If you bump into one of the Cullens things will get ugly."

"Oh. I kind of already did-"

"What?"

"-I really thought you all were being dramatic about the smell but they really do reek!"

"Kim you need to get out of there."

I sighed. "Look, I've been thinking…" I struggled with a way to word it and realized I was _still_ thinking. I didn't know what I wanted to do. "I'm not totally sure switching schools for the last few months is the right call-"

"What?"

"I don't know," I bit my lip. "I mean it's super tempting for like, so many reasons. Like wouldn't it be fun to become a _total_ high school relationship stereotype for a bit? But on the flip-side I think I was just really tempted to run away from all my problems. I don't know if that's healthy. Am I really going to let fear run my life?"

"Kim?" Jared had been saying my name over and over again while I was thinking aloud, but I finally stopped to let him finish his thought.

"Yes?"

"We already talked about this, and you already decided-"

"I know, I thought I knew what I wanted, but I'm starting to rethink-"

"Kim you need to sneak out of school and phase, can you do that?"

"Is Sam with you?" I asked.

"No he's home, I'm at school. Your friend said you'd be calling so I stepped out fifteen minutes ago."

"Wow your school is pretty lax," I said, nodding, and then I mumbled, "it _is_ kind of tempting."

"Focus Kim," Jared said. "You need to sneak out of school."

I sighed. "I think we should talk about this later. One of us needs to call Sam though, he's been blowing up Jess's phone."

"I can get in touch with Sam," Jared said. I could tell he was barely clinging to patience. "But you need to sneak out."

"I'm not sneaking out-"

"Kim-"

"Actually, I'll call Sam," I decided. "I left my charger at his and Emily's place anyway. I will text you when I get my phone back up and running. Or I'll see you. Or I'll sneak out and phase and come find you. You know, touch base on the shared-brain-plane? One of those. Don't worry about me ok?"

"You make that really hard sometimes," he grumbled.

"Aw," I pouted but of course he couldn't see. "Love you too!" I hung up and dialed Sam.

"Hey," I said when he answered. "This is Kim. Sorry about all this but I promise everything is fine. Can I swing by Emily's place after school? I think I left my phone charger there."

"Kim, sneak out of school, and as soon as you are alone, get to the woods and phase." Sam spoke slowly and intentionally. Again I sighed.

"Look Sam," I said. "I just talked to Jared. I'm not sneaking out of school. Everything's fine." I listened for an answer, but I heard nothing but static. "Sam?" I paused. "Oh was that supposed to be an order? Do those even work over the phone?"

This time Sam sighed. "Not on you, apparently."

"Sorry."

"Have you seen the Cullens?"

"Just Edward and Alice," I said. "Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie all graduated last year."

There was a knock on the bathroom door. I jumped, so startled I nearly dropped Jess's phone. "Uh... occupied!"

"What?" Sam asked.

"Someone knocking," I said, lowering my voice. "I'm hiding in a bathroom. It's fine."

"How'd Bella look?"

My throat tightened a bit. "Good. Too good. I don't-I just-I can't imagine forgiving someone, if someone had done that to me, you know? I don't know how she could forgive him and act like nothing happened. I don't know, maybe he told her I convinced him to leave for her own good, but even still..."

There was another, louder knock on the door.

"Just a minute!" I called out. "I'm like, super constipated!" Then I lowered my voice again. "Sam, I gotta go, but I'll see you after school if you're home."

"I won't be far," he said.

"Bye."

I hung up and hid Jess's phone in my bra, in case it was a teacher knocking. I quickly prepped my excuses if that were the case. _Yes, I know we aren't allowed to use our cell phones during school hours. Who was I talking to while I was alone in the bathroom? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. I have a rich tapestry of imaginary friends. It's invigorating._ But it wasn't a teacher. It was Edward Cullen.

"What?" I asked him.

"Alice was surprised that she couldn't see anything this morning," he said. "The day was crystal clear and then everything just vanished. I had planned to ask you if some of your friends were planning on stopping by, but then I realized it was _you_. You've changed." I didn't say anything. I didn't need to. He could see my mind. He knew what had happened to me last week, the anger that followed, and where that anger had left me. My throat was too tight to speak anyway.

"I'm sorry that happened to you," he said.

"Me too," I said. "But that doesn't mean I'm sorry for what I am. Everything has changed."

"Victoria's back," Edward said.

"The female? Yes. She's still here, but no one's seen her since you and your family arrived."

"You couldn't kill her?"

"We tried," I said. "But no, we couldn't. They killed the other one-"

"Laurent," Edward offered.

"Sure. They killed Laurent, but Victoria is... evasive." I thought about how she slipped by us so easily that time and how my vision went when I tried to chase her. As if she were supernaturally lucky.

"That's an interesting theory," Edward said. He was referring to my theory that she had some sort of extraordinary ability, like Edward's mind reading, only something more latent. Now that the Cullens were going to be back things would get complicated.

"Victoria's our problem," Edward said. "You don't need to worry about her. We'll handle it."

"She's our problem too," I insisted. "She killed on our land."

"Then keep her off your land," he said, his tone cold. I glared at him. "Bella won't be going over there so Victoria won't have reason to be there anyways."

I froze, suddenly aware of the rising heat in my chest. Edward and I were far from friends, but I thought we understood each other. He could read my mind and I was usually able to read his face. We were allies once, long ago, but I couldn't deny the flash of heat I felt when he said, _Bella won't be going over there_ , as if he owned her. The way he looked at me, down his slightly wrinkled nose, as if I was the one who smelled. As if he knew everything in the world just because he was a thousand years old. As if he alone got to decide what was right for Bella.

Then the contempt on Edward's face melted into something resembling pity, which made everything so much worse. "It's not your fault," he said softly. "You're _dangerous_. You all are. You can't control your tempers, and your outbursts can be disastrous. I'm grateful for the friendship that you and your friend Jacob gave her while I was gone, but that all needs to end now." He looked down at my vibrating hands and frowned. "Do you need to go outside?"

I shook my head but the shaking didn't slow. "Don't pretend like you have any _ability_ to do what's best for her," I spat. "You _knew_ what was best for her. You tried to do it, and you _failed_."

I stomped past him and threw open the door at the end of the hall. It was pouring outside. I stood under the awning and tried to calm down, but I couldn't stop analyzing what I'd seen in his eyes. How dare he act like we were the ones who were in danger of harming Bella? Why was it so easy for him to justify his own feelings as rational and write off mine as evidence of an uncontrollable temper? I was furious, seething to the point of shaking, but also baffled that someone who could read minds was so blinded by his own biases. I knew I shouldn't be outraged to find out that he hated me as much as I hated him, but it felt grossly unfair that he hated me for what I was when I only hated him for what he'd done. I took deep breaths as I watched the rain fall, trying to turn off my brain, but I couldn't help but think about Edward and his ridiculous, hypocritical judgements, and about Bella and how she'd let herself melt into warm putty in his callous, cold, dead hands.


	23. Furballs for Feminism

_Late!_ Quil barked.

_Sorry! I got held up!_

_Aunt Laina?_ Quil asked. _I'm honestly surprised she hasn't sent you off to military school by now. Did she yell at you again?_

_Worse._ I thought back to my exchange with mom. _She cried._

_That's worse?_ Quil asked.

_Nothing's scarier than woman tears, cuz,_ I thought.

_Yikes, what happened to 'Furballs for Feminism'?_ Leah asked, referring to our latest coalition name.

_It's called irony, Leah!_ I rolled my eyes. _Only a coward would balk in the face of tears! But thank you for noticing. This is why you're the captain of feminism._

_Why is it me?_

_Well,_ I paused to let my thoughts take shape. _We_ are _neck and neck in the speed category. We've nabbed the top two spots there, which is a fabulous win for wolfy women worldwide._

_Uh-huh,_ she thought, dreading where this was going.

_We are also_ highly _regarded in the cuteness category, although, I am sorry to inform you that I come out above you head and shoulders in that regard._

_Noted,_ she thought. Leah had gone for a full haircut as opposed to the shaggy sort of half-bob that I was rocking. It suited her. She looked totally badass as a human, and as a wolf she was far sleeker and less cute than I was, which didn't upset her because cuteness was not her objective. I was by far the fluffiest, which was a bit of an inconvenience but I was too nervous to cut it any further. What if I had a weirdly shaped head?

_Probably do,_ Quil thought. _Bet you got dropped as a baby. Would explain a lot._

I growled, momentarily distracted. _Right, the ranking!_ Everyone mentally groaned. _Leah you have to be the feminist captain because, tragically, there is more to all of this than sheer cuteness. We also have to fight vampires. So the most important ranking is the badass ranking, of which you are the top dog._

_No she isn't!_ Seth howled.

_Shh!_ Leah scolded. _Howling is the signal, dummy!_

_Sorry!_

We waited, silent, but luckily no one else joined. We all sighed. Quil strongly disagreed with my badass assessment. Sam was trying desperately to stay impartial, and rise above the nonsense. Jacob was tuning all of us out entirely. His mind was elsewhere.

_Here me out, loyal sisters! Oh and also... brethren I guess._ I intentionally tacked this on as an afterthought, a little jab at the others who repeatedly referred to the pack as a brotherhood, called each other brothers, and the sons of the spirit warriors, even though Leah and I had been here for almost two weeks now. _Leah buzzed her entire head, in spite of endless societal pressure that women need to have long hair to be feminine. And without any insight as to what the shape of her head is! What courage in the face of adversity!_

My claim was neither defended or refuted. I was a little surprised no one had cut me off by now. I wasn't even supposed to be here now. Sam assigned to the night shift with Jared, Paul, and Embry but I hadn't been able to sneak out, so I was trying to make it up with a Saturday morning shift, which I had also almost missed. Not that it mattered. We hadn't seen a trace of Victoria since the Cullens returned, and to be honest I was kind of an accessory here anyways.

_That's not true._ Quil tried to reassure me, but I could tell he didn't believe it. I thought back to the strange vision I'd had both times I came close to danger in wolf form. I couldn't make sense of it. It had never happened to the others. It was entirely within my head too. No one else had ever had a vision like mine, and no one had any theories as to what they were. I wondered if it could be a warning of some kind, like a canine sixth sense that I was in danger, but momentary visual impairment was a pretty shitty warning.

_It actually… kind of works out that you're here right now, Kim,_ Sam thought. His mind shifted towards the Cullens and Bella, which captured Jacob's attention. _I think it might be good to talk about school when Jared isn't around._ When I realized where his mind was, I agreed. Sam wanted me to stay at Forks, and Jared would not like that. _Only if you are ok with that of course!_ Sam pictured the benefits before he put his thoughts into words. _I think it would be good to have someone close to the situation. So we can keep an eye on them._

_Yeah and if you could talk some sense into Bella while you're at it that'd be great._ Jacob's thoughts were sarcastic but the undertones of hope were undeniable.

Unfortunately, Bella and I were not on great terms. I thought back to my disastrous confrontation with Edward last week, when he announced that he would keep Bella away from all of us, and felt justified in keeping Bella locked in his world because _we_ could be bad for her. Since then, I hadn't been able to get Bella alone. Edward drove her to and from school. Alice even went with her to the bathroom. It certainly didn't help that I was dealing with a mind reader and a fortune teller. Even with Alice's powers limited, they seemed to know all of my plans before I even made them. It was infuriating.

Lauren and Jess were also totally thrown. Even knowing as little as they did about the situation, they were creeped out by Bella's behavior and lack of anger towards Edward. We'd started sitting at a different table at lunch, ironically the Cullen's former table. Traces of their scents still lingered there after all this time. I sat in Edward's old seat, and sometimes stared him down from across the room.

A good portion of the table followed us, but a few stayed. Mike Newton, infinitely hopeful, sulked at their table every day. Angela stayed too, which I didn't understand.

"Oh, come on Angela," Jess said one day while we all sat in the cafeteria before school. I polished off my third breakfast sandwich as we spoke.

"Hungry?" Lauren teased, nodding at the mountain of foil beside me.

"I've been running." My words were muffled by a mouthful of bread and eggs.

"But, you hate exercise," Lauren whispered, eyes narrowed slightly. I'd turned her down for so many gym dates she'd stopped asking.

"I didn't say I was enjoying it."

Jess turned back to Angela. "You have to admit it's a little twisted." Angela looked down. "Or _weird_ at the very least. You can admit that it's weird right?"

"Yeah," Angela said. "But she seems a lot… happier now-"

"Yeah but Edward was _remorseless_ when he left," Lauren said. "He left without a backward glance. I mean how hard is it to pick up a fucking phone?"

"We don't really know what happened though," Angela said. "I mean do any of you know how they broke up?" I winced. "What?"

"Bit my cheek," I lied.

"I know," Lauren said. "He dumped her, and she fell to pieces."

"Hey," Jess cautioned. I sighed. Lauren was being harsh but she was right.

"Listen," Lauren said. "All I'm trying to say, is that he's _awful_ and she's a lost cause. If she wants to mindlessly drool over this boy until the end of time, or more likely, until he gets bored, leaves, _again,_ and leaves her a depressed mess, _again,_ that's _fine_. That's her choice. It doesn't mean any of us have to sit around and watch. We tried to help. She didn't want it."

I'd nodded at the time, but Jacob growled at my memory. _I'm not giving up,_ he thought, holding firm. _Your friend doesn't know what's at stake. We do._

Even though I was pissed at Bella for falling right back into Edward's arms and kicking Jacob to the curb like he was trash, I knew I couldn't give up on Bella either. Jacob was right about the stakes, and he was my brother now. His pain was mine, and I had to do everything in my power to ease his suffering.

* * *

Next weekend we had a bonfire. I snuck out again. Mom was going to kill me.

"Why didn't you tell me she was grounded?" Jacob asked, his head in his hands. I knew the question was directed at me even though he was staring into the fire.

"I didn't know."

"How could you not know?" He asked, his voice high. "What's the point of going to school with them if you can't talk to her?"

I rolled my eyes at Jacob's assessment that the only reason for going to Forks was to spy on Bella. "I haven't had a chance to talk to her. I told you. She's never alone. Not even for a second. Edward knows I want to talk to her, and he's determined not to let that happen." Jacob sulked and kept his eyes on the fire. I sighed and reached for a fifth hotdog. Jared smirked at me but passed them over. "You shouldn't have ratted her out either way. Snitching doesn't win you points, dude." Jacob glared at me, shaking, but Sam put a hand on his shoulder and the shaking slowed.

In a desperate move, Jacob left the motorcycle Bella had been secretly riding in her driveway for her protective, police chief father to see. Jacob had ignored her calls before, thinking that Edward was stopping her from coming to see him in person, but apparently it was her father who had put her on house arrest. Now she was on... even more house arrest? I had no idea. I reached for another hotdog.

"Should we save any for Leah?" Emily asked.

"She's not coming," I said as I skewered it.

In spite of all the annoyances that came with the Cullen's return, there were some conveniences too. Most importantly, Victoria had not been seen since the Cullens came back which is why Sam had relaxed patrols. We were all taking a night off, except for Leah who'd insisted on a solo-patrol and was now running laps around town to sweat out her frustration. She didn't want to have to interact with Sam outside of "work." I'd offered to go with her.

"No," she said. "You should go have fun. Jared's going to start getting jealous of all the time we've been spending together."

I smirked. "Jared will be sad, but you would be sparing most of the others."

"They all like you. It's me they don't like."

"That's not true."

"Go have fun."

Everyone was uncomfortable with both of us. Before Leah and I joined, the pack dealt with some level of confused attraction towards each other's partners and crushes, which they handled with ribbing and laughter and sworn secrecy. Perhaps werewolves had more vivid dreams, which would be awkward enough if we weren't reading each other's minds every day. The dreams were pretty educational for Seth, Quil, and Jacob who were all virgins. Before I'd joined, Paul had dreamed of Emily and me before. Sam and Jared mostly dreamed about Emily and me respectively, but they weren't immune to confused fantasies. Once Sam had a sex dream about me and was horrified. Since Leah and I had joined, things had gone from mild to extreme awkwardness as the confused romantic feelings extended towards Jared and Sam. Paul dreamed about Jared once and tried to blame me for it. Leah and I dreamed about each other. Eventually Jared had a sex dream with himself, which really put the nonsense into perspective. We never teased him relentlessly for it, of course.

"What are you thinking about?" Jared asked me, at a very inopportune time.

"Sex dreams," I said. He laughed. "You?"

"You." He looked at me, then we both looked around the fire. It was dying down. Sam and Emily were only talking to each other. Paul, Quil, and Embry were wrapped up in some kind of crypto-currency bullshit and Seth was looking up at them, eyes shining, just happy to be included. Jacob sulked alone. "Want to throw some rocks?"

"Yeah!"

"Is that code for something, cuz?" Quil asked, raising an eyebrow. The crypto-convo fell silent.

I refused to take the bait. "No, we're actually going to throw rocks. Some poor whale is about to get concussed!" I grabbed Jared's hand and we took off down the beach, laughing.

I picked up a baseball sized stone and lobbed it. "Woah!" It sailed through the air in a high arc. It landed between waves and far enough out that I didn't see it splash. I beamed back at him.

Jared grinned. "You definitely win for most improved." I laughed and threw another one. Jared joined in. The competition was steep. It ended in me declaring a tie, Jared rolling his eyes, and then laughter from both of us. That's the way this game usually ended for us. We looked at each other then, laughter dying down, but still smiling. We were close enough to kiss when I broke away from his gaze, turning to see that we were still in clear sight of the fire. I smiled at Jared, raised an eyebrow, backed a way a step, and then ran down the beach, away from the bonfire. I heard Jared chasing after me. We were laughing again, giggles between breaths.

We weren't as fast as we were in our wolf forms, but I realized with glee that I could still outpace him. I slowed and let him catch up. We kissed by the waves then ran for the trees.

* * *

Mom and I were still fighting. I was sneaking out less now that Sam didn't feel the need to run as many patrols, and was going to school every day, but she wasn't appeased. She knew I was hiding something and the secret was festering. She was also desperate to know my post graduation plans, and I shared no information. She didn't know about the Columbia acceptance, and I had no plans to tell her. The deadline was in two weeks. I finally decided on deferring for a year, which Sam said would probably be enough time to get my transformations under control. If mom found out I deferred with no plans on how to fill my gap year, she would not be thrilled, but if I told her I had no plans or prospects at all that might be worse. An empty year felt so daunting, and I could only imagine how sick of each other we would be if I stayed under her roof for another year. Jared had some ideas.

"We could maybe get a place," he suggested. "I can find a job over the summer. Maybe you could go back to the lab? I bet we could find something cheap near the Rez."

I didn't love that idea, because the plan of making enough to rent a place didn't leave much room for the plan of saving up and moving to New York in a year. Jared was excited about the thought of a chill year together, but was decidedly not excited about the thought of moving to New York after. I couldn't blame him. I pictured how difficult his life would be, how many hours he would have to work just to exist in New York. I pictured him, working long hours and crammed in a studio with roommates he didn't know, while I went to classes and labs and lived in a dorm provided by my financial aid package, with visiting hours and a roommate standing between us. We would never be able to see each other. Maybe I should convince him to stay home for the first year and just see him over breaks? Maybe I should give up on Columbia and apply to different schools over my gap year? I tried not to think about it.

To the best of my knowledge Bella was still on lockdown, but for some baffling reason, Edward was given visiting hours. Jacob's mood continued to deteriorate. He was edging on depression now, which was understandable given that he'd been treated like a back up plan, or a placeholder. His dad, Billy, was planning on hosting a gathering on Saturday. He was going to try to convince Charlie to let Bella come. I figured Charlie would cave, but I bet Edward would have some feelings about that.

Turns out he did. Bella and Edward weren't in school on Friday. Curiosity was eating me, so by lunch I went out of my way to cross paths with Alice in the lunch-line as she proceeded with her wasteful habit of buying food that she would only pretend to eat.

"Where are the lovebirds today?" I asked her, trying to sound casual. I had a chance at fooling her. Unlike her brother she couldn't read minds.

"They went to Florida to visit Bella's mom," she said.

"Florida?" I raised an eyebrow. "That's nice. I'll bet they're looking forward to a little sunshine."

Alice ignored the jab. Vampires couldn't enjoy sunshine, at least not in public given their ridiculous sparkly skin. "The plane tickets were a present from Esme. They were about to expire."

"Well I'm glad they were able to use them." I kept my voice cool. "It would be a shame if she couldn't go because she was grounded."

Alice didn't answer. She gathered the food required for her endless charade of human-who-eats, and went to sit next to spineless Angela and Ben.

Jared texted me after school. _Are you coming to Jacob's tonight?_

Me: _Sorry I have plans._

Jared: _Haha. You need a ride? Or is your mom coming too?_

Me: _No I srsly have plans. Sorry._

Jared: _What plans?_

Me: _Uh... tuba lesson?_

Jared: _Just tell me._

Me: _Fine. Leah and I are racing._

Jared: _Again?_

Me: _Yeah because we've only done sprints before! I feel like I have a shot when it comes to distance!_

Jared: _Why does it have to be tonight? I thought we were going to hang out?_

I frowned. It was tempting and I did feel bad, but I knew there was no way it wouldn't be awkward, hanging out with friends while my mom watched me in silent fury. I didn't want to admit it but I was avoiding her. I was avoiding Jacob too. He was miserable and although Jacob insisted that my actions were not the cause of his emotional state, I felt partly responsible for his misery, and I didn't want to be there when he found out why Bella wasn't coming. So I proposed the idea of a race to Leah so we could avoid people together.

Me: _Leah's idea._

Mom stopped by my room before she left. I had my laptop open. I was frantically typing an already overdue essay. "Are you coming tonight?"

I didn't have to pretend to be stressed. "I'm sorry, I really have to finish this."

She left. I waited for ten minutes after I heard the car pull away. Then I changed into the maxi dress that had now spent more of its life in a bush behind my house than on my body, and slipped out the door. Minutes later I was running.

_Hey,_ Leah greeted me. I ran towards her. _Yikes, way to throw me under the bus._

_Sorry!_ I whined.

_It's all good,_ she thought. _Ugh poor Jacob._

_Yeah,_ I thought. Leah understood better than anyone what he was feeling.

_That's different._

I wasn't so sure. I thought about the way Bella looked at Edward, like nothing in the world could change how she felt. Maybe it wasn't so different from getting rawked.

_Gross,_ she thought. _Don't let Jared and Sam hear you thinking like that._

_Don't snitch on me!_ I saw Leah just over the next hill.

_Not an option!_ In a second we were side by side.

_Yeah, yeah, no secrets in the shared-brain-plane. So are we doing this?_

_Yeah if you're down._ She felt my excitement. _You must love losing._

_You'll be singing a different song soon._

We took off, paws pounding the already worn inner loop. Fifty laps. That's what we agreed to. About an hour of running.

_Maybe for you,_ Leah taunted. _I'll be done in forty minutes._

_That's what you think,_ I thought. _But you're going to get tired._

Leah found this very funny. _You say that like you won't._

_I won't. I've been carb-loading for this marathon my whole life!_

I lost sight of her by the fourth lap. By the twelfth, she lapped me, ecstatic as she passed.

_We'll both have to keep track of our own laps from now on,_ she informed me. Her intention to subtly brag was plain in her mind.

_Shut up,_ I grumbled. My legs and paws ached. Werewolf muscles were able to operate aerobically for longer, but apparently not indefinitely. I could feel the faint beginnings of lactic acid accumulation.

_Nerd!_ Leah jeered. I scanned her mind for any signs of slowing. She wasn't even aching yet. _You can forfeit if you want._

_I'm not quitting._ I gritted my teeth through the pain. It was a mental game.

_Jesus._ Leah rolled her eyes but let me be.

Two laps later, Leah skidded to a halt in front of me. I slid into her.

_What-_ I didn't even have time to phase a question before I smelled it. Vampire.

Leah took off again.

_What are you doing?_ I ran after her.

_It's on our land,_ she growled. _It's up to us._ She was already pulling ahead. It was Victoria. I remembered her scent from that day on the cliffs.

_I'm not much of a fighter._ I panicked, remembering my last disastrous encounter with Victoria, where I went temporarily blind and nearly fell to my death.

_Then get the others._

I sprinted to Jacob's house, fear numbing the pain in my limbs. They should be there by now. When I caught a glimpse of the lit windows through the trees I started howling and barking. I just hoped they would hear. I circled the house from just behind the trees. I saw Jared slip out the back. He ran for the trees, stripping off his clothes as he went.

_Damn,_ I thought as I watched.

_Focus,_ Leah growled. Victoria's scent was straying from the path towards Bella's house. She was following. Thank god no one was home.

_Kim?_ Jared asked.

_Jared!_

_I'm following it wherever it goes,_ Leah thought. _It was on our land._

_What?_ Jared thought, while I frantically tried to fill him in.

_Victoria!_

_Who's Victoria?_

_The female. Are the others coming?_ I asked.

_Sam sent me to check what you needed,_ Jared thought.

_And how are you supposed to report back?_ Leah snapped. _Because now would be the time to call in the cavalry. If Sam wants me to wait up he better tell me himself._

Jared started barking. They decided on silence for "all's well," and barking for "oh shit!"

_Aw smart!_ I chirped.

Leah snarled. _Let's go!_

Jared and I took off. The others would be coming. I wondered what the others, especially my mom, would think of all the boys exiting the party to investigate mysterious barking outdoors and not returning, leaving no trace aside from all of their clothing strewn across the yard. I wondered how Billy and Uncle Quil would play that one off. I kept to Jared's pace but it made me nervous that Leah was so far ahead.

_Maybe you should wait up?_ I asked her.

_Fat chance._

I gritted my teeth, wondered if I should run ahead. I couldn't help but think about what would happen when Leah caught up. She would need backup, even mediocre backup, and every second would count.

_Don't you dare,_ Jared growled. He was planning to tackle me if I tried.

_Fall back, Leah,_ Sam ordered even though Leah was immune to alpha orders like I was. Sam's instructions held no weight over her, but she slowed anyway.

_What's going on, team?_ Quil asked. We filled him in. _Oh sick! Action time!_

One by one the others filed in. Someone must have texted Embry and Paul. When Jacob came in, his disappointment at not seeing Bella tonight, anger at Edward, and frustration at Charlie were all apparent, but muted by excitement. I flinched, hoping he didn't realize that part of my reasons for skipping the party was because I didn't want to be the one to deliver the news.

_Are you serious?_ Jacob thought.

At the same time as Jared sighed. _R_ _eally!?_

Leah though, _I knew you didn't_ seriously _think you could win a race against me._

_This mind reading thing blows,_ I grumbled.

_Focus guys,_ Sam thought.

Jared and I caught up to Leah. Then Sam caught up. Then Jacob. Sam decided five was enough of a strike team. We followed the trail, the rest of the pack tailing behind.

_Are we going to follow her into Cullen land if she crosses?_ Paul asked.

_No,_ Sam thought. _We'll split up. Leave one team in La Push in case she crosses back over. Send a second team to loop around the Cullens' land and see if we can head her off on the other side._

The pack members immediately began drawing for spots. It seemed like I was the only one who was nervous. Everyone else was itching for action, debating which team was more likely to get it. Jared didn't care as long as I was in the same group as him.

_We should be able to find her either way,_ Sam thought. _As long as the Cullens aren't sitting on their asses, and let her camp out on their land._

_They know,_ I thought. All planning fell silent.

_What!?_

_They knew Victoria was coming tonight,_ I clarified. _So they'll be out tonight too._

_Why didn't you say anything?_ Quil gasped.

_Because I didn't put it together until now._ I kicked myself for not realizing sooner. _Alice can see the future. She would have seen Victoria coming back. That's why Edward whisked Bella all of the way to Florida for the weekend. I thought it was over a stupid party._ I sighed. _They'll be ready too. They'll want this over tonight._

Everyone groaned at my assessment. The thought of all of the effort of the pack ending in such an anti-climatic way was pretty disappointing. Even to me, the thought of Victoria, disappearing into the Cullen's land and not emerging, was dissatisfying. I imagined never knowing exactly what happened, just getting a vague "all clear" from Edward or Alice and having to take that.

_It might not come to that,_ Sam allowed. I could see what he meant. Victoria's trail was right along the border between their land and ours.

_How does she know?_ I wondered. It was like she was reading it from a map. But why? We caught a glimpse of her through the trees. I felt the rush of our combined excitement. We sped up. Jacob, Seth, Paul, and Embry all adjusted course to try to head her off. We were gaining on her. Leah sped to strike. I sped up too.

Leah drifted over the line as she closed in to keep Victoria on our side. Then I caught a glimpse of something else through the trees and I realized exactly what Victoria was planning.

_Stop!_ I yelped, as I pushed myself to run faster, not towards Victoria, but towards Leah, willing her to stop. She didn't slow. My thoughts were incoherent. She didn't understand.

As I searched for words, the color started to bleed from the world. _Not now!_ The ringing in my ears drowned out every sound, even my own thoughts. I couldn't feel the wind rushing through my fur, or even the ground beneath my paws, but I pushed blindly forward, desperate to reach Leah, driven by fear.

When the world swam back into focus I felt panic echoing from all of the pack, especially Jared. Then I saw the hulking silhouette of Emmett Cullen, only a few feet in front of me. I dug in my paws, skidding to slow my momentum, but I couldn't stop in time.

I slid right into him. It was like colliding with a marble statue. He snarled, a low dangerous sound, and bared his fangs. I tried to jump back but he grabbed my thick fur. I felt a painful tearing as I tried to pull away, but he didn't loosen his hold. His eyes were dark and angry. Rosalie appeared beside him, her beautiful face twisting into a scowl.

_No!_ Jared howled and charged toward us. I tugged again. The pain was intense but the fear was worse.

_Jared stop!_ Sam ordered. Jared's legs buckled. His fear was palpable, eclipsing even my own.

Leah abandoned the chase, circling back. Carlisle ran to Emmett.

"Let her go, Emmett," he said. I was surprised by the calmness of his voice. I whimpered involuntarily, shaking.

Jasper came close too. "She's scared, Emmett," he said. "She doesn't mean any harm."

Emmett's grip loosened. I scrambled away crossing back over the border in less than a second. Everyone fell back to diffuse the building tension and defend their families if necessary. Victoria slipped away, completely forgotten. Once I was back on the La Push side, Jared shouldered me behind him, his relief washing over the minds of the entire pack. My heart was still pounding.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._ I couldn't help but think the word with every thump of my racing heart.

_Shh,_ Jared thought to me, pressing his side against mine. He was the only one who wasn't trying to tone down any anger towards me. His relief drowned everything else out. The Cullen's were calming each other down too.

A one sided conversation started. The Cullens spoke. We listened. They realized I had made a mistake and wasn't trying to attack them. Jasper seemed pretty confident about that. Carlisle explained that they had a vested interest in killing Victoria, and asked if we would let them take over the chase for the night. Sam nodded.

_Let's go,_ Jared thought, gently pushing me away from the line. I followed him numbly. For the first time, I realized I had to accept my bizarre visions as a massive liability rather than an unfortunate quirk. I wanted to apologize to everyone, but I couldn't even think the words through the shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you all thought of this THICC chapter. Hope it makes up for the itty-bitty chapters I've been posting lately. Thank you to everyone who has given kudos or commented! I like hearing your feedback and predictions! Be careful if you're traveling this week! Wash your hands, wear a mask, and stay safe!


	24. The Bench

When we got back to Sam and Emily's house, Emily ran out to hug Sam in the yard. Sam borrowed some of Emily's clothes for me, and for Leah who had apparently insisted on sticking around. I didn't remember the discussion. Quil was here too. Jacob, Embry, Paul, and Seth waited by the border in the off chance that Victoria wandered back towards town.

Jared and I sat in the woods behind the house. He waited with me the whole time, even though it took me a full forty minutes to calm down enough to phase back. Then he phased back too. My hands shook as I got dressed and as we walked towards the house.

"You ok?" Jared asked.

I wasn't. "I'm not going to phase back." We went inside.

The others fell quiet when we walked through the door, all eyes fixed on me. They'd been talking about me. I collapsed on the bright yellow couch. Jared sat next to me and rubbed my back. Quil patted my knee once. Leah hopped off her typical spot on the counter to come sit next to me.

"I'm sorry," I said. Those were the words I was looking for.

"You didn't mean to," Sam said. "And eventually the Cullens realized that it was an accident. And if you hadn't, someone else might have crossed the border. You were the first one to see them there." He glanced at Leah as he said this. I shook my head a few times. Leah had drifted across the border, but she hadn't accidentally charged into one of the Cullens, costing us our chance at catching Victoria. I did.

"That said." Sam paused to take a deep breath. "This is what? The third time that you've uh-" he trailed off. We all knew what he was talking about. The third time I'd lost my sight and all of my other senses at a crucial moment, ruining a mission or nearly costing myself my life. My throat felt tight. I looked up at him, wondering what he expected me to do about it. He had to know I had no control over it. He'd seen into my mind. My mind was blank. "I think you should sit out." I looked up at him, shocked. "I'm sorry," Sam said. "I know you can't control it, and none of us know why it's happening, only that it _is_ , and it's happening at the worst possible times. It might be stress related, like a panic attack." I glared at him. It was nothing like a panic attack and he knew it. "Or not, but it doesn't change anything. I can't let you put yourself in danger."

"It should be up to _me_ whether I'm willing to put myself in danger," I said, through my teeth.

Sam shook his head. "Not when you're putting the rest of us in danger too." His voice was gentle, which made it worse. "Jared won't be able to focus. He'd put himself in harm's way if you're in danger. Probably some of the others would too."

I looked at Jared, Leah, and Quil for backup, but all of their expressions were the same. I knew Jared already agreed more or less with Sam, but it hurt more than I cared to admit to see that Quil and Leah felt the same way. Sam must have convinced them while I was trying to phase back. I waited for someone to say something but the silence wore on.

"So what then," I asked, though my voice was too flat to be a question. "I'm out? Just like that?"

"No, not _out,"_ Sam said. "You're still in the pack, of course, you're a... sister." I didn't smile and neither did Leah. For once listening to Sam struggle with the pack gender norms didn't cheer me up.

"Then what?" I asked.

"I'm asking you to sit out," Sam said. "Just until the female is off the board. Maybe the Cullens will get her tonight." Sam shrugged. I doubted it. I was growing more and more certain that she had some sort of evasive ability at her disposal. "If not, we can't really have you running with us unless we can be sure that your uh… episodes won't interfere. You uh-I think you should get help, Kim."

I clenched my jaw. I thought I would start shaking, but for once I felt too cold. The word _episodes_ was so grating. I'd only heard that word used by men at the expense of women, as if emotions made women too hysterical to cope with trauma or hold power. "I should go." I stood up to leave.

Leah said, "Kim."

Quil said, "Cuz."

Sam said, "Let me give you a ride home at least."

All at the same time.

"I need to walk," I snapped, as I wrenched the door open and stepped outside. Jared followed me. I didn't acknowledge him, not even to tell him to leave me alone. I wasn't going to tell him this of course, but I almost wished it was Leah who followed me instead. She would understand how I felt.

"I'm sorry, Kim," Jared said. "It's really not personal. Sam didn't mean to make you feel bad or anything. It's just that no one wants you to get hurt." I didn't answer for a long time. I just stewed in silence.

"He's right, I guess," I said, finally. "Whatever it is. Panic attacks. Unfortunately timed black outs. It's putting everyone at risk." I lowered my voice. I was the one who needed to hear what I had to say most. "I don't belong in this world."

"Of course you do," Jared insisted, surprising me. His eyes were wide in disbelief. "I mean maybe not _that_ way. You don't have to put yourself in danger to belong here, Kim. You just do." I swallowed. He wrapped his arm around me as we walked. I knew what he was trying to say: that I belonged in _his_ world.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I couldn't see it. I couldn't picture taking on a different role, playing the same part as Emily, cooking food and hosting meetings and waiting at home, not knowing whether the people I loved were safe or not, and knowing I could do nothing to help them if they weren't. I thought of the way she ran out of the house to embrace Sam when he came home. She was at a party before, forced to play it off like nothing happened when Jared sounded the alarm, letting her know that she absolutely _should_ worry. I couldn't handle that. Not after seeing what I'd seen first hand. I thought back to last spring and summer when Jared refused to even talk about 'work' because he thought I couldn't handle even hearing about what he was up to. The thought of going back to _that_ made my blood boil. I didn't want a backseat role. I didn't just want to just be someone's partner, supporter, or rock. I wanted to be in the pack. I wanted to be a Protector. But how could I, if I couldn't even protect myself?

"Maybe we should have taken that ride," Jared said. "We didn't beat your mom."

Her car was in the driveway, but the lights were out.

"I left my door shut," I said. "There's a chance she thought I was asleep and didn't check. She's probably asleep now."

"Text me tomorrow?"

"Sure."

He kissed me, lips moving like he wanted more, but I pulled away. "Good night." I looked back when I got to the porch, and he was still there, watching me. I opened the door and stepped inside.

The lights turned on, blinding my eyes that were so accustomed to darkness. "Where were you?" I cringed. I really couldn't handle any more tonight. "You said you had to _study._ Do you enjoy lying to my face? And whose clothes are those?"

I looked down at Emily's floral blouse and fumbled for a reasonable explanation, but my mind was numb. And I didn't think I could have come up with a reasonable explanation even if my mind was in order. I burst into tears.

"Kim." Mom came over and hugged me. I could feel her softening. I knew my reaction was worse because I'd been holding back tears all night, and because I knew I couldn't tell her why, but as she held me, I realized she might understand better than anyone what it's like to be torn between two worlds.

"I got into Columbia," I told her, between sobs.

She froze. "What?"

"Columbia University. In New York City."

"I know where it is," she breathed. "When? I didn't even know you applied. I was afraid to ask. I thought maybe you didn't make it in anywhere, or didn't get aid-"

"I got the aid." I sniffed and wiped my nose with a shaking hand. "I can take loans too. I can make it work. Money isn't the problem."

"What is the problem?" She asked. I let out another soft cry. I couldn't say anything, so I just cried, waiting for her to piece it together. "Does Jared know?"

She let me cry for a while, uninterrupted, until my breath was stable enough for words. "How do you tell someone you love that you both belong in different worlds?"

"Oh, Kim." Her voice was deep with sympathy. She rubbed my shoulder. "Very gently, Kim. You tell them honestly, but very gently."

* * *

I checked my phone when I woke up.

Jared: _You doing ok?_

I rolled over so I could text easier.

Me: _Yeah._

Jared: _You going to be ok at school today?_

Me: _Why wouldn't I be?_

I saw that he was typing. I waited for his response but there wasn't one. I sighed and stared at my laptop as I got up to get dressed. I wasn't going to look this morning, but I couldn't resist. I flipped open my laptop and mashed the refresh button on my email. A message from Columbia appeared at the top of my inbox.

_We are writing to inform you that we have received your confirmation. We are pleased to welcome you to the class of 2024. Please use the links below to enter the student portal and access the new student guide…_

I shut my laptop, breathing heavy. It was done. I pulled out my phone.

Me: _We should probably talk._

Jared was typing for a while.

Jared: _Want me to call you after school?_

Me: _Can we meet up? Whenever you're free?_

Jared: _Yeah will your mom be ok with that?_

Me: _Yeah I'm pretty sure I'm ungrounded._

Jared: _Really? She didn't realize you snuck out last night?_

I didn't answer. I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. Mom smiled at me from the car.

"You look beat, Kim," she said.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Me neither." She looked over at me. "I'm so proud of you. For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing."

"I know."

"Have you decided how to tell Jared?"

"We're going to meet up after school."

"Good luck, Kim."

"Thanks."

She smiled. "I know we've lived in small towns your whole life, so you don't realize how much is out there, but you are going to be amazed by what you find. Your whole world is going to open up Kim." I smiled wryly at the thought of discovering something more fantastical at Columbia than the secret worlds I'd found here. Mom misinterpreted my smile.

"That's the spirit," she said. "Try not to dwell too much on the negatives. Everything that's meant to happen will happen."

I didn't say anything, even though I disagreed with her. I didn't believe in destiny. I believed destiny is what you made it. Jared and I talked about it often, because our positions were so different.

"I mean, of course I believe in free will, for most things," Jared had said one day on the beach. "Like everyone chooses what they want to eat and where to go everyday, but for the really big stuff. That has to be destiny."

I'd rolled my eyes at the time. I hadn't joined the pack yet. I hadn't seen into his mind. I didn't know what getting rawked felt like. I don't think I would have rolled my eyes now. I still believed in taking ownership of your own life. I believed that destiny was built, not given, but getting rawked raised questions I hadn't considered before.

Before, I hadn't thought it was that complicated. We chased pleasure. We avoided pain. We could make decisions too, to endure a little pain in anticipation of future rewards, but did it all boil down to reacting to stimuli? Was that all that free will was? Were we only imagining that we were making decisions when we lost track of the stimuli we were responding to? Getting rawked was a massive, constant stimulus. Was that destiny? When you were fully aware of the stimulus you were acting on, and of your inability to change course? Did it make a difference whether you were at the mercy of a higher power or chance? Or only that you were at the mercy of something larger than yourself.

Mom pulled up in front of the school. My thoughts scattered. I needed sleep. Today was going to suck. "Bye Kim."

"Bye mom."

As I walked toward the building I saw a familiar shape, leaning against a motorcycle.

"Jacob?" I asked, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"Are you alright?" He asked. "You look like shit."

"Likewise." I narrowed my eyes. "Did Jared send you?"

"I'm not here for you, Kim."

I sighed at his hostility, but reminded myself that I wasn't the only one who was miserable right now. I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see Edward and Bella step out of his car. "Good luck Jacob." He nodded and I left him alone.

I couldn't focus on anything happening in my classes. I spent the whole morning rehearsing what to say to Jared. How to make my words hurt less. At lunch I sat at my usual table with Lauren, Jess, and the others. When the Cullens came in I thought, _tell your family I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cross the border. I had an episode._ I grated as I repeated Sam's chosen words for my hallucination. _I'll stay out of your way. I'm sorry._

Edward looked up, locked eyes with me just for a second, then nodded once.

_Any luck?_ Again he met my eyes, and shook his head once. So Victoria had slipped away again. I was starting to give more and more credit to my theory that she had some sort of Houdini power. Edward smiled on the other side of the room.

I got a ride home from Lauren after school. I dropped my bags, ate what started as an apple, but progressed to an entire family sized bag of potato chips, and ended with two sandwiches. I borrowed mom's car and was at Jared's by four.

He watched me warily as he climbed into the car. I knew I looked rough, I'd seen myself in the mirror at home, but I hadn't been in the mood to do anything about it.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey." I thought he was going to say more but he just watched me, as if I were a grenade with a missing pin.

"Want to go to the beach?"

"Sure."

We were silent for the whole drive. We didn't say much on the beach either, as we walked along the water hand in hand.

"The leech got away," Jared said, finally, breaking the silence. I was almost surprised that he was talking about work.

"Yeah," I said. Jared raised an eyebrow. "Edward said," I explained. "Well actually, he didn't say anything. We had a silent conversation across the cafeteria. I saw Jacob at school though so I knew you already knew."

"That's not the only reason Jacob was there."

"To talk to Bella, right?" I asked. "How did that go?"

Jared frowned. "Not great."

"It sucks." I kicked a rock. I knew I was strong now, but I was still a little surprised when it sailed over twenty feet. "Nothing Jacob says is going to help though. Someone needs to talk some sense to her but it can't be Jacob. If he tries, he'll just drive her away."

"Have you tried?"

"If I get a chance I will. I still can't get her alone though," I grumbled. "The bloodsucker is always glued to her side, and he can read my mind so he knows what I'm planning. It's super frustrating." I looked up at Jared and frowned. "Why are you smiling?" I felt a single shiver of anger flow through me.

"Easy," he said, still smiling. "It's just, it's the first time you called them bloodsuckers."

"Well he's acting like a leech now, the way he's always latched on to her." Jared laughed at that too. I smiled. When Jared laughed I often found it hard not to join in.

We walked for a while, until we stopped to sit on our favorite dead tree. I remembered one time when we came here over the summer and found a couple of tourists already sitting there. It felt like an invasion. Jared even suggested that we try to convince them they were on private land, but I decided that was taking things too far. So far that was the only time we saw other people in our spot.

We watched the waves for a bit. Jared stroked my leg absentmindedly.

"Are you ok, Kim?" Jared asked, finally. "Did you want to talk about it?"

No, I didn't. I wasn't ready. I almost wished it was raining so I wouldn't have to ruin a perfect moment. He must have seen the pain written on my face. "Listen, Kim. I know it sucks, but I think Sam's right. It's really best if you sit out for a bit." I was shaking my head because he guessed wrong, but he misinterpreted it as me being upset. He pet my hair, and it was so tender and undeserved that my eyes welled with tears. "No, no, Kim, don't cry." He sounded panicked. He bundled me into his arms. Everything he did made me want to cry harder. "It'll be ok. It's only for a little bit. It's just, we don't know what's causing-whatever they are, but after we get rid of the female, then it'll be safe again, and we can try to work it out together."

I shook my head again. I was thrown by the direction of the conversation, because it wasn't exactly what I needed to talk about, but as he spoke, I realized just how related it all was. "We'll figure it out together, Kim," he said again. "We have time."

"I think Sam might be right," I said, stricken. Jared raised his eyes at me, cautiously. "I didn't see it at the time, but, I don't know. What if it is like a panic attack? It's kind of similar. They happen in stressful situations and I never really feel them coming on. It's like, like it's not until after I've had them that I realize how long they'd been building up." I trailed off a little. "But if that's true, I don't think I'll ever be able to control them. I've _been trying."_ My voice broke. "But I can't control them. They control me."

His arms tightened around me. "It's ok," he said.

"It's not ok." My voice shook. "How can it be ok? We're supposed to have this power for a reason. We're supposed to protect people. But I can't protect anyone."

"Kim-"

"I know you believe in destiny," I said, my voice a bit more level now. "And maybe for you it is fate. but-I'm here by a fluke, Jared. That's all. I just-I got so angry once that I crossed over. That wasn't fate. That wasn't _supposed_ to happen. I'm not _supposed_ to be in the pack. I don't belong here." I expected him to challenge me on that, but he didn't. He just watched me, not understanding the greater implications. I had to look away. "I accepted the Columbia offer," I said, slow and soft. "I'm going to New York in the fall."

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

He sighed and shook his head. "No, Kim, I know you're upset-"

"I've been thinking about it for a while-"

"Thinking about what?" Jared's voice was strained. "I've been hearing your thoughts about it for _weeks._ You were planning on taking a gap year. We were all on board. What changed?"

"Everything changed."

Jared wilted. His arms that had held me so tightly moments before went limp. His face crumpled in pain. "Everything." He repeated, his voice flat. I climbed awkwardly out of his arms and sat next to him. I shivered in the wind, cold leaving the shelter of his arms. I put my hand on his shaking shoulder.

"Not that," I said softly. "Not the way I feel about you. You know how I feel about you. That hasn't changed."

"Then why leave now?" He asked, shaking his head. "Why not next year?"

"Because it won't be any easier in a year."

He didn't answer. I knew we were both picturing the same thing. If I deferred and played house with Jared for a year I might not be able to work up the strength to go. Jared's hopes were my fears.

"It doesn't go away right?" I asked. "Imprinting? It's permanent right?"

His voice was small and filled with pain. "Do you want it to go away?"

"Kind of," I admitted, and he let out a soft sob before I could finish. "But only because I feel like I don't deserve it. And because I think you should have the ability to opt out and move on if you wanted to."

"I don't want to move on."

I'd seen into his mind. I knew how deep the feeling went, but I couldn't rid myself of fear. I'd seen love evaporate and a marriage crumble. Life taught me that nothing lasts forever. I'd grown to think of permanence as a fantasy.

"Will you wait for me?" I asked. I tried to keep my voice neutral, but my desperation was thinly veiled. "If I do this, will you forgive me?"

My panic grew as the silence wore on. "You know I will," he said. I could tell he meant it even though he sounded bitter.

I closed my eyes and let myself wallow in selfish relief.


	25. Stakeout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello all! Heads up, this chapter's a bit of a biggie. I'm quarantining now and have been combatting the boredom by working on this near chronicle of a fic. So grab some tea and settle in! And let me know what you think after! Thanks for reading!

I glared at my phone screen, at the latest string of unanswered texts I'd sent to Jared. The last text he'd sent me just said: _Sry_ _I need space_. It made my stomach ache. I'd asked Quil about it. He was pretty reluctant to say anything-we were all uncomfortable revealing each other's thoughts-but eventually he told me that Jared was trying to adjust to not seeing me every day. It made me sad to picture him, trying to distance himself incrementally so that he wouldn't be completely sidelined when I left in the fall. I was afraid to ask how it was going so far.

I didn't expect to miss the mind reading part of the pack, but it sucked not knowing what was going on. The running I knew I would miss. I ached for it every day. I tried to run as a human and it wasn't the same. I couldn't move fast enough. As a wolf I could run fast enough that my heart raced and lungs ached from something other than anxiety or anger, so fast that it felt like there was no shred of possibility that my problems could follow me. But I wasn't allowed to even phase anymore.

Sam and I talked about it the day after I told Jared about Columbia. I was dropping off the clothes I'd borrowed from Emily, and I was nervous to see him. The other wolves had put their lives on hold for the good of the tribe. We were all told that our powers were a gift, and that in exchange for that gift we had to pay a price. I'd been prepared to do the same, but as much as I wanted to be, I wasn't like the others.

"This is a bad idea Kim," Sam said. I could tell he was frustrated that he couldn't just give an order and make the problem go away.

I sighed. "It's the right call for me. I know Jared felt a little blind-sided but it really has to be this way."

"He won't be able to follow you."

"I wouldn't ask him to."

"Would you have broken up with him?" Sam asked, expression cold. "If it was a normal relationship."

"If it was a normal relationship, I wouldn't have had to," I sighed. "He would have broken up with me."

I saw a flash of anger on Sam's face, which surprised me. Sam wasn't known to have a temper. "Bullshit," he said. "I've seen your mind, you can't pretend you don't care. You wouldn't have gone if you thought he could move on. You wouldn't have taken that chance. You know how strongly he feels and you're using that against him. Because you're _selfish._ " I started to shake. The anger always started to build in my stomach and then radiated outward. Sam watched me, his expression growing colder. "And if you can't get your temper under control, then I _will_ find a way to stop you, whether orders work or not. Don't think I'll just sit by and let you endanger people on the other side of the country just because you only know how to think about yourself."

I hadn't been able to stop myself that time. I hadn't even been able to run off and phase in the woods. I even tackled him before I had finished transforming. He phased and casually pinned me to the ground. There was nothing playful about it like when Jared and I wrestled. He just planted a foot on my shoulder and let me tear up his yard, while I growled and thought every nasty word I knew.

Embry and Paul were there. _Shit!_ Embry thought. _She's worse than you, Paul._

Without a trace of anger or humor, Paul thought, _I was never_ that _bad._

I tried not to let that one outburst derail me. It was a setup afterall. Sam was trying to prove a point. I should have realized something was up when he wanted to talk outside. I hadn't phased since then, almost two weeks ago. I wasn't sure how much longer I could last. I felt a tension building, like a ringing in my ears and a tightness in my chest that wouldn't go away. I couldn't tell if it was from resisting phasing or from something else.

I'd been trying to distract myself by hanging out with friends. I was supposed to go shopping with Lauren on Wednesday, but she cancelled. After a moment of deliberation, I called Leah.

Twenty minutes later I was outside her house in my mom's car. I was nervous to see her. We hadn't spoken since I told Jared I was going to Columbia, and I wasn't sure how she felt about it. Even Quil had been dodgy lately.

She flung the passenger door open. "Can we get burgers?" She flopped into the passenger seat. "I'm starving!" She slammed the door so hard the car shook. "Oops! Sorry. Still getting used to this whole super strength thing."

I smiled for the first time in a while. "No worries. Where do you want to go?"

"McDonald's is closest," she said. I put the car in drive. "You're hungry too, right?"

"Literally always," I said. "I'm going to gain a thousand pounds now that I can't run."

Leah cackled. "Worth it!"

We went through the drive through and ate in the car since it was raining. I cracked the window anyways and let it drip on me. We had demolished three burgers each and were splitting a sixty piece chicken nugget order.

"Thanks dude, I feel better," she said, patting her stomach.

"I'm glad you were free," I said. "Everyone else is avoiding me." Leah snorted. "What?"

"Oh nothing," she said. Then she narrowed her eyes at me a bit, thinking. "Ok. Jared had us all swear an oath of secrecy, but, I'm going to tell you, because I really don't give a shit." I froze, lukewarm nugget in hand. "Jared is not avoiding you to adjust to 'Kim Withdrawal.' Actually he was so pissed that that was what Quil came up with. His fault though, he should have come up with his own excuse. The real reason is he doesn't have time to spare. He's redoubled his efforts."

"What? What efforts?"

"To catch the leech."

"Why?"

"It's so stupid." Leah rolled her eyes. "He thinks that if he can kill the leech, like yesterday, then you'll be able to run around together and he can convince you that you belong here in the pack, and then you'll decide to stay."

"Oh no."

"I know right?" Leah said. She gulped her soda. "I tried to tell him he was crazy. I mean, you never seemed all that scared when we were chasing the bloodsucker, but he's kind of stuck on your last conversation." I put my head in my hands. "He's kind of blaming himself. He thinks you want to leave because you're scared or something. That if they'd nabbed her earlier you'd feel safe and want to stay or something."

"Wouldn't be the first time," I sighed.

"What?"

"That he totally misinterpreted the problem," I said. "I guess we can't expect too much of the slower sex." Leah threw back her head and let out a booming laugh. I was afraid she would choke on a chicken nugget. A few weeks ago, I had lost a little canine sparring match with Seth. He was thrilled until Paul, let a thought slip about how wrestling matches didn't count if they were against the _weaker_ sex, which Leah and I did not take lightly. We'd been referring to the boys as 'the slower sex' ever since. That shut them up.

After Leah calmed down she said, "I don't know, Kim. You ask a lot sometimes. Even from a mind reader."

I frowned at that, then sighed. "I need to talk to him." She nodded. "Maybe you can convince him to put off the chase for a night and give me a call."

"Sure," she said. "Honestly, I don't know how he can be so into it. No one's even caught a whiff of her since that night at the border."

"Really?" I asked. "Not since I was there?"

"Nope."

"Wow." I thought for a minute trying to wrap my head around that. Vampires didn't really seem to have the ability to give anything up. She'd probably be back. She was probably hatching a plan somewhere.

"What's it like now? Since I left?" I was a little worried about her. I mostly felt guilty for Jared, but I also felt guilty for leaving Leah behind. She would be the only girl.

"Honestly Kim, it's a shit show." She rolled her eyes. "Everyone's fighting. Jacob and Jared have been running together a lot. They're having some sort of 'sad boi' contest, which is just as much fun as it sounds. They just belittle each other's feelings constantly. Jared's winning now, in case you were wondering, because Bella has been visiting Jacob on the Rez every once in a while."

"Really?" I asked. That was news to me.

"Yeah," she said. "She actually made plans to see him Saturday since her bloodsucker boyfriend is out of town this weekend. What else?" Leah drummed her fingers on the dashboard. "Oh Jared and Sam are fighting too. Jared thinks that if Sam hadn't told you to take a break from the pack you would have deferred."

I rolled my eyes. "Jared wanted me to sit out too. Also I thought Jared thought I was scared?"

"He's really grasping at straws, Kim. Honestly he's kind of fighting with everyone. I told you he kind of blew up at Quil when Quil came up with that dumb Kim-Withdrawal story. He's just in a mood, but he'll get over it." She took another sip of her drink. "Quil's sad that you're leaving too. He's a little embarrassed that we all got to see how much he's going to miss you but no one's making fun of him for it."

"Really?" I smiled. That was a little out of character. Good natured hazing/endless mocking was a keystone of the pack experience.

Leah smirked. "Only because we're all too busy making fun of Embry for feeling the same way."

"Oh my god." I rolled my eyes. "I thought he was over that!"

Soon after I had joined the pack, Embry's crush faded, which didn't surprise me. He was attracted to a version of me he had built in his head, and once I'd joined and he could see my thoughts, he, and anyone else with a misconstrued view of me, realized I wasn't nearly as cool or confident as he'd imagined. I was surprised that this short break from my mind was enough for him to forget.

"Everyone's going to miss you. Hm. Maybe not Sam," she allowed. "But only because he's scared of you because you don't have to play by his rules." I smirked at the thought of Sam being scared of me. I knew it was only because I was a wildcard, but it was still fun to think about.

"I'm going to miss you too," Leah said. "It sucks being the only girl."

"I know, but someone's gotta do it. There is no one in this world better suited for the job."

"I don't want the job."

"If fighting for feminism was easy, everyone would be doing it," I said. "Floofs fighting for feminism?" She smirked and we tapped our paper cups together. "Hey Leah?"

"What's up?"

I paused, feeling awkward for asking. "Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing? For leaving town?"

"Fuck no! I'd be out of this town in a heartbeat if I had a chance like that."

"Really?"

"Yes Kim," she said. "Swear to god. Jared's going to cry about it, but don't let him guilt you out of it. And don't you dare let Sam bully you." She put her empty cup down, leaned back, and put her feet up on the dash. "I saw what Sam said to you. Fucking prick."

"He said I only know how to think about myself." Even repeating the words made me feel hollow.

"He has no right to say that about anyone."

I watched the rain bead on the windshield. A few minutes later we gathered our trash then played rock paper scissors for who had to go throw it away. Leah lost, and ran for the door in the rain. Later, when I pulled up to her house, Leah hesitated in the car for a minute.

"I meant what I said Kim. Opportunities like that don't come our way every day. You have to take whatever chance you can get. And if you don't take it you'll regret it." I just nodded, stunned by how serious she sounded.

Later at home, I stewed on her words. Leah and Sam graduated at the same time. Neither of them had gone to college. I realized how little I knew about her. I didn't know how long she and Sam dated, or exactly when they broke up. I wonder if she passed something up to stay in La Push with him only to watch him fall in love with someone else. The thought stressed me out for some reason. I pulled out my phone to text Jared, but after typing and deleting a few messages I gave up, frustrated. I would text him tomorrow. I pulled out my laptop and opened a local news site, desperate for a distraction. A headline about a string of unsolved murders in Seattle caught my eye. I'd heard about it in school, though I never followed the details very closely.

I started to skim the article, thinking it would be sufficiently distracting, but I got pulled in by some of the details. The victims were random, no patterns in age, gender, race, income. The bodies were casually discarded in a variety of ways. There were several disappearances too. It was odd. Serial killers usually had some kind of pattern, didn't they? These weren't revenge killings. There was something inhuman about them.

I googled 'Seattle Killings,' trying to pinpoint a start date, but I could feel the fatigue setting in, filling my mind with fog. One detail was clear though: Victoria hadn't come back since that night that we nearly caught her at the border. So far, the pack's only plan was to wait for her to return. What choice did we have? Her trails always disappeared eventually, when she either stole a car or the rain washed the scent away. It's not like we could bring the fight to her. Unless we had an idea where she was hiding out.

* * *

I wanted to run my theory by Edward at lunch the next day, but he complicated my plans by not being in school. Alice was there next to Bella at the table with Angela and Ben as usual. I supposed I could have approached Alice about it. Maybe she'd seen something? But then I started thinking, what if she _had_ seen something. Why was Edward going to be out of town this weekend? I was still mulling through my theories when lunch ended and Alice and Bella left the room.

After school, I saw Bella climb into the car with Alice. They sped off, turning left out of the school, the opposite direction of Bella's house. It bothered me. I tried to catch up on homework that afternoon, but in spite of the workload, I couldn't focus. After dinner, I asked mom if it was ok if I went over to Bella's to study. She didn't seem concerned. Ever since I told her about Columbia, all was well between us. She never tired of hearing about classes I was considering and which dorms I wanted to live in. She passed me the car keys and told me to give her best to Charlie.

Bella's red truck sat alone in the driveway. Charlie's cruiser wasn't there. Neither was Edward's Volvo. That didn't necessarily mean they weren't nearby. I rang the bell. Twice. No one answered. I considered why that might be. What if Alice had seen something? What if there was a reason the house was empty? I climbed back into mom's car and parked it around the block. Then I cut through backyards back to Bella's. I found a tree stump in the woods that was close enough to see Bella's window.

The last time Victoria had come back, Alice saw it coming. Edward took Bella all of the way to Florida. Now Alice had taken Bella. I didn't know where, but if there was a reason she wasn't home, I was determined to find out what it was. I had a hunch that something was going down tonight. I thought about texting Jared, Leah, or Quil, but then I figured they might already know, or if they didn't they would know soon. With so many members, someone was bound to be patrolling. Or maybe, and possibly most likely, I was being paranoid, nothing was going to happen tonight. Maybe Alice and Bella were going to a movie or grabbing dinner out of town, but something kept me frozen on my makeshift seat.

Charlie's cruiser pulled into the driveway, right between me and Bella's car. He walked through the front door and disappeared. I could hear the sound of the TV from where I was. Maybe forty minutes later the TV and lights turned off. Charlie was going to sleep. I glanced at my phone. It was almost midnight. Mom, though recently remarkably chill, was still going to need to hear from me soon. I could either text her and ask if it was ok if I slept over at Bella's, or go home. I set my phone on the stump next to me, debating, when I saw something through the trees.

At first I thought it was Edward. He ran at the same speed, had a similar build, and the same paper-colored skin, but his hair was fairer, and although I could barely see from my vantage point, I swore his eyes were bright red. I watched in shock as the stranger circled the house. He stopped at Bella's window, then leapt with a casual grace I'd only seen in the undead, catching the sill with one hand, sliding the window silently open with the other. He slipped inside.

I phased. I'd thought after this long that it might feel painful again, as it had the first few times after I joined the pack, but it didn't. I felt a massive release of tension. The relief was overwhelming until I felt the shock of the others.

_Vamp alert!_ I thought, a little incoherent from the panic. I pictured the stranger climbing in through her window.

_Kim, you've got to get in there!_ Jacob thought.

At the same time Jared thought: _Sit tight, we're coming!_

_Bella's not home,_ I thought. _But Charlie is._ My paws churned in the dirt. Even if I didn't black out I probably wouldn't be able to survive a fight.

_Do NOT go in there,_ Jared growled.

_Charlie's in there! I have to do something!_ Jared and Jacob were close, but not close enough.

_Cop cars have alarms right?_ I didn't wait for feedback on my plan. I sprinted across the yard and bashed my shoulder into the side of Charlie's cruiser. I hit it a little harder than intended. Both door's buckled and windows broke, raining glass onto the pavement and into my fur. The alarm shrieked, deafening me as I sprinted back into the woods.

Charlie's bedroom light turned on. At the same time the vampire leapt neatly out the window and darted into the trees. His backpack, which I hadn't even noticed as he was going in, was now full. Was he robbing her? I raced after him.

_What are you doing?!_ Jared demanded.

_Easy,_ I thought. _I'm not going to get close enough that he can see me. Just try to catch up ok?_

_We're trying,_ Jacob grumbled. They were catching up. I kept a safe distance between myself and the vampire. He was slower than me, and probably slower than Jared and Jacob. I kept him just at the edge of my sight, relying on my nose to stay on his trail. Jared and Jacob could see me now. I looked like a ball of cotton in their eyes, bounding through the trees a few hundred yards ahead of them. The vampire broke through the trees into a clearing. I followed him, speeding up without hesitation. If he turned on me now, Jared and Jacob would get to me before the vampire could. Jared and Jacob didn't object. I was nearly within striking distance. He probably heard me now, tailing him. Just a few more seconds and Jared and Jacob would be in striking distance too. Then I spotted his target. A black car spun to a halt in the middle of the road. The passenger door flew open and I skidded to a stop as I locked eyes with the driver. Victoria.

The blond vampire didn't slow as he slid inside the car. The door shut and the car sped off, tires screeching. Jared and Jacob raced past me, gaining on the car. I ran to follow, letting them set the pace. The car outpaced us before long, accelerating as it approached the highway. We all slowed to a stop, breathing heavy.

_Fuck,_ Jacob thought. _She's making friends. We have to tell the others._ We turned to head back home. Jacob wondered if they should tell the Cullens.

_They probably know._ I thought about how Edward wasn't in school today and how Alice had taken Bella somewhere.

_Is that why you decided to camp out in her yard?_ Jared asked. _Why didn't you tell me?_

I felt the walls break down a bit. _Jared, I- I'd been meaning to talk to you forever. I thought about texting you about that, but then I realized I didn't really have any evidence, it was just a hunch, and I mostly just thought I was being paranoid, or that if something was really up that you would already know about it and-_

_Jesus, Kim,_ he huffed a sigh. _You need to tell me stuff like that, ok? You just, you can't have it both ways. You can't decide not to be a part of this pack and then go all, solo-vigilante on us._ He was mad. I could feel it. Jacob was desperately trying to tune us out, not wanting to witness a couple fight.

_I-I don't know,_ I thought. _I was really trying to stay out of everyone's way, I mean, Sam's right, I need to take a step back to see if I can handle that, but I couldn't just sit by and do nothing…_ I'd thought I was ready to take a step back. I'd thought I was _supposed_ to. That I needed to. I was getting in people's way.

Jared was listening to my stream of self doubt. I'd thought he might try to take advantage of my confusion-poke holes in my plan and try to convince me to stay-but he just felt bad for me with everything weighing on me.

_I'm sorry,_ I thought. _I won't keep you in the dark about anything, I promise._ He was sorry too. I could feel it. Leah tore into him earlier, guilting him for holding me back. Wow, that girl had some strong feelings about higher education. _No, don't feel bad,_ I pleaded. _It's ok to be sad. I'm sad too. You know I would take you with me if I could. I'd fold you up in my suitcase or something._

We both pictured it, laughing internally. _It'd be a squeeze._

_Maybe I could register you as an emotional support animal?_ That was a good image too. I imagined walking into orientation next to Jared in wolf form. _Hello everyone, this is my bear-sized dog, Gerard. Yes, he_ is _also French, thank you for noticing. He is also a living pillar of emotional support. Good question, I'm not sure he will fit in my dorm room either. What does he eat, you ask? What doesn't he eat! No, he doesn't bite, BDSM isn't really his scene, you know? I uh-I mean he's well-behaved._

Jared was starting to calm down as he listened to my mental plans, both real and ridiculous. We would see each other over breaks. We might be able to find a place and move in together during my Sophomore or Junior year. We would make it work.

_No more secrets?_ Jared asked.

_No more secrets._

_Even if you think you are just being paranoid or coming up with dumb conspiracy theories,_ he thought. _I want to hear all of those too._

_Oh don't you worry, I will keep you informed and entertained._ I pictured myself going full on Alex Jones, following him around and screaming about chem-trails and gay frogs.

_Too far,_ Jared thought.

We ran in silence for a while, minds wandering. I thought about Victoria and her newly discovered alliance. What did Jacob say? She was making friends. _How uh-how often do Vampires need to feed?_ I was thinking about the article I'd read last night.

_I saw that,_ Jared thought. _Honestly didn't think anything of it._

_I thought maybe Victoria was camping out there… but vampires only hunt once every couple weeks or so, right? At least, that's about how often the Cullens disappear. So… thirty plus humans in a month would be pretty...gluttonous?_ I did some quick mental math. _So that'd be like fifteen, average eaters? Maybe more accounting for the disappearances._ Jared and Jacob shuddered. _Of course there's a chance it isn't vampires,_ I allowed. _Could be unrelated?_ We all thought this was unlikely. The random killings in Seattle and the fact that Victoria had at least one ally had to be connected. _Should I ask the Cullens?_ I asked. _They might know something we don't._ Jared didn't love that idea, but I assured him that it would be a conversation in the cafeteria with witnesses. Edward probably would still be out tomorrow. I wondered if I should ask Alice.

_He's gone?_ Jacob asked.

_Yeah,_ I thought. _Actually I was really surprised that they weren't at Bella's tonight. I thought for sure that if they knew something was going on then they would be there._ Jacob was puzzled by that too. _Maybe they didn't know?_ _I can't imagine them not caring, but that's a big coincidence if the Cullens just happened to take Bella elsewhere the same night one of Victoria's friends just happened to come around._

_We should tell them,_ Jacob thought. As much as he hated the Cullens, he hated the thought of Victoria being able to slip by them even more.

_I'll talk to Alice tomorrow._

_What if it's not a coincidence?_ Jared wondered. _What if they knew she wasn't home. Maybe he was here when she was away on purpose. Just getting the lay of the land or something._

_Oh maybe. That could make sense. Either that or maybe Alice had some kind of non-specific danger vision? I don't know._

_Ok,_ Jacob thought. _I'll let Sam know._

_And I'll let the Cullens know tomorrow. I'll let you guys know if they know anything._

_Kim, can we hang out tomorrow?_ Jared asked.

_Yes, please? I really missed you!_

_Me too._

Jacob was thinking about his weekend too. He was wondering if his plans with Bella would still be able to happen. _Why wouldn't they?_ I asked.

Jacob thought about the last time he saw Bella, when she showed up in La Push unannounced, giggling as she said, _I snuck out!_

_Oh my god,_ I groaned. _What if the whole reason she wasn't home tonight was just Edward trying to screw up your date? Yikes._ Jacob scowled at that possibility but was pleased that I had labeled their meetups as dates. _There's a secret to getting around Alice's visions. She can't see us, only the blank spots we leave. You just have to be spontaneous. Don't tell Bella you're coming. Just show up and hope her warden's not around._

_Thanks for the tip, Kim._

_Don't mention it. Or you can show up when she knows she's expecting not to see anything. Then she won't think the blanks have anything to do with you. Actually if you really want to see Bella, you should swing by the school tomorrow. Alice will be blind anyways because I'll be around. It'll work if Edward's still absent. Otherwise he'll read my mind and all bets are off._

Jacob considered this. _Sounds like a plan. Text me if he's there or not?_

_Will do._ Jacob was back at his house. _I'll text Sam. I'll let you guys know what he says._ I tried not to let on how much it meant to me to be included. Jacob phased back.

_Sweet of you,_ Jared thought.

_Oh you know me,_ I thought. _Helping sad bois since forever._

_You're still part of this Kim, really._ I could tell Jared was pissed at Sam for what he said to me, even though Sam was doing it for Jared. I thought about what Sam said too.

_He's not wrong though,_ I admitted. I started to shake, a different kind of tremor than those caused by anger. I hadn't thought about it until Sam said it, but I had to admit that I might not have had the strength to go if I thought it meant choosing between school and Jared. I might not have made the same decision if I hadn't seen inside his mind. And it felt manipulative now, like I really was using his feelings against him.

_No, Kim._ My thoughts were tearing him up, which only made me shake harder. _I-If I was making you feel like you had to choose between me and going to college that would be so much worse. I don't want you to feel that way. I don't want you to feel trapped, ever._ My shaking slowed as he let me see that his mind was made up. It was my life, and he wanted to let me decide what to do with it and where to go, even if it hurt him.

He came closer, pushing his side up against mine, but soon even that wasn't close enough for him. He rolled on top of me. I started mentally laughing at the triumphant return of Sir Sits-a-Lot. I didn't try to wrestle him off this time. I just lay in the moss, content under the worlds heaviest, most supportive blanket. _Want to meet up tomorrow?_ He asked.

_Tomorrow._


	26. Industry Expert

I spotted Alice and Bella at their usual table from across the cafeteria and pulled out my phone to text Jacob. _No sign of Edward today though Alice is a clinger. Good luck soldier. Let me know if you need backup._

Jacob texted back. _Thanks scout._

I watched their table as discreetly as I could. When Alice stood to dump her tray of untouched food, I got up at the same time. Her eyes narrowed a fraction as she saw me coming, but she didn't try to avoid me.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" I asked her. She glanced over my shoulder quickly to see if any bystanders were in hearing range.

"You don't need to apologize, Kim," she said. "Edward told us you didn't mean any harm. Jasper was confident of that as well."

It took me a moment to respond. I hadn't expected that. "Thank you for understanding," I said. She nodded and turned away before I could finish. I instinctively reached out to touch her arm, and we both recoiled. Her skin really was freezing. "Sorry. I am sorry about that night, but that's not what I need to talk to you about." Her eyes narrowed again. "It's about the break-in at the Swan's house last night."

"What break in?"

"You didn't know?"

Alice glanced at a Sophomore throwing out his trash and then looked pointedly back at me. "Let's talk in the hall."

Once we were alone in the hallway I told her everything that happened last night. "Are you sure it was Victoria?"

"I saw her."

Alice looked stunned but recovered a split second later. It seemed vampires were able to compose themselves a little faster than humans. "Thank you for telling me, Kim," she said. "If you are willing, Edward will probably want to see what you've seen, so we can know if we recognize the intruder."

"Sure," I said. "He'll be back Monday?"

"I'll call him now," she said. "He can probably get back before eighth period."

_Shit, sorry Jacob._ I nodded. "Keep me posted ok? Tell us everything. This is bigger than just you and your family. If something's coming to Forks, we have a right to know too."

"Hopefully it won't come to that," she said. Then she spun on her heel and walked off in that quick, choppy stride of hers back to the cafeteria.

I texted Jacob: _Sorry dude. Wrecked your plan. Edward's coming back by eighth period. Cullen's didn't know about the intruder. Freaked him out. Sorry._ Jacob didn't respond. I sighed, feeling bad for getting his hopes up. Then I thought about my promises not to keep secrets.

I texted Jared: _The Cullen's didn't know about the intruder. Edward's coming back to school. I'm going to talk to him today. I'll let you know if I find out anything else._

Jared: _Shit. B careful._

Me: _Don't worry, we'll talk at school. Plenty of witnesses._

However even with the witnesses considered I felt a little nervous skipping eighth period so Edward could read my mind. We met in the cafeteria. The only witnesses present were a handful of freshmen in a corner. Edward and Alice both glared at me when I walked in and that glare intensified as I sat down across from them. I watched them, nervous.

Edward sighed. "One of your _friends_ showed up on a motorcycle right after lunch and ambushed Bella between classes."

I laughed involuntarily once, which seemed to deepen their fury. "Ambushed? Sorry. Uh, is she ok?"

"I have no way of knowing," Edward said through gritted teeth. "I have no way of reaching her there."

"Boy I bet that's frustrating." I couldn't help but smirk at the irony. "She'll be ok," I said, "Jacob isn't really the type to hold someone against their will, you know?"

Edward continued to glare at me, not able to regain his composure as quickly as Alice had earlier, though she looked miserable too now. After a tense moment, Edward took a deep breath.

"Kim, could you do us a favor and think back to everything that happened last night?" Edward asked finally. "Especially what the intruder looked like."

I thought of how he had appeared at the house, how I thought he might be Edward at first but then realized he wasn't. I tried to remember the exact length of his blond hair and exact crimson shade of his eyes. I thought about the chase and how he was just seconds away when he slid into the black car. I remembered the shock I'd felt when I locked eyes with Victoria.

Edward stared at me as he observed my memories. I tried to fill in the gaps, thinking over why I'd decided to camp out outside Bella's house alone. How I'd thought I was being paranoid, and didn't tell anyone what I was up to because I'd thought I'd known the least and not the most. I thought of how foolish I'd felt waiting, how I'd almost given up. I thought about the backpack that the vampire had carried and how full it seemed. I thought about how it felt to phase after so long. How I'd wrecked Charlie's police cruiser to scare him out.

Edward and Alice didn't interrupt. They sat in silence as I tried to piece together all the details. I left nothing out, not knowing what was relevant. I thought about Seattle, and my theory that she might be congregating allies there. Edward and Alice exchanged a glance.

"What?" I asked. "Do you recognize him?"

Edward shook his head. "I also went by the house. We didn't recognize his scent. Carlisle didn't either."

"Then what is he doing here?" I asked.

"Obviously Victoria is involved," he said.

"I think she has allies," I said, finally. "Maybe a lot of them."

"What makes you say that?"

"Do you know anything about what's going on in Seattle?" I asked. "There's been a killing spree up there. Maybe she's gathering allies there? I mean, she wasn't able to get to Bella even when it was just the pack protecting her. Our numbers have grown since then, and with you all back, maybe she's realized she won't have a shot alone. Maybe she's called in some favors with fifteen or twenty friends?"

Both Edward's and Alice's eyes widened, then slowly narrowed again. "We knew about the situation in Seattle, but it had not occurred to us that Victoria might be involved. We've suspected newborns for a while," Edward said.

"Newborns?"

"New vampires," Edward said. "The younger a vampire is, or rather the shorter the length of time since a vampire's transformation, the less control they have." I bit my lip, trying not to acknowledge how familiar that felt. "What's happening in Seattle was, we thought, a newborn vampire with no support network. No one to caution him or her on remaining discrete." I shivered a little, disgusted by the priorities. Murder was fine if you were discrete? "Ethical questions aside," Edward said. "Remaining undiscovered is a shared priority of our kind." I nodded. I understood that much too. "We'd been planning to head up to Seattle to… explain these rules, but the situation has escalated a bit. It is likely that there are far more than one newborn."

"We should talk to Jasper," Alice said.

"Why Jasper?"

"This is an area he has some experience in," Edward explained. Then, in accordance with some cue that I'd missed, Alice and Edward stood up at the same time and turned to leave.

"Wait!" I stood up to follow them.

"I appreciate the insight that you've offered," Edward said. "Thank you for letting me see what happened last night. And thank you for your concern for Bella and her father. I'm indebted to you." I felt my lip curl at his formal way of speaking. Offering thanks but nothing substantive. "We'll handle things from here. You've got enough on your plate."

Of course Edward the mind reader knew exactly what was on my plate. College. Mysterious blackouts that had more or less pushed me out of my pack. Financial stress. Relationship stress. The fact that he was using his knowledge of my struggles to condescend me was infuriating.

"You can't just _handle things,"_ I kept my voice slow and intentional. "If something's coming for you, coming for you here, then it affects all of us." Edward met my eyes, his expression stony. "Tell me," I said. "This is our business too."

"We don't know for sure, Kim," Alice said. "We're going to talk to Jasper, but we will let you know once we know for sure what's going on."

I was touched by her gesture, but shook my head all the same. "That's not good enough." Edward huffed, impatient. "We've been getting in each other's way since the beginning. We need to coordinate, at least marginally, or things could go really sideways."

"What are you asking?" Alice asked, raising an eyebrow.

"She wants to come talk to Jasper," Edward explained. He realized what I wanted almost before I did.

"Please?" I asked. "I'm not even really in the pack anymore." I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice, with minimal success. "I'm more of a… liaison."

Edward and Alice exchanged glances again, then Edward appraised me. "Alright liaison," he said finally. "Let's go consult the expert."

* * *

Jared: _What time are we meeting up today?_

I frowned at Jared's text from the backseat of Edward Cullen's car as I tried to think of a response. We drove with all of the windows down to minimize the smell. It had been a mutual decision.

Me: _Can we meet up a little later? Something came up._

Jared: _How much later? I'm supposed to run at 8._

Me: _Really? I didn't know._

Jared: _Yeah Sam bumped up the shifts after last night. What came up? You really can't come over now?_

I frowned at my phone again, deliberating.

Me: _A meeting._

Jared: _?_

Jared: _Like a school meeting?_

Jared: _No more secrets right?_

I sighed, exasperated by the promises I'd made and the resulting guilt from bending them.

Me: _I'm going to the Cullens' house to talk to Jasper. Edward thinks he might know something._

Jared: _Are you serious?_

Jared: _Kim no._

_Jared: U can't just go over there it would break the treaty._

Me: _I was invited. I'm already in their car._

Me: _We need to know what's going on. I'll tell you everything when I get back. Sorry._

Jared: _What if it's a trap? Did Jake take Bella to La Push?_

I rolled my eyes.

Me: _If it comes to a hostage negotiation put in a good word for me!_

I tossed my phone back in my bag. I looked up and noticed that Edward was also texting Bella from the front seat. That explained why he wanted Alice to drive.

"It's really ok," I said. "The pack's on high alert. No one is getting past all of them." Edward didn't say anything. "Is she answering?" Edward shook his head.

"Want me to text Jacob?"

"No thank you."

We spent the rest of the ride in silence. I watched the forest change as we drove, realizing I hadn't been around here since we were trying to figure out if the Cullen's had returned. Since then it was enemy land. I shivered in spite of myself. If it was a trap, I was in serious trouble.

"It's not a trap," Edward said, his voice level. This didn't calm me down much. He would have said that either way. I thought I saw him smiling before he turned away.

When we got to the house, Edward and Alice went straight for the door, letting me trail behind them. I'd been right about the house of course-we hadn't known for sure whether it really was their house or not-only now the lawn was perfectly manicured, and the giant garage was open, revealing a whole family of ridiculously ostentatious cars, each one worth more money than I'd ever seen in my lifetime.

"We have a guest," Edward said, when he stepped inside. He spoke at a normal volume, but I knew his family would hear, regardless of where they stood in the cavernous house. Esme and Carlisle walked right up to us. Esme looked surprised, but regained composure as quickly as Alice had earlier in the day. Carlisle never broke composure in the first place.

"You must be Kim," he said, smiling and extending his hand. I shook it gingerly. "It's a pleasure to meet you. Alice told us what you did for Bella last night. Thank you."

I froze, thrown off by his demeanor. I'd only seen Esme and Carlisle once in my life, and I was in Maltese form at the time, so they hadn't seen my human face. Carlisle calmly convinced his burliest son not to crush me that night. Today, I half expected him to tell me to take my shoes off and offer me a still water.

"Nice to meet you too," I said, though I sounded stiff. I looked around the room and met eyes with the rest of the Cullen family, Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper. They all met my eyes with confusion and maybe a touch of disdain, though not necessarily hostility. Other than our border scuffle, I hadn't seen any of them since they'd graduated a year ago. I locked eyes with Emmett and shivered, an involuntary tremble rolling down my spine as I remembered his cold hands around me. I tore my eyes away from him and focused on Jasper, the apparent expert who was going to tie this whole mess together.

Edward caught the family up to speed. "Kim thought that something might be going on when Alice took Bella here from school yesterday."

"Where is Bella?" Emmett asked. He was probably expecting someone else when Edward announced he'd brought a guest.

"On the Rez," I said, when Edward didn't answer. Edward glowered a bit and Emmett raised an eyebrow. "She's fine, she'll be back."

Edward ignored me. "Anyway, the male was not someone that I recognized. There might be a reason for that though. His eyes were bright. He's fairly new. Kim was able to scare him out of the house and then she followed him, right to where the trail ended." Jasper and Emmett nodded. I guess they'd done their homework before the meeting. "Kim saw him get in the car with Victoria." To my surprise, Esme hissed softly. The rest of them just exchanged glances.

"How new was the male?" Jasper asked.

"Hard to say based solely on Kim's observations, but my guess would be six months to a year. Long enough to be able to resist killing Charlie. Not long enough for the eye color to fade."

I did the mental math. That would mean he was born, or made, sometime after Edward had killed her mate last spring. I thought about how Jacob described it last night. _She's making friends._ "She's not recruiting allies is she? She's actually literally making them."

Jasper nodded. "It would seem so."

"That's what's happening in Seattle?" I asked. "She couldn't get to Bella on her own, but she didn't give up. She's preparing an attack."

"A newborn army," Jasper said.

I tipped my head to the side. "Is that your area of expertise, Jasper? Has that happened before?"

He nodded. "At one point it was a common occurrence in the south. Smaller covens would create armies of newborns and unleash them on rival covens. Newborns are stronger than older vampires, and single-minded enough to be manipulated. It hadn't occurred to me that what was happening in Seattle was a newborn army, but as things escalated… It also makes sense that Victoria's behind it. She has the motivation. She's well-traveled enough to have come across the idea, and the execution is sloppy enough to indicate that this is a first attempt."

The Cullens looked floored by Jasper's assessment. Even Edward, who in spite of being able to read Jasper's mind was just today learning how central Bella was to all of this. I wondered again if I should text Jacob. Then I pulled out my phone. At the very least I could organize a handoff at the border, so Bella wouldn't be alone at any point. I texted Jacob.

"How many?" Carlisle asked.

"Kim had an idea to estimate based on the rate of disappearances," Edward said. I'd forgotten that. "At least ten. Probably closer to twenty, but we don't know what rate their numbers are changing."

"Then we go and meet them before they can change more," Emmett said through his teeth.

"I can't see the outcome," Alice cautioned.

"You said you won't see until we decide to go," Emmett said.

"It's too dangerous," said Esme. "We can't go in blind. We need allies."

"Call Tanya," Edward said to Carlisle who nodded and left the room.

"Who's Tanya?" I asked. My head was ringing. I couldn't keep up.

"Allies," Edward explained. "In Denali. A coven just like ours. Vegetarians." He smiled. I smiled too. Then Edward immediately frowned and cursed under his breath.

"I see," I heard Carlisle say from the other room. "I did not realize Irene felt that way... No we are not willing to do that... We've held a treaty for a hundred years and have no interest in breaking it... We'll manage on our own."

I shook but managed to steady myself. _Their allies knew about the pack?_

"Damn Laurent to the deepest pits of hell!" Edward swore. I flinched at his Shakespearian outburst.

"What's going on?" I asked. "Were you talking about _our_ treaty?"

"Tanya offered her help in exchange for our permission to hunt the pack," Carlisle said.

"Seriously?!" I grumbled.

"We refused," Carlisle assured me.

"Thanks."

"We may be able to find other allies," Jasper allowed. "Perhaps I could try to reach out to Peter and Charlotte." He didn't sound excited about his own idea.

"Perhaps," Carlisle allowed. He didn't seem convinced either. There was a bit of a back and forth as the Cullens considered which friends to call on.

"Maybe you could look for allies a little closer to home." I spoke softly but it was enough to make the room fall silent. I tried not to shake as I met all of their eyes. "You're not the only ones here who care about Bella. And you certainly aren't the only ones who want to stop innocent people from dying. I'll help if you'll let me. I bet the whole pack would." I'd never seen vampires freeze like each of the Cullens did, shock solidified on their faces. "I'm serious," I said. "I think they'd all be excited about it honestly. Most of them _like_ fighting. I'm the only one that sucks at it." I bitterly thought back to my blackouts that had me blindly running across the border and colliding with Emmett.

"Oh," Edward said, "I was wondering how that had happened."

"It's… very kind of you to offer, Kim," Carlisle said. "But that would pose some technical difficulties. For example when the pack is involved, Alice's vision is hampered."

"It's already hampered," I reminded him. "You said she couldn't see what happens in Seattle. She didn't see the vampire coming last night, even before I decided to camp out there."

"There would be numerous other challenges," Carlisle said.

"You'll consider it though?" I asked. "Because it may be worth trying to work through challenges." I sighed. "Look the way I see it is, if you go at it alone you either win, probably at a tremendous cost, or you lose and we clean up whatever's left. Any other 'allies' you bring in might disappear before they can help you. Unfortunately, our treaty doesn't protect any of your non-vegetarian friends or any of your vegetarian friends that end up on our land because they want to kill us."

The Cullens were all exchanging glances, bristling. I realized I might have worn out my welcome when I'd started threatening their friends in their own house. "Just think about it ok?" I asked. "We can plan a meeting to strategize once you guys know what you want to do." I locked eyes with Edward, then Alice, then Carlisle before I turned to step outside. I'd pegged them as the voices of reason in the group.

I took a deep breath once I made it outside. The sickly sweet smell of vampire still lingered in the yard of course but it was nowhere near as cloying as it had been inside. I pulled my phone out to text Jared an update when I saw that Jacob had responded. _Oh no._ I stepped back inside, interrupting a tense coven-conference. They all looked up at me at the same time, which was cartoonish but still scary. Edward raced past me before I could open my mouth.

"Should I come?" I asked.

"Yes, hurry."

I jumped into the volvo. Edward already had it running, and hit the gas before I could even close my door. Once I got situated I texted Jacob for more details, trying not to reveal how nervous Edward's driving made me.

Jacob: _Things went sideways. She took off on her bike. I don't want to talk about it._

Me: _You let her go alone? After we just chased a vampire out of her bedroom last night?_

Jacob: …

I frowned while I waited for him to finish typing. "Ask which way she went," Edward said.

"She'll probably take Main south," I said, indicating the most direct street connecting our territories. "I don't think she'll want to park that thing at her house." I asked Jacob anyways, but he didn't answer the question.

Jacob: _Did you know he's going to change her?_

I froze, instantly feeling cold. I looked at Edward out of the corner of my eye and noticed that he was making a conscious effort not to look at me.

Me: _I didn't know._

Edward slowed to a stop right at the border. "We can probably cross," I said. "I can act as your escort, I guess."

"Is that allowed?"

"Maybe not, but they probably won't attack if I'm with you. At the very least I could slow them down."

"I thought you sucked at fighting?" Edward asked.

"Harsh."

"Your words."

"Fair." I smirked. "It's true, but I could distract them." I pictured Paul charging us, and then me turning around and mooning him. He definitely wouldn't know what to do with that. To my surprise Edward laughed out loud, but the sound was a little hysterical.

"Luckily it won't come to that." He sighed with relief. Bella was speeding towards us on her motorcycle.

"Yikes," I said. "Someone should get that girl a helmet." Edward stepped out of the car to walk up to her. I stepped out of the car too.

"Are you ok?" Edward asked. He hugged her. She burst into tears.

"I'm sorry!"

"I'm going to head out." I felt instantly uncomfortable. As a self-proclaimed feminist, I really needed to address my fear of crying women. "Thanks for the ride," I said to Edward. "Let me know what your family decides."

"Wait," Bella called after me. I looked at her surprised. "Will you take my bike back? I-I don't want it."

"I-I'm sorry," I said. "I don't know how to ride it."

"We'll figure it out," Edward said.

I waved tentatively and walked down the road. I was about halfway between Jared's house and mine. I texted Jared.

Me: _Meeting let out! Any chance you could pick me up?_

Jared: _Sure! U at your house?_

Me: _Main south, by the border, walking in._

Jared: _That's where he dropped you? He couldn't drop you at your house? Forks is neutral lol._

Me: _He had to deal with a sobbing girlfriend. Jake's got no game._

Jared: _Yeah it's hard to watch. Is my girlfriend sobbing too?_

Me: _Not yet but if I get any hungrier…_

Jared: _We'll get food. Leaving now!_

He pulled up in his dad's car a few minutes later. He smiled through the window but his nose wrinkled when I stepped in the car.

"I know, I'm sorry, I know I reek."

"How was your uh... meeting?"

"Oh, um, eventful," I said.

"Eventful how?"

"So apparently there's such a thing as a vampire army," I said. "And the redhead vampire is building one in Seattle."

"What?"

"Crazy right? I guess she got tired of trying to slip past us and the Cullens so now she's building an army to bash right on through."

"What."

"Oh and all of the Cullens were like 'we need to phone some friends. Call in the cavalry!' And turns out, their only 'vegetarian'-by vegetarian I mean non-cannibal friends by the way-hate _us_ because they were like, best friends with Laurent. Remember that guy that you guys killed right before I joined up? They're like, _super_ pissed about it and apparently said they would only help the Cullens fight off this vampire army if the Cullens let them kill all of us first, and then Carlisle was like 'hard pass! We respect the treaty!' and just hung up the phone! I couldn't believe."

"Are you serious?"

"Dead serious. I couldn't believe my ears. Oh also-" I trailed off and grimaced at him a little. He looked nervous. "I did something."

"What?"

"I'll tell you, but first you have to promise not to be mad or judgy about it."

"Tell me," he said, which was in no way a promise but I couldn't just sit on this.

"Ok." I took a deep breath. "I _might_ have suggested that the pack team up with the Cullens and address the whole vampire invasion problem together. Well, I said that I was willing to help them and I said that I bet the pack would be willing to help as well. Pretty sure those were my words."

"Oh well, yeah," he said. "I mean, I don't want to think of it as teaming up, but yeah if bloodsuckers are coming this way then that's our problem too."

"Whew! Thanks for understanding. I told Edward to let me know when his family comes to a decision. Shouldn't take long," I said. "I think they'll come around."

"Kim?" I looked at him, nervous about how serious he sounded. "You promised Sam you would try to take a back seat. You can't keep running around trying to… solve things. I'm serious. You can't be all in and then just quit to go to school. You need to make a choice."

I frowned. I knew he was right. I'd only phased just last night and I was already itching to phase again. How would I know if I was even able to sit out if I wasn't even willing to try? But this situation changed things. I had a feeling we would need all hands. Could I sit out in good conscience if it meant someone might get hurt? No. It wasn't fair to them. It was one thing to sit out when the only person impacted was me. It was another thing entirely to sit out when everyone involved was in danger. I pulled out my phone.

"Kim?" Jared asked again. I opened the text from Edward.

"The Cullens have decided," I said. "They want our help. They want to know when we can meet to discuss strategy."

In spite of how serious he looked a moment before, his face lit with excitement at the prospect of a battle. "Let's go find Sam."


	27. Snowball, War Pimp

"Can you walk us through this again?"

"I don't know how else to say it. According to our resident experts, the Cullens, vampire army's are a thing and one's headed this way for Bella and we have to team up with the Cullens to stop them." I shrugged. "Also is anyone going to eat that? I feel like there's this weird, unspoken rule where you have to feel bad about taking the last muffin and I feel like we should nix that rule and just live our lives, you know?" I looked around Sam and Emily's little kitchen, meeting the eyes of the other pack members. No one had smiled all night. "Anyone object?"

"Kim, you had like six," Quil said.

"I'm so glad you liked them," Emily said.

"I didn't get any," Seth said. I sighed and pushed the plate towards him.

"What time?" Sam asked.

"Time?" I asked. "Oh I didn't set a meeting yet." Sam and Paul exchanged glances. "Hey, I saw that look! Don't get all judgey! I never claimed to be a scheduling expert or anything! I'll text them now." I pulled out my phone and saw I'd just received a text. "Edward wants to know when we're free."

Sam shrugged. "Now works."

I texted him. Seconds later I received a brick and a half. "Jeepers he types fast." I read the text, which contained thorough instructions on how to find the way to the meeting place with a combination of cardinal directions, GPS coordinates, and natural landmarks described in detail, with an alternative option of running roughly east and following their scent trail to the meeting place.

"Great," Sam said. "We'll head out in ten. Cycle through the bathroom if you need to."

"Are we going as wolves?" Seth asked, wide eyed.

Embry snickered. "You'll have trouble keeping up otherwise."

"Yes," Sam said, looking at Seth. "Finish your muffin."

Paul and Jared raced for the bathroom, wrestling in the hall outside. Leah slipped by them. "Idiots," she snickered from behind the closed door. Paul pounded on it.

"Hey!" Sam cried, running over to moderate. "Don't break the place!"

I stayed at the table, wondering if I would get a chance to pee, but overwhelmed by the action in the hall. _Why didn't we all just take a pee break on the way?_

Emily took the muffin plate to the sink. Jacob sulked at the table. I knew why. He was probably hoping for a meeting as humans so in the off chance that Bella was in attendance, he could have an opportunity to make peace with her. I could understand that. Their last fight was a doozy.

Bella told Jacob that the Cullens would be changing her after she graduated. She would officially join the Cullens' coven, breaking the treaty, and dying, at least by any medical definition. Jacob, not known for his cool temper, had told her that he would rather she die than turn into one of them. Cue Bella speeding off on a motorcycle she didn't want.

"You ok?" I asked him.

Jacob shook his head. "Just thinking about what she said that day. I just-I can't believe-"

"Can't believe what, Jacob?" I asked. "You had to have known that this is what she wanted. That this might happen if she stays with him." He didn't answer, he just gritted his teeth. "So she thinks she wants to die," I said. "Fine. It doesn't change anything. We always knew what was at stake. Now we just know just how urgent it is. It's not over until it's over."

"Not until her heart stops beating," Jacob said, his voice soft and full of pain.

"That's the spirit."

"Let's move," Sam called. "Put it down Seth."

"No!" Seth crammed the remainder of the muffin in his mouth and followed the others outside.

We ran east. I didn't run ahead, falling into step between Jared and Quil, weaving through the trees and watching the forest through nine pairs of eyes. It was so natural. So _needed_. I couldn't put my feelings into words. Like something in my chest had loosened, and I was breathing for the first time in weeks. _How was I ever going to give this up?_

Jared's ears perked at the direction of my thoughts, but he tried not to dwell on it. He knew I wasn't ready to leave. He didn't want me to hear his thoughts, but he wanted me to be able to admit it to myself. We both tried to tune each other out and listen to the others.

By now, nearly everyone was excited about the prospect of battle, even if it meant teaming up with the Cullens. It seemed like only Jared, Seth, and I were nervous, though Seth would never admit it. Sam empathized with Jared. His relief that Emily could be safe somewhere far from any action was palpable. I scanned his thoughts for any irritation at my meddling, and there was plenty, but also something subtle, close to envy, or maybe admiration that I'd put it all together from effectively a time-out. It was hard to tease out those feelings further, because most of his mind was tangled in strategy. _How to keep Emily safe. How to keep the rest of La Push safe. How to split up the pack. How many offensive fighters and how many defensive patrols._

Jacob, as preoccupied as he was with the slim chance that he might see Bella tonight, chimed in here and there on Sam's mental to do list. _Have Leah and Kim run scouting missions because they're the fastest. Reduce offensive efforts if there is a chance of an attack at home. The more we know about the leech army movements, the more we can focus on attacks._ I had to admit he was good at this. Together as we ran, we started building a diagram in our head, almost like a football playbook. The pieces kept moving around as we bickered about who was best for what. Paul, Embry, and Quil bickered about who would be in the defensive and offensive patrols, each trying to move themselves to offense. Sam and Jacob were fine with defense, if needed. Seth was immediately slated for defensive roles, close to La Push. Jared did not like that I was on the scouting team with Leah. He pictured me in La Push instead, in Sam and Emily's house, where Sam and Jacob were picturing Emily and Bella, as a last line of defense we all hoped we wouldn't need.

_Then who's going to run with me?_ Leah asked. _Anyone else would slow me down big time. No offense._ She tacked on those words, even though she didn't care who was offended. She couldn't picture me as a last line of defense. She preferred to picture Seth there. _He's the newest._

_Yeah by like eight seconds!_ Seth howled. _You're almost as new!_

Jared rolled his eyes. _So run alone then._

_She can't go alone,_ Sam snapped.

_Fuck you,_ Leah snapped back. _Sorry, I can't control what I think_. She also couldn't hide that she wasn't sorry at all.

_Kim and Leah will patrol just like everyone else,_ Sam decided, surprising everyone, myself included. _All offensive patrols will be scouting missions only. No combat until we can launch a planned attack. We all wait for an opening. Understood?_

We did. His plans were an order. No attacks without permission. Sam didn't put this into words, but he acknowledged Jared's panic for me. We all knew then that when it came to the fighting I would be in a defensive role and so would Seth.

_What?!_ Seth whined. Leah shushed him. Both she and Jared radiated with relief. Seth could be ordered to stay out of the fight, and I wasn't planning on breaking orders. It made sense for me to only contribute to support functions, as a scout, or as the designated vegetarian vampire liaison. Something fit for a speedy little maltese who was shit in battle. There were enough of us who were excited to test our teeth and claws, yet I still felt a shred of guilt at the idea of hiding from the front lines.

_I just feel a little bad, you know?_ I thought. _Like, I'm the one who roped you all into this hot mess, and now I'm just going to duck out?_

_We've been through this, Kim,_ Sam thought. We had, but still…

_I feel like… a pimp._ It took me a moment to settle on the right word. _Like I set all this up, and then clear out while you all do the dirty work, without actually contributing anything._

_Ew!_

_Gross!_

No one really liked my assessment, but I thought it was pretty fitting. _Snowball! War Pimp!_

_C'mon, Kim._ Jared was tired. I could feel it. I did my best to quiet my thoughts for his sake, but I couldn't help but picture 'Snowball, War Pimp' as a kind of reality TV show. The title would appear in flames of course, and beneath that would be a derpy white wolf. It'd be better than Cops.

_Damn straight!_ Quil thought.

At the same time, Seth quietly thought, _I like Cops._

_Here we go,_ Leah thought. She was up front, and had encountered the Cullens scent trail. We all fell in line behind her, nervous excitement building in the entire pack. We broke out of the trees into a massive clearing. The Cullens were all already there, gathered in the middle. Bella stood between Edward and Carlisle, eyes wide as she watched us approach.

Jacob's stomach lurched a bit when he saw her there. _Bella I'm sorry,_ he thought.

_Jesus,_ Paul thought.

_She can't hear you dude,_ Quil thought. Jacob knew this but couldn't really contain his thoughts.

_You really want Edward to translate your feelings for her?_ I asked him. _You'll have to actually_ talk _to her. It can't be now._

_Hello Cullens,_ Sam thought. He had to censor himself. It sounded like he thought the word 'bloodsuckers' the same time he thought 'Cullens.' I wondered if Edward noticed.

"Hello everyone," Edward said. "Thank you all for coming." We were still about thirty feet away from them. No one moved closer and I certainly wasn't going to be the one to start. Emmett looked me directly in the eye. I wonder if he knew I was the same person he used to sit behind in Calculus. I remembered how I'd slipped him a note on the first day of school, promising not to reveal his family's secrets.

The others were so thrown by this memory that it took Sam a moment to recover. _To start, we'd like to know whatever you know._

"Certainly," Edward said. "For a while we'd been keeping an eye on the situation in Seattle. We'd suspected a newborn vampire, one who was not taught to maintain secrecy. As the situation escalated we began to suspect that someone was creating them. Jasper," Edward nodded to him, "who is an expert on the subject, considered the possibility that someone was building a newborn army. However, in the past newborn armies were created to wipe out rival covens, and since we don't drink human blood-" we all shuddered at the same time- "we didn't think we would be perceived as a threat. However, given what Kim has seen, we believe that Victoria, who has been trying to get to Bella for the past year, is building an army in Seattle."

We stood in silence for a moment taking that in. The whole vampire army concept was admittedly mind boggling. Embry wondered if our numbers had climbed so recently to address a threat. He was probably right.

_Why was the blond leech in her bedroom?_ Jacob asked.

"We believe that he was collecting items with her scent," Edward said. His face looked stoney. "To teach her scent to the army." Jacob's rage flared.

_Obviously we want this handled,_ Sam thought. _And we are willing to help. How should we do it?_

"One thing would be to compartmentalize a bit," Edward said. "Fighting side by side would not be ideal for a number of reasons." A ripple of agreement flowed through the pack. "The big decision is whether to go on the offensive, head up to Seattle and address the problem at the source, or to wait for them to come to us." We all considered the options.

_I say we go,_ Paul thought. _Get it done with._

Quil agreed. _Better to take advantage of the element of surprise._

Sam and Jacob also liked the offensive idea. Sam was thinking of Emily. Jacob was thinking of Bella. _Better to keep the danger farther away from home._

_I don't know,_ Embry thought. He had lived in Seattle for a few years. He was trying to picture battling in a city. _We don't know where they are hiding. And how are we supposed to avoid being seen?_

_He's right,_ Leah thought. She pictured us running through the city at night, sniffing out crime while likely racking up frantic calls to animal control.

"We are leaning towards waiting and preparing a strategy," Carlisle said. Edward nodded.

"There are a few reasons why we think this is the right call, but we would like to hear your input. First, as some of you are thinking, it would be difficult to pursue them in Seattle. We usually lean heavily on Alice's powers to gain insight, but if we are receiving direct help from all of you, her vision will be clouded. If we plan to wait, we may be able to separate our efforts enough that we can still gain some insight from her. Also, we agree that catching them off guard is important, but we don't necessarily lose that chance by waiting. We don't think there's any chance Victoria will have considered a coordinated attack from all of us."

_Why wouldn't she suspect that?_ I asked. _I'm sorry, but me chasing her crony out of Bella's house might have clued her in._

Edward shook his head. "The rivalry between your kind and mine goes back farther than any of us."

_Translation: We're dinosaurs and even we weren't around when this feud started._ I could feel the pack, mentally laughing at my assessment. Even Edward cracked a smile. _Shit, I keep forgetting he can hear me._ His smile grew.

_So the bad bloodsuckers won't see it coming because it's impossible to think we would play nice?_ Quil asked.

_Sounds about right,_ Jacob thought.

_How will this help with the holes in Alice's vision?_ I asked. _If she can't see whenever we're involved, and we're planning to help, won't she not be able to see when they're coming?_

"Kim asked how we are planning on addressing the holes in Alice's vision that will result from the pack's involvement," Edward translated.

"That's a fair question," Jasper said. "We have a few things to consider. One, they will most likely be planning on attacking my family, not your pack. In that case, Alice will see when and where that will happen, and we can inform you all once the decision is made. That said, we may want to consider some back up plans."

_What sort of back up?_ Sam asked.

"The old fashioned kind," Edward said, smiling wryly. "Lookouts between here and Seattle. As a supplement, so we don't have to rely entirely on Alice's vision."

_Sounds like a job for a few speedy little feminists,_ Leah thought, picturing our badass little selves running around, ready to sound the alarm when the vampire horde comes through.

_Fuck yeah!_ I could picture it too. It would be perfect. With our minds linked we could see something a hundred miles out and alert the pack instantly and we could easily avoid detection. I could tell Jared wasn't enthused. _It's what you wanted for me,_ I reminded him, rolling my eyes. _Non-combat scouting missions are my forte._

_We can make a schedule,_ Sam thought. _Run in shifts as usual. I'm confident we will be able to provide at least some warning._

"Perfect," Edward said, nodding. "The pack has offered to do some scouting. We can include ourselves in the rotation too, of course." Emmett nodded grinning as he cracked his knuckles behind him. "Just let us know when you need us."

_We'll manage,_ Sam thought, which I thought was foolish. Vampires didn't need to sleep and they had all the free time in the world. Sam glared at me but edited his thoughts. _I will let you know how you can help when I come up with a rotation._

"Perfect," Edward said.

_So what else can we do?_ Seth asked. _To prepare?_

Edward turned to Jasper. "What else can we do to prepare?"

Jasper took a step forward. "I have some experience dealing with newborns," Jasper said. "They're stronger than us. Faster too. But they have their weaknesses. I can teach you how to fight them, if you're willing."

Everyone in the pack bristled a bit. _Fighting lessons? From the bloodsuckers? On how to kill other bloodsuckers?_

_Is he for real?_

I wasn't sure. When I'd met Jasper at school, I hadn't noticed anything peculiar about his skin, other than it's almost blinding lack of pigment. But now I could see him through nine pairs of eyes, focusing on the lines etched in his skin, even in the dim starlight. We pictured him, enduring bite after bite, being torn apart and put back together hundreds of times over maybe hundreds of years. He was a walking jigsaw of battle experience.

_We will watch, but we won't practice,_ Sam thought. _That's too much to ask of our self-control._

"That's fine," Edward said. "They'll watch."

_When?_ Sam asked.

"We can start now," Edward offered. "Unless it's too late for you."

Mental laughter chorused through the whole pack, our individual excitement melding into something tangible, like static building in the clouds before the storm.

As if any of us could think about sleep now.

* * *

We went back nearly every night to watch the Cullens practice. We didn't always all go together. Sometimes we only sent a few to watch and pick apart their movements, while the rest of us watched through their eyes while patrolling. We were getting the drill now. The repeated themes were, don't attack head on, come from the sides, and don't go for the obvious kill. Also don't let them get their arms around you. A newborn vampire was strong enough to crush an older one, meaning they could probably squish us to pulp. In spite of knowing that I wouldn't need to use this information, I was too entranced to let my mind wander. I wondered when Sam would decide we'd seen enough. He was rattled by the lessons as we all were. It was terrifying watching them practice, mostly because we never did.

We wrestled occasionally, but when it came to fighting vampires, we relied on our instincts. But the Cullens had reformed their fighting into an art. They moved so quickly and with such lethal detail that could only be attained through their combined centuries of experience. One thought solidified in our minds. _If it came to a fight between us, we would never win._ It was bad enough knowing that. It was worse knowing Edward knew too. Jacob was especially despondent.

Technically, our treaty forbade the Cullens from biting a human, meaning if they did make Bella a vampire, they would be violating the treaty. Jacob wanted to threaten them, to scare Edward into leaving Bella human. Sam was already thinking of offering them an exception, not because he wanted to, because he had to to keep the peace and to save our lives. Jacob called him a spineless coward. Sam called him a lovesick fool. The rest of the pack was divided. I was indifferent.

I didn't think it would come to a fight either way. I think if they changed Bella, they would leave first. They wouldn't want Charlie to see after all. It wasn't the Cullen's minds that needed changing, it was Bella's.

Soon Alice had a vague vision. She knew where the battle would be, but she didn't know when. We ran as a full pack to inspect the clearing where the fight would take place.

Bella had laid a false trail leading the horde in from the East. Alice saw that the horde would split to attack the Cullens from two sides. The Cullens would be right where they would be expecting; at the end of Bella's trail. The pack would be North, ready to cut off the half of the horde that split off. Alice saw exactly where they would disappear. Sam, Paul, and Embry took a lap to inspect the soon to be battlefield. After completing the lap, we met with the Cullens to talk about the final logistics. The patrols would continue until Alice found a timeline.

_What are you planning on doing with Bella during the fight?_ Jacob asked Edward. _Maybe she should stay in La Push?_

Edward shook his head. "Too many scent trails. She's been back and forth too much."

_Kim and Seth are staying back to protect the Rez. She'd be safe there._

I looked at Seth. _Oh yeah. Nothing's getting past…_ I searched for an appropriate name: _The Danger Duo!_

Seth cheered considerably at the thought of seeing some action. _We'll work on the name though,_ he thought.

Jared, Sam, Leah, and many of the others were considerably less enthused by the idea. They all didn't want vampires to have any reason to come near the Rez. I agreed with them. We had to do what we could to keep the fighting away from innocent people.

_I have an idea,_ Jacob thought. _My smell disgusts your kind right?_ He was picturing carrying Bella to whatever hiding place they decided on, wondering if it would mask her scent.

"Not bad, dog," Edward said, nodding.

_Thanks, leech,_ Jacob thought.

"Definitely worth a try," Edward said. "Let's test the theory."

Jacob ran into the woods to phase back.

"What's going on?" Bella asked, nervous.

Edward explained to her. The Cullens all nodded at the plan. They seemed to like it.

_Good thing he brought his pants,_ Quil thought. _Otherwise someone might file a public nudity charge._

Jacob growled from the trees.

_Or a restraining order,_ Leah thought. Jacob had recently gotten his chance to make up with Bella, and instead of apologizing, he kissed Bella, without her permission. She punched him in the face, managing to break her hand in the process. Unsurprisingly, they were on the outs again. Jacob was hoping that if he got to carry Bella for several miles, they would have time to talk it out and make up. _No better way to resolve a fight than physically trapping them with you for several hours._

I couldn't help but laugh, even though I was rooting for Jacob.

_We're all rooting for Jacob,_ Quil thought.

_High stakes,_ I thought. _I just can't believe her life rests on Jacob's flirting ability._

_We're screwed._ Embry and Quil had this thought at the exact same time and then both laughed out loud. Wolf laughter sounded so strange, almost like choking. I noticed Emmett and Rosalie watching them nervously, which made them laugh harder.

Jacob took longer than usual to phase back, since our thoughts were annoying him so much, but eventually he jogged back into the clearing on two legs. He scooped Bella, who by now was looking extremely pissed off, and then ran off to the tree-line. The Cullens stooped as they tried to pick up her scent.

"It's… effective," Jasper said, nose wrinkled.

"I can't imagine anyone being able to pick up her scent through _that_ ," Rosalie added, nodding.

"Alright," Edward said. "I'll scope out a location and you can carry her out before the fight."

"And then what?" Jacob asked. "Are you going to leave her out there with a cellphone?"

"You have a better idea?"

"Yeah." Jacob looked at me and Seth, and the possibility of a direct line of communication over great distances.

_Oh my god._ I feigned outrage. _He thinks he can just go and split up the Danger Duo?!_

"A hundred miles?" Edward asked. "That's impressive."

_S_ eth was even less enthused by the idea of hiding with Bella than he was with the thought of guarding town. The chance of seeing action was even slimmer.

_I don't mind staying with Bella,_ I offered. Honestly I didn't like it much either, but I couldn't help but feel for her. We were both being forced to sit out for our own good while the people we loved most in the world would be risking their lives. She shouldn't be alone. Jared breathed a sigh of mingled guilt and relief.

_Kim will stay with Bella during the fight._ Sam directed his thoughts toward Edward, who translated.

"Now there's just a question of timing."

_We'll keep up the patrols,_ Sam thought.

At the same time, Jacob said, "we'll have to be ready to go at a moments notice."

Edward nodded. "Just let us know when we can help."

_Will do,_ Sam thought, still bewildered after weeks of battle lessons by the process of working with the Cullens.

"It's new for us too." Edward said. "But all said, we're grateful that you're here."

Paul shuddered and Quil stuck his tongue out. Even when genuine, vampire gratitude left a strange taste.


	28. The Raven and the Bear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope you are all happy and healthy! I wanted to pause for a second to reiterate that this story is not in any way a reflection of the real lives of the Quileute people. I think one of the greatest disappointments of Twilight is that a lot of people were left with the impression that the Quileute nation was a fictional tribe that Smeyer came up with for her books, when really they are a real nation with rich and complex traditions and history, and I want to stress that this story is in no way intended to minimize or discredit that fact.
> 
> I have to confess, I rewrote this chapter several times, as I was really torn as to whether or not to include some version of the part in Eclipse where Bella is told some Quileute 'legends' around a bonfire. I don't have a problem with magical realism in general (ex. kids with unexplained superpowers) but I do think it's problematic to rewrite someone else's culture for the sake of entertainment. I realize I'm just as guilty of this, since, while I've been open about the issues I take with the original series and think I've done a decent job addressing the sexism, I'm way out of my depths as to how to address the racism, and for that I am sorry.
> 
> In the end, I decided not to cut that scene completely, but opted to work in a story I found in a free children's book on the Quileute nation's website in lieu of a vampire/werewolf story. I highly recommend checking out the Quileute nation's website if you have a chance. You can read other stories about the Raven (including the one I definitely didn't get quite right here haha!) I would be very curious to hear what you guys think of this chapter and about representation in Twilight. In my opinion, I think it's important to include indigenous groups in pop culture, but I don't think it's right to rewrite someone else's culture, history, or religion for personal gain. My hope is that the Quileute nation will be thought of and respected in their own right, and not by any association to Twilight. Thank you all!

_I just need you to know, if everything goes south here, and the succubus horde approaches, I_ will _leave you here to die in order to save myself._

_Ok Kim,_ Jared thought. _Sounds fair._ This was our first shift running together. Until now, I'd been running with Leah. In spite of Jared's mostly silent protests, Leah and I had gotten what we asked for, frequent assignments on offensive scouting patrols. It made sense. Seattle was far and Leah and I could cover the most ground in the least time. But today she needed a day to talk to her mother, who was understandably freaking out at the coming battle. So I'd recruited Jared to join me today. Embry was running back in La Push, waiting to sound the alarm if we found something interesting, but his thoughts were quiet enough that it felt like Jared and I were alone.

We ran about a hundred twenty miles west through Olympic National Park. Leah and I were pretty well matched speed wise. We could cover the distance in under thirty minutes. With Jared we pushed forty-five. He was slower and bigger, so trees slowed him down more than Leah and I. We were running back and forth in a rough semi-circle, right outside the Seattle city limits, looking for traces of vampire scent. So far we hadn't found any, stale or fresh. This didn't really phase us. We knew Victoria had a car. The goal wasn't to encounter the horde of course, only to smell where they passed. But I was making plans, just in case. I was confident that I could outrun anything. It was my companion I was worried about.

I pictured Jared, running in that sluggish, galumphing way, letting the vicious undead horde catch up to him and tear him limb from limb. _Jesus,_ he grumbled. _Really didn't need that much detail._

I imagined the funeral, empty casket of course, and not being able to face his parents. The guilt would be crushing. Then, not being able to face anyone or anything, I would move away from town to live on a mountain somewhere, stealing food from campsites, going full on hermit, growing a waist-length beard and sleeping in a cave. Maybe I would take up whittling? Or some other hermit-hobby.

_Everyone has the right to grieve in their own way, I guess,_ Jared thought, though he was puzzled as to how I planned to grow a beard. He chuckled as I imagined stealing mac and cheese out of the hands of some crying kid on his first camping trip.

But, just before I could fully give up on humanity, I would meet Earl.

_Wait, who the fuck is Earl!?_

_Earl was a hermit like me_. I narrated. _He didn't have any teeth left, but I swear there was something_ real _about his smile._ I pictured Earl as an old man straight off the Oregon Trail. Or the California gold rush.

_Gross! Kim!_

_Yes. I'd loved Jared, dearly. But he was gone now, and nothing could bring him back. But there was an alternative to spending the rest of my days on my hermit-hobbies. Perhaps I could move on? Perhaps I could find love again?_

_Kim why?_

_Oh, come on._ I rolled my eyes. _If the worst were to happen, you'd want me to move on and try to find happiness right?_

_Uh, I mean, I guess,_ Jared mentally stuttered. _But why Earl!?_

_Earl gets me. Earl understands. His heart was broken too. His wife and kids found out about his other wife and their kids-_

_No! Kim!_

_And they both left him. Like he was nothing. Earl lost everything-_

_Yeah because he had a secret family! That's messed up!_

_Two families at once. I'd lost everything too. It wasn't love at first. At first it was just a mutual understanding. We both had to learn how to be close with people again after being alone for so long. Love came later._

Jared mentally groaned. _Can we talk about something else?_

_Sure, what should we talk about?_

_Are you excited for tonight?_ Jared asked.

_Yes!_ Tonight we were having a bonfire. As a special treat, grandpa Quil would be telling some of the legends. It was a mixed bag; we never knew exactly what we would get. Sometimes he told the actual legends, sometimes he told his grandfather's stories. I hadn't heard him tell either since I'd joined the pack. Tonight, Jacob invited Bella. They'd made some peace after their fight. I was hoping for an opportunity to talk to Bella tonight. Share my thoughts for whatever they were worth.

_Good luck,_ Jared thought.

_Thanks._

_What are you going to say?_

_I don't really know yet,_ I admitted.

We ran in silence for a while. It didn't bother me honestly. Running side by side with Jared, even though he was slower. It was nice to be with him.

_Nice to be with you too,_ he thought, but there was a somber edge to it. He was thinking about how much he would miss this when I left. I would miss it too. Jared thought about it often. I think it made him feel better, to see that I was almost as torn up as he was. I didn't really know how I was going to do it. It might break me.

_No it won't,_ Jared thought. _Nothing is going to_ break _you. And if it does, you'll pick yourself up and put yourself together again. You're the strongest person I know._ I was so touched and overwhelmed that I stumbled a little before managing to regain balance. I wondered where all this confidence was coming from. Until now, he'd been the source of many of my doubts. Then, as quickly as I'd asked the question, I had the answer. It was Leah.

They'd talked a few days ago. She had some choice words for him about holding your partner back. She said if you couldn't be supportive of your partner's goals you couldn't be a good partner. She told him that if I passed up on an opportunity because of him I would grow to resent him for it. I wondered if that was true.

_I'm not going to hold you back, Kim,_ he thought. _What's four years when we have forever?_ He waited for me to respond but I couldn't get my thoughts in order. _All that matters is that_ you _know what you want._ He didn't put it into words but I could tell he had his doubts on that. He could feel how much I wanted to be here. And how much I wanted to leave. But I couldn't be in two places at once.

_I don't know what I want,_ I admitted.

Jared tried to distract me for the rest of our shift, but my mind kept drifting back. I'd accepted the offer when I felt like an imposter here, a token Protector who would only ever be a burden.

_Kim._ Jared tried to pull me from my negative spiral but I ignored him.

Would I feel any different in school? If I tried to flee La Push the second Sam asked me to take time off from the pack, how would I cope at school when rich white legacies told me I only got into Columbia because of affirmative action?

_No one will say that,_ Jared thought.

_People already have._ I'd overheard another senior at Forks, someone I'd never spoken with personally, speculating with a friend as to how the Indian girl who wasn't even that smart had gotten into Columbia when she hadn't.

"I mean we all know how," she'd said, without even bothering to lower her voice. " _Affirmative action_." Her friend had laughed.

Jared growled and I sighed. Whether I stayed in La Push or left for New York, I would need to start growing a thicker skin. Because people were assholes.

After a few more laps we crossed vampire scent. We both felt a tremor of excitement, but soon realized it was only our relief. The Cullens were taking over tonight. Jared and I kept running until we were close enough to see. It was Emmett and Jasper.

I barked and Jared growled. He still wasn't a fan of Emmett since he almost squished me by the border, and we were all a little intimidated by Jasper after our little fighting workshops had started up. He was a pro.

Neither of us were sure if barking or growling would be a sufficient signal, but Emmett waved at us and we turned and left. I noticed that Jared was a little faster on the return journey. _I want a hotdog,_ he admitted. I laughed. I wanted one too.

We ran straight to Jared's. I phased back and extracted my maxi dress from the tree I'd tied it too. We drove to the beach. It looked like we were the last to arrive. I said my hellos as I went right for the food. Jared and I sat between Bella and Paul. People were giving Bella a wide berth. Fair enough. She smelled like leeches.

"Hey," I said to her as I speared a hotdog. "Nice to see you without any of your usual accessories."

"What?" She asked.

"Edward and Alice," I clarified. "I feel like you guys are always attached at the hip." I examined my hotdog roasting stick. After a brief internal debate I decided it could hold another hotdog.

"Hungry?" She asked.

"Oh yeah," I said. "I've been doing so much cardio lately. It's awful." Jared snorted and I saw Jacob smile. "How have you been? I feel like we haven't talked since before spring break."

"Good!" She sounded a little too chipper. "I've been good."

"I can't believe we're graduating in a _week!_ Time really flies, huh?"

"Yeah," she said. Bella turned to talk to Jacob. Hopefully I could convince her to take a walk with me after so we could talk for real.

Soon Jared and I found ourselves in an unannounced hotdog eating contest, but we ran out of food before a clear winner could be declared, so we moved on to a hotdog skewer sword fight. This also ended in a tie, as we were forced to stop when grandpa Quil cleared his throat to begin the story. All chatter around the campfire died. Jared and laid our hotdog skewers down in a truce.

"Bayak, the Raven, was the cleverest of all the animals," Grandpa Quil said. "There was no problem he couldn't solve. He even figured out how to put the sun in the sky, singing his feathers black in the process. But like everyone, and like every animal, he was not without flaws.

"Bayak was a trickster by nature. He took pleasure in outsmarting his friends, and took every opportunity to do so. He was intelligent yes, but also a lover of short-cuts, and he could not be cautioned to reason, no matter the situation."

Paul scoffed. "Sounds like Kim."

"Oh, you're one to talk!" I hurled some sand at him.

"Kids, please!" Grandpa Quil stopped his story to glare at us. I glared at Paul. He smirked at me. I started shaking.

"I got sand in my eyes," Seth whined.

I sighed, deflated. "Sorry Seth."

Grandpa maintained his withering glare for another moment before launching back into his story. "One day, Bayak and his wife invited the Bear over to their home for dinner. It was pouring that night. Bayak's wife lit a fire to chase away the cold and the damp. The Bear was dripping when he came inside.

"'Good,' he said, when he saw the fire, 'I can dry my damp fur by the fire.'

"He went right to the fire and draped his front legs over the lodgepole, fur nearly grazing the flames. The fire warmed the Bear, and chased the water from his fur. It dripped and sizzled on the fire beneath him. The fire was so hot that oil began to drip from the Bear's feet, onto the flames. The warm smell of fat permeated the room. The Raven watched as the Bear sighed, completely content to have his fur dried so quickly, and unbothered by his sizzling feet.

"Bayak had also been out in the rain. His feathers were soaked, and he was chilled to the bone. He went to join the Bear by the fire.

"'Don't even think about it,' Bayak's wife said. 'The fire is too hot for you.'

"'Nonsense!' Bayak cawed. 'Look at Bear! He's so happy there! His thick fur is almost dry, and his feet are dripping oil. I will dry my feathers, just as he dries his fur, and my feet will drip with oil too.'

"'I think you will regret it,' Bayak's wife said, but Bayak pushed passed her, and sat next to the Bear, his feet grazing the fire as the Bear's did. His feather's started to drip and the water steamed on the floor. But soon his feet felt uncomfortably warm. He looked down, wondering when the oil would drip from his feet as it had from Bear's.

"'Your feet aren't like Bear's!' Mrs. Bayak cawed at him. 'Pull them back from the fire!'

"'No,' he cawed back. 'Look at Bear's feet. His are fine!'

"Mrs. Bayak rolled her eyes. Bayak did not move his feet. Minutes later, the pain became too great and he drew his feet away from the flames. They were blackened and gnarled. As hot as they got, they never dripped with oil as Bear's had. Bayak cried, looking at his ruined feet.

"'I told you,' Mrs. Bayak said. 'Bears and Ravens are different. Just because the Bear can do something doesn't mean you can do the same and expect the same result.'"

Grandpa Quil looked up from the dimming fire and looked around the circle at each of us. "And that is why the Raven's feet are dark and gnarled."

We all sat in stillness and quiet for a long moment. Then I started clapping. Seth joined in, looked around, realized no one else was clapping and stopped again.

"I don't know, all this talk about how clever the Raven is, he never seems to do very well," Quil said.

"True," Jacob said.

"Didn't he put the sun in the sky though?"

"Yeah he should win some points for that."

The atmosphere quickly lightened. Quil and Embry played slaps on the other side of the fire, and slowly drew in spectators from all sides. I winced at a loud one. Bella hadn't said anything since the story began. I wracked my brain, trying to come up with a plan to get her alone, but before I could come up with anything, Bella leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Can we go talk?"

I blinked. "Sure."

We crept away from the circle and walked along the water. I waited for her to say something, but she didn't.

"What did you think?" I asked.

"It's like magic," she said.

"I always thought so too," I said. "But now I'm starting to wonder if magic is real too." I smiled at her. She didn't answer. Wow, I could hardly get a word in, she was so chatty.

"I need to ask you a favor," she said, finally.

I wasn't expecting that. "Shoot."

Bella fidgeted for a moment. "I need to be in that clearing."

I froze. "What?"

"During the fight," she said. I started shaking my head, but she kept talking. "I know you want to be there too. You don't want to sit out either, and I know Sam's orders don't work on you."

I tried to ignore that. I supposed Edward told her, but it still felt violating. I didn't want anyone outside knowing anything about the pack. "What are you planning on doing once we get there?" I tried to keep the laughter out of my voice but I struggled. It was so hard to picture Bella, a pale, frail little wisp of a girl on a battlefield. What could she possibly contribute?

"Whatever I can," she said. "Jasper thinks I can distract them."

I rolled my eyes. "Jasper shouldn't have thought that out loud."

"If I can help-"

" _Really_ Bella? You want to volunteer yourself as _bait_?"

She glared at me. "If that's what it takes. Wouldn't be my first choice." She sighed. "I asked them to change me. I'm useless as is. I can't do anything to help. I asked them to change me sooner so I could help."

My heart pounded as she spoke. I'd never understood Bella, but I felt like I was starting to understand her a bit. Maybe she didn't want to be like them, bloodless and blood-crazed. Maybe it was just a sacrifice she was willing to make for them.

"What did they say?" I asked.

"They said no," she said. "They said it wouldn't be enough time to make me useful. I wouldn't know how to fight and I would get in the way."

I flinched as her words struck a chord. "Bella, is that why you want to be a vampire?"

"What?"

"Do you want to be a vampire so you can fight for them?"

"No, of course not, but if I can-"

"Do you want to be a vampire at all?" I asked. "Or are you just willing to do whatever you can to make things easier for them?"

"No I-"

"Or easier for him?"

"No."

I thought back to that moment by her house during Harry's funeral. When Jacob went to go talk to her and she sped out of the house. I thought about Alice's urgent pace and Bella's frantic desperation as they rushed out of the house to go find Edward.

"That day at the end of spring break," I asked. "When you and Alice rushed off. You weren't racing just because he was sad and you wanted to see him. He was going to hurt himself, wasn't he?"

She nodded. "He said he couldn't live without me."

I winced. "Did he ever threaten to do something like that again?" Bella was silent for a long time. "Bella, that's… really shitty. And… manipulative." She started shaking her head. "Even if he doesn't mean it that way."

"He's not manipulating me," she said. "He doesn't want to change me. Trust me, that took a _lot_ of convincing."

My stomach dropped. "You convinced him?"

"We belong together," she said, her voice soft but certain. "He knows that too. When I change, we'll fit together better. It _will_ make things easier, but I'm doing it for me."

"So that's why then?" I asked. "You want to change everything about yourself to fit with him a little better?"

"I don't even know why we're talking about this." She scowled. "Are you going to help me get in that clearing or not?"

"No."

Bella huffed a quick sigh, straightened her back, and turned to walk back toward the bonfire.

"No Bella, don't go," I said, cutting around her to block her path. "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to understand."

"I don't know how to explain it any better," Bella sighed, stepping around me. "There isn't a thing I wouldn't do for the people I love."

"I love Jared as much as you love Edward," I said. "But I'm not about to defy orders just for a better view of the fight, and I certainly wouldn't change everything about myself just to be with him."

She turned to face me, her usually wide eyes narrowing. "You don't love Jared as much as I love Edward."

"What?"

"Jacob told me," she said. "He said you're going to New York in the fall even though it's going to destroy him." A tremor rolled down my spine, soon building to a violent rhythm, one that I wasn't sure I'd be able to slow. I was almost surprised I could hear Bella's soft voice over the pulse pounding in my ears. "If I were you, I wouldn't be able to leave. Because it would have destroyed me too. So don't pretend you love Jared as much as I love Edward. Jacob said that Sam told you to take some time off, and that was all it took to convince you that you don't belong in his world." I shook harder but she wasn't looking at me. She looked out at the sea, her lips curled into a peaceful smile. "Edward thought I didn't belong in his world too, but I convinced him otherwise. I _had_ to. You and me? We aren't the same."

I backed away from her as she spoke, just in case. I shot a furtive glance back to the bonfire but no one was looking at us. I don't think Bella noticed. "I don't know how they convinced you to sit out. I wouldn't have been able to sit out if I were you. It's going to kill me not being there." Her voice broke at the end. "Edward's going to try to stop me, but I'm going to find a way to be there, to do whatever I can, whether you'll help me or not."

She walked back towards the bonfire. It took me a moment to find words. "I think you could try to learn something from tonight's story," I called after her. I tried and failed to keep the tremor from my voice. Bella stopped walking but didn't turn to face me. "Maybe you have something in common with the Raven. I think you're a bird who's convinced herself she can be a bear. And I think you'll get burned for it."

Bella barely even turned her head. "I'd rather be a stupid bird than a coward." She walked back to the others, leaving me alone, shaking by the water.


	29. Canvas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, settle in for a long one! I originally had this split into two chapters but I figured I would just smoosh it all into one big mega chapter so... enjoy! Heads up, we're heading into the battle here, so there's some violence, gore, sadness, death, (ie. what you might expect in a battle) ahead.

Bella's words played on a loop in my mind. On our graduation night, Alice had the vision we were waiting for. The newborn army was coming on Saturday and it was up to us to be ready. Bella laid a false trail which Alice foresaw would divide the army neatly in two, leaving half for the Cullens and half for the pack. Seth was to stay in La Push in Emily and Sam's house, where the family members would gather. I was to wait with Bella in an undecided hiding place. But now, mostly thanks to Bella, I was having some major doubts about sitting out at all.

_Not sure how that went so wrong._ Leah scowled as she recalled my conversation with Bella on the beach. _You were supposed to talk some sense into her, not let her get in your head._

_I was caught off guard by her reasoning._

_Reasoning,_ Leah scoffed. _There's no reasoning. You found out she has absolutely no self preservation instincts. That shouldn't have surprised you._

Jacob growled but we ignored him.

_I don't want us to be like them, Kim,_ Jared thought. _Don't let her tell you how you feel. You wanting to live doesn't mean we love each other less._ Jared was just as bothered as I was that Bella said I didn't love Jared as much as she loved Edward. It bothered Jacob too for different reasons.

_It's not your decision._ Sam's thoughts were firm. _It's_ mine. _I will decide what's best for all of us. And right now that is for Seth to stay back and protect La Push and for you to stay with Bella. Based on everything we know, the rest of us will be more than able to handle the threat. If we thought otherwise, I_ would _ask you and Seth to help, but as is it would be an unnecessary risk and maybe a liability._

Translation, Jared would be too distracted to help if I was there, and Leah might be distracted if her baby brother was there. Wouldn't want to distract the _real_ fighters.

_I'm not a baby,_ Seth grumbled. I tried not to stew on Sam's word choice. Seth was to 'protect' La Push and I was to 'stay' with Bella.

Sam was nervous. I was a wildcard and we all knew it. He didn't need to worry though. _Just because I can break orders doesn't mean I will,_ I thought. _I promise._ I couldn't imagine wanting to sabotage the pack. Sam calmed down when he saw that this level of resolve was intact in my mind.

Jared and I were off duty on Friday. Alice had courteously included me in her and Bella's weekend shopping trip alibi, meaning I got to spend the day and night leading up to the battle with Jared. I was also clear for the fight and whatever the pack would do to celebrate after. I couldn't bear to think that we might not be celebrating. It seemed everyone was excited except me. I had a knot in the pit of my stomach, an aching worry that everything was going to go terribly wrong. Anxiety doesn't help. I was almost relieved that I would be with Bella during the fight. We could drown in worry together.

"Calm down," Jared said, for the umpteenth time tonight. He'd been saying it all day too, worried because for once I didn't have an appetite. We'd been planning on having sex tonight since his parents weren't home, but I was too worked up to get in the mood. In the end I was so agitated that I shoved him off of me and rolled away. Jared was not anxious. He'd been a picture of calm since the patrolling was finished and now all I had left was the safest job. We'd only ever been worried about each other anyways. "Everything's going to be ok," he said. This was another popular Jared line today. "Apparently it's going to be easy. Almost too easy. We might even have to take turns to make sure everyone gets a bit of action."

I burst into tears.

"Kim?" I didn't look at him but I could hear the panic in his voice. "Kim what'd I say?" I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know how to answer him anyways. He put his arms around me. I thought about pushing him away but I didn't. "Everything's going to be ok. Nobody's going to get hurt. I'm serious it's going to be easy."

"Don't," I choked.

"Don't what?"

It took me a minute to breathe deeply enough to get the sobs out of my voice. "Don't talk about how _easy_ it's going to be." I tried to keep my voice stable, but failed. "Don't joke about how you don't even have to _try_. It doesn't make me feel better."

"I'm sorry-"

"You have to _try."_ I spun around to look at him. His eyes were wide and my voice was tight. "Take it seriously. Don't try to show off or be the hero. Don't get in some kind of dick measuring contest with your _stupid_ brothers. Just do your part. I'll be watching. If you get hurt tomorrow because you lost focus or wanted to show off or wanted to get your share of the action or whatever the fuck you are so excited about I will never forgive you. Do you understand me?"

We stared at each other, silent except for our heartbeats. Even our breathing had stopped. Then he nodded.

I turned back over. I couldn't look at him. After a moment he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in close. I didn't fight it.

"Jesus, you're scary," he mumbled into my back. I didn't answer but I felt a little better. At least he would take it seriously. That's really all I could ask.

The next thing I remember was Jared gently shaking me.

"Kim?"

I blinked, confused. It was pitch black outside and rain was gently tapping the window.

"Wha-?" I mumbled. Then I heard the howling. It was Leah. Jacob was with Bella at whatever hiding place they'd decided on. Leah was patrolling town in case there was any news. She said there was no way she'd be able to sleep anyway.

"I think you're being summoned," Jared said.

I sat up, finally registering the sounds of barking over the rain. "Ugh."

"Want me to come with and see what's up?"

"No it's fine." I kissed him. "One bark for 'all's good,' three barks for 'get your rear in gear.'"

"Sounds good."

I sighed at the rain. I was going to get wet and since my fur was so thick it would take forever for me to dry. Jared laughed at me. "You good?"

"Yep," I worked up the energy to stand and threw on my maxi dress. "Go time." I ran outside and phased.

_You are needed because Bella is cold,_ Leah greeted me with absolute exasperation.

_Please hurry,_ Jacob thought. He was standing on a mountaintop in heavy snow, listening to her teeth chatter from outside the tent.

_Jesus,_ I grumbled. _I thought Edward was supposed to be omniscient? Did he really not know that humans can freeze to death?_ I started to run, but remembered I needed to give Jared the signal so he could go back to sleep. I doubled back, barking once outside Jared's window, and then ran toward the world's worst choice of campsite.

_Sorry to interrupt sexy time,_ Leah thought.

_Don't be._ I sighed. _We didn't make it to the sexy time part. I cried and then yelled at him instead._

Leah cringed as I remembered just how sideways my night had gone. Jacob couldn't contain his laughter.

_Oh my god,_ he thought gleefully.

To spite him, I imagined the conversation Bella and I would have after the battle. We would side by side down the mountain, me in the maxi dress I'd expertly tied to my back leg and her probably biting her lip and frowning at nothing. Then, to break the silence, I would say, 'so I honestly think Jacob sucks and Edward is totally right for you.'

_Shut up,_ Jacob growled. Then he sighed. _At least you didn't make Jared sit out._

_Sit out?_

_Bella talked Edward into sitting out apparently,_ Jacob thought.

I felt a trickle of fear. _Does she know something we don't?_

_No. She just wouldn't let him fight._ Jacob rolled his eyes. _Dude's so whipped._

_Or maybe he's starting to feel just a_ teeny _bet guilty for all of the trauma he's inflicted on this girl that he supposedly loves?_ I was also pissed at Bella though. She was going to shit on me for not pulling my weight when she was taking people off the field so she could feel better? It was never really about selflessness for her. It was the opposite.

I found Jacob's scent trail at the base of the mountain, faint from the rain but still navigable. As I charged up the incline rain gave way to snow. Jacob was hoping I would remind her of that Edward-inflicted trauma at my next intervention attempt.

_Yeah because the last intervention went so well,_ Leah thought.

_It's not Kim's fault,_ Jacob insisted. _She was anxious about the battle and Bella was mean, but after this is out of the way they'll both be thinking more clearly._

_Both?!_ I snarled.

_Oh so women are just emotional and unstable, is that what you're saying?_ Leah growled, doubling down.

I reached the campsite then. Jacob radiated relief, desperate to escape this conversation. I turned around so he could change.

The rest of the night was surreal. I listened to Edward and Jacob have a tense, unexpected heart to heart in a tiny little tent while Bella slept off the post-hypothermic exhaustion. _Who knew three-ways could be this boring?_ Leah laughed at that. I curled up in the snow, amazed that I wasn't feeling cold.

_You excited for tomorrow?_ I asked Leah, dryly.

_I'm afraid to answer that,_ Leah thought, remembering my last conversation with Jared.

_Fair enough._

She considered it for a minute. _No, I'm not excited. Not that I would want to sit out either. I don't envy you on that, but I am nervous. I'm worried I won't be able to pull my own weight._

_Don't think like that. We all have jobs to do._

_Like Sam said,_ she thought, bitterly. _But you don't really buy that do you?_

_Guess not._ I yawned and watched my breath steam out in front of me. _I hate feeling like-like some kind of token pack member._

_You're not a token member,_ Leah thought. _More like Sam put you on the bench._

_Oof._ I thought. _Rough day for feminism._

_It's ok. I'll bag enough for both of us._

_Ugh! Not you too!_ I howled in frustration. The hushed conversation in the tent went silent. Then I heard Edward tell Jacob that it was ok, I was just fighting with Leah. Jacob chuckled and I gnashed my teeth.

_Sorry,_ Leah thought.

_All good._ I sighed again. _I'm glad you'll be there to rep Furball's for Feminism. But I will remind you that while part of our code is being undeniably badass and not expecting special treatment, another part of our code should be not having to act like we've got something to prove._

Leah chewed on that for a moment. _Yeah I guess. Hadn't thought about it like that._

I supposed I should follow my own words. I wouldn't have admitted it out loud, but in spite of the hypocrisy of asking Edward to sit out, I was still stuck on Bella's words, replaying them again and again in my mind. Leah begged me to stop but I couldn't.

Bella, with almost nothing in her arsenal, claimed she was ready to lay down her life to protect her soon to be adoptive family. I resented her implication that she loved Edward more than I loved Jared, and loved the Cullens more than I loved my pack. I knew it was stupid, but I felt like I had to prove her wrong somehow.

_Kim you need to let this go,_ Leah growled. _I can't believe you let her get to you that much._ Leah was right. Part of not expecting special treatment was to not gripe and sit on the bench when told to. _Of course I'm right,_ Leah insisted. _And the other part applies too._

_Being undeniably badass?_

_No dummy,_ she thought. _Not acting like you've got something to prove. You don't need to prove that you love Jared. He knows. Who gives a fuck what Bella thinks? She doesn't know you._

I tried to forget Bella's words and focus on Leah's instead. I felt better after talking to her.

_You're welcome,_ she thought.

I listened to the conversation in the tent, laughing at how candid Edward and Jacob were being. Tomorrow was going to be weird, watching my pack fight for their lives in this quaint little shitty campsite with Edward and Bella. Cozy. Leah coughed a rough canine laugh. The conversation in the tent eventually died down, probably because Jacob managed to fall asleep, but Leah stayed with me. We thought about the fight tomorrow, and about our other, more drawn out fight for feminism, of course. I thought about Jared. She thought about Sam. I thought about Columbia, which in spite of looming closer felt like it was becoming less and less certain. Leah thought about her senior year. I'd wondered before why she had supported me on my decision, but it hadn't come up when we were together. I'd wondered if she had given up some opportunity to stay with Sam.

_Not exactly,_ she admitted. She hadn't even applied. She was encouraged to-her parents wanted her to and her teachers thought her chances were good with her grades-but she let all the deadlines slip by. She and Sam had put a deposit on the house that he now lived in with Emily. Her plans were so entwined with his that when he disappeared, the only future she'd imagined disappeared too.

_Didn't mean to bum you out,_ she thought. _Just...I think it's valid to make plans you can carry out by yourself if you have to._

_It's all good,_ I thought, though her words weighed on me. We watched the sunrise together, first through my eyes, then through her's. I was higher up, so my vantage point was better.

Leah thought about Sam. She thought about her father. _You never really know how much you have until it's gone._

* * *

Even before the battle began, the morning was a shit-show. Right after our lovely little sunrise, the peaceful silence was broken by the sounds of Edward and Jacob fighting about nothing. The pack phased in one by one.

When Jared joined he was trying very hard not to think of last night's emotional ultimatums. He was also trying to hide how bummed he was that we didn't end up having sex last night, and trying to hide that he'd spent most of the morning so far dreaming up hopeful, post-battle victory sex plans. Paul teased him relentlessly, making unhelpful suggestions, and critiquing his form in these fantasies.

I cut him off and tried to make my case. _Look all I'm saying is, if any of you die today because you're doing something stupid, someone's gonna miss you a lot. And that's not fair. Sam needs to think about Emily. Seth and Leah have to think about each other and Sue. And Quil, you need to think about me, your favorite cousin, and our batshit crazy family, and also the long line of lovers, ex-lovers and current lovers, who have never gotten over you and probably never will._ Quil smirked. Paul rolled his eyes. I didn't want to exclude Paul so I tried to think about someone who would miss him. _There's gotta be someone…_ Paul growled, drowning me out.

_My point is,_ I paused. _I_ will _be watching. And if any of you get injured because you're just having_ soo _much fun down there, I'll kill you myself._ Quil and Embry laughed. _Don't test me. I'm crazy._

_No one is going to get hurt,_ Sam assured me. _How are things up there?_

_Oh, it was a top notch camping experience,_ I reported. _Bella almost died of hypothermia because Edward somehow forgot humans feel temperature, I think? Either that or he's secretly Victoria in an Edward skin suit and that was her plan to kill Bella slowly._

I heard Edward growl from the tent. I forgot he could hear me. Oops. Actually I didn't really care.

_How are things now?_ Sam asked.

_Now they're just wrapping up the world's dumbest and worst sleepover-_

_Not sure how they topped your sleepover with Jared last night,_ Paul jeered, picturing Jared mournfully rubbing one out after I'd fallen asleep.

_Jackass!_ I growled.

Jared thought, _Fuck off!_ At the same time.

_Sorry,_ Paul thought, though we all could feel that he wasn't sorry at all.

_Where is Jacob?_ Sam asked.

_Sleeping in the tent with his girlfriends,_ I scoffed. _Want me to get him?_

_Yes please._

"Out!" Edward said, before I could even bark. "You're being called." Jacob stumbled out of the tent, blinking in the sun, face scrunched into a frown.

He stumbled off to phase. It felt surreal to watch him walking around barefoot in the snow, even though it melted where he stepped. When he did phase, we all felt his smugness as he recounted his night. He'd slept with Bella in the same sleeping bag. Edward had allowed it since she was dying of hypothermia and vampires don't produce body heat.

_Kim,_ he barked. _Get closer to the tent. I want to hear what they're saying._

I almost laughed. _I don't!_

_Kim!_ He whined. _This is important!_

_You know Edward can hear me from here, right? He's going to know I'm listening._

_Shit,_ Jacob thought. _You know what? I don't care._

_Ugh! You're the worst!_ I crept closer anyways. His curiosity was contagious.

"I'll give you a hint," I heard Edward say. "All of them have happened since I met you."

"Really?" Bella asked. "I guess that narrows it down."

Jacob realized what was happening before I did. Bella was guessing Edward's top five nights. They talked about early dating, when he first started staying over in her room, sneaking in so Charlie wouldn't hear. Bella talked about when he came back after leaving her last fall. I gritted my teeth at that one. So did Jacob. It was bothering him, hearing them talking like a couple. It shouldn't have surprised Jacob, but I still felt bad for him. I turned to walk away from the tent.

_No!_ Jacob insisted.

_You really are a glutton for punishment, aren't you?_

He growled.

"I give up," Bella said. "What was your best night?"

"Two nights ago," he said. "When you finally agreed to marry me." I felt Jacob stumble. The pain rolled off of him in waves. "What? That wasn't even on your list?"

_I mean, she also said he's going to make her into a vampire, we kind of knew she thinks she has her mind made up-_

_Shut up!_ Jacob wailed.

"No, it _was_ on my list-" Bella said. That's when Jacob started howling. I cringed at the mournful sound. Jacob started running. I walked away from the tent. I didn't want to listen anymore. The others were at a loss of what to say. We all cared about Jacob. As a pack we celebrated and grieved as one. I thought I heard Bella crying from inside the tent, but the sound was so faint I couldn't be sure. Then Edward appeared, slipping out of the tent. He sprinted away.

_Um, Jacob?_ I thought.

_I see him._ Jacob stopped running. He waited at the trail, fur bristling, ready to attack.

_Don't,_ Sam growled.

_What if he's coming to finish me off?_ Jacob asked.

_Then defend yourself. But I doubt it._

We watched through Jacob's eyes as Edward appeared, his expression stony, and his posture defeated. "Please go talk to her," Edward said. His voice surprised me, soft but desperate. "She needs you."

Jacob phased back. We couldn't see what happened next.

_Shit,_ Embry thought. All the others were in the clearing now, waiting for battle and watching the drama unfold. Minutes later they appeared together, Jacob was back in his human form. They walked with a full ten feet between them. I could feel the others watching through my eyes.

"Bella?" Edward asked, from just outside the tent. She climbed awkwardly out. She looked rough. Her eyes were bloodshot and her hair was a mess. "I won't listen," Edward promised. "I won't be far, but I'll give you privacy." He walked over to where I stood. "Come on, Kim."

_Ew don't let him tell you what to do,_ Paul grumbled. I ignored him and followed Edward away. I had a feeling this was going to be bad. Jacob wasn't in a great state right now and he wasn't known to be smooth on his best days. I noticed Edward smirk, probably at my thoughts, and I growled at him.

"Sorry," he said, though it didn't sound like he meant it. He leaned back against a tree. I guess we were far enough.

_Kind of you, to sit out with her,_ I thought. Edward shrugged. I felt Jared bristle a bit wondering if I was mad that he hadn't volunteered to sit out.

_I'm not Bella,_ I reassured him. _I wouldn't have asked. I know you can handle yourself._ Jared didn't respond with words, but I could feel his relief.

Edward looked back in the direction of the campsite. We were too far to see it of course. "You were right before," he said. "I do feel guilty about all the trauma I've inflicted on her."

_And yet you can't seem to stop piling it on, can you?_ I would've stopped myself before saying that out loud. Probably. But I couldn't censor my thoughts. Edward hissed at me, eyes dangerous. This was met by a barrage of threats and anger from the entire pack. They were all watching us now. _Sorry,_ I thought. _Just never thought I'd meet a one hundred and ten year old with less game._ I settled down in the snow. It would be awkward if he lost his temper, attacked me, and the pack all turned on his family right before the battle. What a mess that would be.

"I'm not going to attack you," Edward said through gritted teeth.

_Super,_ I thought. _Because I'm about to give you some honest, desperately needed feedback, and this shit ain't easy to hear. Jealousy ain't cute. Never is. The more you try to tell her how to feel, the more she'll push you away. You need to step back and let her figure this out._

"What do you think I'm doing here with you?" Edward asked.

_Letting Jacob sabotage himself?_ I asked. Edward smiled. _I said the same thing to him but listening skills are not his forte._ Edward smiled again. _I'm serious,_ I growled. _That little move you pulled in the tent? What the_ fuck _was that?! You claim to love Bella, but that's really hard to believe when you seem to get such a kick out of hurting her. I swear it's like you want her to feel guilty for existing._

I expected him to hiss again, to have to regain control, but instead he looked stricken. Like I'd pulled out a gun and shot him. "That's not true," he said, his voice small.

_Whatever,_ I spat. _Fight dirty._ Win _the girl. I would never expect you to give a shit about Jacob, but, I'm not going to lie, I almost thought you'd give a shit about who else gets hurt in the fallout. At least Bella. But now I know you'll just do whatever it takes to win, but you know what? If you push her too hard, she won't be the same person after. Think on that._

Edward said nothing. He just stared at me while the rest of the pack backed me up and piled on. Sam thought about how he'd found Bella in the woods after he'd left. I thought about how angry I felt when she went back to him after he came back like nothing had ever happened. Most of the others thought about how gross vampires were and how much Edward sucked for wanting to turn her into one.

Edward recoiled inward, taking the barrage of mental insults. Then I felt Jacob's consciousness in my mind as he phased back. That must have been the cue Edward was waiting for, because before I could register any of Jacob's thoughts, Edward was gone, running back to the campsite. Then I gathered the general overview and scowled.

_Are you serious?_ I asked. _Not ok, Jacob!_

_What the fuck is wrong with you?_ Leah asked.

_Why should he be the only one who's allowed to fight dirty?_ Jacob sneered.

_Didn't think you'd be so quick to sink to the vampire's level,_ I answered.

Jacob growled. He'd convinced Bella to kiss him by threatening to 'honorably' die in battle to take himself out of the equation. I felt a little queasy. What an emotionally manipulative little shit.

Jacob ignored that. _Get back to the campsite,_ he thought. _I want to see his reaction._

_No,_ I scowled. _I'm done._

_Please?_

_No!_

_Focus Jacob,_ Sam ordered. Jacob listened and ran faster. The battle would be starting soon. The others could hear the vampires at the far end of the false trail. The horde was going to split up soon. Then it would be starting. They'd be blood-crazed and coming right to the pack. To Leah and Quil. To Jared.

The forest around me shivered. The trees, the snow, the sky, all faded to grainy sepia. A deep humming filled my ears, drowning out even the sounds of the packs' thoughts. It was like the world was falling away. I stood petrified, waiting for it to end, but this time it didn't. I lay down, forcing my eyes shut until the humming began to fade.

_Kim?! Kim?!_

_Jared?_ I opened my eyes to white and green and blue. To sounds of wind and distant birdsong. It was over. For the first time, it happened when I wasn't in danger. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe it was caused by panic.

_Kim everything is going to be ok,_ Sam thought, stern. _No one is going to get hurt._ _I need you to go back to the campsite with Edward and Bella. Can you do that?_

_Y-yes!_ I ran to the tent and sat next to it trying to breathe deeply. I listened as Edward narrated to Bella, trying to force myself to calm down. The fight was starting, and I didn't want to distract the pack. I felt a flash of panic when Leah went for one alone, but she took him down without a problem. Jeepers she was fast.

_Damn straight,_ she thought as she ripped its head off. Jacob and Embry took down another. The vampires looked scared now. They certainly weren't expecting us. My breath caught as Jared took down one that had peeled away from the group. As the battle went on, my heart began to slow. It was going to be ok. For all the banter and fooling around, when it came down to it, the pack was unified and entirely focused on their goal. They were taking them out, one at a time. Before long, they had the few remaining vampires circled. Then the winds shifted and my heart stuttered again.

Two familiar scents. Victoria and the blond that I had chased out of Bella's bedroom. The one outcome we hadn't prepared for or even considered. They found _us_. They weren't like the newborns in the valley. Victoria had maybe a century of experience.

_No!_ Jared gasped. He was so thrown that he almost took a hit. _Get out of there Kim! Run!_

I turned towards the sound of tearing fabric in time to see Edward ripping the tent open in one fluid motion. His expression was bleak and Bella's was shocked. He couldn't outrun them with Bella. He couldn't fight them both at the same time. But he might have a shot if I helped. Jared practically threw the vampire he was almost finished dismembering to Paul, sprinting for the campsite. Jacob was right behind him.

"Please," Edward whispered to me, eyes wide and pleading. He scooped up Bella and ran for the shale rock wall, a more defensible position. My paws felt heavy and my legs felt weak as I ran after them.

_Kim no!_ Jared's thoughts were nearly a shout. _Fuck them! Get out of there now!_ Quil and Leah chimed in with support.

Jacob, like Edward, was willing me to stay. _Bella, Bella, Bella,_ he thought. She had asked him to stay with her during the fight. Jacob had refused. If she died today, that memory would haunt him for as long as he lived.

_Kim, get out of there!_ Sam barked. _Run to Jared. Now!_ I didn't move. _That's an order!_

For the first time, I wished his orders worked on me. That way I could have left without it having to be my decision. I imagined being forced down to safety, pressing up against Jared's side, feeling Jacob's grief, but knowing that I bore no responsibility for it.

_Yes, Kim please!_ Jared breathed. _Please!_ He was still running full out, but he knew he wouldn't make it in time. His breathing was ragged, not from exertion but from grief. He was picturing my fantasy too, wishing for it so hard his head and chest ached.

I didn't believe in destiny before, even when Jared told me what it felt like when he saw me for the first time on that beach, that we were fated to be together. That changed when I saw inside his mind. Some things do happen for a reason. Some things were laid out from the start, unfolding around a central point of reason, instead of by chance. I knew the moment I scented the vampires coming for us that somehow, my decision was already made long ago.

For the first time I was starting to understand the reason that I was here, thrown into this life and this pack. Not because some cruel boy made me feel small and angry, forcing up some monster buried deep within me. No. I was here because down the line, I was meant to protect someone. Here and now.

_Distract them for as long as you can._ I directed my thoughts to Edward now. _Help is on the way._ I didn't say that help wouldn't get here in time, but he knew. _I'll go for the blond. You can handle Victoria?_ He nodded.

Jared's grief rolled over me in waves. _Please please please please. Don't leave me like this. Kim please!_ Jared sobbed. Then my name was the only word in his mind, and even that was broken. Everything else was pain.

_I love you._ I thought each word as clearly as I could, over and over, so I could be sure that he would hear me and feel that I meant it. I felt it to my bones. The pain grew in my chest as I watched Victoria and the blond charge towards us. Now my thoughts were broken by agony too. _I love you_ so _much!_

Victoria and the blond stopped less than twenty feet from us, sizing us up, looking for an opening. Edward tried to distract them by telling the blond, Riley apparently, that Victoria was using him and he was going to die if he stayed. Victoria convinced him otherwise with just a few words.

I felt the anger building in my chest, which spilled out as a guttural growl. Victoria smiled, entirely unfazed. Had anyone else in the pack been here it might have given her pause, but I was just too small. I'd accepted that fact before, but I hated it now.

Riley and Victoria charged. I sprang at Riley to cut him off before he could reach Bella. My senses flickered out, my vision robbed of all color and my hearing robbed of sound, just as they always did when I was in danger and overwhelmed with fear. One minute the world seared with color, sound, and smell, and in the next it washed away. But I was expecting it this time. I stayed on course. I'd memorized Riley's exact position and movement, predicting exactly when and where we would collide. That's how I planned where to bite down.

When my senses returned I choked on the reeking, marble-like piece of undead flesh in my mouth. I spat it out. It was a piece of his hand. I felt the mingled shock and cautious relief radiating from my pack. I saw Edward and Victoria facing off out of the corner of my eye, not yet making contact. I growled at Riley, feeling my fur rise, wondering if I could draw him away. I might have a chance if I could distract him long enough for Jared and Jacob to get here. He swung at me with what remained of his right hand and I darted out of the way. I was faster than he was.

He took a few more swings, which I neatly dodged. He let out a frustrated scream and turned, running straight for Bella. _No!_ Jacob screamed in my mind. Again, I judged his distance and pace as I charged. Again, the thrumming sepia reared up and blocked everything from view.

This time when the colors returned they were accompanied by unbearable pain. I was sprawled on the ground, ten feet away from where I was supposed to be, my shoulder throbbing. I tried to stand, vision blurring again, this time from the pain.

_Kim!_ I could hear Jared's anguish, alongside my own, but his thoughts were mostly drowned out by the ringing in my ears.

With massive effort I stood up, using my three good legs. My fourth hung limp at my side, dislocated and shattered. I limped forward a step, dragging my bad leg, and barked. Riley was only steps from Bella but he turned to me, snarling.

He closed the distance between us in a fraction of a second and landed a blow to my back. I heard bones crunch. It took me a moment to realize they were my own, before I felt the pain that accompanied the sound. I collapsed. I didn't even feel myself fall, only realizing when I was on the ground.

I heard a familiar metallic screech of vampire flesh being torn, soon drowned out by Edward's screams. I turned my head just in time to see Victoria tear his arm away. She chucked his severed limb aside, her motions casual and her smile callous. I fought for breath but it wouldn't come. I tasted blood.

_I'm sorry,_ I cried, knowing Jared was listening. _We had to try._ Jared couldn't find words. He was so close and moving fast, but he wouldn't make it in time. His pain was unbearable, eclipsing even my own. Riley smiled as he looked down at my broken body, taking a moment to mock me with his eyes, smirking before finishing me off, but I thought of Jared. Only Jared. I knew there wasn't time for my whole life to flash before my eyes, so I settled for a snapshot. I pictured the two of us, sitting on our favorite dead tree, watching the sunset over the ocean after a storm. Leah was right. You really don't know how much you have to lose until it's gone.

Then, without warning, Riley's head snapped up, eyes locked on Bella. She didn't flinch as she stared him down, murder in her eyes and blood dripping down the length of her arm into the snow, and from the sharp rock clenched in her other fist. That girl was full of surprises. It wasn't just talk after all. There was another metallic screech and Victoria screamed. Edward must have managed to land a hit.

As Riley stalked towards Bella, the colors bled from the world once more. This time my hallucination seemed to pulse in and out, sepia, color, and back again with each labored thud of my heart. Maybe it was different this time because I was hurting, or because I was starved for air. But whatever the reason, I could see through the blackout, making out some details through the haze. They were only outlines, meaningless at first, but soon they took on recognizable, shimmering shapes. I could see the trees. I could see the mountain and the sky, and I could see Riley and Bella. Riley was moving so slowly it looked as if he were swimming through the sepia color that flooded my mind. Or walking through paper.

I realized then that it wasn't a blackout or a hallucination at all. I was seeing something new, something maybe no one had ever seen before. It was as if the substance of the world had peeled away and I was seeing what was underneath. That's what I'd been seeing all this time: the canvas that everything in the world was drawn on. And somehow, for the first time, I felt the pen in my hand.

I drew a line through Riley, hard and fast, ink racing across the canvas, leaving a gouged line in the page. When the colors of the world returned, his body was severed in two, right along the mark I'd made. The two halves of his body fell, quivering on the ground. Bella stumbled away from his twitching remains, shrieking. Shock echoed through every pack member, including me, as we all tried to make sense of what had just happened.

I heard another metallic screech. Edward screamed again. I pushed my body upwards, muscles screaming from the effort, until I was just high enough to see Edward and Victoria, grappling by the trees. They broke apart and Edward limped away, sobbing and broken. Part of his leg was gone. Victoria tossed it aside, then pursued him without urgency, unthreatened by Edward, and unmoved by his cries for mercy or by the sudden death of her companion. She was enjoying this. The vision flooded up again, and for the first time, I welcomed it, waiting for the world to fade into sepia before drawing one more careful line.

I held on to consciousness just long enough to see Victoria's severed head tumble to the ground before I collapsed again. This time my vision faded, not to sepia, but to darkness.


	30. Until It's Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the response on this story so far! Thank you to everyone for reading, following, giving kudos, and especially for commenting! We're roughly entering the final act (~10 chapters left) where the tone is darker overall. For anyone who's enjoyed the light stuff and slogged through the heavy stuff, I'm sorry to say that most of the rest of the story is more on the heavy side. From here to the end, the story will include physical injuries, depression, violence, death, and loss. In my very biased and completely one-sided opinion, I think the ending is worth it, but it's definitely not worth taking a hit to your mental health to get there. So if you need to stop here, I'll just say thank you and I appreciate you for making it this far! Sometimes people ask me why I like dark stories, and for me, it's not because I like sadness, but because light shines brighter out of darkness.

The next thing I remember was drowning. I coughed, a horrible labored sound that set my right side on fire. Pain was everything. I'd passed out from pain and somehow woken up from it. How was that possible?

I heard Jared crying. I was assaulted by a putrid smell from a bonfire crackling nearby. It didn't make sense at first, until I pinpointed the scent and realized that a vampire was burning. The scent almost muted the taste of my own blood. I heard Bella weeping and Edward's soft voice, not far away. They were alive. We won. If this is what victory felt like, I never wanted to feel failure. Jared's cries were so loud. I opened my mouth to ask him to stop but only a soft whine came out. He fell silent.

"Kim?" He gasped. "Kim? Can you hear me?"

_Yes._ I whined again.

I felt the other's relief. My pack. I panicked when I couldn't find Jared, but then I remembered he was human and right in front of me.

_Kim, can you hear me?_ It was Sam.

_I can't-_ I tried to take a breath but the pain of doing so was blinding. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't. I couldn't move. My shoulder was in agony. I wasn't getting enough air. I panicked, whining again, and more blood bubbled in my mouth. _I'm drowning!_

"Kim it's going to be ok," Jared said, but I could hear the tears in his voice. "Help is coming. It's going to be ok."

_We're coming._ I felt the others, running towards me. I tried to focus on them, to hold them in my mind, but they slipped away one by one.

"We have to see if we can get her to change back," I heard Carlisle say. It sounded like he was under water. "I'm not familiar with... veterinary medicine."

"It's difficult to do when in pain," Sam said.

"Kim?" Jared asked. "Kim?"

I felt cold, which felt strange. I hadn't felt cold since before I'd first phased months ago.

"Do you think she'll fit on the backboard as is?"

"Yeah, she's small enough."

My head rolled as I was lifted. I don't remember being set down again.

I was in a bed. There was a pillow under my head. It was freezing.

"Why is she shaking?" Jared asked. "Our kind don't get cold."

"Probably a response to the injuries."

"O2 is dropping."

_It's cold,_ I whimpered. I tried to breathe again, but even the shallowest breaths were painful. I held my breath until I felt dizzy.

_I'll tell them,_ Seth thought. He'd stayed in wolf form to talk to me. Embry was there too.

_Thank you._

"It won't hurt so much soon," Jared said.

_The fuck does he mean by that?!_ I asked, panicked.

_They're going to put you under._

I felt the bite of a needle. Seth tried to tell me something else but his thoughts sounded slurred and then slowly trailed into nothing.

Later, a new pain seared in my shoulder. I screamed but it sounded like whistling. I reached up with my good arm, but something pinned me down before I could. I tried to kick but my legs barely moved.

"Stop!" Jared shouted. I tried to kick again. I looked for Seth and Embry but I couldn't find them. I panicked, but realized that it was because I was human again.

"I'm so sorry!" Carlisle cried. I tried to kick him, but I was exhausted. The effort of just those few seconds caused dark spots to bloom in my vision and expand to the point where I could no longer see anything. I was gone again. The cold came back before the pain.

"The heat's up all the way," a muffled, female voice called from far away.

"I don't understand," Carlisle said. I flinched at an icy touch on my forehead. "She's burning off the sedatives, but her body temperature keeps dropping. She's not getting enough air."

"Why isn't she healing?" Jared asked. It sounded like he was in pain too.

"I don't know."

"Should I get in the bed with her?" Jared asked, his voice now as numb as I felt.

"Yes," Carlisle said. "But be very careful. Stay on her good side."

I felt Jared beside me. I realized I'd been shaking, but he was warm.

"O2 is still dropping."

"Should we try the respirator?"

"It's risky, we can't keep her under."

"She's at 82 percent."

"Get the respirator. We'll up the dose."

Darkness.

When I opened my eyes I was in a stark white room. I smelled metal and vampires. I reached up and realized there was plastic tubing looped under my nose, feeding me air so that the minuscule breaths I could manage could sustain me. My bad shoulder ached under wraps and braces. Jared was asleep on my good side. There were blankets piled on top of us.

"Jared?" I croaked.

He woke up immediately. "Kim?" He sat up carefully. "Kim!" I could almost feel the relief in his voice.

"I'm ok," I mumbled.

He nodded and brushed my hair away from my face, nodding. "You're ok."

"How long... was I out?"

"Eight days."

"What!?" It was weird that my voice sounded so quiet.

"They had to put you on a ventilator."

"For eight days?"

"Yeah."

"What? What happened? What did you tell my mom?" Even those few short sentences had me winded. I had to pause every few words to breathe. I tried to breathe deeper, but my chest throbbed from the effort. The pain was bad enough that I chose to deal with the dark spots blooming in my vision instead.

Jared noticed my distress. "Sh. It's ok. Everything's ok."

"Where are we?"

"The Cullen's house." I looked around the white room in disbelief. I thought it would have smelled worse.

"How?" I asked. Jared kept petting my hair, trying to calm me down. "How much... of that was real?"

"It's ok. You're safe now."

"Did I… slice two vampires in half… with my brain?" It sounded like a question. "Or did I... dream that?"

"No, we all saw that." His eyes were wary.

Some more details flooded back. I cringed as I remembered the blows Riley had dealt. I guess that explained why I couldn't breathe. "Nobody else… got hurt?"

"Nobody," Jared promised. I sighed even though it hurt.

"Is my mom here?" I asked.

"No, but someone can get her now that you're awake."

"I don't know if she should… see me like this."

"We told her you were in an accident," Jared said. I raised my eyebrows in the effort to keep some of this conversation nonverbal. "The story is, you stopped at a rest stop on the way back from your shopping trip. Bella and the vamp stayed in the car, and you got hit by a truck while walking across the street. The driver didn't stop. Hit and run."

I frowned. "Why didn't… we just wait?"

"Wait for what?"

"Until I'm better?"

Jared fidgeted. "We uh… we don't know how long that will be."

"I'm not healing?"

"You are," Jared said, though even he seemed unconvinced. "It's just… slower." I tried to focus on my breathing. Talking was tiring. Jared swallowed and for the first time I heard fear in his voice. "You were so cold we were worried that you might have gotten bit."

I shuddered, then winced when the movement twinged my shoulder. How twisted would it be if _I_ became a vampire? This whole time we were worried about Bella. Someone knocked on the door. Jared said to come in. It was Carlisle and Edward. I looked at Edward.

"Your arm... grew back?" I asked, stupidly.

"They can be reattached," he said.

I shuddered again. "Ew. Spooky." I looked at Carlisle next. I had so many questions but I couldn't seem to find the words. He seemed to understand.

"You've sustained quite a few injuries," he said. "The most severe is something called a flail chest. It happens from blunt force trauma, when enough ribs are broken that the lung can no longer expand. Additionally, that lung was punctured. We drained the lung, but you were unable to breathe, so we placed you on a ventilator, which required you to be placed in a medically induced coma. While you were unconscious, I performed surgery on your shoulder. The damage was...extensive but with time and physical therapy you should regain some level of mobility." I frowned at his vague words, but he didn't pause. "I did not perform any surgery on your lung. We may need to wait and see, but I'm optimistic since you are able to breathe without the help of a ventilator." I frowned again and pulled the tubing out of my nose. "Oh no, no you need that. That's not a ventilator, that's just oxygen." I put the tubing back. I felt the difference even in those few seconds.

"How long? Until I'm better?"

"For a human my best estimate would be six to eight weeks for the lungs, six to twelve for the shoulder. For you," Carlisle ran a hand through his hair. "We aren't sure why, but you don't seem to be healing at the uh, werewolf rate."

"Why is that?"

"We don't know." I frowned. I didn't like that answer. "All I can do is make recommendations based on my observations. Right now, you need rest and oxygen. Once your chest injury begins to heal, I can make recommendations on physical therapy for your shoulder."

I didn't really understand him. I heard the words but they didn't assign themselves any meaning. I was preoccupied by how cold the injured half of me felt and wondering if the other half was only warm because it was next to Jared.

"Kim?" Carlisle asked. "Kim? Does that sound like an appropriate plan to you?"

Again, I couldn't find the words. I don't remember what happened next. My mom appeared, cried, drove me home. Jared helped me to the car and carried the oxygen tank. I tried not to meet his eyes. I didn't want to worry him more than he already was. On the way home, mom drove slow and ranted about how they wouldn't let her see me sooner. She'd been worried sick. I responded with one word at a time. Even sitting upright was tiring.

Once we got home, mom opened the door for me. I told her I was tired and wanted to lie down. We went for the stairs. She carried the oxygen tank. I only made it a few steps up before I was too winded to continue. The darkness clouded my vision. My foot caught and the stairs rushed towards my face. Mom screamed.

I must have blacked out. Mom must have called Jared. He was there when I woke up, sitting in my desk chair. Carlisle came back. I was reexamined, given a wheelchair and new instructions: no more walking.

"Not possible," I wheezed. What did he expect me to do? We didn't have an elevator. The kitchen was downstairs and my bedroom and the only bathroom in the house were upstairs.

"You need to rest," Carlisle said.

"We'll make it work," mom said.

"I can carry you up and down the stairs," Jared said.

I started to cry, pitiful wheezing sounds between shallow breaths.

Weeks passed and I didn't feel anything resembling recovery. My shoulder ached constantly. Breathing was painful and difficult. Jess, Lauren, and Angela came to visit. Bella did not. I was happy to see them the first few times, but soon their energy, their vitality,just became a reminder of everything I used to have. They were bubbly. Whole. It took me so long to even contribute words. They waited, patiently for me to speak each time I tried, until even I became frustrated with how long it took me to get a sentence out. I stopped responding to texts. Eventually they stopped sending them.

Then I got pneumonia. My condition deteriorated so much that I had to be rushed back to the Cullen's crypt and put back on a ventilator. Then I was awake and back on oxygen. Jared was around constantly. Doting and fussing. Carlisle regularly delivered pain meds and oxygen tanks. I was never hungry anymore. I couldn't sleep for more than an hour or two. I had nightmares. I thought I would have nightmares about the fight, but almost every night I dreamed of drowning and woke up gasping for air.

At first I was in denial. Mom and Jared separately grilled Carlisle about my recovery. I said I didn't want to know. I viewed all of the pain as temporary. I couldn't afford to think otherwise. That changed when mom reached out to Columbia.

"Just one more year Kim. This... changes things. We'll have to think things through. We just don't have the resources to send you out there alone. You still need support. And I think with everything that's happened you need to focus on your physical therapy." I picked at some dirt under my nails, which along with my lips seemed permanently tinged with an almost purple hue. How long had it been there? Since the fight? "Kim please say something."

"Fine, mom," I said. I tried to tune out her words. I was dizzy. I was often dizzy now, but this time was the first time I thought it might be from panic.

"It _will_ happen. We're just deferring for a year. I already talked to the folks at admissions. They were very understanding."

"Ok."

"Kim please talk to me."

"I said it's fine."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No," I lied. She studied my face but then the doorbell rang, sparing me.

"That must be Doctor Cullen." I'd forgotten he was coming. She left. I pulled out my phone and checked my email. There were hundreds of unread messages, but the most recent was a message from Columbia. The subject line was 'Deferment Confirmed - _We are so saddened to hear about your accident and hope that you will be in good enough health to join us in the class of 2025_ -'

My vision blurred before I could read anymore. I looked at my hands. It was so strange that they didn't shake now, even when I was this mad. A week ago I wouldn't have been able to contain myself, but now I couldn't phase even when I tried. It was the cold. Anger used to heat me. Not anymore. Not that it really mattered. What I really wanted, what I _needed,_ was to run, but that was hard to imagine when I felt short of breath even while lying down.

Carlisle walked in. Edward and Alice were with him today. It was so surreal seeing them standing in my mom's house. I tried to keep my face neutral as she accepted the pain meds and thanked them profusely. As Alice tearfully said that she felt responsible. If only she'd parked in front of the convenience store instead of on the other side of the street? My mom told her that it wasn't her fault.

There were times, fleeting moments mostly, when I wished I had caved and taken Sam up on his offer to tell my mom everything. This was one of those times. If she knew what had really happened she wouldn't have to feel so uncomfortable with their generosity. She wouldn't have viewed Carlisle's actions as charity if he had said, _thank you for saving my son and future daughter-in-law from certain death._ Instead we had to let her think I was flattened on the highway for not looking both ways before crossing, like some poor, stupid chipmunk.

"Can Kim and I go talk?" Alice asked.

"Of course," mom said, her eyes wide. Alice pushed my wheelchair into the living room while Carlisle chatted with my mom in the hall. Edward followed us. I wondered what they wanted to talk about, why they were here now, and why they hadn't come before, and then I realized that maybe they wanted to pick a day that Jared wasn't here. They locked eyes, expressions solemn.

"Kim," Edward said. "I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. I can't tell you how terribly I feel."

Alice nodded. "I should have seen it coming. You shouldn't have been put in danger. I'm so sorry. I thought you'd be safe."

"I want to thank you," Edward said. "I owe you my life. I do. And Bella…" he trailed off. It wasn't often that vampires found themselves at a loss for words. Their minds worked so quickly, but even Edward had to pause now. "I owe you more than my life. Much more."

I looked back and forth between them, numb. They both looked so intense, but it seemed everything I felt was muted, like every feeling had to be pushed through a layer of wet cotton that constantly weighed on me.

"You're welcome," I said. "How is she?"

Edward flinched, but again the movement was so minute I wasn't sure if I had imagined it. "Bella will be ok," Edward said. "She was very shaken by the events but she is recovering."

"I imagine watching Victoria… rip your arm and leg off would be… pretty traumatizing for her."

He nodded, a dry smile flashing on his face. It looked as though the smile was meant to mask pain, though whether it was the memory of losing limbs or something else I did not know. Then he looked serious again. "I want you to know that Carlisle hasn't given up. He is dedicating most of his free time to research, looking into potential procedures and therapies that might help your recovery." I looked at him, confused. I'd thought it was just a matter of time, but Edward's words cut through. He knew something I didn't. So did my mom. I wasn't getting better. Normally, my breathing would have sped, but now I just felt dizzier.

"I didn't mean to imply that," he said, shaking his head. "Obviously, there is still time. It may be too soon to tell." The lie fell flat. I would have thought lying would be a skill he'd picked up in the last hundred years. Edward took a deep breath. "If there is anything else you need," Edward said, "anything at all. All you need to do is ask."

I continued to stare. He knew what I needed, and apparently it was nothing within his ability to give. I needed a way out of this nightmare. I needed to run. Carlisle was the doctor. What more could Edward possibly offer? Did he have a way to turn back time?

I saw a flicker across Edward's face, gone so fast I wondered if I'd imagined it. He and Alice looked at one another, then back at me. "There are ways," Edward said softly. "Outside of the realm of medicine." I blinked, confused. "Some of our injuries were extensive too...before."

My mouth fell open as I pieced it together. Then my shock gave way to anger. "Are you offering… to bite me, Edward?"

"I told you," Alice muttered. I gawked at them.

He shook his head. "I realize now that you object to the idea. Please don't be offended. But I wanted to offer, because naturally you hadn't considered it, and we had promised-and this promise still stands-that we will do anything within our power to help, in any way you see fit."

"I thought that venom… was poison to… my kind." I saw another flash in Edward's eyes. "What?"

"To werewolves, it is." He glanced at Alice, who glared at him. "Have you noticed anything different about the way you feel?" I glared at him. What a dumb question. "What I mean is, you smell different. You smell… human again."

I wanted to deny it. I'd _been_ denying it, but it was always there. In the chills I hadn't felt in so long. In my absent appetite. In the smells I could no longer detect. Even the Cullen's smell didn't turn my stomach anymore. I shook my head. "But if I… was human… then Alice could see… my future…" I trailed off, trying to read Alice and Edward's expressions. "Can you?" My voice was small. "What happens… to me?" Alice shook her head. "Tell me." My throat tightened and my head throbbed from the increasing loss of air. "When do I… do I… get better? Tell me!"

"I can't see much," she said. "Because I can't see Jared."

"But what… can you see?"

Alice looked stricken. I felt a flare of cold anger at her pity. "You don't get better," Edward said. "You stay sick. She can see the paths where you and Jared don't stay together. You don't get better on your own. I'm sorry."

"We don't… stay together?" I tried and failed to keep the despair out of my voice.

"Not necessarily," Alice said, almost too quickly. "There are probably many paths where you stay with Jared, I just can't see any of those. Only the ones where you are… apart."

Edward nodded. "There are paths that Alice can see where you join our family. Jared isn't a part of those paths, as you can probably imagine, but you would be healthy again. Whole." My mouth fell open and my heart stuttered. "You saved my life. You saved Bella's life. We would be happy to have you as a sister, Kim."

I glared at him for a long moment. It felt almost surreal that I didn't start shaking. How could he think I could be _whole_ without Jared in my life. Did he know what we were to each other? Some mind reader he was. "No thank you." How I managed to get the words out through my teeth was a mystery even to me.

"I understand," he said. "Just let us know if you change your mind."

I was still staring at Edward and Alice when Carlisle walked into the room with mom, who was studying the labels on a new set of pill bottles. "How are you feeling Kim?" Carlisle asked.

"Fine," I said. Then I thought about it for a moment. "Actually… can we talk?"

"Certainly," he said. I wanted to talk to him alone, but mom wasn't taking the hint. Thankfully Edward did.

"Come on, Alice," Edward said. "Let's wait in the other room so they can have some privacy." He turned to my mom. "Should we wait in the kitchen?"

They left. Carlisle took Alice's place on the sofa, his eyes pinched with concern. I watched him for a moment then looked at my hands instead.

"Do lung injuries… affect the brain?" I asked.

"They can, if you aren't getting enough air. Should I check your O2 levels?" I let him put the little sensor on my finger. "It's low, but not lower than any of your previous readings. Is there something specific you noticed that concerned you?"

"I-" I swallowed, reluctant to put my fears into words, as if that would make them more real. "I don't feel things... the same way... I mean everything hurts... and I don't really feel hungry anymore... which maybe makes sense... because I'm not running anymore... and apparently I'm human again... but it's more than that... it's like I can't really taste anything… and I can't phase... not that I've been trying to or anything... because there would be no point… but I don't even get angry the same way... or happy... I mean no surprise there... not much to be happy about… but it's like I can't work up the energy to feel anything… like I feel sad sometimes... but not as sad as I think I should... like I can't even work up the energy to cry… it's not just that though, I'm… forgetting things... I can't focus on anything... even when people are talking to me... I forget things like what day it is... or where I'm supposed to be... everything... I don't know... I was just wondering... if a lung injury could… cause something like that."

I stared at him, struggling to catch my breath and knowing I probably never would. Carlisle didn't say anything until he was sure I was done speaking. He just nodded every time I paused for each labored, desperate gasp for air. "You may want a second opinion on this as my focus has been on internal medicine, but I have some experience with clinical psychiatry, and to me, what you are describing sounds like depression."

We stared at each other as I struggled to gather enough air for a response. In the end, all I could manage was, "oh."


	31. Slash and Burn

I watched the dappled light above me. It took me a moment to realize that it was sunlight filtered through waves, and another moment to realize that I was drowning. Panic set in fast. I couldn't breathe. Then I felt the hands around my neck, pinning me under the water. I thought it was Riley but I realized it might have been Eli. They looked so similar, I could never be sure.

I fought for air and clenched my eyes shut, but when I opened them I was in a dark room, groggy and confused. Soft grey predawn light filtered through my window, not through water. My fingers probed my neck, but there were no hands there. Jared snored softly beside me. At first I was surprised to see him there, but then I remembered my mom was out of town for the night, so he'd offered to stay over. We'd talked about it. Mom thanked him for offering and called him a life saver. Everything was different now. Gone were the days when she would drop subtle hints that he wasn't good enough for me. I'd been perfect in her eyes after all, but Jared was a saint to her now. Now, she would openly acknowledge that _I_ was lucky to have _him_.

I sweated profusely next to Jared, overheating and damp all over, as if I really had been underwater. I carefully rolled the blankets off, trying not to wake him. Even the sheets were soaked. How had I sweat this much? Then, over the smell of air trapped in metal, I smelled something else. Oh no. My heart pounded from mortification as my fingers probed the sheets beneath me. I'd wet the bed.

I was too panicked to think about how it had happened. My vision clouded as my heart sped and my body craved more air that I could take in. I'd never wet the bed before. Jared continued snoring next to me, unaware and unalarmed. How could I clean it without waking him?

I eyed my wheelchair, just steps from the bed. Maybe if I could get in the chair and get the oxygen tank in my lap? I sat up and slid out of the bed, but when I tried to lift the tank I got so dizzy that I fell. I gasped when I hit the floor.

"Kim?" Jared asked. He sat up. "Oh my god, Kim!"

"No... don't get up!" I wheezed as I tried to push myself up and my hand skidded on the hardwood. Blood dripped from my chin. "Don't get up."

"Did you fall out of the bed? Were you trying to get up?" He asked. "Why didn't you wake me?" He put a hand on the mattress and then picked it up again, eyes widening. He looked at his hand cringing.

I started to cry. "I'm sorry... I wet the bed... I'm sorry." My voice was broken with sobs.

"It's ok. It's ok." He came over, picked me up, and set me in the chair. "I'll clean it up, you can shower."

"N-no, let me-"

"Jesus, Kim." He picked me up, put me in the wheelchair, and pushed me into the bathroom, ignoring my stuttered protests the whole way. He picked me up and set me in the plastic chair mom had set in the shower after I fainted trying to shower standing. "Just shout if you need help." He sounded tired. He walked out and shut the door. I turned the water on before I even took my clothes off so he wouldn't be able to hear me cry anymore.

An hour later, after I'd showered and Jared had stripped the bed and cleaned up, he set me up in the kitchen and put cereal in front of me. I didn't move. My throat was tight. I was frozen.

"Jesus, Kim," he said, watching me. He rubbed his head with his hands. "It's not a big deal." I bit my lip as tears started to well up. "Ugh, come _on_." I hid my face in my hands. I didn't want to look at him. "Kim?" He started tugging at my hands. I tugged back. "It's seriously not a big deal! We can just pretend you were drunk or something, if you want."

I lowered my hands, as confusion intruded on misery. "What?"

"Remember that time Embry got so trashed he pissed the bed? We would all probably still be making fun of him for it if you hadn't told us to stop."

I did remember that.

"What'd you say to him again?" Jared asked. "Drunk piss doesn't count?"

In spite of how mortified I still was, I smiled, remembering. "Because drunk piss… is basically Keystone Light… so it's not wetting the bed… it's just spilling your beer."

Jared shook his head, grinning. "You're so wise, Kim." He looked at me. "Come to think of it, we did get pretty rowdy last night. I distinctly remember trying to cut you off after your tenth beer, but _no,_ you had to finish that second six pack."

I might have even laughed if I could spare the air. We actually played checkers last night. We'd tried chess, but neither of us could remember how all of the pieces move. "Yeah those last two… really pushed me over."

"I really thought you'd be fine given you're such a heavyweight," he said, shaking his head in mock disappointment. I smiled. He pushed the cereal box closer, raising an eyebrow. "Maybe some cornflakes for that hangover?" I took the box from him and poured myself a bowl. "What do you want to do today?" Jared asked. I shrugged, shoveling cereal I wasn't hungry for into my mouth. Jared looked outside. "It's supposed to be sunny today. We should go to the beach."

I snorted, but he didn't laugh. "Oh… you're serious?"

"Yeah why not? We can park off Lowell street. That's pretty close to our tree."

Our tree. I shook my head. "You don't have to… do that for me."

"I want to."

We went. We left the wheelchair in the car. He just carried me and the tank, flaunting his excellent lung capacity. Show off. He was right though, it wasn't far. He set me down on our fallen tree. He sat next to me, holding my hand. We watched the water. The sun felt nice, but there were dark clouds on the horizon.

"Looks like a storms going to roll in," Jared said. He frowned. "I thought it was supposed to be sunny today."

I just shrugged. "Can't control storms."

We watched the brewing sky for a while.

"So, the Cullens came over recently?"

It took me a minute. "Oh yeah… Carlisle's been… in and out… but Edward and Alice stopped by… last time too."

"Huh," Jared said. "Did you uh, really forget that?"

Jared was a little too observant. "Yeah."

"You've uh-you've had some trouble remembering things haven't you?"

"Yeah." I sighed. "Carlisle said that's a symptom… of depression... I didn't know that before."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He said that's probably… why I'm never hungry anymore too… but that could also be because… I've cut down my daily run… by about a hundred miles." I absentmindedly scratched at my chin and my finger came away bloody. Shit. Forgot I'd cut myself there.

"Did he say anything else?"

"Not really… he said I should… talk to someone else… like a shrink… he's not confident in his diagnostic ability… because he only did psychiatry school once… instead of med school… eight times… or something ridiculous." I rolled my eyes.

Jared shrugged. "Probably not a bad idea."

"I'll take his word for it."

"I meant-wouldn't the shrink be able to do more than just tell you that you have it?"

I rolled my eyes. "Shrinks are... _expensive…_ and what difference would it make?" Jared was quiet for a while after that.

"What about the other two?" Jared asked. "Why were they over?"

"I think they were waiting… for when you wouldn't… be there."

"Why's that?"

I paused, collecting my thoughts and catching my breath. "Edward said… he owed me his life," I snorted. "No wait… he said more than his life… because of Bella. He also said... Carlisle was doing research… in his free time… on lung injuries… and procedures and stuff."

"Did he find something?" My heart sank at the rising hope in Jared's voice.

"I think Carlisle… would've told me himself… if he was feeling optimistic."

Jared sighed. "I mean, that's better than nothing right? If he's still trying?"

"I thought so too... until Edward… made his offer."

"Offer?"

"Yeah… a more guaranteed way… to fix me," I said, rolling my eyes. "A permanent fix." I glanced at Jared, but he looked confused, so I clarified. "He offered to… make me one of them." Jared started to shake. One minute he was perfectly still, then even his skin was vibrating. "I know right?"

"What did you say?" he asked, still shaking.

"I said _no,_ Jared." I looked at him. "Jesus... are you ok?"

He shook his head, shaking finally slowing. "What the fuck."

"I know, I was shocked. I guess now he's made that offer… to every girl… he's ever spoken with." Jared stared at me, mouth open. "I mean it'd be nice… to run again," I admitted. "But it would be super awkward… for the pack… if you all had to take out a former member... I'm sure that would be a first… I just can't stop...making history, can I?"

"Don't joke."

"Seriously, I think Bella and I… are the only girls... Edward has ever spoken to... he _did_ offer to make me a vampire… with a straight face… and I did tell him to fuck off."

"Don't even joke about it." It sounded like he was choking. He put his head in his hands. "It-it would be like you died. I can't imagine that."

I laughed. It sounded nothing like my normal laugh. It was a sharp hysterical sound, starved as it was for air. "Oh like you wouldn't... be better off… if I had."

"What did you say?"

"I said you'd be better off… if I was dead… or gone."

"Don't-don't say that."

"Look at me," I said, my voice suddenly hoarse. "I know you love me… but think about it... I mean really think... I can't do anything… anymore… except piss the bed."

"Stop talking."

"I know we've been focused… on finding miracle cures... for me… but as a backup… you might want to start… looking for a cure for imprinting."

"What?" Jared's voice was soft but so full of cold anger and pain I almost backed down. But I didn't.

"You heard me."

"Do you want me to leave?" He sounded as starved for air as I was.

"I wish you... had a choice," I said. "Everyone is acting like… my life is going to be shit... no matter what... I wish I didn't have to... drag you down with me. I wish you didn't have to be... around to watch."

I stared him down, but he wouldn't look at me. His lips and eyes pressed into narrow lines. Then he stood up and then picked me up.

"What are you doing?"

Lightning struck, far out over the water. I flinched, but Jared didn't seem to notice. "We're leaving."

I said nothing as he carried me to the car. He wasn't rough about it but I could see the tension in his jaw and the vein standing out on his forehead. Neither of us spoke during the drive home. He left me in the living room and disappeared to make my bed. Then he carried me upstairs and left me in the bed when he went to get the wheelchair.

"You don't... have to stay," I told him when he got back upstairs. He set the wheelchair down by the door.

"Your mom's not going to be home until tonight."

"I meant you don't have to stay… with me… I know how you feel... but I meant what I said… you'd be better off if I'd died." He glared at me. "Look at me… don't act like this... is what you want."

"Of course this isn't what I _want._ " His voice broke. He was silent, and when I lifted my head to look at him, there were tears on his face which was contorted with anger. "I wanted you to _run_ , Kim," he said, slowly and deliberately. His hands started to shake. "I _begged_ you to run. I begged you to save yourself. And you _wouldn't._ Not for yourself and definitely not for me."

"We're supposed... to protect people." I wanted to speak normally but my voice was small, muted by the usual lack of air and a new tightness in my throat. "That's why we... have powers."

Jared shook his head. He was shaking violently now. "You never had the _ability_ to protect anyone and you knew it. You decided you'd rather die for the Cullens than stay alive for me. I hope it was worth it."

He turned and left. I didn't hear him on the stairs, but I heard the front door slam.

I lay on the bed, shocked at his words. At first I felt too numb to cry, but soon I was seething. How dare he blame me for this? I didn't _ask_ for this. I lay still, fuming, silently rehearsing exactly what I would say to him when he came back.

Only he didn't come back. I watched as the sky grew darker and darker outside, static to thunder to pounding rain. The novelty of rehearsing witty comebacks was wearing off, leaving me thoroughly miserable, trapped with my own bitter thoughts. I wasn't sure where my phone was. My computer and all of my books were out of reach. I needed water. There was a bad taste in my dry mouth that was getting harder and harder to ignore. I needed to pee.

I couldn't believe Jared had just left me here. I'd basically given him permission to leave, dared him to leave even, but I didn't expect him to take me up on it. Not now. I mean, I knew we were fighting and he was upset, but how could he just leave me here alone and not come back? Tears finally welled in my eyes and raced down my temples. Was he punishing me? Was this his way of reminding me of how fully dependent on him I was? As if it wasn't obvious enough. I felt my face crumple and my lungs throb from a new tightness in my chest. I knew I had pushed him. I knew I shouldn't have said those things, but I also knew that if our situations were reversed, _I_ could never have left him, trapped in his bed and body, alone. I would never want him to feel this way, no matter what he'd said to me.

I stared at my wheelchair as it taunted me from the other side of the room. I wouldn't be able to get the tank over there, but if I could make it to the chair…

I sat up, letting the dark spots swim across my vision until they disappeared again. Then I unhooked the tubing and stood up. The dark spots swam back into my vision as I walked across the room, but I ignored them even when they blinded me fully. I took tottering, cautious steps toward where the chair was, arm extended. I'm not sure where I went wrong, but between the blindspots and the growing numbness in my hands and feet, I fell. This time I landed on my bad shoulder. I screamed, a high, whistling sound as I rolled onto my back and clapped my hand over my ruined shoulder. The pain was blinding. Thunder boomed outside. The house rattled. I shook from head to toe.

It felt surreal to phase now. I'd really thought I'd lost the ability. Even Edward had said I didn't smell anymore. But I felt the heat expand within me, overflowing, just like before. Blood poured from my shoulder, staining my white fur red. I watched it, shocked and confused, until I saw what was protruding through my skin. It was one of the metal plates Carlisle had put in to fuse my bones. It had broken loose as I phased and my bones changed shape. It didn't hurt as much as I expected, as if the physical pain were eclipsed by something far greater.

_Kim?_ I felt the shock of Jared and the others at seeing me here. They were running north, following some unexpected vampire trail, tying up some remaining loose ends from the battle that I'd never even been told about. Of course not. I had nothing to offer the pack now.

Quil involuntarily recalled the mental conversation he and Jared had a few hours ago when he first phased in, right after Jared shared all the miserable and embarrassing details from our morning. Even though I knew there was no hiding anything from the pack, I was still mortified. And it hurt to see it all from his perspective. I wasn't imagining it. I wasn't being paranoid. Jared had been pushed far past his limits. He was fed up.

_Want me to take over for a bit?_ Quil had offered.

_Don't bother,_ Jared had thought, exasperated. _She'll be fine alone until her mom gets back._

_You sure?_ Quil had asked. _I really don't mind_.

_I'm sure,_ Jared had thought, bitterly. _Trust me, you do_ not _want to go over there now. She's being such a bitch._

I froze, completely deflated by even the memory of his thoughts and the venom behind them. For the last several weeks my greatest fear was that he would start to see me as a burden. That our relationship would degrade from love and love, to dependence and bitter obligation. That was the only reason part of me wanted him to leave. So that we could hold onto some pure memories before they all became tainted. I hadn't realized until now that it was already too late.

_No,_ Jared thought. I could feel his remorse, but that almost made it worse. _Kim, I-I didn't mean it._

_Don't lie._ I tried to stand, but my legs were too weak.

_I'm coming back, just sit tight._ He turned and ran south. I felt his pity, and the pity of everyone in the pack. Maybe that was what pushed me over. Or maybe I'd been over the edge for a while now.

It was here, in this blinding hate that I thought about that thrumming sound and blinding sepia that had pursued me for so long. I thought it controlled me. Until the battle on the mountaintop, I'd never considered that I could control it. And until now, I'd never considered that I could pull up the canvas at will. Now, when reality was falling apart, I saw the edges of it, peeking out from under everything else the world held. I grabbed the edges with my mind and shook, clearing the world and focusing on what was underneath. It was clearer than it had been before, resembling nothing like a terrifying blackout now. I could see both the sepia and the color, hear the thrumming of the power of the canvas and the thoughts of the pack. It was a duality. A perfect overlay. And all of it was in my reach. I wasn't scared of it anymore.

The first line I drew was through that fucking wheelchair. I savored the satisfying snap of metal and leather and the hiss as the air rushed from the tires and the soft gasps of the pack as they watched through my eyes.

_Kim stop!_ Jared pleaded. I drew line after line until the chair was reduced to a pile of metal, leather, and rubber scraps. I turned on my room next. I shredded the dresser and everything in it. Scraps of wood and fabric floated in the air and scattered across the floor. I turned on my desk, my bed, and eventually the walls themselves. Pieces of posters, plaster, and photos rained down. Photos of me, my mom, Quil, my friends, and Jared reduced to rubble and confetti. I shattered the windows.

I felt the shared pity of the pack morph into raw fear as they watched. I liked it. I knew they could feel the satisfaction I'd felt at terrifying them with my undeniable power, and I didn't care. I eyed my oxygen tank.

_No Kim!_ The panic in Jared's thoughts was palpable. Sam, Quil, and Leah were all running south with him. I might need the tank. I cut it anyway. It cracked open with a concussive sound, but not with a fiery explosion as some of the pack feared. I pulled myself to my feet, to stand on my three usable limbs, ignoring the dark spots in my vision, and the blood pouring from my shoulder, and my muscles as they screamed for air. I cut through the wall, through to the outside. It was clearer than I thought, the rain reduced to a dull drizzle. The only storm was inside me now. I staggered towards the gaping hole I'd cut in the side of the house.

_Kim stop!_ Sam barked. I didn't pause, though I let myself feel the slightest glimmer of amusement that after all this time, Sam still thought he could tell me what to do. I fell through the hole.

I landed on three paws, but I was moving fast enough that I collapsed. Again, I was blinded by pain at the new impact on my shoulder and chest. I lay there, gasping for air that wouldn't come for a solid minute before I gritted my teeth, lifted my head with enormous effort, and began drawing lines through the forest.

The trees fell haphazardly, filling the air with shrieks of snapping wood. One tree fell directly onto the house, the lower branches narrowly missing my broken body. I felt flashes of panic from the pack, and I laughed humorlessly at them. I didn't care if I was crushed or not.

Minutes later I was shaking and wheezing. I felt cold, skin down to bone. I hadn't stopped because my anger had subsided, it was still just as present, muted only by exhaustion and pain. I may have broken another rib in that fall. I only stopped because I couldn't think of anything else to cut.

I looked at the ruined forest in front of me, still fighting for air. No one would deny that I had power, but that brought me no satisfaction now. It shouldn't have surprised me that I had an extraordinary ability to destroy things. It was putting things back together again that I struggled with. My rage melted to despair.

I stared out over the wreckage. Furniture and trees, victims of my rage. Why couldn't I fix anything? Even just one small thing?

I watched a leaf, drifting downward in a delayed reaction to my violence. It spiraled through the air, across the canvas. I willed it upward, not drawing lines, just gently coaxing, little smudges through sepia, unwinding the movements like clockwork, reversing its path. It was tricky at first, but then I felt myself falling into a bit of a trance. I didn't fight it. I let my mind tumble.

It felt almost like running again, the elation I felt when the leaf actually moved upward as I willed it to. Once it was in place, I focused on the connection between the stem and branch. I fell into a trance filled with a detailed recipe, a complex choreography that I'd somehow memorized even though I'd never seen it before. I drew lines, so numerous, so detailed and delicate that I surprised even myself. When I finished, the leaf clung resolutely to its branch, as if it had never fallen in the first place. My heart stuttered. I was capable of more than damage and pain after all.

I was spent, shaking from cold, but for the first time since the battle, I felt hungry. What else was I capable of? What else could I fix? And what was I willing to lose? I thought of my growing fatigue, the new, spinning lack of focus in my mind. I realized the answer to all of my questions was the same: almost anything. I focused on the grainy, pale surface, looking for clues. Or a door.

_Kim, wait!_ Jared's thoughts were frantic and full of doubt, a sharp contrast to my resolute calm. _Please just wait. I'll be there soon, can we please just talk about this?_ I realized that Jared's fear was different from the others. The rest of the pack was scared of me, but Jared was scared _for_ me. He was worried that I would hurt myself. This almost gave me pause, from guilt if nothing else, but then I thought about the pain, physical and otherwise. About the pity from everyone. About friends avoiding me as if my sadness were a cancer that could infect them. About Edward offering to make me a vampire because surely even death would be better than this. And Jared telling me that this was all my fault.

_Kim-_

There was something there in the canvas, something so tempting about an endless, trancelike dance in sepia tones. Of never thinking, and certainly never feeling. Just moving. Always moving.

_Kim-_

Because today, I'd just found out that Jared was dreading spending his life with me as much as I was dreading living it.

_Kim no-_

And there were worse hurts than physical pain. Greater fears than fear of the unknown. The time for caution was long over. And if the worst were to happen, if this really _was_ a one-way trip, he really would be better off without me.

_Kim please!_

I tuned out his words as I pushed against the real world, brushing the details away, tumbling farther and farther into the canvas. At first I was keenly aware of Jared and the rest of the pack there in my mind, but the deeper I fell, the fainter their thoughts became, until I could no longer hear them at all.


	32. New Tricks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Thank you all for the lovely comments! It makes me feel so special to see people reading and interacting with the story! I'm sorry if the dark tone of this story is getting any of you down. It really isn't my intention to bum anyone out! I actually drafted the story a pretty long time ago and it's hard to reread some parts, but I'm resisting the urge to revise any of the emotions out of the story, even the negative ones. I hope you are all staying positive and testing negative!

**Jared:**

_Kim. Kim. Kim. Kim._ I thought her name on the fall of every step. She did not respond. One moment she was there in my mind, raging like a hurricane. The next she was gone, as if she were treading water and then, in an instant, slipped beneath the surface. Her mind vanished as if she'd phased back, only phasing back required calm. There was no calm in Kim. She was in agony up until the moment her mind vanished. And a lot of that agony was caused by me.

_Don't think like that,_ Sam pressed.

_How am I supposed to think?_ I asked. He didn't answer. I didn't expect him to. There was no answer. _I pushed her to the edge._

_No you didn't,_ Leah thought. _She was in a bad place before you fought._ I knew she meant it. Leah wouldn't lie to spare my feelings. _We all say dumb shit sometimes,_ she thought. _And no one can control what they think._

It still hurt that Kim heard. I thought she would never phase again. The bloodsuckers said she wasn't a werewolf anymore. She was cold all the time. She even smelled different, yet there she was.

I _was_ angry though. I'd been strong for her. I was always there for her. I felt guilty for not knowing just how bad she was, but the anger was undeniable. She _knew_ how I felt. She'd seen it, bullied her way into my mind every chance she got for repeated reassurance. She knew we were a package. That her happiness, grief, and pain were all mine too. And all it took was a few weeks out of my head for her to forget, and to get so stuck in her own that she turned to self-destruction, and didn't even stop to think about who else she would hurt in the fallout. Her second reckoning.

While I stewed in anger, Quil dwelled on Kim's new powers. He replayed how she shredded her room and demolished the forest around her house over and over again in his mind. For the last several weeks, he'd replayed how Kim killed the leeches on the mountain. He searched for that same beige vision, to find out if he could use it like she could. I noticed him searching for the edge of the canvas, and I growled at him.

_Only because we're cousins,_ he thought, defensive. _If it's an Ateara thing I can probably do it too._

_Why would you want to?_ Sam asked.

_What do you mean?_ Quil asked. _Slicing up bloodsuckers without touching them is kind of game changer._ Leah growled, annoyed that Quil was more preoccupied with Kim's powers than finding her. _That's not true!_ _Of course I want to find her!_ Quil worried about the house too, and how they would explain the damage to Kim's mom.

_Tornado? Earthquake?_ Leah offered. _There was a storm._ _It doesn't matter. Find her first, think of a story after. We can say Jared and Kim went to spend the day with Sam and Emily or something._

_That's good,_ Sam thought.

I couldn't focus on their words. Anger gave way to weight. I felt heavy, like I was running through water. Kim was in pain, and she was alone now because of me. I just needed to find her. I would make it up to her then. I could make her understand.

_We'll find her Jared,_ Sam promised. _She just phased back. She'll be right by the house._

I nodded, leaning into his certainty, but Kim wasn't by the house. We blinked at the small building in shock. It wasn't the pile of wreckage we were expecting. It looked exactly the same as it had this morning, not a shingle out of place. The forest looked similarly untouched. All of the trees stood tall and unbothered.

_Was it… actually a hallucination this time?_ Quil asked, even though he didn't believe it.

_No way,_ Leah thought. _It was real. It_ felt _real._ But there wasn't really another explanation, was there?

_Kim! Kim!_ I barked. She would have heard me, and come to the window, only she couldn't, because I'd left her in the bed with her wheelchair on the other side of the room. That's what started this.

_We need to check,_ Sam thought. _She might actually be upstairs._

I nodded and tried to calm down enough to phase back, but I couldn't. My heart pounded as I tried to wrap my head around what I had seen in Kim's mind, minutes ago, and what I was seeing now. Around her suffering, and how in spite of spending most of my time with her, I hadn't seen it.

_I'll go,_ Sam said. He was already calming down. He phased, slipped on the pair of shorts I hid in the bushes earlier, and jogged inside. I stared at the window from outside holding my breath.

_Guys?_ Quil asked. He was deeper in the woods, staring at a smoldering pile of leather, metal, and rubber. Kim's wheelchair.

_How?_ Quil, Leah, and I wondered.

"She's not inside!" Sam called from the doorway. He jogged into the woods to phase again.

Leah swore

My heart pounded. _What's happening?_

_Her scent is all around the uh… chair fire._ Quil thought. _Let's follow it._

Sam phased back. _Her room was empty. It looked untouched. Maybe she did have some kind of vivid hallucination? Her wheelchair was gone though._

Quil pictured the burnt wreckage. _Let's go._ He was getting impatient. He wasn't the only one. Quil set off, following her trail. We all fell in line behind him. Quil kept the pace slow at first. He expected her to be a few dozen yards away and didn't want to step on her, but as the yards wore on, he picked up the pace.

_It doesn't make any sense,_ Leah thought, shaking her head.

_None of it makes sense,_ Sam thought.

_She can't have gone this far,_ Leah thought, picturing Kim crawling through the dense underbrush, trying to understand how she could cover this much ground.

Quil was less certain. _Clearly she's learned some new tricks._ He sped to a run. We all followed.

My nerves got worse and worse as the yards stretched to miles. We were in La Push now, almost to the cliffs. Her trail was clear and fresh but it didn't make any sense. How was she moving this fast? There was no explanation.

The forest thinned, revealing the open sky through the trees. My heart jumped into my throat as I spotted the figure standing at the edge of the cliff, her figure silhouetted against the sky.

_Kim!_ She stood naked, facing the ocean. My breath caught. I sprinted to her, afraid she would jump if I didn't stop her, but she didn't move. I stepped between her and the cliff, ushering her away from the edge. _Kim?_ She couldn't hear my thoughts of course, but it was worse than that. Her expression was completely blank. She glanced at me once, but then looked back out at the ocean, offering no indication as to whether she recognized me or even realized that I was there.

Leah appeared beside us. Sam and Quil held back because she was naked. _What's wrong with her?_ Leah asked.

_I don't know._ My panic polluted every thought.

_Let's bring her back to my place,_ Sam suggested. _We'll figure it out there._ Sam ran off to get a car.

_Like we're ever going to know what happened,_ Quil thought.

Leah nudged Kim, gently backward. She took a backward step. A few more steps.

_Go phase,_ Leah thought. _It'll be faster if you can carry her._

_You can borrow my pants,_ Quil thought.

_Come over,_ Leah thought, then, sensing his discomfort, she snapped, _grow up._

I phased back, pulled on Quil's pants, while Leah, in spite of her blase attitude on nudity, pointedly looked away. I bundled Kim in my arms, but immediately recoiled and almost dropped her. Her skin was ice cold. I frantically put my hand to her clammy forehead to make sure. She pulled away, starting to shiver. I thought back to our disastrous fight on the beach this morning, when she had told me that one of the Cullens had offered to make her like them. I froze.

"What did you do?" I asked. My voice shook, and my body started to shake too. "What did you do?!" Her eyes were blank, looking past me. I don't think she knew she was in my arms, or even that someone was holding her. "What did you do?!" I shook her, I started to sob. I frantically looked over her skin for bites.

Quil whined. I realized I was shaking and fought to push down the fear and anger. I couldn't afford to lose control. I jogged down towards the road. Sam would be here soon. Kim did not react to the movement.

I had gotten used to carrying Kim. I'd been carrying her almost everywhere over the last few weeks. As defeated as I was about what had happened to her, I was prepared to carry her everywhere as long as she needed me. For the rest of our lives even. One thing I noticed that had made my heart ache and swell every time, was that no matter how frustrated or upset she was, she always looped her arms around my neck while I carried her, as if she wanted to hold me too. She didn't today. One arm was draped over her stomach, the other hung limply away from her, flopping with every step I took. It was the same kind of lifeless absence I saw in her eyes-the indication that she either didn't know I was there or didn't care enough to let me know.

Sam pulled up minutes later. By then Kim was shaking violently. Part of me wondered if she would phase, but she was so cold. I held her tight in my arms. I'd asked Leah and Quil, who were both close by but still in wolf form, if they had any more clothing but it seemed like they didn't. Luckily Sam pulled up moments later. I put Kim in the backseat, climbing in after.

"Here," Sam said, handing me a blanket from the front seat. I grabbed it and wrapped up Kim, bundling her in my arms. She shook. Sam hit the gas. "How is she?"

"Like ice. I don't think she knows where she is."

"She'll be ok, we'll get her back to the house. Get her warm. She's probably in shock."

I didn't answer. I just held her. "Kim? Kim?" I tried to tip her head back to see if she would meet my eyes. She almost did when I positioned her head just right, but it was like she was looking without really seeing. She was looking past me. Or through me. She was so cold. I fought the urge to look for bites again. I hadn't seen any before and I didn't want to move her blanket.

Emily was ready once we got to the house. We bundled Kim into the bed, not even bothering to dress her first. I got under the covers with her and held her tight, willing my body heat to warm her. It was like holding snow.

"Call Doctor Fangs," I told Sam. That had been the nickname for Carlisle among pack members. Well everyone but Kim anyway. "I want to know if his coven had something to do with this."

"How would they-"

"Just call him," I snapped. Edward's offer to Kim had not been on my mind before but it certainly was now. Even if she was on foot, she shouldn't have been able to walk or run to the cliffs in the time it took us to get there. Not as a human.

Leah walked in. "She still cold?" She asked. She didn't wait for an answer, she just slipped under the covers on the other side of Kim. "Still not talking, eh?" I almost snapped at her, but I realized she was looking at Kim and not at me.

"Sam thinks she's in shock," I said.

"We're all in shock," Leah mumbled.

Sam stepped in with the phone before I could respond. He handed me the phone and then leaned against the wall watching me.

"Hello," I said. "Doctor Cullen?"

"Yes," he answered. "Sam says that Kim is sick. Would you like me to come over?"

"I want to know if your _son_ had anything to do with it." Leah looked at me, eyes wide. "Did he tell you about his offer?"

"Yes," he said. "I tried to discourage Edward, but he insisted. Edward can read minds after all. He would have had a better idea than anyone what kind of mental state she was in." I gritted my teeth and clenched the phone tighter. I had to stop myself before I snapped the plastic. Of course _Edward_ wouldn't object to using his powers to manipulate Kim when she was most vulnerable. No one, not even me could know what was going on in Kim's head, except for that one especially filthy parasite _._ I could feel myself starting to shake and saw Sam straighten, preparing to stop me if I started to lose control. I took a few deep breaths to steady myself.

"But Kim made her opinions on the matter clear," the Doctor continued. "And Edward would never do that to someone against her will. That much I'm certain."

"No?" I asked. "But he's perfectly happy to poison her with shit ideas."

"She seemed resolute."

"She's breathing fine now."

"Really?"

"Yes," I said through gritted teeth. "And she's ice cold. And…" I swallowed. "She's totally out of it. She doesn't seem to know where she is. And she moved fifteen miles on foot. Outran us even though we were only ten minutes behind her."

For a moment there was nothing but static on the other line. "That is peculiar."

"Peculiar!?"

"Were there any bites?" the Doctor asked. "Any crescent shaped scars on her skin? They heal quickly so they would look old by the time you saw."

"I... I checked but I didn't see-"

"Did you smell any vampire, anywhere along the trail? Or is there any trace of vampire scent on her now?"

I breathed a sigh of relief for the first time in hours. Maybe days. "No," I said, wondering how I hadn't thought of that. I swallowed, relief flooding me. "She smells clean."

"Good," the Doctor said. "Had she been in close contact with a vampire recently you would be able to smell that wouldn't you?"

I thought back to when we first started dating. Sometimes when we would meet after school I would smell leech on her, just from her sitting near them. The scent would often linger, even after she showered. "Yes," I sighed, all but crushed with relief. "I would have smelled it."

"Then all said, I think it is very unlikely that she has been bitten," the Doctor said. "Because she would smell differently if a vampire had come near her or if there was venom in her system."

The Doctor was quiet for a moment, probably giving me a chance to speak, but I couldn't think of anything to say. "Would you like me to come over and see if I can do anything to help? I can think of no explanations as to how she recovered from her injury and was able to travel so far so fast. But I can assess her current symptoms and make suggestions accordingly."

I looked at Sam who shrugged. "Sure come over," I said. "Uh, thanks."

"I'll be there in ten." The line went dead.

"I'll let the others know," Sam said. He stepped outside.

I set the phone down readjusting to wrap my arms tightly around Kim once more. She shivered a little more violently as I did, but then the shaking slowed. Her eyes stayed closed. I wondered if she was falling asleep.

"What are you thinking?" Leah asked, looking at me this time.

"I-" I shook my head. "Relieved that Kim isn't about to turn into a bloodsucker?" I sounded hysterical, but I didn't care. "I just don't understand. If it wasn't the Cullens that did this then who did? I just need her to wake up, to tell me that she's still here."

Leah didn't say anything. She just nodded. Doctor Fangs knocked on the door twenty minutes later. He frowned as he looked her over. He took her temperature. The shock on his face was brief but undeniable.

"She's hypothermic," he said. "Did you find her in the ocean by any chance? Or was she out in that storm?"

"No, we found her on the cliffs," I said. "Dry."

"Hm."

"What does it mean?"

"Well, it's seventy degrees today," he said. "It's unlikely that she was able to get to this state if she stayed dry…" I gritted my teeth. Why was he even here then? Clearly he didn't know shit. "She was hypothermic before," he allowed. "When she was injured after the battle. I'd assumed it was a combination of the cold exposure on the mountain and stress from her injuries, but perhaps there were other factors."

"Other factors?" I repeated.

"She used some kind of… extraordinary power on the mountain, correct? She killed two vampires under impossible circumstances, and today her lungs are impossibly healed and she travelled an impossible distance. Perhaps she had no external help, and the cold is a symptom of a certain type of exertion."

Kim trembled in my arms. Her eyes were still closed. She looked exhausted.

"Do you have any idea what she was doing before she disappeared?"

I didn't answer, pinched by guilt.

"She was alone," Sam said. "But she phased just before she disappeared. She was using her… powers. She destroyed her room. Most of the house and the forest around it." The Doctor's eyes widened. "But by the time we got there, the house was together again. Or like it had never been destroyed in the first place. But we all saw it, through Kim's eyes. Kim was gone by the time we got there."

"That's certainly peculiar," the Doctor said. "I've seen a lot of strange things in my life. Never anything like this, but I've seen enough not to write anything off as impossible. Hopefully she will tell you about it when she wakes up."

"She was awake when we found her." I swallowed trying to hide the emotion creeping into my voice. "But she-she couldn't talk. I don't think she could even see me."

For once the Doctor didn't seem to know what else to say. "Hypothermia often has some temporary cognitive impacts. Disorientation is not unusual. Slurred speech is also common, though I'm not sure about loss of speech entirely, except in very severe cases. Her condition should improve as she warms up." The Doctor took her temperature again. "She is warming up. Her temperature is point seven degrees higher than it was when I first arrived. I imagine she should warm up quickly with you two on either side."

I tried to imagine her getting marginally warmer. Her skin still felt clammy.

"Would you like me to stay until she wakes up?" The Doctor asked. "She may sleep for a while. Exhaustion following hypothermia is common."

I realized he was asking me. "I uh-no that's ok."

He nodded. "When she wakes up try to get her to eat and drink. Something warm and high in fat will be good. It will help her to warm herself faster."

"Thank you, Doctor," Sam said, when I said nothing. But there was no gratitude in Sam's eyes, only cold caution.

"Call me again if her condition worsens or does not improve," he said. He handed me the thermometer. "Her last temperature was 94.6. If it drops, call me." He paused for a moment, then took the thermometer back from me. "94.9," he said, nodding. "Good. It should continue gradually climbing."

He left. Kim shivered again as I pulled her close. _Hypothermia causes disorientation_ , I repeated in my mind. She'd be better when she woke up.

Kim shivered, but less and less as the time passed. A few hours later she stopped shivering entirely, her breath slowed and deepened with sleep. Leah and I didn't move. I checked her temperature.

"What's it say," Leah asked.

"96.7," I said.

"Is that good or bad?"

"Uh I think 98 is normal for humans?" I wasn't sure though. I frowned. I should have asked the Doctor Fangs before he left. I checked my own temperature for reference. 108.4.

"Should we wake her up?" Leah asked.

"No."

Eventually, I drifted off too. I woke up when she started stirring.

"Kim?" I asked. "Kim?" She sat up, rubbing her eye with her knuckle. "Kim." I hugged her, so relieved to see her awake I had to hold back tears. Only as the moment stretched on I started to feel cold panic once more. She didn't speak. "Kim?" I asked, trying to keep the panic out of my voice. "Can you hear me?" She looked drowsy, blinking slowly as she looked around the room. "We're at Emily and Sam's house." She didn't look at me as I spoke. She stared at the curtains. Leah bit her lip. "Get Sam," I told her.

"Let's get her dressed first," she said, more gently than I was accustomed to hearing her speak. She pulled out some of Emily's clothes. Kim didn't fight us, but she didn't help either. I took her temperature again. 98.9.

Leah got Sam. "Hey, Kim." He leaned down, putting his face between her and the direction she was looking. "Can you hear me?" Kim did seem to look at him for a moment. She blinked at his face, but then she looked away again, her blank gaze settling on her hands. She gave no indication as to whether she could hear him or not. "Maybe she's still in shock?" Sam asked. "Let's see if we can get her to eat something."

I watched her, and she watched everything but me. She looked at her hands, at the door, at a framed picture of a flower on the wall. I took her hand. She looked at our interlocked hands for a moment and then looked away again. She didn't pull away, or even react at my touch. She just let her hand lie there in mine. Limp.

"Ok Kim," Quil said, walking in, hands full. "We got your favorites. Hot chocolate and Mac and Cheese."

Quil put the mug in Kim's hand, and to my surprise she took it. She sipped, slowly at first, but then she downed the entire steaming cup. She set the empty mug down on the bed and wiped her mouth with her free hand. I took the mug and put it on the bed side table. Leah and Sam exchanged glances and shrugged. Then Quil handed Kim the bowl of Mac and Cheese. Kim scarfed it down in minutes, eyes not wandering from the bowl as she ate. I was almost surprised that she was able to use a fork with such dexterity. It didn't seem to match her inability to speak. She licked the fork and then sat the empty dish on the bed as she had before.

Emily walked in. "How'd she do?" She asked. She peeked in the bowl. "Oh wow, pretty well I guess."

Kim's eyes snapped up. She stared at Emily with such a deep concentration, I held my breath. She _saw_ her. She had to have seen her.

Then, without any warning, Emily screamed, a high, pained, keening sound and clapping her hand over her face. Sam leapt up, eyes wide, and pulled Emily into the hall. Leah and Quil ran after them. I sat, frozen next to Kim, watching her, and listening to the sounds in the hall. I didn't understand the sounds Sam was making at first, but eventually I realized he was crying. My mouth felt dry and my hands felt damp. I looked back at Kim. She was licking the bowl now without a hint of apprehension or remorse on her face. _It's not like her,_ I thought. _Kim wouldn't hurt a fly_. After a moment, I followed the others into the other room.

"Sam?" I asked, voice high with panic. It had never occurred to me that Kim might use her powers against any of us, even accidentally. I shuddered trying not to picture the fallout of one imprint harming another. There were deep laws against pack members harming one another or imprints.

"Sam?" I asked again. "Is Emily ok?"

"It's a miracle." Sam's voice was so soft I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. "It's a miracle," he repeated, louder this time. He pulled back, his face streaked with tears. Then I saw Emily's face and gasped.

I almost didn't recognize her. Emily's scars were so visible before, the first and sometimes only feature people noticed about her appearance. And now her scars were gone.

She didn't talk about it, but we knew that she was embarrassed of them, nervous to go out in public. Even simple tasks like grocery shopping gave her anxiety because people stared. Sometimes babies cried when they saw her, which broke her heart. Sam noticed this once when they were on a bus. We all saw it in his mind, because he couldn't stop replaying the memory.

But now, Emily's skin was so perfect and unmarked that I almost struggled to remember exactly how her scars had looked, even though I'd seen them hundreds of times. The sensation was familiar for some reason I couldn't pinpoint. Then it hit me. I'd felt the same way earlier today when we ran to Kim's house, expecting a shattered ruin and finding a perfectly sound building and forest.

"Are they really gone?" Emily asked, her voice small. Sam nodded. "I want to see." Sam gently helped her up and positioned her in front of the hall mirror. Then Emily started crying too, touching her new, unmarked skin. They kissed.

It almost hurt to watch them and their perfect, unmarred celebration. My heart ached with bitter envy. Why couldn't it be me and Kim, celebrating our miracle without any fear or sacrifice?

I tore my eyes away from Emily and Sam and turned back to the bedroom. Maybe now that she had warmed up, slept, and eaten the shock would be wearing off. Then my heart skipped a beat. The bed was empty. I ran to the door, looking in. Nothing. Her dirty bowl sat on the bed. I looked in the other room. She was in the kitchen, standing by the counter, cramming muffins into her mouth.

"Kim?" I asked, trying to look at her face. "Kim?" She didn't look away from the muffins in her hands.

"Kim?" Leah asked, then frowned when she didn't answer. Leah came over and waved her hand in Kim's face. "Hey, Kim!" She whistled.

Kim's eyes followed Leah's hand. She paused between bites, but only briefly. Quil watched us from across the room. I swallowed, trying to push down dread.

"What's wrong with her?" I asked, not to anyone particular, but Quil responded.

"I think Doctor Fangs might be right," he said. "I think she's having a reaction to using her powers."

"Doctor Fangs said she had hypothermia," I said.

"Yeah," Quil said. "And he said that he couldn't explain the rest. She got hypothermic last time after slicing up those bloodsuckers, but she got better. This time she sliced up her house, all the trees around her house, then fixed the house, the forest, her own body, and ran twenty miles, faster than us and she was on two legs. I'm telling you, she's learned some new tricks." He jabbed his thumb back towards Emily and Sam, who were still wrapped in each other's arms. The house could have been a hallucination, but Emily's scars couldn't. We'd all seen it first hand. "Maybe this time it will take longer to pass."

"Then why didn't anything happen to her when she healed Emily?" As I asked, I looked at Kim, and noticed a slight shake in her hand as she guided the next muffin to her mouth. Then I touched her forehead. It felt cool.

I scooped her up. Kim seemed indifferent to this, doing nothing to protest, though she did grab the entire bowl of muffins off the counter. I carried her back to the bed and took her temperature. 95.6. Kim fished another muffin out of the bowl but then her hand shook so violently that she dropped it.

"A little help!" I called into the hall as I bundled her under the blankets once more.

Quil swore and then ducked under the covers on Kim's other side.

"What happened?" Sam asked.

"She went cold again," Quil said.

"Should I call the Doctor?" Sam asked.

"I don't know," I said. "Uh, let's give it a minute and I'll check her temperature again."

"We need to think about what we should tell her mom," Quil said.

"Tell her?!" I asked. "We can't tell her."

"Aunt Laina's gonna freak if you guys aren't there when she gets home," Quil said.

"Jared, where's your phone?" Sam asked.

"Uh-" I thought hard. "Maybe in my car? Or maybe at Kim's."

Sam sighed. "Where is your car?"

"Still at Kim's," I said, heart sinking a bit.

"Yikes," Quil said. "I hope she's not home yet."

"Hopefully," Sam said, lip curling. "Do you remember where you might have left the keys? And the phone?"

"Keys would be on Kim's desk," I said, trying to focus. "Phone and wallet might be there too. If not then center console."

"Ok, I'll see what I can do," Sam said.

"Wait," I said. I reached for the thermometer and checked Kim's temperature again. 96.1. "Ok it's going up." I sighed with relief.

"Good," Sam said. "I'll be back soon."

After Sam left, I stroked Kim's cheek. She trembled but didn't open her eyes.

"What are we going to tell her mom?" Quil asked softly.

"I don't know," I said, my voice flat. I didn't take my eyes off of Kim.

"We have to think of something," Quil said.

"I don't know what to tell her," I said.

"When she sees Kim like this, she's going to have a lot of questions-"

"I said, I don't know!" I snapped. Quil flinched but stopped pressing. I wanted to apologize but by the time I realized that, it felt like it was too late, so I said nothing.

What was there to say? Kim's mom was never in on the secrets. She didn't know anything about that pack, and certainly didn't know about Kim's part in all of it. And I wasn't about to tell her now. Kim kept that from her for a reason. She never admitted it, not even to herself. Kim thought she was doing it for the pack, preserving our secrets, but it was for her mom's sake, and for her own. She didn't want danger or darkness weighing on their already fragile relationship.

So no, I wasn't going to tell her mom. Even if she had known, it's not like anything about the pack could explain this. Her injury yes, but mysteriously regained the ability to breathe and walk? And her inability to communicate? We had no explanations. What could be said? How could anyone tell a mother that her daughter regained her body by giving up her mind?

"Did you hear what she was thinking earlier?" Quil asked. "After she wrecked her room?" I flinched a little as I thought about it. I'd been trying not to. "It sounded like she just wanted... out, you know?" I thought about the house. We'd all watched her destroy it. If it was a hallucination it felt real. "Maybe she found a way out and took it."

"Don't say that," I growled. "She's not _gone,_ she's right here. She's going to be fine." Quil didn't answer. I believed what I said. I couldn't afford not to. I knew Kim better than anyone. She wouldn't just leave. She wouldn't leave me here all alone. Not like this.

I cupped a hand over one of Kim's cheeks and pressed my forehead against her other. I hoped my face was hidden enough that Quil couldn't see me cry.


	33. Newcomer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Alcoholism

"Thanks again, Leah," I said.

"Seriously don't mention it," she said. "You aren't the only one who cares about her you know."

"I know. Anything new?" I tried to keep my voice level, but I couldn't stop the hope from creeping in.

Leah glanced at Kim, who scraped a nearly clean yogurt cup. "Kind of the same," Leah said. "No episodes or anything." I nodded. I should stop asking. Of course she would tell me if she noticed anything promising.

"Right," I cleared my throat. "Thanks. C'mon Kim, let's go."

Kim didn't look up at me as I spoke. I grabbed the empty yogurt cup out of her hand, tossed it, and then grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. Sometimes she would tug back a bit, or stumble as she stared off into space. Sometimes she wouldn't move at all, and I would just pick her up and carry her, but today she walked along.

I thought when she warmed up she would be back to normal. She wasn't. She was hungry and moving and her eyes were open, but she couldn't speak or see. Awake, but not conscious. So I told myself she would be back to normal after she ate. Then after she slept. Then in a week. Then two. Nothing. I'd tried putting a pen and notepad in her hand, but she wouldn't write. After a few minutes she started drawing on her hand. Odd little patterns I couldn't make sense of. Then, two weeks after she went silent, I got a desperate idea. She couldn't speak or write, but maybe I could see what she was thinking? I just needed to get her to phase.

I walked her deep into the woods. She trailed behind me distracted by butterflies and ferns. She stopped entirely, tugging at my hand to pet a particularly mossy stone. I had no idea what it was about these animals and plants that was catching her attention so well. Once we were sufficiently far in, I handed her a cupcake. Food seemed to catch her interest even better than nature. She took a bite, but before she could take another, I wrestled it out of her hand and chucked it as far as I could into the forest. She watched it fly away, her expression blank. She didn't even look at me. I gave her another cupcake and did the same thing. Again, nothing. When the box was empty, nothing changed. Her face was as blank as before, only now there was some frosting on her upper lip, until she licked it away.

I realized, deflated, that I had no other plan as to how to make her phase. How could I make her angry? She didn't seem to care about anything now. I'd thought she'd cared about food, but apparently not enough to warrant even the slightest reaction when it was taken from her for no reason. My throat tightened. I reached out and pinched her arm. She wailed and I dropped my hand in shock. It was the first sound she'd made since she stopped talking.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I whispered. Tears of shame burned in my eyes. Pain, like anger, could make someone phase, but how could I think that I could hurt her enough to force her to? My selfish desire to know if she was thinking didn't justify hurting her. Even if I thought my getting inside her head could help her, make her better, I knew I wouldn't have been able to hurt her. It would have broken me first. I took her hand and walked her back out of the woods. I would wait. Waiting was agony, but I had to have faith.

I had support. Like Leah, most of the pack was willing to do what they could to help. Leah watched her. Quil watched her. Sam and Emily watched her. They both felt indebted to Kim now. So we took turns during the day, and I took her every night.

It was dark in Kim's house when I let myself in. I heard the TV from the other room. "Laina?" I called out as I turned on lights with one hand, towing Kim along with the other. "Laina? Mrs. Conweller?" Kim's mother hated being called by her surname, but sometimes she answered to it when she wouldn't answer to her first for some reason.

I found her lying on the couch. "Hm?" She asked but she didn't open her eyes. An empty bottle of wine lay on its side on the floor next to her.

"Kim and I are back," I said. "We'll be up in her room, but uh-just holler if you need us-need anything"

"Hmm." It sounded like an acknowledgement. I picked up the empty bottle, dropped it in the recycling, and then towed Kim up to her room.

I shuddered as I thought about how we'd told Laina. We'd debated for a while, but in the end we'd phoned Quil's father to handle it. He delivered some bullshit story about how we were over at his house when Kim suddenly started walking and breathing but stopped talking at the same time, while I nodded, not needing to play up the shock. To be fair, that's about as much as we knew anyways. Laina spent two hours trying to wake Kim up, crying as she said her name over and over again. She slapped Kim across the face and when I pulled her away, she screamed at me to leave. Then when I refused, she threw a ceramic bowl at my head. I ducked and it hit the wall and shattered. Then I stood outside the front door for two hours, not willing to leave, but reluctant to intrude. When I came back inside, I found Laina drinking at her dining room table. She'd said Kim was gone.

"What do you mean gone?" I'd asked, aghast.

"She walked out." Laina had waved vaguely in the direction of the back door before pouring herself another drink. I shook my head. I would have heard her if she'd opened a door, but Kim wasn't inside. I'd found her all the way back in La Push, on the beach by our little dead tree. She was trembling as she ran her hands along its worn surface. When I got closer I realized for the first time that our favorite dead tree wasn't actually dead after all. There were impossible living branches filled with green leaves on one side. I'd carried her to Sam and Emily's after. She had been cold again and their house was the closest.

As much as I shared Laina's pain, I couldn't hide my frustration with how useless she'd become. She spent less than two hours trying to wake Kim up before giving up entirely. I didn't know shit about parenting but I knew you weren't supposed to give up on your kids, ever. _I_ wasn't giving up. Was it too much to ask for adults to be adults?

My head pounded. I felt like I needed a nap. I coaxed Kim into the bed wrapping my arms around her as I always did when she slept. I heard howling outside as soon as I closed my eyes. I groaned. They would leave soon. They knew I was watching Kim, but the howling only grew louder and closer.

I swore to myself as I scooped up Kim and jogged down the stairs. I set her in the armchair, in the same room as her mom, then ran into the kitchen. The fridge and pantry were so sparse it made me sad. Laina usually overstocked her kitchen to a borderline hoarding level. What was she eating now? I found a pint of ice cream in the freezer. It was so old that most of the carton was filled with ice crystals.

Kim had already wandered to the door by the time I got back. I scooped her up and put her back in the chair.

"Hey," I said, waving the cartoon in front of her eyes. "Do you want this? Ice cream?" Her expression didn't change but her eyes were glued to the carton in my hands. She swallowed audibly. "Yeah. Great."

I pried the top of and put the spoon in her hands, praying that it would keep her busy for long enough. Then I ran outside and phased.

_What?!_ I demanded. _Seriously, what is going on that is just_ so _important-_

_Leech in La Push,_ Paul answered. _Bring your clothes._

_What?!_ I doubled back to grab my shorts and started running. _Not one of the Cullens?_

_Same loose end from the battle?_ Quil asked.

_No,_ Sam answered. _Well maybe. But a different scent than the last one we followed._

I did a mental tally of all the thoughts in my head. I might be the last one.

_Still waiting on Jacob,_ Sam thought. _Status?_

_I don't know,_ Leah thought. _He's not home. His car's gone._

Sam swore. _Fine. Forget it, we need to regroup._

Jacob, like me, had been getting a bit of leniency lately due to current circumstances, mine being the need to constantly babysit my literal soulmate until she's back to normal, and Jacob's being the need to come to terms with the supposed love of his life choosing a leech over him with the intention of becoming one herself.

After the battle, while Kim was fighting for her life against injuries she sustained trying to save her ungrateful life, Bella was officially breaking things off with Jacob. The kiss apparently _had_ been a wake up call to her, just not the kind Jacob was hoping for. Soon after, Bella had some kind of a blow up fight with her father, and moved out. She'd been shacking up with the whole coven, and no one had seen her since. She'd be a bloodsucker any day now, one last slap in the face to Kim who lost just about everything trying to save her selfish ass. Maybe she already was one.

_Meet here,_ Sam instructed, picturing the spot where he was waiting, the parking lot outside the library. The bloodsucker scent was thick in the air.

_There?!_ I asked.

_The woods behind._ He clarified. There were two cars in the lot. Embry, Quil, and Paul were already there. Leah, Seth, and I were close.

_What's it doing there?_ I wondered. My question wasn't really directed at anyone. No one knew. We were all shocked. It was overcast today but still daytime. What was a bloodsucker doing at the library? Sam started thinking over the plan and I realized why Paul had told me to bring my clothes.

_We're going after it as humans?!_ I asked.

_I don't like it either,_ Sam thought. _But we can't go through town like this._

_Why not try the perimeter? Cross the trail where it got out?_ I asked. Then I went cold. They'd tried that. Leah had run the circuit twice. There was no exit trail. It was still here.

_Or it has wheels, dumbass,_ Paul thought.

I tried not to get riled by his comments but I was surprised that that hadn't occurred to me. That's how we lost the two bloodsuckers Kim spotted at Bella's house back when… My chest felt tight as I thought about how she had staged that little solo stakeout, too proud to ask for help, too stubborn to let someone else's problem go. That was when we settled our debate over her leaving for college. I couldn't believe that I'd let _that_ get between us. Four years was nothing compared to forever.

_Focus,_ Sam thought towards me, gently this time, not an order.

I tried to, but I couldn't stop thinking. What I wouldn't give for a chance at forever.

Seth finally made it. _Ready?_ Sam asked. We phased back.

It felt so strange, walking out into the parking lot and trying to follow the scent of a soulless predator as humans. Our reflexes were slower and our senses were duller. It was like going into battle with an unloaded weapon. We fanned out and circled the parking lot. It was definitely stronger by the building.

"Guys?" Embry called from the front. "I think we should check inside." We gathered at the door.

A wave of bloodsucker stench hit us when Embry opened the door. We exchanged glances and peaked inside. It looked empty. Mrs. Stenten, the librarian, looked up through her thick glasses at us as the bell rang. We filed inside.

She blinked, looking a bit shaken by the pack of us. To be fair, almost all of us were shirtless. "Can I help you boys with anything?" She asked, voice shaking a bit, though it was unclear whether this was from trepidation or age.

"Um yes." Sam pushed to the front. "I was wondering if you've had any visitors today. We're looking for someone...from out of town."

She blinked. "As a matter of fact there was a pretty peculiar visitor just a few hours ago. A white woman. She was young and very pretty. Long brown hair."

"Her skin was pale?" Sam asked.

"Oh yes," Mrs. Stenten said, nodding. "Maybe the palest woman I've ever seen. Absolutely beautiful, except for her eyes. Something off about her eyes, though she seemed to see just fine."

We all bristled. "What did she want?" Sam asked.

"Oh it was very peculiar," Mrs. Stenten said, her eyes narrowing a bit. "She asked if I had copies of the land titles."

"Land titles?"

"Yes," Mrs. Stenten said, nodding. "She wanted maps, titles, easements, and the like… I don't know what she expected to find here." She looked around her. "We're just a small lending library. We certainly don't have anything like that. I gave her the address of the courthouse, but I'm not sure she'll have much luck there either."

"Thank you for your help," Sam said. We filed out of the building. "Should we go for a run?" He asked us when we were all outside.

Sam set the pace. We stayed human, but our run turned into more of a sprint when we were safely under the cover of the trees. We reached the courthouse in under two minutes, the bloodsucker scent still thick in the air. We slowed to a brisk walk and opened the door. Again, the leech stench was stronger inside.

"Can I help you boys?" Mrs. Lane greeted them from behind the desk. She looked us up and down, eyebrows raising as she did.

"Yes," Sam said. "We're looking for someone. Did someone from out of town come through here? Asking about land titles?"

"Yes actually." Mrs. Lane's brow furrowed. "I gave her copies of what I had, but I don't think I had everything she was looking for. I told her she might have to go to the state office. To be honest, I'm pretty behind on my filing..." She trailed off, looking at the piles of paper around the room.

"Can you describe her?" Sam asked.

"She was young," Mrs. Lane said. "In her twenties maybe. Very pretty. Light skin. Very light. Brown hair. Well dressed. Terrible choice of color contacts though."

"Really?"

"Yeah, they were very… red. Struck me as an odd choice." I shuddered at how close this woman had come to death.

"Can you show me what you showed her?" Sam asked.

Mrs. Lane shrugged. "I already have them out I suppose. Let's see." She listed them as she pulled out each page. "Property deeds, for all the landowners and businesses on public record, the federal trust, park boundaries, conservation easements…"

"Did she say what she wanted with all of these?" Sam asked.

"She didn't," Mrs. Lane said. "Oh, she said she works for Crimson." I frowned. A bloodsucker with a job? That sounded off.

"Like the gas station?" Seth asked.

"The energy company, yes."

"Will you let me know if she comes back?" Sam asked.

Mrs. Lane just shrugged. "Sure, Sam." We walked out of the tiny house and formed a loose circle in the parking lot.

"So… what the fuck?" Paul asked.

"Definitely doesn't sound like some stray from the battle," Sam said.

"So what now?" Embry asked.

Sam shook his head, biting his lip. "Let's get to the woods, run another lap. I don't expect we'll find anything but it's worth a shot. I'll touch base with the council after." We filed off into the woods and phased one by one, our shared thoughts so full of speculation it sounded like there were bees in my mind.

_Why would a bloodsucker have a job?_ Quil asked.

_Yeah you'd need like, papers or something right?_ Seth asked.

_Yeah. ID and social security number and everything._

_I mean maybe they could forge it?_

_What about Dr. Fangs?_ Leah asked. _He's got a job._

_Yeah but the Cullens are like… different right?_ Quil asked. _It's easier for them to blend in because they don't eat people._

_They still smell the same._

_But Mrs. Lane said this woman had red eyes,_ Quil thought. _The Cullens' eyes are kind of… yellow?_

_We already know it's not one of the Cullens,_ Sam sighed. _We know their scents._

_But Quil's right,_ Leah thought. _All that work to get papers and a job… there has to be a reason. The Cullens do it to blend in and pretend to be normal. This woman can't. If she has red eyes, she's a murderer. She's taking a risk by doing all this and she's doing it anyways._

We all went quieter as we considered that. None of it made any sense to me. I was worried about Kim. I wasn't sure how much longer crystalized ice cream would distract her.

_Jared you can go._ Sam's thoughts were heavy with sympathy. _We'll handle things here. We probably won't find anything anyways._

_Thanks._ I hesitated for just a minute, guilty for being so distracted, but then I turned and ran back to Kim's, trying to ignore the pity the pack felt for me. Once I got to her house I phased in the yard, tugged on my shorts, and sprinted inside. Laina was still sleeping on the couch, but the armchair where I'd left Kim was empty, the empty ice cream carton and spoon on the seat. I ran upstairs, checked her room, the bathroom, the kitchen. Empty. I ran back to the living room.

"Laina? Laina!" I shook her shoulder a bit.

"Wha-"

"Where's Kim?" I asked.

"Gone," Laina mumbled, not even opening her eyes.

"Yeah, I know that. Gone where?"

"How should I know-"

"I left her right here!" I hissed.

Laina kept mumbling as if she didn't hear me. "-long gone. Just a husk of a girl now, really. I don't know why you kids all insist on playing dress up with that _body_ as if my daughter's still inside. That's not my daughter. She's gone. There's no one inside that dead-eyed, walking shell-"

I ran back outside and phased again. I couldn't listen anymore.

_Lost her?_ Quil asked.

I ran a wide loop around the house, trying to pick up her scent. I tried to forget Laina's words and focus. _I'll find her._ I couldn't find any fresh trails. All the trails around her house were stale. I crept closer, all the way up to the front door, and then I found it. I followed it to the road where it disappeared. _No way,_ I thought, more to myself than to the others. _She got in a car?_ Then I noticed the second scent, also fresh, and unmistakable. Jacob. I ran to his house. The others were confused. It was strange. Some of the others were helping me watch her, but why would Jacob take her and not tell me?

Jacob's car was in his driveway. Kim's scent trailed from the car to the door. I phased back.

"Jacob!" I yelled.

"Right here!" Jacob answered. They were on the couch, bundled in blankets. Some were shiny foil, space blankets. I didn't even know where you could buy those. Kim's eyes were closed and she was trembling.

"Is she ok?!" I put my hand on her forehead. Her skin was icy. "What happened?!"

"She's going to be fine," Jacob said. "Her temperature is coming back up." He pointed to a thermometer on the table next to him. It looked brand new.

"What happened?" I asked again, my voice raw.

"Maybe we should take her up to my room," Jacob said. "She'll warm up faster with both of us."

"What happened!?" My eyes trailed around the room, eventually settling on Billy's wheelchair. It was empty. "Where is Billy?"

"I'm here, Jared," he said. I whipped around to see him in the kitchen, _standing_. He had a hot water bottle in his hands _._ My mouth fell open as he walked over and tucked it under the blankets. There was no trembling, no uncertainty or weakness in his steps. Even his legs looked bigger, no longer atrophied, as if he'd never even been in a wheelchair. He looked from me to her, tears budding in his eyes, head shaking. "It's a miracle," he finally said, his voice thick with emotion. Seemed everyone was getting their miracles these days except for me.

With shaking hands, I dragged Jacob out from under the blankets. "Careful!" He protested. "I read you're not supposed to shake someone with hypothermia, you could hurt her!"

I punched him. His nose cracked under my knuckles and drops of blood flecked the wood siding.

"Jared!" Billy gasped. I ignored him.

Jacob had done _research._ How had none of us seen that he was planning this? I tossed him outside, and then phased. I slashed his arm before he could react. He screamed in pain and the scream faded into a howl as he phased.

_Jared!_ Sam barked.

_Oh are you going to order me to stop!?_ I asked, raising my paw for another swing. _After what he did!?_

_What I did!?_ Jacob asked, while struggling to throw me off of him. _I'm_ sorry _for wanting my dad to be able to walk again!_

_Leah, Quil, with me,_ Sam thought. They ran towards us, watching the memory playing in Jacob's mind. When Jacob brought her in the house, Kim's eyes locked onto Billy with that same eerie focus that she had when she saw Emily. Billy instantly screamed in pain, tears streaking his cheeks, but after his cries faded, he slowly rose from his wheelchair and took a few cautious steps, looking down at his feet, covering his open mouth with his hand.

_You set her back!_ I growled and struck him. My claws tore his cheek. He howled.

_You don't know that!_ Jacob kicked my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. _You don't know anything!_

_You had no right to_ use _her just to get what you want!_ I took another swipe at him but missed.

Jacob kicked me again. I gasped for air. _She has powers, asshole! And she can't decide what to use them for now, but if she knew what was going on I think she would have wanted to help! Do you think you should be the only one who decides what we do with her powers just because you were fucking her!?_

_She's not a toy!_ I sank my teeth into his shoulder. Jacob howled. _You used her, and you set her back! Because of you it's going to take her longer to get better! You selfish asshole!_

_Selfish?! I'm selfish?!_ Jacob bucked against me, throwing me off with all four legs. I tried to scramble to my feet but he was already on top of me. _Jared, I am_ sorry _that you had to watch someone you love suffer for a_ month _, but I've watched my dad struggle my entire life!_

I shoved against him, but he shoved me down again. My head rang when it struck the ground but I could see everything through his mind. The accident. Losing his mom. Watching his father lose his mobility and hope, and then slowly and laboriously building those things back up over years of sweat and frustrations and injustices, large and small. He'd fought through pain for his freedom and his happiness. He had to. And then, he'd watched Kim get injured and magically recover in the space of a month. No one knew how it had happened, we only knew that she'd cheated. And if she'd found a way to cheat, why shouldn't Billy get to cheat too?

I shook my head, unwilling to let Jacob distract me. Kim wasn't better now. Yes, she could walk and breathe and move both of her arms, but it had cost her everything. I stopped fighting against Jacob. I was still shaking, but not from anger. There was too much misery inside me for there to be room for anything else. It felt like I was sinking.

Paul and Embry tried to ignore my misery and focus on their task as they ran the perimeter, looking for traces of the mysterious newcomer, a beautiful young woman with red eyes, white skin, long brown hair, and a scent none of us recognized, who was acting peculiarly for a leech, interacting with humans and not killing them. Jacob's breath caught as he was struck by a theory as to who the new bloodsucker was.

Jacob stepped off me then, waves of his misery tracing the path of my own. There was no point in fighting. Neither of us had a chance to win even scraps of relief from it now. The girls we loved were cold.


	34. Mortality Cons

"It's a breach of the treaty," Jacob spat.

"It's a fight we can't win," Sam retorted.

"Oh so we're supposed to give them a pass? Because you're afraid? We're supposed to protect people!"

"Some people don't want our protection," Sam snapped. Then his expression softened as he looked over at me and Kim. "And we've lost enough trying to protect Bella." I met his gaze. Kim, of course, did not. Her eyes were glued to the lollipop Emily had given her. It was a huge twisted rainbow, like the kind you see in cartoons. For some reason, Kim never bit them, only licking them with intense focus and care. They distracted her for hours. Emily bought dozens.

Sam's words aggravated me, even though I knew they weren't intended to. We didn't _lose_ Kim. Kim wasn't gone, she just wasn't herself. She's going to wake up any day. Then it would be like it was before. She'd be healthy and whole, talking again… Kim delicately licked her candy, staring blankly at it. I had to look away.

"Where do we draw the line then?" Jacob asked.

"What?"

"If you let this slide, where does it stop?"

Sam shook his head. "Nothing has changed. If they break the treaty we respond, but we're not starting a war over Bella."

"She was on our _land_ ," Jacob said. "She crossed the border. Is that enough of a breach of treaty for you?"

"It is for me," Paul grumbled. Quil nodded.

"That is a concern. We've increased patrols," Sam said. "If they cross the border again, we will be forced to investigate."

"Investigate?!" Jacob snorted. His eyes raced around the room, looking for support, and when no one spoke, he stormed out of the house, flinging the door shut behind him. Embry stood up to go after him.

"Leave him be," Sam said. The others continued to debate. I tuned them out. Kim licked her candy. She'd been wandering off more and more. The rest of the pack was used to me phasing in at odd times, frantically searching for the freshest scent trail. They always offered to help. Twice we found her on the beach, staring out over the waves. Once we found her over thirty miles away in the Olympic National Forest. Sometimes when she started to walk away when we were together I would just follow her. I still hadn't figured out how she was moving so fast. She never ran when I followed her, but she was elusive. If left alone, she could vanish in seconds and cover insane distances. I was so lost in thought that I didn't even notice when the debate fell silent, until the sound that caused the interruption became louder and more recognizable. Frantic barking. All heads turned to the window.

"I'll check," Embry offered. "Same signal as usual." We'd been using one bark for all is well and three barks for go time since Kim first suggested it. I wondered how she would have felt about her many little, lasting marks on the pack. When she was better, I would ask her. Embry walked out.

Jacob's barking fell silent, then Embry barked three times. The others exchanged glances and hustled out of the house one by one, shedding clothing as they went. Soon it was just me, Kim, and Emily. I looked back and forth between the open door and Kim.

"I can watch her, Jared," Emily said, her smile soft and sympathetic. "You can go. Really."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

Emily nodded, pointing to the lollipop in Kim's hands. "I've got a whole box of those."

"Thanks, Emily." I followed the others out the door, but by the time I was outside, I could tell the others were already gone. Annoyed, I ran for the woods anyways, stripping off my clothes as I went.

_I said, I_ think _I'm sure,_ Jacob thought.

_What do you mean you think, you're sure?_ Leah demanded.

_I meant, I think it's the same scent!_ Jacob thought. _And there's blood. Definitely human._

My stomach lurched as I realized that he wasn't talking about the bloodsucker scent. There was no debate that it was the same bloodsucker that we followed from the library to the courthouse. The debate was about the scent of the human victim, who Jacob thought might be Lydia Wayne, the environmentalist. She came to the La Push school twice a year, giving talks at the school and leading nature walks. She was a friend of my mom's. They went to school together. Jacob thought it was her, but he couldn't tell for sure, because all he had to base his assessment on was a splash of blood so polluted by bloodsucker stench it was barely recognizable as human. There was nothing obscure about the bloodsucker scent. Uneasy thoughts thrummed through our minds.

_Bella,_ Jacob growled.

When I met up with the others they were already at the crime scene. I sniffed the small pool of blood, and like Jacob, I faintly remembered Lydia over the overwhelming leech stench. I backed up, holding my breath as the confusion and pain of the pack crescendoed into anger. We all knew, without even putting our thoughts into words that this was a crime that could not go unanswered.

We took off along the bloodsuckers trail. Leah pulled out ahead, and Sam did not bother to caution her. She skidded to a stop only a few miles later. The trail disappeared when it met the road. This wasn't surprising. We already knew she had a car. Paul swore anyways.

_It doesn't matter,_ Jacob growled. _We know where she's going._ He pictured the Cullen's massive white house, as we'd all seen it in Kim's mind.

_We don't know for sure if it's Bella,_ Embry hedged, even though he didn't really believe it. Even Sam seethed as he pictured the Cullen's making her like them, and then not even bothering to leave town as she'd promised Jacob. Not even watching her to make sure she upheld their supposedly nonviolent lifestyle. It was more than that. We'd trusted them, taken their words as truth, and because of their reckless greed, we failed on our promise as Protectors.

_What should we do?_ Sam asked. He had his opinion, but he tried to keep it neutral. He wanted us all to agree. I thought of Kim and the interactions between her and the Cullen's as I'd seen them through her mind. She never felt the same way as we did. She never hated them. She wavered a few times, resenting Edward for hurting Bella, but never viewing him, or any of his coven, with as much disdain as we did. She gave them far more chances than they deserved.

I remembered the moment before the ambush on the mountain, as I raced up the snowy slopes, knowing I wouldn't make it in time, trying not to picture her dying, knowing she would see it too. Edward had looked her in the eyes and said the word, _please._ He begged her to help even though he thought it would cost her her life. I remembered Bella, guilting her on the beach about sitting out, convincing her that love meant you had to be willing to sacrifice yourself. Bella had poisoned my sweet, sensible Kim with guilt and doubt. Kim saved Bella's life at tremendous cost, and Bella thanked her by becoming a monster and slaughtering an innocent woman on our land.

_We make them pay,_ I growled, and I felt the rousing agreement from each of my brothers.

We ran towards the Cullen's crypt, each of us willing to fight, willing to put our lives on the line for justice, to use our power to right an egregious wrong. This was what was asked of us.

We called dibs as we ran. Paul wanted to take on Jasper, the best fighter. That was fine by me. I wanted Edward.

_No, he's mine,_ Jacob growled. He was planning on going after Edward first, and then taking down as many of the rest as he could. He was trying hard not to picture Bella, bloodless and inhumanly beautiful, with chalky skin and vivid, blood-colored eyes. He knew he wouldn't have the strength to kill her. That was fine by me. I did.

I would help Jacob with Edward, then I would handle Bella myself. He'd be guarding her, and Jacob wouldn't be able to kill him alone. Jacob growled with resentment but didn't reject my plan. We both knew the mind reader was tricky.

We strategized. Which of the Cullens posed the greatest threat? Who would attack who? How to separate them? How to get them out in the yard?

_Set the house on fire and kill them as they file out,_ Leah suggested.

_Not bad,_ Sam thought.

_We'll have to keep a perimeter._

_We can't let anyone slip by._

_How do we start the fire?_

_I have matches._

_Oh matches great. That'll only take years._

_You got a better idea?_

_Maybe there's a gas can in the garage?_

Seth pictured the shed in the side yard. He'd noticed it on a patrol with Leah and Kim, long ago. _I bet there are gas cans in there. We can carry them over._

_Good. That's good._

The plan materialized in our minds, clearer and clearer. The house loomed in the distance, tall and stately. Silent. Seth was about to phase back. He'd been volunteered for the task of starting the fire. We would all be covering him. Then the door opened and all our plans scattered like leaves in the wind.

We watched in shock as the door swung open, and Doctor Fang's wife leaned out through the doorway.

_Mrs. Fangs?_ Thought Embry.

"It's alright!" She called out to us. I tried to make sense of her expression. It took me a moment to place it, but her expression reminded me of Emily's earlier, when she offered to watch Kim. Her eyes were pulled down at the corners with something that looked almost like… sympathy. "She's alright! She's inside." Then she leaned back inside. "The boys are here!" She spoke at a normal volume, but we had no trouble making out her words.

"That was fast," someone mumbled from inside the house, Jasper or Emmett maybe.

"Will she be ok, do you think?" Esme asked, leaning inside. "Ok." She leaned back outside to speak to us. "You guys can come in! She's right inside!"

None of us moved, frozen by shock, expecting a trap.

_Does she mean Bella?_ Jacob asked, more to himself than anyone else. His heart swelled with cautious hope. _Does that mean..._

_How did they know we were coming?_

Edward appeared at the door, shouldering past Mrs. Fangs. He leaned against the post beside the door. "There's been a misunderstanding," he said, his expression harsh. "Bella has not killed anyone. She hasn't been out of our sight since she turned, and she hasn't been anywhere _near_ your land. Do you _really_ think I would allow that to happen?"

We all braced against the wave of Jacob's pain. In spite of the certainty he exuded in getting us here, he still clung to a shred of hope that somehow she was still human, and losing that hope crushed him. The rest of us were frozen.

_What do we do?_

_We need to get inside,_ Sam insisted. _We have to know for sure whether Bella killed the naturalist._

_What if it's a trap?_

_Maybe we should all go? We can phase quick if things get dicey._

"It's not a trap," Edward said, eyes rolling. He turned and stepped back inside. Mrs. Fangs followed, eyes wide, leaving the door ajar behind her.

_I didn't bring any clothes._

_Me neither._

_What if it is a trap though? I mean he said it wasn't, but wouldn't he also say that if it_ was _a trap?_

_Good point._

Emmett appeared at the doorway with a stuffed duffle bag slung over his shoulder. He hurled it at the tree-line where we stood. Embry pulled the zipper open with his teeth. It was filled with clothing.

_Ugh seriously?_

_Freaky, dealing with a mind reader._

_We're all mind readers._

_Not leeches though._

_This stuff reeks!_

The clothes had clearly been worn before. We phased back and got dressed, breathing through our teeth to minimize the smell. Most of us opted for shorts only, not wanting more of the reeking clothing touching our skin than strictly necessary. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. It was hard to come to terms with how much the plan had changed in such a short span of time. Now, we were walking straight into danger, half naked and fully vulnerable.

"You don't have to come," Sam said, his hand on Jacob's shoulder.

"Yes I do."

We crossed the yard and filed into the house. No one was waiting by the door. The Cullens were all in the living room. Jacob stiffened when he met Bella's eyes. She stood at the opposite side of the room, perfectly still behind Jasper and Alice. Her skin was the same, faintly gleaming white as any leech's, her features subtly shifted to new, model-like proportions, her posture statuesque. The most eerie difference was her eyes, bright red and slightly narrowed. She glared at Jacob, all vulnerability and humanity forever gone from her gaze.

Jacob made a soft sound, probably involuntarily, and in response Bella's lip curled up on one side in a frightening grimace. I was so disturbed by the sight of her, I didn't even notice that it was strange that Edward was not beside her, standing by Jasper and Alice. That Bella's eyes were pulled away from us, as if something else in the room was causing her much more stress than an entire pack of her mortal enemies. I followed the line of her sight and almost collapsed.

"Jared," Edward said, nodding to me in a cold greeting. He was sitting on the sofa next to Kim, one arm resting on the back of the couch behind her, one deadly hand lying inches from her neck. I started to shake. How-why was she here? What had they done? How had they slipped by us, gotten to Emily's, and gotten her back here?

"She walked right into the house a few minutes before you got here," Edward said, coolly. I couldn't breathe. He was close enough to snap her neck with one flick of his wrist. I was only steps away, but I wasn't close enough. He'd read our minds. He knew we were here to kill his soulmate, and now he was going to kill mine. I don't know how I stayed on my feet.

_Please._ I didn't want to beg out loud but I would if I had to. The rest of the pack stared in stunned silence.

Edward softened. "I'm not going to hurt her."

Kim did not seem concerned about any of this, immune to the growing tension in the room. She licked away at a popsicle and didn't seem to notice that it was melting, purple syrup running down her bare arm and dripping from her elbow onto the white sofa. The Cullens didn't seem to care. Where had she gotten it? Why did the leeches have popsicles?

"Please step away from her," I asked, voice shaking. Edward obliged, standing up slowly. Doctor Fang stepped back too. I let out a shuddering breath of relief and closed the distance between us, stepping between her and the leeches. I felt the pack relax around me.

"Why didn't you tell me it was this bad?" Doctor Fangs asked.

"Can you fix her?" I asked, voice too dull to sound like a question.

"I-I don't know," he said. "Is she always like this or-"

"It's always like this."

Carlisle knelt in front of her trying to get her to follow his finger with her eyes. She glanced at him for a moment but was mostly absorbed in a popsicle she was eating. He sighed.

"Satisfied?" An unfamiliar voice asked from the other side of the room. I reluctantly turned to see who was speaking and realized that the cold, musical voice was Bella's. Everything about her was different. It shouldn't have surprised us that her voice would be different too.

"Yes," Sam said. Her scent must not have matched. "I'm… so sorry."

Jacob turned and stormed out of the room, looking nauseous. Bella's eyes followed him, remorseless. No one else moved, except for Kim, who kept licking her popsicle. Maybe that's what broke the spell, because after a moment, Sam began explaining the misunderstanding. _Yes, someone was killed on our land. No, the Cullens had not seen anything new. No, they didn't have visitors_. I tuned him out.

The Cullens let us go. "We understand," Doctor Fangs said, eyes tight with sympathy which I couldn't tell if it was genuine or forced. Mrs. Fangs held the door for us. I grabbed Kim's free hand and towed her from the room. When we were halfway across the lawn Kim bit the stained popsicle stick in half, frowned at the pieces, and dropped them in the yard one at a time. I wondered why she did that. I froze. I had desperately wanted to see into her mind, but I'd given up on that idea when I wasn't able to get her to phase. I looked back at the looming white house, realizing I didn't really _need_ to see into her mind, I just needed to know that she had one.

I felt the eyes of my brothers on my back as I turned back to the looming house, towing Kim along beside me, but no one stopped me. I stepped up on the porch, trying to plan what to say when the door swung open.

"Jared," Edward said, looking up at me. I couldn't make sense of his expression, of the gentleness I saw there. "Why don't you come inside?"

"I'm fine here." I cleared my throat. "So you-you can read minds, right?" Edward nodded, eyes guarded. "Can you tell me what she's thinking?"

Edward frowned and shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"Please." I started to shake. "I just-" I was not accustomed to begging bloodsuckers for favors. It turned my stomach. "I don't really care what she's thinking about I just-" I swallowed, trying to force the emotion out of my voice. "Does she know I'm here? Does she-"

"I don't know," Edward said, softly. "I can't hear her. But just because I can't hear her thoughts doesn't mean she isn't thinking. I've never been able to hear Bella's thoughts, even now."

"You-you can't hear her at all? But, you heard Kim's thoughts… before right?" I looked at her glassy eyes. "The whole time she was here, you-you didn't hear anything?" Edward shook his head. "Can you try to hear her now? I-I can wait, please if-if you can just try-"

Edward was still shaking his head, his pained expression blurring as tears welled in my eyes. "It doesn't work like that. It's not a question of effort. I'm so sorry." It almost made it worse that he seemed genuinely sorry.

I knew I should say something but words wouldn't come. I had to get out of here. It was bad enough feeling the pity of my brothers. It was worse getting it from leeches, especially the one who did this to her. I turned away, probably too fast because Kim tripped. I tugged her arm up before she could hit the ground, but her eyes still widened. I wanted to think that meant something that she was still scared of falling, but I had no way of knowing. Apparently, no one did. I picked her up, carrying her the rest of the way across the lawn, and the usual, glassy-eyed indifference settled back over her face like a mask. She didn't put her arms around me; they hung limp at her sides. When I reached the border, Sam and Emily were waiting for me in their car. I helped Kim into the backseat and climbed in after her. Sam started the car.

"Jared, I'm so sorry!" Emily sounded close to tears.

"It's ok."

"I just went to the bathroom for a minute," Emily said, wringing her hands. "I thought she'd be fine, but when I came out she was gone. The door was open and she left the candy on the table. I looked for her but I didn't see her anywhere. I'm so sorry!"

"It's ok."

"No harm done really," Sam said, sighing, putting a free hand on Emily's shoulder. "If Kim wasn't there, they wouldn't have seen us coming, and things...things could've gotten ugly. We were wrong about Bella."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. It felt ridiculous to search for a silver lining on such a shit day. Emily tried to invite me in when we got back to their house. I told her I was tired. I tried to ignore Sam and Emily as they watched me, faces pinched with concern as I loaded Kim into my dad's truck and drove away. I started shaking as soon as I pulled out of the drive. The tears came halfway through the trip. Luckily, Kim's mom was sound asleep when we got back. The TV was off this time. Perhaps she had stopped caring enough to pretend she was watching it. I carried Kim up to her bedroom and sat her down on the bed. She stared in the general direction of her closet, dark eyes vacant.

"Kim? Kim?" I sat next to her on the bed and put my hands on either side of her face and turned her to face me. "Kim?" She wouldn't look at me. Her eyes were trained downward now. "Please." I swallowed. "Please just give me a sign, ok? Anything. Just-please, I just need to know if you can hear me. If you're in there." She didn't move. Not even her eyes. "Please? _Please_."

I searched her face for any signs of awareness. The longer I waited the more I heard the echoes of others' words in my head. The words were so vivid in my mind that it almost felt like I was hearing them in real time, the way I heard words from my pack members when we ran together, instead of just recalling words from memory.

_It sounded like she just wanted a way out, you know? Maybe she found a way out and took it?_

_I can't hear her. It's not a question of effort. I'm so sorry._

_Just a husk of a girl now, really. I don't know why you kids all insist on playing dress-up with that body as if my daughter is still inside. That's not my daughter. She's gone. There's no one inside that dead-eyed, walking shell._

I laid her down on the bed and wrapped my arms around her, sobbing into her back. This time I didn't bother to stay quiet. There was no one around to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Six chapters left. Thank you for reading and for all of you're comments! I appreciate you all!


	35. Wayward Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Lunar New Year and Happy Valentine's Day! For those of you who are feeling festive and looking for a cutesy Valentine's chapter… Well this here ain't it. Sorry all. Maybe reread Chapter 10 instead? Or Chapter 17? Or if Galentine's Day is your jam maybe reread Chapter 20? You can come back and tackle this one later. I didn't plan this by the way. This particular chapter just happened to fall on Valentine's Day by sheer, ironic twist of fate. Though if any of you really hate Valentine's day, maybe it's perfect? Anyway thank you all for reading and commenting! I love reading your reactions and predictions. We're nearing the end and it's been a ride!

"Relax. I'm just here to talk."

_Bullshit,_ Paul thought, wrinkling his nose against the smell.

Bella stood on her side of the border, perfectly still except for her bright red eyes, which darted from Sam, to Leah, to me. I shuddered when our eyes met. When she looked at Jacob, there was just the faintest movement on her otherwise expressionless face, just the slightest admission of pain, but a fleeting one that was gone before we knew if it was real or not. Jacob's misery drowned out almost everything else. He wanted to tear his eyes away from her, to keep the memory of her as a human in his mind, but he couldn't seem to. He stared at her even though it caused him pain, like he was staring into the sun, or at a star as it died.

"We're leaving." Her voice was cold and hard. "Something is happening to Alice. Some...fissures have been widening in her vision. She's seeing less and less, and she can't see anything at all after the next six days. The others think you are planning on launching an attack. They-they wouldn't approve of me being here, but I had to come, in case they were wrong." Her eyes drifted towards the trees. "If you were planning on attacking us, just know that it's not necessary anymore. If not, well, just be careful, ok? If Alice's vision is disappearing for a different reason, it probably means something bad is coming."

I almost sighed. Something bad was already here. How did the Cullens not know?

"I know you probably don't want to hear my advice-"

_No shit, bloodsucker,_ Leah thought, a growl tugging at her lip, exposing her teeth.

"-but you might want to run while you can. Take what you can, and who you can, and get out of town."

Sam laughed at her absurd words, though this too manifested as a growl. He wasn't the only one laughing. I was baffled by how easy it was for her to tune out the rest of the world. I wondered how it was possible to have senses as strong as a bloodsucker's, and still be able to turn a blind eye to everyone's lives but your own. To have no connection at all to a place. No loyalties. To be able to shrug off any obligations that aren't to yourself. I growled too.

"Just thought you had a right to know." She glanced at Jacob one last time, and this time the pain on her face was plain and lasting. "Bye," she said, just to Jacob, her voice barely above a whisper. She turned and ran, disappearing in an instant without a sound. Jacob whimpered. The rest of us sighed. Usually his pain would have affected us more, but now we were too worn to feel much sympathy. Tempers were short and tension was high. And now we had twice as much land to watch.

_Do the Cullens really not know what's happening?_ Quil asked. _What rock were they living under?_

_What coffins are they sleeping in?_ Embry joked.

Quil yawned. _Sleep. Remember what that was like?_

The pack was running ragged. Three more people had been killed in La Push after Lydia. Two hikers, tourists whose scents we did not recognize, and Natalie, a girl in Seth's year at school. We'd found her bike deep in the woods, reeking of leech, with some of her blood staining the streamers that trailed from the handles. Leah had spotted her mom, crying as she affixed fliers onto telephone poles and store windows. Natalie smiled in the grainy photos above the word MISSING. Only the pack and the council knew that she would never be found.

New vampire scents were appearing. We'd counted four. They kept managing to slip by us. We eventually realized that they'd been driving in and out. We ran nearly constant patrols around the border and never once crossed a scent trail, but they cropped up at odd places in town, at trailheads and municipal buildings. They were right under our noses and somehow always just out of our grasp.

Sam probably would have had us run nonstop if he could. We only breaked for food and sleep. Emily cooked constantly and we filed in and out of her house, one at a time, never staying for more than fifteen minutes. Sometimes we slept as wolves. It really wasn't worth phasing back when you were only given an hour to rest at a time.

Jacob and I had almost gotten used to being the miserable ones, but now everyone was miserable, frustrated by our lack of progress and wondering how much longer we could keep this pace. Kim's condition weighed on me most, but Quil was starting to lose hope, and Leah was really feeling her absence. And somehow, in spite of her never once expressing any thoughts or emotions, Kim seemed to be getting restless.

I'd been sleep deprived even before Sam ramped up the shifts, because whenever I would drift off with Kim in my arms, she would slip out and sneak off. I would wake up, heart racing when she wasn't with me in the bed. Then, I would phase and track her down. Last week, I found her eating chips at Sue's corner store around three am. We never figured out how she got inside. The front and back doors were still locked when I got there, and the windows were far too narrow for someone to crawl through, so I had to get Leah to borrow her mom's keys. The next night, I found her in Forks, in the woods outside Bella's house, even though Bella wasn't living there anymore. She was sitting on the same stump that she had sat on during her solo stakeout, staring up at her dark window. There were tears on her face and I might never know why. The night after, I found her in Canada over two hundred miles north of La Push. She couldn't be left alone, even for a second.

When Sam increased the shifts, he helped me recruit Emily to help. Her house had become our unofficial base of operations. She had help from Sue, Billy, Quil's parents, and now Rachel, who was home from college and had recently rocked Paul's world. Now that Paul had imprinted, Rachel was in on the secret, and Paul was constantly distracted, either complaining that he couldn't spend more time with her, or rehearsing what to say and do to impress her in the fifteen minutes he was permitted to see her as he ate his meals. Sam sometimes told him to focus, but not often. It seemed Paul was the only one among us capable of optimism right now, and most often, we welcomed the distraction.

Even Emily, Rachel, Sue, Quil, Tina, and Billy were wearing down, as they took turns watching Kim and cooking enough food to feed our tiny army. They were stir crazy. We didn't want them going outside. The thought of losing one of them was too much to bear.

_So what do we do?_ Seth asked, mulling on Bella's warning to get out of town.

_We stay,_ Sam thought. _We have an obligation that comes with our powers._

_Protect the tribe,_ a few of us echoed, though with far less energy than usual.

_What if it's more than vampires?_ Seth wondered, mostly to himself.

_More?_ Embry asked. Seth tried not to let on how much Bella's words scared him. None of us held it against him. What was scarier than an ominous prophecy delivered by a literal monster? Jacob cringed at my thoughts.

_I think it's your turn to grab food, Jared,_ Sam thought, trying to keep the peace.

_Ok._ I ran toward Sam and Emily's house, trying not to compare Kim and Bella, or my situation with Jacob's. At least Kim wasn't a bloodsucker. Jacob howled. _Sorry._ I was relieved when I was close enough to the house to phase back, for the few precious minutes I would have my mind to myself.

"Sorry, I'm falling behind!" Emily called from the kitchen. "PB and J ok?"

"Anything!" I called back. I was distracted by Rachel who clung to one of Kim's wrists, and Kim who was struggling against her grip. I sat down on the couch next to them and pulled Kim into my lap, wrapping my arms around her. "Kim? Kim?" She kept struggling for a moment, then gradually fell still.

Rachel sighed. She looked almost as tired as I felt. "She keeps trying to go outside."

"Food isn't distracting her?"

"She won't eat."

That was concerning but not new. It was getting harder and harder to get her to eat. "Is it just you and Emily today? Where are Billy and Sue? And Quil and Tina?"

"The council is a little preoccupied right now."

I frowned. "With what?"

"You didn't hear?" Rachel asked.

"Hear what?"

"Have you heard of the company Crimson?" Rachel asked. I froze. We had researched Crimson early on, after the woman at the courthouse told us the mystery bloodsucker had claimed she worked there. It seemed like a normal energy company. We'd assumed it was a cover. Rachel did not notice my apprehension. "Word is they want to drill around here. They pulled some documents from the courthouse and applied for an easement over land that, according to them, isn't documented." Rachel rolled her eyes and then glanced at me. "I know right? Total bullshit. The council is planning on suing."

"They-the council is meeting with Crimson?"

"That's what Sue said."

"Where?"

"They didn't say." Rachel frowned. "Jesus, are you ok?"

"I have to go." I set Kim down next to Rachel, who watched me, eyes wide. "Watch her? Please."

I ran out the door and phased as soon as I was past the tree line. _We have a problem,_ I thought. I replayed the conversation I'd just had with Rachel.

_Shit!_

_Where are they meeting?_

_She said she didn't know,_ I answered. _Why would the council meet with them? Did you tell them about the bloodsucker in the library and the courthouse?_

_Of course I did,_ Sam snapped.

_And you mentioned Crimson?_

_I-I may have forgotten-_

_How could you forget?!_

_Guys!_ Quil snapped. _We have to find them now!_

We were already running, but now we were thinking about strategy. Quil, Leah, Seth, and Jacob wanted to split up. Their parents were on the council. Sam wouldn't let them though. There were at least four leeches. Splitting up was too risky. We ran the loop around town, investigating all the most likely places. Leah's frustration at our pace was palpable, but Sam wouldn't let her run ahead. We grew more nervous as the buildings we were checking were empty.

_What if they're meeting off the Rez?_

_How will we find them then?_

Eventually the combined stench of the four bloodsuckers we'd been tracking assaulted our senses. I felt a growing excitement at the thought of a concrete problem that I could fight through, but my excitement vanished when I realized where we were.

_Why are they meeting in the school?_

Leah crept around the back of the building, ignoring Sam's plea for caution. The rest of us stayed crouched in the trees. Leah peaked through the window into the atrium, and all of our hearts sank at once as we saw through her eyes. The room was packed. There were folding chairs set up filling the bulk of the space, but more people stood around the edges of the room, leaning against the walls. There were kids in the room too, some sitting on the floor. Leah spotted her mother sitting at the front of the room. The long, brown haired leech that had evaded us so long sat right next to her. She did look like Bella. Three other leeches sat with her, all men. Billy and Quil's father, mother, and grandfather all sat at the same table. Their eyes were wide with terror.

_We have to get in there!_ Leah's words were as close as thoughts get to screaming.

_No!_ Sam ordered. _It's too risky._

_Risky?!_ Quil wailed. _My parents are in there!_

Sam was right. Innocent humans that we had sworn to protect were packed in there, shoulder to shoulder with ruthless monsters. We had no way of taking out the bloodsuckers inside without risking the lives of our people. Our hands were tied.

_Leah, see if you can hear what they are saying,_ I asked.

_Stay out of sight though,_ Sam cautioned.

She ducked low beneath the window, perking her ears.

"Of course safety is the number one priority," a cold, clear voice said. It probably belonged to one of the male leeches. "We will meticulously follow all state and national regulations."

"What if there's a spill?" A woman asked. It sounded like Mrs. Gibson, one of the teachers at school. "What then?"

"Then we will clean it," the same bloodsucker said. I could almost picture him smiling at the crowd like some kind of a smarmy, used-car salesman. "And economic retributions will be issued to anyone affected."

"What does that mean?" This questioner sounded young.

"It means you will be paid," a clear, female voice said. Jacob shuddered beside me. We guessed that it was the brown haired leech. Her voice was cold and clear, like a leech, but at least that was distinct from Bella's. It was deep for a woman. There was a rumble of chatter following that remark, most of which sounded positive. I gritted my teeth.

"Why was the tribe not consulted when you were running your initial surveys?" Mrs. Gibson asked.

"The initial surveys were just to test the potential of the project," the smarmy leech said. "We have full intention of consulting the tribe before plans are finalized."

"That's good to hear," Mrs. Gibson said. "Because currently you've marked off _multiple_ sacred and historical sites for construction." A lot of chatter followed this comment too, sounding angry this time. It died down slowly.

"We were not aware of this fact," the female said, deep voice level and almost soothing. None of us were fooled. "We will not destroy any sacred or historical sites. Any plans that we make will be signed off on by community members, or they will be changed until an agreement can be reached." The room fell silent. Leah perked her ears and glanced up at the window, wondering if she should chance another look, but the female continued talking.

"What we are trying to offer here is an incredible economic opportunity. This project will produce several, high-paying jobs. Additionally, we at Crimson believe in investing in local communities and intend to continue that practice here in La Push. The benefits are numerous and concrete."

"What about the risks?" Mrs. Gibson asked.

It went back and forth like this for a while. The leeches kept toting the economic prospects. Mrs. Gibson was the most vocal dissenter, though there were several others. Sue, Quil, Tina, and Billy were all silent, probably because they were the only ones who knew what was in the room with them. When it looked like the meeting was drawing to a close, Leah crept away from the building and joined us to watch from the woods. The sun was starting to set.

_What now?_

_Should we follow the leeches?_ They stepped out into the light rain along with the rest of the town. A blonde leech who was built like a football player, who I guessed was the smarmy, car-salesman type voice, reached out to shake Sue's hand, smiling. She took his hand tentatively, though her eyes were wide and her lips were thin.

_Mom!_ Seth's thoughts were broken with panic. He nearly whined but Sam shushed him. We all sighed with relief when the leech dropped her hand. The leeches climbed into two cars, a white Mercedes and a silver Tesla.

_Typical,_ Paul thought. We memorized the license plates and followed the cars carefully from behind the treeline, but lost them when they reached the highway.

_What do we do?_ Jacob asked.

_Kill them,_ Paul thought.

_Yeah no shit,_ Jacob thought. _How?_

_How about a trap?_ A plan was materializing in Leah's mind.

_Not bad._

_Will it work?_

_Worth a shot._

_I don't understand how this is happening,_ Quil thought, shaking his head, trying to forget the fear of seeing his parents feet away from the leeches. _Or why this is happening. Why would a bloodsucker want an oil well? Or money, even?_

_I don't know. The Cullens always seemed to have unlimited money._

_Money's never unlimited,_ Jacob thought. _The more you have the more you want. It's the same way with blood for them._ He was remembering something Bella told him. When Jasper was explaining newborn armies to her he talked about the greed of it. The gluttony. The more turf a bloodsucker had the more they could feed. It was an addiction. It was human nature to want more money than you could ever spend, and bloodsucker-nature to want more blood than they could drink. The blurred lines were so unsettling I tried to push them out of my mind. We all shuddered as we ran.

_So they're staking out La Push?_ Embry asked. _As their territory?_ We all growled.

_It looks like they already have,_ Seth thought, miserable. He was thinking about Natalie. He didn't know her well, but one time when they were in second grade, she split her sandwich with him when he forgot his lunch.

_We_ will _kill them,_ Sam thought, resolute. _Leah's plan is a good one. We will have a council meeting at my house. Quil, Seth, Leah, Jacob, make sure that your parents get there safe. The rest of you, come with me._

We followed Sam to his house. Inside, Emily and Rachel sat on the little yellow couch on either side of Kim. They each held one of her arms down as she wrestled against them, so violently that she made little grunting sounds. Sam was already there, trying to help. I managed to get my arms around her. She kicked my shins a few times as she tried to break my grip, but eventually she settled. Sam watched us, face pinched with concern. I met his eyes. Kim was getting worse. It wasn't really fair to make the others keep watching her but I didn't know what else to do. Every time I would loosen my grip a bit she would start struggling again. I thought about when she first joined the pack, and I would wrestle with her and pin her little body beneath mine as she slowly gained control over her powers. It was teasing then, fun even, but everything was different now. I clung to her, as if I was clinging to a wayward star that didn't even know it ruled my life, wanting only to shoot across the sky.

The senior council members filed in one by one. Billy noticed Kim struggling in my arms and put a hand on each of our shoulders. Sam asked if everyone was ok. Tina started to cry. Quil looked away.

"We have a plan," Sam said. "Leah came up with an idea. Do any of you happen to have any way of contacting any of the leeches?"

Sue pulled out a business card which was branded with the crescent moon logo for Crimson. "The blond one gave me this."

"Great. Thank you Sue." Sam squinted at the card and his mouth fell open. "His name is Chris Columbus?!" Embry peered over his shoulder and laughed, a slightly hysterical sound. I shook my head at the irony, which Kim must have perceived as a sign of weakness, because she stomped on my foot and tried to squirm out of my arms. "The plan is for one of you to call the bloodsuckers and request a meeting. Tomorrow if possible. It can be about the project plan. You can say that you have a map of sacred sites that you can show them, but you say you can only show them in person. Don't take no for an answer. We'll be waiting to ambush them." They were silent.

"I'll do it," Billy eventually offered. Sam nodded.

"We-it will be suspicious won't it?" Tina asked. "If they all disappear right after announcing this… mining plan?"

Sam heaved a sigh. "We don't have a choice. We'll have to address that later. Come up with a plan… No one will be able to trace it anyways. There won't be bodies to find." Quil and Sue nodded in agreement.

"Tomorrow," Billy said. "First thing. Where should I tell them to come?"

"Your house would work," Sam said. "Or mine. We can put the girls somewhere else for the day." Paul nodded, looking more serious than he ever had before, while Leah rolled her eyes so emphatically that I thought they would pop out of her head. Kim would have rolled her eyes too, if she could hear. Actually Kim would probably perform a little alpha-impersonation: _hide your women and grab your pitchforks and torches! The devil's a comin!_ And Sam would have been mortified, playing it over in his head for weeks. Instead she sat trapped in my arms, feebly trying to get free.

"My house works," Billy said.

"Alright," Sam said. "We'll lighten patrols tonight so we can catch up on sleep a bit. We can run in pairs. I'll take the first shift. Who's with me." No one met his eyes. "Seth? Do you think you can run for a little more?"

"I'm not missing tomorrow!" Seth said. "I'm the only one who hasn't gotten to fight yet!"

"You'll be there tomorrow, I'm just asking if you can also help tonight."

"Oh. Yes." Seth looked up at Sam, eyes shining.

"Thank you. Who will lead the second shift?" There was another long pause.

"Midnight?" Jacob asked. "I'll do it."

"Good. Who's with Jacob." Everyone avoided Sam's eyes like before. He sighed. "Come on, it's like I'm pulling teeth."

"I'll go," Leah said.

"Thank you." Sam said. "Seth you're with me, everyone else, sleep with your window open. Come if you hear howling. Otherwise we'll meet up at dawn."

We filed out one by one. Emily turned to me. "Can you take her tonight?" She asked. "I-I'm not strong enough to hold her on my own and…" she trailed off and looked around the room. Everyone looked exhausted.

I nodded. "Yeah I've got her," I said. "Thanks for everything, Emily."

It was a wrestling match, trying to get Kim into the car. Twice she unbuckled herself, got out of the car, and started to run before I could get in the driver side. In the end, Quil had to hold her down while I got in the driver's seat. I drove with my left hand only, using my right hand to hold the seatbelt down. She fought me the whole way, nails scratching away at my arms.

I called out to my parents when I got home, but no one answered. I found a note they'd left on the counter. They were out of town for the weekend. I'd forgotten. I swore. I was hoping to recruit them for help so I could get a few hours of sleep.

I tried to get Kim to eat. I opened a yogurt cup and tried to spoon some in her mouth, but she wouldn't unclench her jaw, or stop fighting me, so I gave up. I was so frustrated I started to shake for a minute, but I was so tired that the shaking stopped on its own without any effort on my part. I took Kim up to my room and shoved my dresser in front of the door, barricading ourselves inside. Remembering Sam's order, I opened the window, just a crack. I locked it there, so it wouldn't open further. Finally, I put Kim on the bed and wrapped my arms around her. She wouldn't stop squirming.

"Go to sleep," I begged. "Please? Kim, go to sleep." I stroked her hair. Eventually she slowed down. "Good. Good job, Kim, go to sleep."

I tried to force myself to keep my eyes open. When that became too hard, I let them close, just for a few seconds at a time. Every time she moved my eyes snapped open again, just for a second before they drifted shut again.

Then there was a dull grating sound. I woke with a start, panicking when I found my bed empty, but then I saw Kim on the other side of the room, tugging at the dresser. She wailed when I grabbed her, just one soft sound, before I had her back in the bed again.

"Please go to sleep," I begged. Eventually she stopped squirming. Her eyes fell shut.

The next thing I remember was another flash of panic at finding my bed empty once more. I swore. I must have fallen asleep. I sat up, looking in shock at the open bedroom door. What confused me most was that the dresser wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere in my room. The clothes that had been inside it were strewn around the floor. _How?_ I didn't stop to think about it. I just sprinted out of the room, phasing as soon as I stepped outside. I followed her freshest scent. She was headed towards the beach.

_Everything ok?_ Sam asked. He and Seth were on the far side of the outer perimeter past the Cullen's place.

_Fell asleep,_ I winced. _It's ok, I'll find her._ I tried to ignore Sam's pity. I'd felt enough of the pack's pity lately.

_Sorry,_ Sam thought. _Let me know if you need help._

Kim's trail led straight through the woods and out onto the rocky shore. Straight into the water. I sniffed around the spot where the scent trail met the sea, not quite grasping what I was seeing. I looked out over the waves but couldn't see her anywhere. I stood frozen for a moment, then raced down the shoreline, looking for another scent trail to mark where she left the sea. I doubled back up, to check the other side. Then I doubled back again, running several miles south, then several miles north of where she'd entered the water.

Sam and Seth cut away from their path around the border, running for the beach to help. We combed the beaches for an hour, covering hundreds of miles. As far as we ran, we couldn't find a path where she left the sea. Frustration gave way to panic.

Each time I turned I tried to imagine where we would find her next, in Sue's corner store, in the Cullen's crypt, or somewhere in Canada, but the images were hard to conjure. She'd been restless. And I'd been trying very hard not to imagine what she might be restless for.

The next time I crossed her trail, the one that led resolutely into the waves, I followed it directly into the sea. Before the waves reached my chest, the pain pulled me under. One moment, I vaguely heard Sam's thoughts over my own fear, the reassuring thoughts he'd conjured that he didn't even believe. The next moment, I was human and alone.

I was used to being overwhelmed by anger and exploding into a wolf each time. It had been happening less and less since I first joined the pack almost four years ago. But this was the first time I'd felt the opposite, an overwhelming despair, so powerful that it drowned out all other emotions so fully that there was no room for anger. It was the kind of grief only humans could feel.

Before, I was never jealous of what Sam had. I never craved a relationship like the one he had with Emily, not that I had objected to the idea, I just never made a habit of thinking about the future. That changed when I saw Kim on the beach that first time, as she watched me, wary but curious from across the fire. I started thinking about the future then, dreaming up detailed fantasies that Paul teased me for. Long walks on the beach. Sex. Dates, romantic and casual. And then the fantasies became more elaborate. A wedding on a beach. Toddlers playing on this same beach. I knew at that point that everything had changed. I knew then that I would follow her forever, anywhere I could.

I couldn't follow her here. I stepped out of the waves.

Kim never really was mine. I'd never really caught up to her. She was always just out of reach, just over an arm's length away. Maybe I'd been losing her slowly, bit by bit since the day we met two years ago on this same beach. Kim used to tease me for believing in destiny. It sounded hokey, sure, but I never backed down. I told her we were destined to be together forever. But maybe I was only destined to suffer.

I wandered back and stood at the point where the last trace of her disappeared, failing to grapple with what I'd lost, too numb to shake or scream. The remnants of hope I clung to shuddered and died as I searched for her in the waves. There was nothing in the water, no head peaking out above the waves. No trace, fragment, or memory. I'd have as much luck searching for her in the stars.


	36. Blood and Oil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Graphic violence and death.

" _I'm not saying we don't have choices," I said. "I'm just saying some big things have to be kind of… predetermined."_

" _Like destiny?" Kim smiled and rolled her eyes. I wasn't about to let on that that hurt. We'd started the conversation by talking about imprinting, and then she wanted to turn it into a philosophy debate. I was just excited to be walking with her on the beach again, holding hands instead of throwing rocks. She'd kissed me for the first time yesterday. It was totally out of the blue. We'd just been hanging out in my room and I was worried that she was upset about something, worried I'd messed up, but then her lips were on mine, warm and hungry. I'd been replaying it in my mind ever since. I wanted to kiss her again but she was dead set on having her debate, probably because she knew she could win when I was distracted._

" _Or like fate, I guess?"_

_Kim laughed. "Aren't those the same?"_

_I frowned trying to come up with a decent response. "I guess I-I kind of have to believe it. I'd never even seen you before the bonfire. And then as soon as I did… I just knew that we're supposed to be together. What could that be if it's not destiny?"_

_I was nervous, as I always was when I talked about my feelings for her. I never knew how she would take it. I didn't want to scare her off. Kim looked very serious, eyes narrowed as she appraised me. "Pheromones."_

" _What?" I'd never even heard that word before, not that I would be admitting that._

" _It makes the most sense. Lots of animals rely on pheromones when selecting mates," she said, nodding. She walked onward, towing me along with her. I followed her in a stupor, somewhere between offended and confused. "Including humans, though for humans, the response is usually pretty weak. But even for humans there is a small bit of relationship chemistry that's actually… chemistry-chemistry. But you have like, super senses, right?" She looked up at me, probably for confirmation, but I was too lost to respond. She nodded anyway. "It would make sense for you to make super connections. To be really selective when it comes to mates. And I can tell you with complete confidence that I am top-notch, so it checks out."_

" _I don't think so," I said. She glared at me. I grinned. "Not about you being top-notch. That definitely checks out." She smiled again, appeased. "I just, I feel like this has to be about more than... finding a-a mate or whatever." My face started to feel hot as I said it. "I think it's more like finding someone who makes you stronger than you could be on your own. Like someone who ties you down and motivates you to use your powers for good. Someone you're supposed to protect."_

_She looked at me, dark eyes wide, and for a moment I thought I'd convinced her. Then her eyes narrowed again. "I don't buy it."_

" _What?" I sighed, annoyed. I'd shared something pretty personal._

" _I don't believe in destiny."_

" _Oh come on!" I said. "You have to believe that some things happen for a reason."_

" _I believe in making choices for a reason," she said. "Our choices are the only thing we can control. Everything else is just chance. What else could it be? Destiny is just a ploy people use to feel like they've earned good things that have come their way. Like 'no, I'm not lucky, it's fate that I was born rich.' It's really unfair."_

" _Unfair?"_

" _Yeah, because how are unlucky people supposed to feel?!" She kicked a rock with so much intensity that she grunted. I stifled laughter at her sudden change of temper. Who hurt this girl? "When bad things happen, do you think that's destiny too? Would you want someone with like, a chronic level of bad luck-someone who bad things just keep happening to over and over and over-feel like it's because they're destined to suffer?"_

_I heard barking in the distance. I ignored it, not wanting to take my eyes off of Kim. But then, without warning, tears welled in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks._

" _No, no. Kim, don't cry," I pleaded softly. "What did I say?" She shook her head. Her hair was short and choppy. I just noticed. I remembered that I was there when she cut it. I remembered tucking it behind her ears when it was long, smoothing it flat when it was short. Over and over. But somehow, yesterday was our first kiss. The barking grew louder. "Why are you crying?"_

" _Because this isn't real." Her face crumpled. She sniffed loudly and looked out over the waves and then back at me. Her voice was soft. "You're dreaming. And I'm gone."_

_I shook my head, not understanding her words until I reached out to touch her face, right under her eyes where the tears flowed. My breath caught as my fingers grazed her skin and her cheek melted away into smoke under my hands._

* * *

My eyes snapped open to the sounds of waves and furious barking. I sat up shaking the sand out of my hair. _Had I fainted on the beach?_ Sam stood in front of me in wolf form. I met his eyes but couldn't read his expression. He probably understood mine. I wanted to faint again, go back to dreaming, and maybe never wake up, but he barked at me, then turned his nose inland, whining. That was weird. Sam never whined. I followed his gaze to a massive pillar of smoke and fire, illuminating the sky. I tore my eyes away from the fire and looked back out over the ocean, searching the waves. Sam barked again and a shudder rolled through me. I wouldn't have thought orders could work if I couldn't hear the words. I phased.

_Wake the others,_ Sam ordered. I almost ran off, but I realized he meant Seth. He had just woken Embry and was running towards Quil's house.

_What's going on?_ Jacob asked.

_House fire,_ Seth answered.

_It's them,_ Embry thought. _It has to be._

I followed Sam, running towards the fire. Embry was already there, watching the small crowd of onlookers through the trees. _We don't know that,_ Sam thought. It was the Gibson's house. My stomach pitched.

_Do you think they were home?_ I asked.

_I'm pretty sure that was the point,_ Jacob thought. He swore. _Embry, see if you can find a trail._

Embry started running a wide loop around the house. _Here!_ It was a mingled stench, probably all four of them.

_Good!_ Sam thought. _Wait for us there!_

We met up with Embry. Leah was already there and Jacob was right behind.

_Let's go,_ Sam thought. We set off on the trail. Seth ran to follow us. _Not you!_ Sam thought. _Wake Quil, then Paul._

_I don't want to miss anything!_ Seth whined.

_Hurry up then and you won't._

Quil and Paul joined.

_The Gibson's house?_ Quil thought as he phased in. _Shit. Do you think they were home?_

_Yes,_ Jacob growled. Quil quieted. We were still following the trial. They sprinted to catch up.

_No car this time?_

_Too suspicious for the humans maybe?_

_They probably parked farther away._

_Let's hope we catch up to them first._

We crossed the border into Canada. Paul of all people was starting to get nervous.

_Should some of us go back?_ He asked. He pictured Rachel, asleep in Sam and Emily's guest bedroom. Sam started picturing Emily. I tried not to picture Kim because I knew how much it would hurt, but I failed.

_I can take over,_ Jacob offered to Sam. _If you, Paul, and Jared want to get back._

_I'll stay,_ I thought. I didn't want to go back now, maybe ever. I pictured Kim's trail, straight and resolute, into the sea.

_Oh my god,_ Quil gasped.

_No, no,_ Leah thought. All the action had almost managed to distract me, at least to the point where the others couldn't see. Quil and Leah especially grieved alongside me. Jacob empathized. Sam and Paul shied away from my pain, not wanting to ever have to imagine suffering the same fate. I wanted none of it.

_I'm going back now,_ Paul thought. Sam went with him. Jacob took the lead, Leah, Seth, Quil, Embry, and I following.

Soon the trail split into four at once. Jacob swore.

_What do we do?_

_Split up?_

_Too risky,_ Jacob thought. _We'll follow one at a time. No splitting up._

Jacob took off along the rightmost path and we all fell in line behind.

Seth felt uneasy. _Isn't taking them out one at a time risky too?_ _We'll lose the surprise._

_We don't really have a choice,_ Jacob thought. _We don't have an option to wait for the perfect opportunity, and there aren't enough of us. We have to take what we get._

_And if we can get one maybe they'll come for us instead of us coming for them,_ Leah thought. She pictured a pillar of thick, cloying smoke. Once the others saw it, they would want revenge, which would lure them in. There was some excitement at the thought of an all out brawl. A few weeks ago, the fight itself might have excited us. Now, we were just relieved at the thought of it being over and done with. The trail ended when we crossed a road. Cue swearing.

_What now?_

We backtracked and followed the other trails. Each eventually ended in a dead end on a road. We panted, catching our breath at the end of the fourth trail as the dawn sun hit the trees. We'd been running all night.

_We should get back,_ Jacob thought.

We were quiet as we ran to Sam and Emily's. Only Jacob was thinking about strategy, motivated because his father was involved in the plan. The rest of us were just trying to stay awake. Especially Seth. He kept trying to do the math, eventually working out that it had been fifty hours since he'd last slept.

_Jesus,_ Leah thought. _Go home._

_I'm not missing this._

Billy, Sue, and Quil's parents were all at Emily and Sam's. Emily and Rachel passed around plates of eggs and bacon while we talked. Emily frowned at me.

"Where's Kim?" She whispered to Sam. I heard though. He just shook his head. No one else asked. What could they have said anyway?

"Does anyone know if they were home last night?" Rachel asked.

"The Gibsons?"

"They were," Sue said, not meeting anyone's eyes. She didn't even have a plate in front of her, not even going through the pretense of eating. "The twins were home too."

We all looked down. The Gibson twins were three. No one said anything for a while.

"That's why we're doing this," Billy said. "This ends today." We all nodded, numbly. "Should I make the call now?"

"Is it too early?" Tina asked.

Sue scoffed. "Maybe you're a morning person. How would they know?"

Billy dialed and we all listened to it ring, once, twice, three times, when finally someone answered.

"Hello, is this Mr. Columbus?" Billy asked. Somehow, the humor at the ridiculous irony and fear blended into what could be interpreted as conversational ease. "Yes this is Billy Black, we met briefly at the town hall meeting yesterday."

A tinny voice was faintly audible through the phone. "Yes, you can call me Chris though." He chuckled. My skin crawled. "How can I help you, Billy?"

"Actually I was wondering if I might be able to help you," Billy said. "I noticed some concern in yesterday's meeting about sacred and historical sites, and I just remembered that my family has a map that might be useful."

"Really?" the voice said. "That would be excellent. Would you be willing to send along a copy?"

"It's a paper map actually," Billy said. "Hand drawn. Very delicate. And there's some sensitive information that I'm concerned some of the tribe members would not like me sharing. It would be best if you could come by and see it in person."

There was a long pause. I held my breath.

"Certainly," the voice said. "When works for you?"

"Why don't you come by today? I'm free until noon."

"Sure. I'll be there in an hour."

Billy gave his address and hung up. His hands shook as he did, but it was not at all apparent in his voice. Billy should win an Oscar for this.

"Time to go," Sam said. I put my untouched plate of food in the kitchen and then slipped outside, trying not to watch as Sam and Paul said goodbye to Emily and Rachel. It hurt too much. We phased outside and ran to Billy's.

We hid in the woods once we got there, some of us in the trees around the back, some of us across the road. Billy was in the house, but he'd been instructed not to come out unless it was strictly necessary in order to lure the leech out of the car. Waiting was torture. We pressed our stomachs against the ground to keep out of sight. It was so tempting to put my head on my paws, just for a moment, but I worried I would fall asleep if I did.

_Seth?_ Sam asked. _Seth!_

_Hm?_

_Try to stay awake bud._

_Sorry._

After what seemed like hours, but was probably only forty minutes, a white Mercedes pulled up in front of the house. Suddenly all fatigue vanished as we stared at the bloodsucker through the tinted glass.

_Now?_

_On my signal,_ Sam thought.

The bloodsucker stepped out of his car, shut the door behind him, and took a few steps up the front walk.

_Now!_

We all burst from the trees at once, teeth bared and claws ready. It was almost too easy. Almost over too soon to register whether it was real or not. The bloodsucker's mouth fell open when he first saw Sam. He must have been too shocked to run. He didn't even turn in time to see Leah as she lept from behind him, teeth clamping around his neck, tearing his head off in one fluid motion with a loud crack. The rest of us fell on the remainder of the body, tearing and biting whatever was in reach. I ripped off one of his arms at the elbow. Metallic screeching and the panting and growling of the pack assaulted my ears. It was over in seconds. We all carried the pieces into the woods. Seth pouted because he'd only gotten to tear off the bloodsucker's foot. Leah let him carry the head. Embry phased back to build a fire. We piled on the pieces, then backed up as the acrid smoke filled the air.

_Well done everyone,_ Sam thought. _Hopefully the others will come to the smoke._ We hid in the trees again, waiting. The plumes of acrid smoke thinned and thinned. As time stretched on, most of us just felt more tired, but Sam's anxiety grew. _I think we should start making some laps._

Sam's idea was met with silence. No one wanted to expend the energy. Sam started probing, trying to decide who was least tired. _Paul, Embry._ They reluctantly rose and followed Sam away. I watched through their eyes as they ran the outer perimeter several times, fighting to keep my own eyes open and to keep my mind from wandering to painful things. The few embers left weren't even producing smoke anymore. We all wanted to call it, but no one wanted to put the idea into words.

_We can't call it,_ Sam thought, firm. _Once they find out their friend is missing they will come to investigate and we need to be ready._

_Did they even know where he was headed?_ Quil asked, gaze trained on what remained of the fire. _How are they going to find him?_

Embarrassed, Sam admitted he hadn't considered that. None of us were thinking clearly now. _Quil's right,_ Sam thought. _But they will start looking when he doesn't return. We don't know if they will be coming on foot or by car. We need to watch the roads into town for their car and continue running the border._ We all groaned. _I know, I know. But this could be the end. Let's finish this today._

We picked spots. I started watching the road, crouched under a bush, identifying each car and driver as they passed. It was a blessing when it started to rain. It helped us stay awake. Quil and I switched when he was too tired to run. Then I switched with Jacob and took his spot by a different road. The day stretched into night.

_Seth!_ Sam sighed. _Can whoever is closest to Seth please wake him?_

_He's way out,_ Quil thought. _All the way out on Pewter._

_I'm awake!_ Seth insisted, his consciousness gradually reappearing. His thoughts sounded groggy.

_When do we call it?_ Jacob asked. He was so tired he was starting to get queasy. Leah and Sam ran the border, muscles screaming. For once, Leah didn't care enough to outpace him.

_We can't call it._ Sam failed to keep the hopeless edge out of his thoughts.

_Let's at least have a few people sleep,_ Jacob thought. _One at a time even. We can collapse the perimeter a bit, fall back on just the Rez until morning._

Sam knew we couldn't keep this pace up forever. _Seth, go to bed,_ Sam thought.

_I'm awake!_ He whined, eyes snapping open again. I rolled my eyes.

_One hour,_ Sam ordered. _Window open. You won't miss anything._

Seth growled but got up, stretched and started running for home, his pace a bit sluggish from combined reluctance and fatigue. Then his vision flickered. We all froze, confused.

_Did he actually fall asleep while running?_ Paul asked, nearly laughing, until we were struck by Leah's terror and the sensation of the earth, moss, and ferns racing away beneath Seth as if the Earth itself tipped at a precarious angle. It made no sense. Was he falling?

_No!_ Leah started sprinting towards her brother, but she was on the other side of town and he was miles out. Sam followed her. Jacob started running too.

_What?_ I asked, groggy. The rest of us were trying to make sense of what was happening through the fog in our minds as the forest slid out from under Seth.

_He's being dragged,_ Quil breathed. Then the brown haired bloodsucker's face, the one we were once so convinced was Bella, swam up in Seth's view, her face inches from his, and we all started running at once.

"Stay out of our way," she snarled, face twisted with rage. Her words were distorted and her face shimmered, like light shining through smoke. She must have hit him in the head. We felt Seth's pain then. And his fear.

_Guys?_ His thoughts were garbled. He was dizzy. _Please!_

_No no no no!_ Leah cried, numb with pain and fighting terror as she raced towards him. She'd always been the fastest. She wished she was faster. _Seth! Seth!_

_Leah?_ Seth cried, a thin whimper escaping him. Then he wailed. _Leah! Mom!_

"Leave town. Run. If you don't, we will kill you, and everyone you care about. Consider this your only warning." She vanished.

_Seth? Seth!_ Leah screamed. He didn't respond. I searched for Seth's mind among the others. Quil and I got to him at the same time from different sides. I almost breathed a sigh of relief. From my angle, he looked peaceful, as if he were only sleeping. But Quil could see the other side. He could see everything. His open, glassy eyes, one bulging from its socket. He could see the dent in Seth's skull where the leech had struck, the bone sticking through the fur, and the blood flowing from his wound and from his eye and nose as well, pooling beneath him, staining his sandy fur crimson.

Leah sprinted past me, skidding to a halt in front of his body, her mind drowned in wordless agony so powerful that my knees buckled. The others arrived, one by one.

_We have to go after them,_ Jacob thought, weakly. He had just arrived and was already backing away. He tripped and scrambled back to his feet.

Paul and Embry were looking to Sam, mentally begging him to make an order, anything to pull them away from the terrible scene, but Sam was frozen, body and mind. _My fault. My fault. My fault._ It was a mantra, repeated through layers of pain.

Quil stumbled away, vomiting in the woods.

_My fault my fault my fault my fault._

_They know,_ I realized. I could barely hear my own thoughts over Sam. He was like a record skipping. And over Leah. If thoughts could scream. She was like a ringing in our heads. I was confused before, when I thought that the leech had let Seth go with a warning. But the warning wasn't _for_ him, it was for _us_. She wasn't speaking to Seth, she was speaking _through_ him. Seth _was_ the warning, and the warning was for us. She knew we were listening. _They know what we are._

_How?_

_I don't know._

Leah howled, and the howl morphed into a shriek as she convulsed back into her human form. Grief did that. I understood. She collapsed over Seth's body, sobbing.

I clenched my eyes shut. I didn't want to see anymore. I had enough material for a lifetime of nightmares. But even when I closed my eyes I could see through the minds of the others. There was no escape from the suffering of a pack mate. The pack grieved as one.


	37. Frayed Ties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Graphic violence and death.

"What do you mean gone?" Sam snapped.

"I told you everything I know," Jacob said. He handed Sam the piece of notebook paper in his hand. Sam read it, expression dark.

"I just don't understand how he could do this." Sam picked up his phone. "I'm going to call him."

"I tried," Jacob said. "He left his phone. Rachel left hers too."

Sam chucked his phone across the room, cracking the screen and denting the drywall, then put his face in his hands. Everyone in the room flinched except for Leah. Nothing got a rise out of her these days.

Paul was gone. He took Rachel and his car and disappeared. No one saw it coming and no one knew where he was. In normal circumstances, even without being able to reach him by phone we could have just waited, probably only a few hours knowing Paul, until he lost his temper and phased. Then Sam could order him to come back. But Paul changed when he met Rachel. Now, his temper was always in check. It was like he was a different person. And he had new motivations now. Paul was gone. Seth was dead. Our numbers were dwindling.

"No one else leaves," Sam said through his teeth. I shuddered, feeling the weight of the order. "I didn't realize I had to say that." Everyone shook under the order except for Leah. Like Kim, orders didn't affect her, but she wasn't going anywhere. At least not until her brother's murderers were dead.

It had been nine days since Seth was killed, and those nine days had been hell, or maybe, hell if viewed through gauze or wax paper. It was a haze of suffering, as if our collective fatigue prevented everything from feeling entirely real. Day one, we had a private funeral, council only, because Seth had died in wolf form, so no one would ever see his human face again. Sue was inconsolable. Leah whispered something to her brother's body. She wouldn't tell us what she said, but we saw later when she thought back to the moment while we ran the perimeter. _The bloodsuckers will die for what they've done. And they will die in agony. I promise._ We were all scared of her now. Even more than we were before.

Unfortunately the bloodsuckers that Leah vowed would die in agony were doing anything but. They were elusive, somehow impossibly moving forward with their drilling project. Day two after Seth's death, Crimson broke ground on the first drilling site. The three remaining leeches were not in attendance.

The economic prospects that had been promised during the meeting in the school had yet to be seen. Instead of creating jobs in the community as they'd advertised, La Push was filled with a steady stream of contracted employees from other parts of the state and from other states entirely. They were fully human, but rowdy. They drank, littered, destroyed property, and started fights. The council was flooded with complaints. Even previous supporters of the project reached out to ask if the council still planned on suing. The council made no comments on this and brushed off every complaint on Sam's request. The threat of retaliation was too real. Even if the bloodsuckers didn't know that all of the council members were actively involved in the ambush on one of their associates and our parents, they killed the whole Gibson family after a few negative comments in a public meeting. We couldn't afford to call any attention to ourselves, and we certainly couldn't make mistakes.

It was increasingly difficult to run patrols. For one, the flow of contractors meant there were a lot more people in town, often outdoors. We had to widen our perimeter to avoid being spotted at active worksites. On top of false promises from the Crimson bloodsuckers and their use of contractors, they'd managed to circumvent regulations and move forward on the project without the approval of the council. They bulldozed a sacred site and had demarcated another for destruction. People speculated that they were involved in the Gibson's house fire, some vocally. I wasn't sure I would have suspected that Crimson would be so callous had I not known the company was run by soulless monsters, but the timing was a little too convenient. We were scared for the most vocal complainers and added their houses to patrol runs. Our patrol loop was constantly changing, becoming longer and increasingly serpentine. As a result, mistakes were increasingly frequent.

Day four after Seth's death, Quil accidentally ran through a construction site, and in response, the contractors started setting bear traps and posting armed guards. So on top of everything else, we had to worry about the possibility of children losing legs to poorly placed bear traps while playing outside, and about the possibility of friends and neighbors wandering into a construction site and getting shot by some trigger-happy moron.

Day five after Seth's death, the protests started. They started as small crowds at worksites, holding signs that read "Protect Sacred Land" and "Crimson Lies." The crowd grew fast. People were starting to come in from other towns and other reservations to show their support. Yesterday, eight days after Seth's death, all eyes were on La Push. There were newscasters and cameras among the crowds. The police were called to disperse the protests, and they did so with pepper spray and rubber bullets. The Forks police force were the first to be called in. Bella's father led them. He slouched, dead-eyed as he gave the orders, showing no empathy of any kind. Some people defended his harsh tactics. They said he wasn't thinking clearly as he was distraught at the sudden disappearance of his daughter. Billy wanted to speak with him, but Jacob and Sam asked him not to.

Sleep deprivation was a fact of life. We all made a habit of not sitting down. Whenever we would, we would fall asleep after just a few seconds. We still had no idea how the leeches knew what we were, but now I was convinced that their plan was to run us into the ground. The bloodsuckers teased our borders and left long trails to draw us periodically out of town. With Kim, Seth, and now Paul gone, we were down to six. After what happened to Seth, Sam was only willing to split three and three, which meant we could only split groups if we were all awake and running. Even then, three were too few to guarantee a win. A tie was the most we could hope for now, but we hadn't seen any of the bloodsuckers since Seth's death. Leeches didn't feel fatigue and didn't need sleep. They didn't even need to fight us. They could just run us to death.

The pack was different. It would never be the same. The absence of Kim, Seth, and Paul was impossible to ignore in wolf form. I didn't want to admit that I was more aware of the absence of Kim's thoughts than the thoughts of my remaining pack mates, but it was more than that. It was as if our thoughts were tired too, as if the very connections that tied us together as a pack were fraying apart. I couldn't tell if it was getting harder for me to hear the others, or if the others' thoughts were muted by fatigue. Maybe mine were too. Staying awake was especially challenging for me though because whenever I would fall asleep, even if only for a second, I would dream of Kim.

Day one, the day after Seth was murdered, after his hurried, hushed funeral, I stumbled home alone, setting foot in my room for the first time after she disappeared. By then, it felt as though she'd been gone for weeks. I stood in the doorway of my bedroom at first, staring at the piles of clothing strewn around the room, and the empty spot where my dresser had been, a small, token reminder of the major, gaping absence in my life. I felt like I was sinking. But the second I collapsed on my mattress she was there, waiting for me in my dreams. We were on the beach, and it was snowing.

* * *

" _Look, all I'm trying to say is that k_ _ids are overrated," she said, rolling her eyes. Her hair was short now, a ragged bob filled with jagged ends and unpredictable angles._

" _I'm not saying we have to have a lot," I said. "Maybe just eight or nine." I smirked at her as her mouth fell open._

" _Eight or nine!" She wailed. "Ow my poor vagina! What if we got eight or nine dogs instead?"_

" _Oh like a little, mini pack?"_

" _Oh yeah, that would get confusing." She looked so serious, nodding as if that were an actual concern. I couldn't help but laugh. As long as we'd been together I still couldn't always tell whether she was joking or serious. "How about some plants then? I'd say we could have cats, but I'm allergic."_

" _How are plants like kids?"_

" _Oh they're better!" She looked up at me, eyes bright. "They're super quiet, a lot less work, and you only feel a little bad when you accidentally kill them."_

" _Oh my god, Kim!"_

" _Still think we should have kids?" She asked, raising an eyebrow._

" _Yeah but… maybe I should watch them."_

" _That could work," she started nodding, and again, I found myself wondering, as I often did, whether or not she was serious. "I could really see you thriving in a house husband or a stay-at-home-dad kind of role."_

" _Ouch!" I laughed but for once she didn't. "What?"_

_She shook her head. "You're the one that wants eight or nine kids! Why should I have to watch them? Besides, I'll probably make more money than you."_

" _Ouch!" I cried again, thumping my chest. She shrugged._

" _Does that bother you?"_

_It did. I wanted to take care of her. I knew she didn't want to have to rely on anyone, but it hurt that I couldn't be an exception. "No," I lied, with a smile. "I look forward to being rich without having to work for it."_

" _Rich?! Who said anything about being rich? I don't know about that."_

" _Anything's possible."_

_She looked up at me and smiled, but there was too much sadness in her eyes as well as sudden, knowing sympathy. "At least in dreams."_

_A wolf howled in the distance._

* * *

The howling always woke me eventually, but it was getting harder and harder to get up after. I never felt rested after sleep, just more tired, as if I was always trapped somewhere between sleep and awake. I craved it now. We were all tired, but the others were driven in ways I wasn't. We all wanted the same things to varying degrees. Leah wanted revenge more than the others. Sam wanted to protect Emily. I just wanted this to be over so I could spend as much of my time asleep as possible.

Maybe I was stronger before I met Kim. It hurt to think about, but I could admit that much. I used to know how to be alone. Kim confirmed this. Well, she didn't. She couldn't. She was gone. But she explained it to me in one of my dreams.

* * *

_I was on the beach on a windless night. There were no waves in the ocean, the water as smooth and featureless as glass. Kim danced on the water, balancing on the surface tension. There was no disturbance, no rippling rings where she stepped. Her dark skin was lit with pinpricks of light. She looked like a constellation, a swirling body of stars that reflected perfectly in the still water beneath her._

_I ran towards her, straight into the sea. I grabbed for her over and over. She danced away, just out of reach of my hands. I couldn't move as fast as her, trudging through water as she skated along on top of it. My frantic movements ruined the stillness, casting waves to the shore. When I was finally too tired to continue I fell to my knees, sinking into the water up to my heart. The stillness returned. And when I heard her voice in my ear, the stillness had settled deep within me. I couldn't move._

_'You were alone, free, hurtling through space. Then you were a planet, pulled into the orbit of a brightly burning star. But when a star dies, some planets are freed, sent hurtling through space once more, some are consumed by growing fire, and some are pulled into the black hole. You are the third, a fragment of dark matter, consumed and devastated by the sudden death of a once bright star.'_

* * *

That was the only dream so far I'd been relieved to wake from.

Sam's orders were the only thing keeping me going now. I knew I would either die, which was straightforward enough to imagine, or we would win, and I would survive. If that happened, Sam might lift all of the orders he'd put on me that forced me to get up when woken, eat when fed, run when instructed, and protect this town filled with failure, broken dreams, and tarnished memories. Then I would be free to hurtle through space, burn away, or fall into the dark.

Today, day nine, I ran for twenty hours between breaks. Then, I collapsed on my mattress again. As always, Kim was there the moment my head hit the pillow.

* * *

_Our favorite fallen tree was dead and Kim's hair was long again, and her skin was unmarked by stars. Normal. She perched on the trunk, glaring at the sun. My heart sank. We didn't have much time together. How could she waste any of it by being angry?_

_Her expression softened when she looked up at me. "You look rough, dude."_

_I almost laughed. It was exactly what she would have said if she were here. "I know."_

" _Are you ok?" She raised an eyebrow. How could she ask that? I burst into tears. Then she was there, wrapping her arms around me. "Jared. Jared." I didn't answer her. I didn't move. I held on to the dream as tightly as I could, willing myself to stay asleep. She rubbed my back, said my name over and over, and far too soon, she pulled away._

" _No," I protested. I didn't want her to let go, and I wasn't ready to wake up._

" _Jared," she said again, voice firm this time. "You've got to get it together."_

_I opened and closed my mouth a few times, fumbling for words. "Wh-what?"_

" _Jared you-you have to take care of yourself, whether I'm around or not. You can't leave me wondering if you'll stop eating or sleeping whether or not I'm there to see it. You can't leave me wondering whether you'll take care of yourself or not when I'm gone." My skin went cold as her words took a familiar shape. She said something similar to me after prom. I thought back to that moment when she left me in the parking lot by her school. That time when she stopped answering her phone for weeks, and I wasn't sure if she would ever speak to me again. I'd fallen apart then, and when we got back together, she'd noticed. I hadn't given much thought to these dreams of her. They weren't always memories, but they were often more than dreams._

" _Do you remember now?" Kim asked, dark eyes wide and wet. "You promised me you would be ok. Even if I left."_

_I had promised. I remembered. I nodded._

" _You have to keep fighting," she said, so intensely that she trembled. "Promise me."_

" _I promise." I said, voice breaking. "I love you."_

" _I love you, too," she said, tears filling her eyes._

* * *

There were real tears on my face when I woke up to barking. I forced myself out of bed and outside where I could phase.

_Your turn,_ Embry thought. He was running back to his house for his hour of sleep. My body ached as I jogged to the perimeter to meet the others.

Twenty minutes into my patrol, the monotony was cut by a leech trail, a disgusting mingling of all three of their scents. No excitement registered, only a slightly heightened awareness. We ran inward first, following the trail to where it disappeared on a road not far from Sue's corner store. Which meant we had to follow it out. Sam tried to assess who would be the most able to run, but gave up, realizing we were all equally tired.

_Jacob, Quil, with me?_

_I'm going,_ Leah growled. _You stay, s_ he thought firmly to Sam. _You're dead on your feet._

Sam might have argued under normal circumstances, but nothing was normal anymore, and Sam could not deny Leah's observation. Leah, Jacob, and Quil followed the trail outward, east, and eventually into Olympic Forest, and Sam and I ran the perimeter around La Push. All five of us were slower than usual, forcing ourselves to lift our feet high enough not to trip and stumble. For once, Leah didn't complain about the pace of the others holding her back. Sam and I panicked every time we crossed the scent trail at the border, somehow forgetting that it existed and thinking it was fresh on every lap.

_Should we wake Embry?_ I asked.

_What's the point?_ Sam thought back to the bloodsuckers' last dozen or so false trails. _Let him sleep._

We kept running. Long after I'd lost count of the laps we'd made, Sam spotted a plume of smoke over the trees.

_Follow me,_ Sam thought. We charged through town dodging a few drunk contractors, and then into the woods. Luckily the fire was outside of town, beyond our perimeter. When we approached it, the first thing we noticed was the pungent, bloodsucker smell.

_The female,_ I thought, picturing the brown haired leech. She was the first one we'd discovered, the one who murdered Seth, and as far as we could tell, the leader of the three. Leah growled from nearly fifty miles away, wondering if she should come back.

Sam and I circled the fire, trying to make sense of what we were seeing. It was a pile of pallets with a trench dug around it, as if to prevent it from spreading. A bonfire. We didn't notice anything unusual about it other than the bloodsucker smell.

_Why would a bloodsucker start a bonfire?_ I asked.

_Let's follow the trail,_ Sam thought.

_Guys?_ Jacob asked. The others had stopped running. They'd reached a tree, permeated with the three bloodsuckers' scents. There was a sheet of paper nailed to it, with a note that smelled and looked as though it was written in human blood. The top line read: _Dear Mutts of La Push._

Sam and I froze, pulses pounding, and breaths catching. The message seemed to echo in our minds as Jacob, Leah, and Quil all huddled around the letter to read the words at once.

_Our instructions were simple and you failed to follow. You should have stayed out of our way. You should have left your miserable little town when you had the chance. You were given a warning, and you were told it would be the only one. Now you will all pay the price, and the price will be paid in blood._

My stomach lurched as I remembered that one scent trail, the same one that we'd sent Jacob, Leah, and Quil to follow, that Sam and I had crossed over and over, and written off each time as old. Of course they would have snuck in along that same line, the one place where we wouldn't think anything of their scent. They knew everything about us.

We all stood, frozen for half a second. Then we were all running at once. Leah, Jacob, and Quil sprinted towards La Push. This time Leah pulled ahead, and the distance between her and Jacob and Quil steadily grew. I thought Sam might caution her but he didn't.

_We have to wake Embry,_ I thought, as I sprinted towards his house. Sam peeled away from my path. He didn't seem to hear me.

_Emily. Emily. Emily._ He thought her name, over and over, as he ran for his own house.

_Sam!_ He ignored me. I swore. As frustrated as I was, I knew that if Kim was still here, I would have done the same. Sam phased back when he reached his house. I was alone. I swallowed, fighting panic as I raced towards Embry's house, but a smell stopped me in my tracks. Bloodsuckers. And gasoline.

The fire bloomed up through the trees so suddenly that I felt the heat through my fur, even though I was hundreds of yards away. I squinted at the building and the fire through the trees. It was Jacob's house.

_Dad!_ Jacob's thoughts were a sob. He almost tripped before pushing himself to run faster. I gasped, numb with shock as I ran towards the burning house.

_Billy! Billy!_ I barked and barked, but I stopped when I reached the drive. The heat and light were so intense my eyes watered. Flames coiled from the ground to the roof, furling out of the windows and doors. Jacob saw the fire through my eyes and collapsed in the woods.

The next thing I knew, I was flying. There was a loud sound, and then I was in the air, only to come crashing down again. Once I landed, I realized the sound was the air being forced out of my lungs. I tried to take a breath but I couldn't. My lungs rattled, blood bubbling in my throat and dripping from my nose and mouth onto the gravel under me.

"See if the others are here," a cold, female voice ordered, cutting through the ringing in my ears. I remembered the voice clearly, having heard it in the meeting, and through Seth's ears as he died. I tried to take another breath but only heard more rattling. I tried to roll myself up, to stand and fight as I'd promised Kim, but something cold and hard shoved me down again. The fire was loud enough that I hadn't heard her coming. By the time I realized she was there, she had already struck. My panic was almost overshadowed by the combined grief of Jacob, Quil, and Leah.

At first I was confused. I understood Jacob's mounting despair, but Quil and Leah? Then I realized that they were mourning _me._ They were too far away. I would be dead by the time they got here.

"All clear!" A deeper, male voice called from farther away.

"Some _pack_ you are," the female jeered. She smiled at me and the light from the fire glinting off her fangs. She pushed me over onto my back. My vision blurred. "They _left_ you. All alone."

I tried to breathe. More rattling sounds. My heart and lungs throbbed. I tried to swipe at her with my claws, to land just one hit, but my attempt was feeble, my muscles already starved for air. She caught my leg and broke it in her hands. I howled, blinded by pain, but only a hoarse, rasping sound came out, and more blood, pooling in my throat now, choking me. At least it was me, and not one of the others. They all had something to live for, sunlight or starlight to see by. There was only darkness left for me, in death or in life.

"That's for Chris," she hissed. "And so is this." Her cold, dead fingers clamped around another leg, twisting. I heard the bones crunching. My vision blurred. She couldn't torture me for long. I wouldn't last much longer. My head fell sideways towards the forest. At least I wouldn't have to look at a leech as I died. I could look at the forest. The trees shimmered, a distant, unexpected, welcoming movement.

A figure stepped out of the darkness, firelight reflecting off her skin. I felt the shock of the others, but I wasn't surprised to see her here. Kim came back to me whenever she could. She was in every waking thought I had. Every dream I dreamt was filled with her. She was always there, whenever I closed my eyes, waiting. I think part of me knew that she would be here with me in the end. Dying felt a bit like dreaming after all, in spite of all the pain. It was almost perfect. Maybe it was too much to ask for her to be smiling and close enough for me to touch, like she was in the best dreams. In my dreams, I'd seen her in many ways, with long satiny hair, or her jagged bob. I'd seen her skipping on the ocean with stars on her skin. I'd never seen her like this, sprinting towards me, looking above me instead of at me, face streaked with tears and contorted with rage.

Kim screamed, but there was no fear in the noise. It was a clear, piercing sound. A battle cry. She swung her arm in a wide arc with so much force she nearly unbalanced herself. Then it started hailing. Gravel sized pieces of ice pelted my ruined body. Then it stopped as suddenly as it started. Something was different about this ice, that didn't melt and seemed to quiver and twitch even after it landed, but I couldn't think about it for long. The two male bloodsuckers charged at Kim from both sides. My heart ached for her, even though I knew she wasn't real. Just before they collided, Kim swung her arm again, one after the other, and the bloodsuckers shattered like glass as she did, pieces of them scattering and bouncing across the ground.

My chest ached and my vision blurred, but through the growing darkness, Kim's face swam into focus. She was beautiful. Dirty and beautiful. The ashes and grime on her face were cut through by tracks of her flowing tears. Fresh tears welled in her eyes.

"Jared! Jared!" I swear I could feel her hands on my face. I wanted to focus, to stay there with her, in spite of all the pain. To savor her touch and commit the sound of her voice saying my name to memory, but I lost the fight for air and fell into the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Whew! Good thing vampires aren't real! But sadly, greedy, oil-sucking capitalists are, and land exploitation is a major issue, especially for far too many Indigenous communities. If you've enjoyed this fic, hated Chris Columbus and Darth Bella as much as I did, or want to learn more about what inspired this truly out there canon divergence, I would urge you to look up policies surrounding Indigenous land rights and non-profit organizations working to protect and expand those rights in your area. For this story, I was loosely inspired by DAPL and the DAPL protests. If these issues are important to you, contact your representatives and vote whenever you can to make your voice heard! Support nonprofits that provide legal protections against land seizure. Your actions and words have power. Three chapters left! Thank you all for reading and sharing your reactions. It's been a ride!


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